I'm the kind of guy who makes Google poems

* I'm the kind of guy who thinks fotos made by fotografers might want to mean something.

* I'm the kind of guy who can say in 100 words what most say in twelve. By choice.

* I'm the kind of guy who likes to ask a lot of people questions for reviews and do my own research before I buy something so I know that I'm getting a quality product.

* I'm the kind of guy that knows the names of the store clerks where I stop and get my daily morning Diet Coke; I'm the kind of guy who will let you in front of me in traffic or in line at the store

* The itching is horrible, but I'm the kind of guy who doesn't seek medical treatment right away. It's not a macho thing.

* Look, I'm the kind of guy who loves to ridicule blatant Monster Hunter rip-offs.

* You have to remember, I'm the kind of guy who has to look that up.

* I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, “Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?

* I'm the kind of guy who strongly believes in doing what you're passionate about to make money.

* I'm the kind of guy who just goes out and tries to catch as much as I can every day and make as much money as I can in every event, and then I sit back and see how that hand plays out.

* I'm the kind of guy who visits a gallery or museum and can't understand the people who see things in art. I just see it as art.

* I would tell you to just stop reading and listen to it, but I'm the kind of guy who likes to keep that sort of thing to myself..

* I'm the kind of guy who likes to take responsibility and I like the pressure.

* Like I said before, I'm the kind of guy who goes about my business and not try to think
about things like that or things that are out of my control too much.

* I'm the kind of guy who says things sometimes just to make myself laugh, but she would just catch me making jokes for me.

* I'm the kind of guy who does a lot of self-expression on my laptop

* I'm the kind of guy who takes pictures of himself.

* I'm the kind of guy who's constantly trying to improve myself by reading up on whatever I can.

* I'm the kind of guy who likes to have my hands in the nitty-gritty and keeping stealthy until having things really, really ready, but I recently reached the point where I realized that I needed to flip the coin and get out of the office

* I'm the kind of guy who… Will wake up to kill a mosquito in the middle of the night, but won't wake up and open the door for someone ringing the doorbell in the morning.

* I'm the kind of guy who fixes stuff only when it stops working, or when its broken.

* On the other hand, I'm the kind of guy who changes my devices every year

[source]

Never Trust a Google Poem

* Never Trust a Hippy
* Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be
* Never Trust A Junkie

* Never trust your solder joints
* Never Trust a Man in Crocs
* Never trust a millionaire quoting the sermon on the mount
* never trust an attractive woman that you meet in a dungeon

* Never trust the media guys who tell you to “go ahead and leave your mic on”
* You Should Never Trust Someone Whom You Don't Know To Take a Decent Picture
* you should never just trust a review

* Never Trust a Scrawny Foodie
* Never trust an international guarantee
* Never trust a CEO with your personal well-being
* Never trust a cloud!

* Never Trust Your GPS.
* Never Trust the Internet to Always Be Your Friend
* Never trust Google Maps when walking!

* never trust a fart no matter what.

* Never trust your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
* Never Trust A Jawa
* Never, NEVER trust your form inputs.
* You Should Never Trust The Photos Hotels Post Online

* Never trust downloads even if it is from a respected official download site because it might still be a threat
* Never Trust a Politician
* Never trust a warlock

* Never trust a fart. I had a rather unfortunate experience after tonight's 10 mile run.

* Never Trust An SEO Salesman
* Never Trust Anything With That Much Wicker Around
* Never trust a man who wears a sweater vest
* Never trust a big butt and a smile

[*]

Maman walks The Line

You have no doubt heard news of the National Gallery's new acquisition, One Hundred Foot Line, planted of late on the foothills of Nepean Point.

I understand that, nominally, it represents a bare, limbless tree. With the right lighting (read: "brooding and dramatic") it's pretty spectacular. It is a tall pointy metal stick to be reckoned with, but not for wimpy, mild cirrus-cloud summer days. Yet I was also kinda jealous when the guys over at OttawaStart.com came up with the line: "A huge monument to sticking your tongue to a cold pole."

The other day, after each of us had wandered down serially to look up (waaaaaay up...) at it, Robin K. from Watawa Life and me had a lengthy philosophical discussion about the phenomenological and epistemological implications of really humongous public art.

Long story short, Robin said he still far preferred Maman, out front. He's cooler on stainless steel toothpicks. Or in his words, "Who wouldn't like a statue of a giant spider?"

About then, some semimythical idiot piped up thoughtlessly, "...but has no one considered how cool it would look if Maman was climbing that steel tree? Epic, in a King Kong on the Empire State Building kinda way! But more spidery and metallic…!"

It was at that fateful point that Robin fatefully uttered the fateful words: "Agreed! Send her up."

Genius.

Hoot, Hoot Tiana

Dear Tiana,

We should have tea sometime. I have the tea pot (made by hand by the Erratic Genius), and you have the cup.

Cheers,

Woodsy

Finally, a sprinkling of public art

Ottawa's new watering can sculpture at the corner of Kent and Slater streets. Perhaps the can should be filled with vinegar given the nearby chipwagon.

Hello Dolly

I wish that I had bought this doll that Gabe, over at Fish on Fridays, made and was selling at Urban Art in Minto Park on July 18th.

It would have made a great pincushion.

Performance Art

Stopped by Gallery 101 on Friday night with a few friends to see Not Tonight Honey, an art show that promised to include performance art.

By the time we arrived, we had missed three performances, but we stayed long enough to catch at least one.

We may have caught two. One of the gallery's bathrooms had a closed circuit TV camera in it with a monitor out in the gallery. At one point, a woman went into the bathroom and on the monitor we could see her pacing back and forth waving her arms. I wasn't sure if this was a performance or perhaps a private display of tension or strong emotion.

But we definitely caught one full performance. The room got suddenly quiet while I was in the middle of expounding on something. We had missed a young woman disrobing and then kneeling in front of a set of candles and water bottles filled with a dark liquid.

The woman lit a candle, said a prayer, whipped herself a dozen or so times on the back with a flogger and drank a bottle of the liquid. Then she lit the next candle and repeated the process. Her back was getting bright red by the fourth candle and the fourth bottle. It occurred to me that she was drinking too much in too short a time for it to be healthy. That is when I realized that a part of her ritual that I thought was silent prayer was actually regurgitation into a large container.

I decided that I didn't really want to see any more of the performance and walked out to the Gallery's back deck. The others who had come with me, Aggie, the Disheveled Waiter and Woodsy had apparently also seen enough.

We had a lively discussion about the performance and performance art in general. But I am left with several questions including:

1. Are nudity, self-flagellation, regurgitation and religious iconography passé in performance art?
2. Or do you need at least one of those elements so that people will know it's art?
3. Are the levels of self-harm and audience discomfort directly proportional to the quality of a performance art piece?
   

Google Poem: Not me

* I'm not the kind of person who likes medications but with my migraines I've always taken a double dose of advil

* I'm not the kind of person to come up to a friend/colleague/family member and talk like there's no tomorrow. It's not me – at all.

* And I'm not the kind of idiot who will eat worms or a box of thumb tacks if you dared me.

* I'm not the kind of guy who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow

* I'm not the kind of liberal who thinks safety net programs are the end all be all, but I do think they serve a serious and necessary purpose.

* Don't get me wrong, I'm not the kind of cheesball man, comfortably satisfied by watching junk tv missing the fun like a spoil sport.

* I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into.

* Normally I'm not the kind of guy who would go around encouraging people to look at my stuff

* I'm not the kind of person that instantly jumps on the "the world is gonna be nuked," "the Earth is heating up and New Jersey will be an underwater museum," bandwagon.

* Now granted, I'm not the kind of freak that needs the new and improved upgrade the day it's released,

* What should I do, I'm not the kind of person to be straightforward about these things.

* So, I'm not the kind of person who checks his email regularly, but this time I just had to, because my inbox has too many e-mails from Facebook.

* Andddd, yeah I'm not the kind of girl that ALWAYS have the perfect hair, perfect bangs, perfect face and everything.

* I'm not the kind of person who believes thieves ought to get off free.

* I'm not the kind of person who thinks there are certain things you just can not joke about.

* and I'm not the kind of person that thinks about taking pictures of clouds very often. In case you care.

* See...I'm not the kind of wife that can't sleep when her husband is not right next to her

* Because what I finally realized yesterday is that I'm not the kind of person who I used to be

* I'm not the kind of person who likes losing her time, but sometimes it feels good.

* I'm not the kind of artist who can paint the same kind of picture over and over, or write the same stuff over and over. I need to be on the move, exploring, failing, striving and challenging myself.

* I'm not the kind of guy who just sleeps with anyone

* I'm not the kind of person to not put in my two cents.

* I'm not the kind of girl to try to play a man out. I take the money and the gear and then break the hell out.

* And I'm not the kind of guy, I think you know, that spends a whole lot of time worrying these things.

[Source]

Artsy Fartsy Loo

Bob, is this not the most beautiful loo you've ever seen?

I didn't know if I should pee or genuflect...

Coping: The Google Poem

* I'm coping by eating toffee.

* I'm coping by keeping my well-paid job in a stable, recession-proof industry.

* I’m coping by fantasizing about moving to a commune in Oregon to bake bread, make goat cheese, and raise honeybees. Of course I know that would be stressful too because honeybees are dieing off...

* As you can see, I'm coping by turning my grief into anger.

*So far, I’m coping by a lot of eye rolling* I'm coping by talking to some friends, and posting quite a long story here, and maybe I'll try to find some St. John's wort.

* I’m coping by doing silly things like this.

* I’m coping by working out regularly for the last six months with the Orinda Aquatics Masters program.

* I'm coping by cleaning off the car while my partner showered. I'm coping by insisting on shoveling yesterday. I'm coping by eating. I'm coping by calling every single one of the temp agencies and getting back on their "available" list.

* I’m coping by reinforcing and learning as I go.

* I'm coping by cracking open some new football cards.

* I’m coping by using even more extraneous swearing on the internet than before, because I can’t even say “that sucks” around the kids.

* I’m coping by watching Quarterlife on the net at Dexter on DVD.

* I'm coping by making my way through "Dexter" Season 1 from Netflix (they'd better release Season 2 soon!) and going through my "Buffy" DVD collection for the first time.

* I'm coping by first doing loosening things, like hip rotations and slow side left-right, right-left punches.

* I'm coping by emailing a girl I knew for two days who lives on the other side of the continent.

* I'm coping by cleaning the house and reading madness and civilization.

* I've been grounded from the internet, tv, my nintendo ds, magazines, take out food, my cell phone, and radio for 2 weeks at my moms cause i was really rude to her when we got in a fight earlier, but I'm coping by reading Harry Potter.

* I'm coping by still living in a community house that makes demands of you frequently (but all in all in a good way), and working very hard, and trying to get organized.

* I'm coping by not coping.

* I'm coping by not thinking about it

* I'm coping by not even thinking about it.

* All of my classes require entirely too much reading, but I'm coping by simply not doing all of it.

* ...meanwhile, things are a bit uncomfortable but I'm coping by just digging in and concentrating hard on my job.

* I'm coping by putting it into a story

* anyway, i’m coping by “working from home” today, aka getting paid to sit around and surf the web.

* I'm coping by typing fast.

Google Poem – Extreme Love

* I loved him so much that I just never told him.

* I loved her so much that I didn't feel like I could lie to her about anything

* I loved her so much.. that I did lie

* I loved her so much that I started to lay my cards about the coming days.

* I loved him so much that I didn't want to face the truth.

* I loved him so much that I’d rather be forgotten by him than cause him a moment’s pain in the remembering

* I loved him so much that I just learned to overlook things like forgotten anniversaries or Valentine's Day.

* I loved him so much that I let him go fulfill his dreams.

* I loved him so much that my heart fell out

* I loved him so much that I even forgave him that weird habit he had of describing the slightly sagging flesh of women's upper arms and knees...

* I loved him so much that I felt like I was killing off the part of me that loved being a radical feminist dyke.

* I loved her so much that I loved her to death, because two weeks later she got killed in a car accident...

* I loved her so much that I would always go with her if I could. I hate to shop and she knew that.

* I loved him so much that I asked the vet to put me down as well when he was ill and full of suffering ...

* I loved him so much that I gave up my job and moved.

* I loved her so much that I bought a shirt.

* I loved him so much that I held on even when he proved he wasn’t the guy I thought he was.

* I loved her so much that I even accepted her after two breakups

* I loved him so much that I didn't really care if a sexual relationship ever developed.

* I loved her so much that she was never sold, and never ended up on the supper table.

* I loved him so much that it terrified me.

* I loved her so much that I did not stop to think.

* Oh, I loved him so much that his tail and nose fell off. I hope to recreate that love for my daughter one day.

* I loved her so much that I’m even called “t*nga”.

* My wife and I loved him so much, that he went on our honeymoon with us.

* I loved him so much, that I wanted to fix him.

[source]

Balls!

Dwarfie dropped by tonight and found me knitting...


"Wow, Woodsy, you sure have big wool balls!"

More Art and Joy!

The amazing Mae Callen singlehandedly transformed Ottawa last week with her red balloons. Her goal: to bring a little joy into the hearts of weather-beaten, oppressed, depressed, despondent Ottawans.
There is a lot of suffering out there. January lasted forever. Mercury is in retrograde. People are breaking up everywhere you look. And then there's the economy. People are dying. People are sick. People are sad.
So, Irregulars, I'm calling an Emergency Meeting to discuss initiatives to promote joy -- in the spirit of Mae Callen's groundbreaking balloon project.

Google Poem: More than one way?

* if you think the only way to get laid is by drugging someone in order to sleep with you, that is rape and you need to be locked up

* best way to get laid is put her on her stomach, take down that panty shield, and poke until she makes sounds

* Perhaps the best way to get laid is to lead a life worth living.

* Fastest way to get laid is to know what artist your gurl likes most and buy all their albums! You have no idea how many times I have to listen to Chris Brown or Justin Timberlake!

* The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.

* The best way to get laid is without having to use a pickup line; weed out the sober ones who still have their morals intact!

* I am thinking that the easist way to get laid is to hit the club

* It's a truism worthy of Yogi Berra to say that the best way to get laid is to lose your virginity.

* many neanderthals believe that the best way to get laid is to just get her drunk. Don’t get me wrong; that is a fantastic idea if you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship and she is just not in the mood very often

* an easy way to get laid is baking tasty shit for people who think that stuff is hard. ...

* And the best way to get laid is to pretend to be someone else who is cooler than yourself.

* the only way to get laid is… to be rich!

* I was obviously wrong, and the only way to get laid is by emotional manipulation. I have found, from personal experience, that virginity leads to feelings of shame, rage, frustration, inadequacy, isolation, alienation, ...

* a dude in his underwear sitting in his mom's and dad's basement decides the best way to get laid is to lie (this is actually true) so he puts up an improbable Craigslist post trolling for some 15 year old choke job chicken head

* Look at the 40 Year Old Virgin and similar movies, where the sexually-inexperienced male is advised by his “wiser”, more experienced friend(s) that the best way to get laid is to look for the drunkest girl at the party ...

* Seems to me that the way to get laid is to dress up in a hilarious Disney character costume. This also means that you will get to handle celebrity tits.

* Û² So a kid is ~Censored~ and the only way to get laid is to go to ²Û. Û² this ultra school of ~Censored~ kids and here the first thing that ²Û. Û² happens to him is getting rapped by the principal who is g3y and has ²Û ...

* Arabs want sex just as much as Westerners but they are taught that it is dirty and the only “respectable” way to get laid is to get married.

* This brought upon me an epiphany: The easiest way to get laid is to feed off a woman’s jealousy.

* The best way to get laid is to fake confidence and don't listen too much.

[NSFW Disney Photoshop]

Breaking News: LOL Dogs!

Wandering Coyote reported yesterday that the LOL Cats site has a companion blog for LOL Dogs called "I Has a Hotdog".

What she didn't mention is that the site links to an easy tool to make your own LOL Dogs. Like this one:

Bonus: Pirate Dog

Google Poem: Symptoms

* I knew I was sick when I woke up and had to cancel my interview for the university

* I knew I was sick when I did not even want to look at my new steed and wheels and some really slick Timex clothes

* I knew I was sick when I wasn't getting any better

* I knew I was sick when I began coughing up one green golfball-looking globule after the other

* I knew I was sick when I couldn't even enjoy a Miller Lite with Kev on Sunday

* I knew I was sick when I turned down French fries!!

* I knew I was sick when I was trying to make some scarves and my head a was just busting from the pain

* I knew I was sick when I didn't want to knit!

* I knew I was sick when I pulled over to the side of the road to throw up

Stay up to date on these results:

• Create an email alert for "i knew I was sick when"
• Add a blog search gadget for "i knew I was sick when" to your Google homepage
• Subscribe to a blog search feed for "i knew I was sick when" in Google Reader ^New!

Remember, keep your brush on the ice

City hockey fans have yet to recover from the whooping that Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins inflicted on the Ottawa Senators in the playoffs last spring.

Now we hear that Sid the Kid recently took time out from being a shinny phenom to create some art for a charity auction to benefit people stricken with Parkinson's disease.

Is there nothing those penguins can't do? Apparently not.

Behold Patrick, flightless bird, artist, philanthropist. The little critter's work will be part of next Tuesday's Art by Animals auction sponsored by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Maybe the on-ice Penguins can put the NHL Senators to shame. But charity or no, we can't let real penguins show up our genuine senators.

Colin Kenny, surely you have some etchings that could fetch a few bucks on eBay for a good cause?

RNDP 14: A Google Poem - People who need a new paradigm

* From now on, I'm dating myself

* From now on, I'm dating gardeners

* you are just a little boy, And from now on, I'm dating men

* from now on I'm dating girls with no front teeth

* From now on I'm dating better looking boys

* from now on I'm dating on a first come first serve basis

* From now on…I'm dating myself. I mean I already talk to myself so I know my conversations will be good

* From now on I'm only dating Hungarians

* from now on I am only dating Korean women!

* From now on, I’m done dating. That’s it. Over.

* From now on I am only dating girls from North Carolina

* from now on I am dating individual pages as I update them

* from now on I am sticking to sex, dating, sex, women, sex, and drinking...ohh and sex.

* from now on i be better of just dating truly bi people

* From now on, when I'm looking through the dating personals, I'm going to be looking for a mature girl

* From now on, I'll be dating Full Filipinos

* from now on, unless I'm seriously dating someone who really wants me to change it, "single" on my MySpace means "not married"

* from now on I only will be dating playboy bunnies or rich good looking women!

* From now on, I'm only dating orphans

* From now on I'm only dating girls with ugly moms

* from now on I'm only dating sitter-downers

* From now on I am only dating nice guys, forget the slick player types

* From now on I'm only dating thoroughbred dime pieces, that may have stripped and/or posed nude, but are still good people

* From now on, I'm only dating married women

* From now on, I'm only dating hands

["From now on I * dating"]

Google Poem: Really I'm Not

* I'M NOT NARCISSISTIC BUT I KNOW I'M QUIT ATTRACTIVE AND WOULD NEVER EVER TOLERIATE THAT IN MY RELATIONSHIP THERE NEEDS TO BE EQUALITY ...

* I'm ENTp and no, I'm not narcissistic but I've always known I was different. Break The Shade.: Kissing Boys, Getting High, Drinking BeerI’m not narcissistic but I was looking hella sexy that day.

* and i'm not narcissistic, but honestly i'm not that interested in being in CE, is full of apex kids and i can't handle them.

*I'm not narcissistic, but I like to take care of myself. I'm attracted to women who are the same way. (who take care of themselves...not me, ...

* no i'm not narcissistic, but i applied for a job and the first thing they do is google applicants' names!!! i just wanted to see what came up!!!

* That's not to say that I'm not narcissistic, but this isn't evidence for it.

* I'm not narcissistic, but I do love the way I am and look and just exactly what I am.

* Me, myself, and I. I’m not narcissistic but I have to paint what comes from the inside.

* I'm not Narcissistic. But I really have to reveal this secret. I was a wonder boy when I was young.

* If you Log in you could create a "i'm not narcissistic, but i might be the one." node. If you don't already have an account, you can Create A New User. ...

* My hair, I'm not narcissistic, but my hair rocks, and it is normally the first thing people notice about me.

* I'm not narcissistic but look at me anyway.

* And no, I'm not narcissistic, but my mother was and my children's aunt is.

* I wouldn't say I'm not narcissistic, but there are times when kids get a bit self-centered.

*I'm not narcissistic, but I have lived for 19 years. I'm a little hard to impress. The secret to me, though, is that I'll be an asshole until you prove you ...

* I like to think that I'm not narcissistic, but I have a feeling that I probably am...at least a little. This list is probably a good indication that I am.

* You need to know that I'm not narcissistic, but I do know I have my charms and good qualities.

[Source]

And also: love, sweet love

The world needs a new model of politics where a diverse ecosystem of providers offers a variety of institutions that evolve to serve their citizens.
Simply put, the world needs a straight-shooter like Barry Allen again.

the world needs a hero

Clearly, the world needs a massive amount of carbon-free electricity by 2050 to stabilize greenhouse gas emissions.
Iran's defense minister said last Monday the world needs a missile shield to protect against threats from Israel and the United States.
The world needs a BRAVESTARR live action movie, starring THE ROCK.
The World Needs A Good Gorilla Suit
The world needs a gadget that can transport people and things anywhere they want to go.

The World Needs a Hero

Everything in the world needs a change for the better over time.

The World Needs a Hero

The world needs a new, non-polarised, and non-contentious politic; one not made possible by those in situations that promote a left-right, black-white, capitalist-communist, believer-infidel thinking.
I Think The World Needs A Drink
The world needs a place like Biola that does not compromise, that’s rigorous in its academic programs — a place where parents can send their children, not to have their values undermined, but built up
The movie offers no solution for redemption and change but I was reminded how much the world needs a savior.
The scale of the obesity epidemic is such that the world needs a global pact on the best ways to tackle it.

The World Needs a Hero

The world needs a better mobile mail client
the world needs a lot more cloud computing choices.
The world needs a little more Robot
The World Needs A Better News Filter
I believe that the world needs a recess!
the world needs a hub.

I guess the world needs a lot more to learn...

[*]