Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t (*) Zeitgeist Award

The observant among you will have noticed that I did not post Friday. I can explain: the dog ate my homework. Wait! I am the... oh, crap...

Actually, my reasons have to do with yesterday's state of high fuzzy-headedness. Thursday evening, whilst I was partaking of a postprandial aperitif, (often a blissful moment) the trouble began. Somewhere not unadjacent to the 'ol coyote den, a car with its antitheft alarum's sensors cranked to the max began to honk wildly at the transit of every squirrel - nay, every falling leaf. You know how many leafs are fallin' right now. It sounded like a freight train. Or a Buick.

I assumed some ass had parked and gone off to carouse on Elgin Street, and that all would be well in a few excruciating hours.

Wrong. All night, that horn fired off every five minutes. I then assumed that perhaps said ass had over-imbibed and taxied home. Still an ass, yet at least not endangering the public. But a quick stroll at eight-AM-ish Friday morning pinpointed the offending automobile - indeed a big honkin' new Buick - in a nearby residential driveway.

I contemplated this hyperactive excretion with an austere red eye. Well, two. As I did, a guy with an air of Steve Dallas about him stepped blithely from the porch with his Eddie Bean Insulated Travel Mug, Giant Squid Edition®, blipped the remote, climbed in, started up, and drove off.

I am grateful to Woodsy and Pandora for their thoughtful attempts to caffeinate my sleepless condition at a popular bean juice joint, later that day. They were well-intentioned and well-received.

Yet, maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in, but my ill humour remains. Steve: You are the lucky winner of coyote's Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t Zeitgeist (PPUTZ) Award. This means that I am bending my not-inconsiderable semimythical, totemic telekinetic powers to focus the universe's karma upon you. Kinda like a big psychic magnifying glass aiming the sun at your brain. Soon, your head will explode. All over your brand-new Buick's upholstery, I hope. Fair is fair.

* Toot. Twat. Take your pick...

Taxi Driver Story II - The Soothsayer

Last Monday, after an amusing evening romp with a mere mortal, I was once again heading home in a taxi.

Unlike my other taxi driver, this fellow allowed me time to settle my dainty derrière into his crackly plastic covered back seat before driving off erratically.

He did not speak, but I was aware that he was staring at me fixedly in his rear-view mirror. “Oh, here we go again,” I thought, sighing lightly in an attempt to conjure up serenity.

Suddenly, he began speaking to me in a loud and passionate voice.

He explained that within a few seconds of seeing someone's face, he knows things about them. It is a gift. He does not see the future; he just sees things as they are.

And since, as you well know, it is a long drive to my home in the woods, I was his captive listener.

If I tried to thank him for what I perceived to be compliments, or to comment that he was correct about certain points, or to insist that certain things that he was relating to me were impossible, he would erupt and spurt, "You cannot argue these things with me. That is reality what I tell you!”

That is Reality

You are a kind person. That is Reality

You are a good person. That is Reality

You see life in black and white and know what you want. That is Reality

You have worked very hard all your life, and now you deserve to have fun. That is Reality

You have been a very good mother, and now it is your time to relax. That is Reality

You have taught your children to be the same kind of person that you are - kind, intelligent, and caring. That is Reality

You are involved with a man who loves to give you kisses everywhere. That is Reality

You are involved with a good and kind man. You will have a very happy, kind relationship. It will last forever. That is Reality

You will be married in 1-5 years. That is Reality

You will have 2 children - a boy and a girl. That is Reality

When you live with this man, every night he will want to be with you. He will cover you with kisses, and he will melt into you. That is Reality

To his suggestive comment about a man melting into me, I reacted, "Hey!"

"What?! That is natural what I tell you! It is on TV, it is on the Internet, it is in the movies - it is everywhere," he responded excitedly while waving both hands up I the air."

Has anyone else caught a ride with this soothsayer?