Breaking News - Fraud Alert update!

Woodsy, I resent the suggestion I would deal in funny money. In fact, I offer a reward of $1,000 (held in trust, above) to anyone who proves otherwise!

Things that go bump

Since Hallowe'en is the vestigial tail of a no-longer-mainstream religious cosmology, and we coyotes play (ahem) a small role in one or two pre-Christian religious systems ourselves, we're totally down with All Hallows Eve. Especially the chocolate.

What's not to like? Acceptable scariness. A chance to live somebody else's (quite possibly libidinous) life for a few hours. Terminally cute little satanists with tiny plastic pumpkins, teenagers armed with their parents' body pillowcases, thingies in strangely realistic looking dog costumes, and other stuff that goes bump in the night, romp about the neighbourhood, to knock on doors and hit up complete strangers for candy, which, if they are lucky, is not those cheap n' nasty, orange 'n black-wrapped things that epoxy themselves to the roof of your mouth and cause you to howl mournfully and make goofy-looking chewy motions until they finally dissolve and leave cankers on your tongue. I digress.

But we mustn't forget origins. History is important. I am semi-reliably informed that Hallowe'en descends from Samhain, the Gaelic harvest festival that marks the Celtic new year. I mean, before bumptious johnny-come-lately churches crashed the Hallowe'en party, appropriating it and Frankensteining it to shoehorn it into their own belief systems to attract new fans. (You thought such blatant campaign tricks were more modern, I bet...) You could look it up. A couple of popes named Gregory were involved, apparently. And lemurs. Cool! Oh, wait. Not that kind of lemurs.

Ah, Wikipedia - is there anything more useful to a coyote seeking backup and bafflement potential for his side - any side - in a debate?

Now where the, ummm, Hell was I? Oh, yeah. It's Hallowe'en. Gimme chocolate!

Breaking News - Fraud Alert!

If the Independent Observer owes you money, beware of what he hands you!

Of course, Dwarfie might also be excommunicated...

While wandering the streets of Lucca, my companions and I stumbled across a crowd gathered on the steps of San Michele in Foro basilica. Turns out the local townsfolk were commemorating the annual feast day of St. Giovanni Leonardi.

Born in Lucca in 1541, ol' John seems to have more than earned his saintly stripes, caring for the sick and eventually succumbing to the influenza that swept Italy in 1609.

Leonardi was canonized in 1938 and a couple of years ago became a patron saint of pharmacists, having worked as an assistant to one. Which got me thinking, decades from now one of the ESIs, say Fourth Dwarf, could become the patron saint of bloggers. Of course, 6th Apostle may have something to say about this.



Top illustration: http://www.pjonline.com/

Tank Top Tuesday

Woodsy Web
Happy Hallowe'en

Fifths

As Aggie often reminds us, there is no fifth thing.

I think that it is charming that she sees, hears, and speaks no fifth.

But, for those who find this idiosyncrasy confusing, here are a few fifths for you to ponder:

• a fifth wheel

• a fifth of therapy
  

• a fifth of Beethoven

• a fifth of Ayabar

• a fifth reason to stop smoking

• a fifth less
  

• a fifth (see #5)

Our New Store - Elgin Street Meta Wear

Be cool with an ELgiN StreEt MetA WeAR TanK TOp

Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t (*) Zeitgeist Award

The observant among you will have noticed that I did not post Friday. I can explain: the dog ate my homework. Wait! I am the... oh, crap...

Actually, my reasons have to do with yesterday's state of high fuzzy-headedness. Thursday evening, whilst I was partaking of a postprandial aperitif, (often a blissful moment) the trouble began. Somewhere not unadjacent to the 'ol coyote den, a car with its antitheft alarum's sensors cranked to the max began to honk wildly at the transit of every squirrel - nay, every falling leaf. You know how many leafs are fallin' right now. It sounded like a freight train. Or a Buick.

I assumed some ass had parked and gone off to carouse on Elgin Street, and that all would be well in a few excruciating hours.

Wrong. All night, that horn fired off every five minutes. I then assumed that perhaps said ass had over-imbibed and taxied home. Still an ass, yet at least not endangering the public. But a quick stroll at eight-AM-ish Friday morning pinpointed the offending automobile - indeed a big honkin' new Buick - in a nearby residential driveway.

I contemplated this hyperactive excretion with an austere red eye. Well, two. As I did, a guy with an air of Steve Dallas about him stepped blithely from the porch with his Eddie Bean Insulated Travel Mug, Giant Squid Edition®, blipped the remote, climbed in, started up, and drove off.

I am grateful to Woodsy and Pandora for their thoughtful attempts to caffeinate my sleepless condition at a popular bean juice joint, later that day. They were well-intentioned and well-received.

Yet, maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in, but my ill humour remains. Steve: You are the lucky winner of coyote's Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t Zeitgeist (PPUTZ) Award. This means that I am bending my not-inconsiderable semimythical, totemic telekinetic powers to focus the universe's karma upon you. Kinda like a big psychic magnifying glass aiming the sun at your brain. Soon, your head will explode. All over your brand-new Buick's upholstery, I hope. Fair is fair.

* Toot. Twat. Take your pick...

Scammed and looking for advice...

I was scammed last spring by an Ottawa U professor who reminded me of Mr. Bean. Here is the sequence of events:

1) I met Mr. Bean at a conference in a European country. Mr. Bean confesses that he has no cash, and can't even buy himself a cup of coffee because he can't get the bank people to understand him and for some reason he can't get a cash advance on his credit card.
2) Aggie, realizing that he is from Ottawa, the city in which she lives, hands over 50 Euros to Mr. Bean, along with her business card, saying, "Here. Borrow this. I know where you work."
3) Mr. Bean is grateful, and says how embarassing it is, but takes the money.
4) Aggie does not hear from Mr. Bean.
5) Aggie decides to email Mr. Bean in late August, reminding him that she is there.
6) He responds with photos of the conference, good wishes to Aggie, and says he is heading off to Paris for another conference.
7) Aggie responds with, "Have fun in Paris. Don't forget to bring your Euros this time!"
8) Mr. Bean doesn't respond.
9) Aggie's work colleague who also met Mr. Bean at the conference runs into him by chance on the Ottawa U. campus and says, "Hi. Remember me. Aggie's friend. Remember Aggie, the one who so generously bailed you out." He mutters, "Oh, yes." then rushes off.
10) Aggie's colleague recounts this chance meeting to Aggie. Aggie is now pissed off at this scamming bastard and sends another email, this time saying. "Ok, Mr. Bean. Write me the check for $80 and send it to this address"...
11) Mr. Bean responds curtly with a "Yes". No thank you. No Sorry. Nothing.
12) That exchange was a week and a half ago. No cheque has arrived.

So, blog readers. I am asking for your advice here. What are the next steps? What should Aggie do?

Workout Wednesday

The good citizens of Lucca limber up

Tank Top Tuesday

Rasputin's Folk Café - Inside the Men's Washroom (self-portrait)

Carry Phone and Answer Machine

Unlike Harmony (whose blog I will truly miss) I have been waiting for the technology that she has scrapped since I was seven years old.

I could not wait to have my own carry phone and answer machine just like the ones described to me in my cherished Childcraft encyclopedia.

But, the one thing I am still waiting for is my jet pack!








Images taken from the 1968 edition of Childcraft : The How and Why Library published Fields Enterprises Educational Corporation.

Breaking News: Marketing Opportunity at Fashion Week

I learned from Ottawa Street Style that the Ottawa Fashion Week, Nov 12-15, [Not to be confused with Capital Fashion Week, Nov 21-22] is offering sponsorship opportunities.

For $400, a sponsor would get:

• 2 VIP week passes;
  
• a verbal thank you at the Official Opening Press Conference;
• Their banner displayed in the CIMA lounge;
  
• Their logo on www.ottawafashionweek.ca with a link to their company website; and
• Their logo on all Ottawa Fashion Week promotional materials!
  

Question: How can we put together the $400?

Breaking News: LOL Dogs!

Wandering Coyote reported yesterday that the LOL Cats site has a companion blog for LOL Dogs called "I Has a Hotdog".

What she didn't mention is that the site links to an easy tool to make your own LOL Dogs. Like this one:

Bonus: Pirate Dog

RNDP 17: Relevant Research

Some of you singles who have been following the ongoing quest for an RNDP might be trying to decide whether to attend one of the upcoming Speed Dating soirees at the Mooney's Bay Bistro.

I don't want to tell you one way or the other, but I will share with you information I've received through the internet tubes that may help you make up your mind.

The Mooney's Bay Bistro is practically in Nepean. However, you can get there on the #87. I suspect eating is discouraged during the actual speed dating, but the Bistro has good reviews for their food, including compliments on the coffee. [Reviews 1, 2] However, these reviewers may be the type of people who line up for Tim Horton's most mornings. (In other words, conditioned to accept mediocrity.) If you do go early and order food, skip the Caesar salad. Not just because it got a bad review.

Histocompatibility and how they smell: Unless you're on the birth control pill, you need to smell your dates and they need to smell you. The Bistro won't be as overpowering as an Indian Restaurant, but you'll be sitting across a table from them and there will be plenty of Italian food aromas in the air. This means you're going to have find a reason to lean towards them so you can smell them and they can smell you. The obvious way to do this would be to whisper one of your questions or answers. "What are your hobbies?" might not be a good question to do this with. But "what do you think of speed dating?" might be a good one.

It's about the looks: You might feel you need to establish whether they are smart, funny, well-paid and share your views on a variety of critical issues. You might also be fooling yourself and you just need to look at them.

They Don't Need to Know About You: While more frequent exposure to a person may cause others to like that person more, knowing more about the person may reduce the affection. In your questioning, you could use this principle to compensate for your natural biases. If you find you like too many people, learn as much as you can about your dates. If you rarely like your dates, either do more of the talking, or get them to whisper to you about what they've learned about the others they've met that evening. This will reinforce for them the things they've learned that have turned them off, and then you can share the information with your subsequent dates, for example: "I understand #6 worked in a mortuary as a teenager".

You don't know what you want: It seems we humans are terrible at predicting what will make us happy. This means that your quest for a partner who is trained in massage therapy, wants a terrier, voraciously reads mystery novels, and wants to take tango lessons could be misguided. It also means that you are likely to be influenced by the mood you've brought to the speed dating. If you are tense, embarrassed and fearing rejection, you may be completely unable to predict finding happy times with any of your dates.

Maybe it really is about the sex: It seems sexual cues can influence a person’s relationship behaviors. It might be that in messing around with another person, you'll not only find out if you have a chance at a good sex life if you stay together, but you might improve the chance of a relationship happening because the sex might lead to love. It's probably difficult to mess around at the Mooney's Bay Bistro, but even subliminally bringing up sex could help you get somewhere.

In Conclusion: We're not saying speed dating is the answer. If you try it, or if you have tried it, we'd love to hear about it.

Newsflash: Harmony is no longer blogging

Harmony's Singing in the Shower blog is no longer. I was about to comment on her latest posting -- basically to tell her that she's hot -- when I was shocked to discover that the blog was no longer there. I emailed her immediately, and here is her email response:

From: Harmony
To: Aggie
Sent: October 18, midnight

Subject: Re: Where the hell is your blog?

Thanks for noticing!

I deleted it.

Various reasons, none important, but I was about done with it, as I was with my cell phone about 6 months ago...

I'm now Facebook free, cell-free, blog-free, and if i had my druthers, internet-free..

---------------------------------------------------
I mean, did she think about maybe taking a little break? Or, maybe doing a little non-blogging experiment? I don't know anyone who has deleted her blog....Ok, maybe just one...
Anyway, I have offered to blog about her non-blogging, and she seems ok with this idea. I'm happy for her. She's free now. I'm still shackled and chained.

When in doubt, rearrange the deck chairs

Thank Dog! One election's done with. We can get closer to what passes for normal around here. And what should we do first? Support His Nibs, I think. Ooh, but where to start? So much density, so little gravitas.

Our esteemed mayor this week - the week that the city fired a mittful of its top managers in the name of economy in hard times - announced he wanted to hire a private company to rationalize Ottawa's street furniture. With loadsa advertising plastered on it. Because the current stuff just looks so darn ugly. He was obviously stepping from strength to strength, building on the success of last week's Ottawa Life Magazine hagiography ummm, profile. The one that said that city administration under Ottawa's former mayor, Bob Chiarelli, was 'marred by scandal'.

Now that's spin...!

Naturally, bein' a sensitive aesthete myself, I heartily approve of the impulse behind this pronouncement. (I'm pretty sure it was impulsive.) I mean, we don't have anything else to deal with, do we? The economy's in great shape, our mayor hasn't been convicted of anything, and those nice new CFL franchise owners want to take that ugly, unpopular, useless Lansdowne Park off of the city's hands and turn it into something the city can really be proud of. For a small consideration from the city. Ka-chiinnngggg!

Obviously we need, very badly, to talk about street furniture. Right now. Yup. And since the Irregulars are well acquainted with one or two pieces of anthropomorphized furniture, we herewith offer our expertise in aid of this important issue. For a small consideration from the city. Ka-chiinnngggg!

Tank Top Tuesday on Friday

...because Woodsy's popular tank tops get major Google action, I thought I'd shamelessly exploit the situation ummm, post an homage. Yeah. That's it.

Bong Thursday

"They'll stone you when you're at the breakfast table
They'll stone you when you are young and able
They'll stone you when you're trying to make a buck
They'll stone you and then they'll say good luck
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned" (Bob Dylan)

This song used to be my ring tone, but I got rid of it when I was given more responsibility at work. I wouldn't call myself a stoner, but I have to say getting stoned is not the worst thing you could do during these trying times.

I also recommend the following activities to make yourself feel better:

1) do at least one rocker jump a day.
2) do art.
3) get a pet.
4) make this dessert right now- Cut up a pillsbury doughboy tube into pieces and place them at the bottom of a small loaf pan. Cut up some apples and throw them on top. Sprinkle some cinnamon on there. Throw some brown sugar on top. Pour a cup of heavy cream on top of the whole thing. Put it in the oven for about 40 minutes.
5) There is no fifth thing.

First Feline of Florence

Wise and whiskered
In his element
Oblivious to mantras, miscues and meltdowns
Far from the hustings
Light orange gelato stripes listen
For the sounds of cork
Rubbing against glass
Footsteps on slow-travelled stone
And whispers in the piazza
So blissfully unaware
Of John Baird's hair

Tank Top Tuesday

Star bellied...

Hand Kissing

Last Spring, I was kissed on the hand by three different men - a family friend, a taxi driver, and the doorman at a tavern all within a week of each other.

I was surprised by these unsolicited kisses, and I wondered if hand kissing was back in style. Why had no-one warned me?

I mentioned these incidents to the Word Wizard, who seems to know something about every topic. He quickly responded with questions, "Did you offer your hand to be kissed? Did they touch their lips to your hand?"

No, I had not offered my hand to be kissed, and in all three instances I was tricked into receiving the kiss. And, yes, all three had touched their slobbery lips to the back of my hand.

I have since become a little wiser about hand-kissing, and so, gentlemen, if you want to kiss my tiny tender nymph hand

• I must be the one who initiates the gesture by offering you my hand palm down;
• I must know you;
• You must be of equal or higher mythological standing than I am;
• You must slip your fingers under the palm of my hand and gently rest your thumb on my knuckles;
  
• You may either quietly air kiss the back of my proffered hand, or kiss your thumb;
• You must kneel at my feet as you kiss my hand to show that you are in awe of my charms, and
• be forewarned that, according to W.J. Bethancourt III, should you offer an unsolicited kiss I am in my right to eviscerate you on the spot!

6 Ottawa places I don't miss

While I've still got a few minutes left in my posting day, I thought I'd get in on the nostalgia kick with my list.

1. Le Metro - moved from Elgin to Somerset, then closed. If you like snobby waiters bringing you small portions of mediocre food, you may miss the place.
2. The "convenience" store at Bay and Lisgar where the old lady who was always there would malevolently stare at you until you walked out.
3. Café Henri Burger - Maybe if George Radwanski had taken me there for lunch once or twice I'd miss the joint. And maybe if George hadn't been nailed for expense account shenanigans, Café Henri Burger would still be open.
4. The Hull Strip - I do not miss Ontario bars closing at 1am, then going to Hull, then waiting in line to get into some incredibly loud place where you couldn't talk to anyone and then taking forever to get back to Ottawa so you could finally get some sleep.
5. Big Bud's - Sorry, nostalgia nuts, the Dollar-It that replaced it is cleaner, friendlier and cheaper.
   
6. Fuliwah's was not a bad Chinese Restaurant, but the Chu Shing people make tastier food and probably the best dim sum in Ottawa.
   
   
   

Are the MPs Wearing their Tin Foil Hats?

I worry that our MPs and Cabinet Ministers are not wearing their tin foil hats. I was reading a back issue of Hansard's on the bus yesterday when I discovered that some of our opposition members are not wearing them.

As any longtime reader of this blog knows, tin foil hats are necessary to prevent mind control through electro-magnetic rays. (Please keep in mind that while we say "tin foil", aluminum foil is most commonly used, but any electricity conducting metal will do.)

While the copper roofs on the Parliament Buildings should go a long way to preventing a need for foil hats, it is still alarming to thing that our leaders may be vulnerable to mind control.

How do we know that some are not wearing their caps? They as much as say so:

For example, on 26 Sept 2006, Liberal MP Wayne Easter asked about a campaign to undermine the Canadian Wheat Board "using fake letters, manipulating the media, stacked government task forces and circumventing the laws of Canada."

Replying for the government, Chuck Strahl, Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, revealed that Easter was not wearing a protective cap:

Mr. Speaker, I am surprised the member could say that without wearing his tinfoil hat on a grassy knoll.

On 22 Feb 2007, Minister Strahl reports that MP Easter is once again not wearing his cap after a question about ballots:

Mr. Speaker, I think that the hon. member has his tinfoil cap well removed today.

But was the Hon. Chuck Strahl wearing his tinfoil cap? David Anderson, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, confirmed not only that he was, but that he had additional facial coverage:

If members take the time to read the motion, they will see that the minister the other day referred to him through his tinfoil hat.

Almost as bad as not wearing a tinfoil hat is wearing one that does not fit properly. This appeared to be the case on 26 Feb 2008 with some NDP members as pointed out by Peter MacKay after a question from NDP member Libby Davies about a secret agreement with the U.S. Armed Forces:

It sounds to me as if those tinfoil hats are getting a little tight down there.

This problem had spread to the Liberals by 11 March. After a question from Liberal Mark Holland about the possibility of Ministerial involvement in the decision by the OPP to not forward an investigation file on possible conversations between Mayor Larry and John Baird to the RCMP. The Hon. Jason Kenney, Secretary of State for Multiculturalism and Canadian Identity, alerts the Speaker of the House to the danger:

Mr. Speaker, we see the tinfoil hats getting a little tight again over there.

Have you spotted the consistent pattern? Liberals and NDP members either not wearing their foil caps or wearing them improperly. Meanwhile, the Conservative members of the New Government (Can we call them the Old Government yet?) were wearing their tinfoil caps and doing their best to draw attention of the opposition members who were leaving themselves open to mind-control.

Perhaps you are wondering if the Conservatives continue to prudently wear their tinfoil caps during the campaign season. I believe they do, or that at least one local Tory does.

Last week, Avaaz.org released ads attacking the Conservative position on the environment. While Avaaz claimed they had raised funds for these ads in Canada from their 300,000 members, and that they had cleared the ads with Elections Canada, John Baird was not fooled.

He smelled something wrong. Or more specifically, he smelled billionaire mystery man George Soros behind it all and sent out a press release titled: “SHADOWY FOREIGN ORGANIZATION ATTEMPTING TO INFLUENCE CANADIAN ELECTION” This may alarm you, but I urge you to relax because:

1. Baird has made a formal complaint so we can be sure that any nefariosity will be dealt with;
   
2. We can't expect all the billionaires to support the Tories; and
   
3. Baird and the other Tory candidates must be wearing their foil caps or they would have been led astray by the mind control rays.
   

Attention Sorosophobes/philes: We’ve hit the big time, y’all by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 11:48 am

Avaaz.ca vs. Baird: The Shadowy Foreign Organization strikes back! by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

How To:

• Tin Foil Hats - for the discriminating

• Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie

• Instructables: Aluminum foil hat

• How to Make a Tin Foil Hat for Your Dog

More Reminiscences for Things in the Past

Following Aggie's and the IO's reminiscences, here are some other things I miss. Although, I am aware that Thomas Wolfe's statement, "you can't go home again," mostly holds true here:

1. Doing my undergrad degree -- all those optional attendance classes. The beauty of all the young, hopeful and enthusiastic people around me. Those earnest and confident discussions. The larger societal acceptance. Never having to be anywhere before 11:30 a.m. The 15-hour a week "full time!" school load. Whipping off mediocre term papers and cramming. Being high.

2. Travelling before cellphones and email existed. The emotional freedom of movement.

3. A time when I told myself that earning money, necessary yet trivial, was something I would do in my future.

4. A time when I didn't worry about my or our future.

5. No fifth thing, but a note to the Chair: I'm a day late. Chair, feel welcome to post.

Raining catechisms and dogmas

Sorree! It's been a rude week. All I've got is a grab bag of random electoral bits and pieces that heartily depress me. Naturally, being a friendly type, I feel compelled to share my joy with you:

• About six millenia ago, when I was a mere pup of a semimythical totemic coyote, I used to think those who held elected office were smarter than me. Or any ordinary mortal. I got older, and just hoped they were. Now, I'm ancient, crotchety, eccentric, and beyond certain that they are not smarter than me. It depresses the hell out of me that dumber critters 'n me run this country. Because I know I don't have the wit or the hubris. And that all the really intelligent ones are - apparently - too smart to go into politics...
• The local Tory candidate has called my den a couple of times now. Inquiring minds want to know: Why is it that he uses call display blocking when he does? Because I really want somebody that sneaky and underhanded representing me in parliament...
• Newspapers this week reported a study that suggests when a group lacks a leader, the person most likely to step in and start running things is a narcissist.
• The Glib & Male lately has been making much of our PM's 'pragmatic ability to learn'. So let me get this straight. He entered politics because he thought he knew what the country needed. Now he's trying to get re-elected by 'pragmatically' shedding the ideological dogma he's held dear for all of these years, but that Canadians dislike. So, ummm, obviously a real idealist. Not in it for the power at all. Or...
• He is also an economist. Given economists' recent track records at understanding the way things work, and running them properly, ummm...
• Meanwhile, south of here, Sarah Palin's ability to chortle and wink out twisted venom, then shrug, moue, and mime ingenue cluelessness when the crowds she's working start sounding like lynch mobs, probably means she has a long career in US federal politics ahead of her. Yucko.

Bleah. Elections have been raining overscripted catechisms and repugnant dogmas on my head all week. I'm soaked and tired. It's nap time. Wake me up when it's over...

Thong Thursday

The Independent Observer got me all nostalgic yesterday. Here are some other things I miss:
1) Cougar work boots.
2) Prosperity
3) Typewriters
4) Massive amounts of pot
5) There is no fifth.

Gone baby gone

We see a number of new condo towers going up in Centretown and I'm of two minds about this.

On the one hand, anything that injects some life and people into the core is good. On the other, I wonder where all these folks are going to eat, shop, stroll and generally enjoy life?

Too many downtown bookshops, cafes, cinemas, grocery stores and restaurants to count have disappeared over the last decade or so. And the only things that seem to spring up in their place are condominiums, office towers and chain-sponsored coffee shops.

Five places I miss:

1. The Canadian Tire store at Kent and Laurier, torn down in 2002. A veritable urban oasis of tools, home supplies, paint and sporting goods. Apparently the smallish outlet did not fit with the corporation's vision of suburban megastores.

2. The Bay Street Guest House. Once a quaint bed-and-breakfast on Bay near Gloucester, it has been a graffiti-strewn wreck for years, endlessly waiting to be demolished along with several other adjacent houses so Richcraft Homes can put up a honkin' big condo building.

3. The Elgin cinema on our beloved boulevard, where Audrey, ESI Cultural Affairs Officer, once toiled as an usherette. Little-known fact: it was the first theatre in North America to have two screens. This foreshadowed the multiplex trend that eventually sent The Elgin to the big box office in the sky.

4. The little cafe just inside the Rideau Centre, across from the magazine shop. It quietly served fine, fresh-brewed coffee, delicious pasta and tasty sandwiches. A perfect place to steel oneself for an afternoon of mall-bound Christmas shopping. I can't even remember its name. But maybe that's a good thing, as I do know the replacement is a Starbucks.

5. There's no fifth thing. It's already long gone.

Image: http://www.magma.ca/~hra/travia.htm

Tank Top Tuesday

A little something shiny!

Fantasizing!

During an outing at the Cube Gallery in August, I played a game that I am certain many of you played as a kid. When the Eaton's Christmas catalogue would arrive in the mail, did you ever hide with it in your room for hours and fantasize that you could order anything your heart desired? I did.

When I saw the art by Alison Smith-Welsh, I was inspired to virtually shop for some of you. In my fantasy, I bought

this ensemble for the ESIs' darling, Audrey,


a pair of panties for the lovely Pandora (this piece is called Pandora's Box),



boots for the indomitable Zoom to continue to kick ass,



and of course, this corset, for the sensuous Nursemyra.

A little mouse-over the pictures will give you an extra tickle.

Google Poem: Symptoms

* I knew I was sick when I woke up and had to cancel my interview for the university

* I knew I was sick when I did not even want to look at my new steed and wheels and some really slick Timex clothes

* I knew I was sick when I wasn't getting any better

* I knew I was sick when I began coughing up one green golfball-looking globule after the other

* I knew I was sick when I couldn't even enjoy a Miller Lite with Kev on Sunday

* I knew I was sick when I turned down French fries!!

* I knew I was sick when I was trying to make some scarves and my head a was just busting from the pain

* I knew I was sick when I didn't want to knit!

* I knew I was sick when I pulled over to the side of the road to throw up

Stay up to date on these results:

• Create an email alert for "i knew I was sick when"
• Add a blog search gadget for "i knew I was sick when" to your Google homepage
• Subscribe to a blog search feed for "i knew I was sick when" in Google Reader ^New!

Debatacle 2008

Two national election debates? Us and that ailing geopolitical gorilla next door? Simultaneously? The situation called for a savagely massive cable hookup, a big bowl of salty snax at one paw, and the TV remote at the other, giving me the power to cover the (in)continent's political circuses at the flick of a claw. Maybe Prozac and beta blockers to cushion my delicate psyche against the inevitable crash...

...two bags of grass, seventy five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicoloured uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a bowl of Cheezitz, and two dozen amyls. The only thing that worried me were the Cheezitz. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible than a coyote in the depths of a Cheezitz binge....*

Early on in the verbal thrust and parry, I began to realize the aptness of a rustic expression from back in Alberta, where we coyotes come from: "Slicker 'n liquid pig shit!" A reference as literal as it sounds. Warm and soft and brown as Sarah Palin's eyes, with the heady aroma of Stephen Harper's belated attempts to look like some ordinary nice guy. Suitably aged, it makes adequate fertilizer. Fresh, it renders the hair in your nose unconscious, then dissolves it.

Relief came when I found I could drown out both debates by cramming my mouth full of Cheezitz, crunching loudly, and frenetically flipping in the approved ESI fashion: channelling OCD and ADD in parallel. It was worth the unfortunate fluorescent orange fangs, just to be able to block it all out.

Problem was, after a couple of hours of high speed flipping and chewing, I began to feel a little woozy and dizzy. Maybe I dozed a little. Could've. Images streaming in from the ether north and south of the border fumed, spun and merged into a coyote's worst nightmare. Sarah still had her perky cheerleader chuckle, but her smile had become Steve's twisted grimace. Her eyes had mutated to a cold, calculating ice blue.

I may have hallucinated the lizard tongue. Or not. Whatever. Fear and loathing is alive and well in North America.

* ... with orange-fanged apologies to HST...

ESIs May Need a Correspondent to Keep Up to Date with the News

From: Fourth Dwarf
To: ESIs
Sent: October 02, 2008; 2:00pm
Subject: Event to Cover

Hey,

This event is on a Saturday morning, but the ESIs should at least send a reporter.

http://ottawa.ca/cgi-bin/pressco.pl?Elist=14862&lang=en

Media Advisories, News Releases & Public Service Announcements

Contact: Public Affairs (613-580-2450), medias@ottawa.ca

PSA: Ottawa moms expecting to set the record for the most babies being breastfed at one time, at one location

Ottawa - On Saturday, October 11 Ottawa moms and babies will gather at St. Laurent Shopping Centre’s Centre Court and compete for first place in the annual Breastfeeding Challenge. Canada and the United States are competing for the seventh consecutive year to set the record for the most babies being breastfed at one time. Moms in Cyprus, France, Luxembourg, Philippines, the United Kingdom, Italy, Japan, Malaysia, Belarus, Bermuda, Switzerland, the Ukraine and many more will join the challenge this year. In 2005 the National Capital Region was proud to come in first out of all 234 participating sites in North America, with 179 babies at the main site. In 2007 there were 198 breastfeeding babies and Ottawa placed fourth. Ottawa hopes to regain its first place rank and encourages all breastfeeding moms to come out, join in the challenge, and raise awareness of the benefits of breastfeeding. Date: Saturday, October 11, 2008 Time: 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Location: St. Laurent Shopping Centre, Centre Court on the first level This year’s main site is at St. Laurent Centre with additional sites at CHEO, Queensway Carleton Hospital, the Montfort Hospital and Civic and General campuses of The Ottawa Hospital. The challenge is part of the celebrations for World Breastfeeding Week in Canada and is sponsored by the Quintessence Foundation, a non-profit group providing education to parents and professionals about breastfeeding. For more information on the Breastfeeding Challenge, visit ottawa.ca/health. For more information on the Quintessence Foundation, visit www.babyfriendly.ca.

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From: Aggie
To: ESIs
Sent: October 02, 2008; 2:05pm
Subject: Event to Cover

I will give this assignment a pass. But, indeed, someone should latch on to this one.

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From: Coyote
To: ESIs
Sent: October 02, 2008; 2:15pm
Subject: Event to Cover

A crying shame, but I will be watching the PowerBlock on Spike TV. Because then, I know where to aim my eyes without somebody becoming unsettled.

Tong Thursday

Here is a summary of my day:
1) Getting pissed off at a know-it-all who knows f-all (KIAWKFA).
2) Obsessing about how annoying KIAWKFA is.
3) Trying to prove that KIAWKFA is "misinformed" by doing a literature search of the latest research...
4) Finding the evidence I need to prove KIAWKFA wrong.
4) Debating whether or not I should present the KIAWKFA with my evidence that he indeed knows f-all.
5) Deciding to go to a yoga class instead.
6) Going to yoga.
7) Practising with my alternative concept-artist band.
8) Eating really good chili prepared by Manny Blue.
9) Watching the French debates.

Conclusion: yoga, chili and concept art is the way to go. Here is my concept artist hero at the moment - Michael Swaine. For inspiration, watch him in a video here.

The importance of being (fashionably) earnest

Audrey, ESI Cultural Affairs Officer, is nothing if not a trendspotter. And what better place to detect the latest fashionista wave than Italia?

It appears Sarah Palin may be on to something. Audrey has noticed the look di giorno among the women of Firenze is "austere serious." Simple. Understated. Muted. Dark colours. Perhaps with hair pulled back.

In short, nothing too flashy. Kind of like the Alaskan governess. As the Washington Post's Robin Givhan recently noted about Palin, "Her clothes are unpretentious, but they are also unremarkable. ... Everyone knows someone who dresses like her, which is partly why so many folks seem to think that they know her."

Image: Near the Mercato Centrale, Firenze, 01/10/08