Whatever you do, don't skip this Google Poem

don't touch his hat

* Whatever You Do, Don't Buy Dermasis.
* Whatever You Do, Don't Show Him The Queen of Hearts.
* Whatever You Do, Don't Call Them Fuddy-Duddies.
* Whatever you do don't do other people's thinking for them.
* And whatever you do, don't try lugging in any nacelles to your local scrap dealer.

* Whatever you do, don't ignore it.
* Whatever you do, don't over-schedule the kids. Everyone needs some downtime.
* But whatever you do, don't get on meds. Those things are REALLY bad for you!
* And whatever you do, don't sit on the sidelines, waiting for a massive drop in prices. It isn't coming.
* whatever you do,don't eat take out/fast food,the stuff is toxic garbage.

* Don't touch his hat, whatever you do, don't touch his hat.

* Whatever you do, don't wait till the last minute to drive to your appointment or you'll pile additional stress on yourself by having to rush.
* Whatever you do, don't lower it.
* Whatever you do, don't forget to put the accurate information for contacting you.
* Whatever you do, don't be one of those people who give their parents a generic wedding gift put some thought into it, make it memorable, and don't wait to the last minute!

* Whatever you do, don't use a string trimmer, which will send sap-oozing bits of plant flying — some undoubtedly landing on bare skin.I
* So, if you like them, eat some apples and bananas and lettuce and make a splendid salad, but whatever you do - don't start your day with a banana!

* Whatever You Do Don't Relax!
* Whatever you do, don't take the staircase that leads up to the rooftop deck. It's haunted.
* Whatever You Do, Don't Stay In Your Lane.
* Oh … and whatever you do … don't forget to leave a comment below!

* Whatever you do, don't forget to thank your asian zodiac that bamboo is making a serious statement for those looking for a modern-day wooden look.
* Whatever you do, don't make an altimatum that you are not fully prepared to follow through with.
* You may say this goes without saying, but whatever you do, don't say anything bad or derogatory about the attendees or anyone or anything while on the webinar, even if you think you've hit mute or it's not on.

* whatever you do, don't ask for the ketchup unless, that is, you like plenty of attention.
* Everyone stay inside and crank the A/C! Whatever you do, don't learn how to cope with extreme weather without the help of central air!
* whatever you do, don't give the photos to a newspaper

* Whatever you do, don't waste that space.

* whatever you do, don't look down at Jennifer Aniston's feet. They are horrible. Really horrible. It's like a dead person's feet have been attached to her.

* And whatever you do, don't stop your child from eating because 'it's almost time for dinner.'
* Whatever you do, don't forget to take advantage of this time.

* whatever you do don't put the blame on you.. blame it on the rain yeah yeah. ...



[source]

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Skill Building

Not quite ready to take over the world? Perhaps you need to strengthen a few skills or develop some new abilities. The City of Ottawa offers a number of low cost programs that can help you.

There are many suitable offerings in the Spring – Summer 2011 Recreation Guide. Here is a small selection from the adult program:

Public Speaking
Improve public speaking with practical tools including breathing techniques and voice work. Build confidence addressing a group in a supportive environment. Skills help in various professional settings.
Nepean Creative Arts Centre – 613-596-5783
Fri 6:30-7:30 pm
Apr 8-May 13 $61.25 645286

Chivalrous Sword Handling
Sword fighting? You mean like Lord of the Rings? Train in the safe handling and fair usage of the European Broad Sword.
Instruction includes parts and history of the sword, shield work, code of Chivalry and how to make chain-maille armour.
Plant R.C. – 613-232-3000
Level 1
Sun 10:30 am-12:30 pm
Jul 10-Aug 28 $90.25 635205

Hypnosis – Basic Techniques
Hypnosis is a tool to communicate with the subconscious. Learn how to achieve a deep sense of relaxation and assist with habits and goals with the guidance of a certified hypnotherapist.
St-Laurent Complex – 613-742-6767
Wed 6-8:55 pm
May 25 $68 636776
Jun 15 $68 636778
Jul 13 $68 636781
Aug 3 $68 636784
Aug 24 $68 636786

The City also has a program to prepare your children to become better henchmen for you:

Spy Camp
Hone your craft, meet ‘real spies’, and run training missions through top-secret briefings and activities. Develop a disguise, make and break codes, use escape and evasion techniques, create spy gadgets, and uncover the science in spying.
Pinecrest R.C. – 613-828-3118
6-8 yrs Tue-Fri 9 am-4 pm
Aug 2-5 $132 644569

FAQ
Q: Are there other courses I should consider?
A: Absolutely, if you haven’t worked your way up to Ballroom Dance Level 10, get on it right away. And if you have not mastered an obscure musical instrument you can start with piano lessons. The piano is not an ideal instrument for an evil genius, but learning it will help you learn how to play the pipe organ.

Q: Should I sign up for one of the dog obedience courses?
A: What? The only dogs an evil genius should have are attack dogs managed by a professional trainer. If you’re looking for pets, it’s cats or reptiles.

Q: Until my plans come to fruition, I’m a little tight on funds. Any way to get a break on registration fees?
A: Of course. Just apply to the Fee Assistance Program.

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Crown Assets

So you want to be a criminal mastermind. You’ve got the IQ. You’ve got the naked ambition to take over the world. But you need materials and supplies. Where to go for good deals on the stuff your world dominating organization needs? Why not try the government?

Crown Assets Canada is currently auctioning two skids of 30-minute road flares (minimum bid: $ 6,672.50). and a whole pile of marine cordage (no minimum bid).

[Notes:

(a) It might be worth waiting on the flares. They were up for sale in February with a minimum bid of $7,850.00, but there were no bids, so the price has dropped by 15%.

(b) The minimum bid is still a big savings over the retail price.

(c) If you don’t know what you’d do with 5600 road flares and heavy marine cordage, you might be evil but you’re no genius.]

Also, if you act fast, you can buy a firetruck (minimum bid: only $3000!) Just the thing for pulling off a major heist in a downtown core.

Bonus Crown Asset items to help you set a criminal mastermind ambiance:

• 6-String Banjo and soft case
• Ceremonial Swords and Scabbards

For Valentine's Day Kisses...

... don't forget to wear your prophylactic plastic lips. It's the height of flu season, people! These babies totally smack down Purell®ing your tongue after the fact, no matter what some of the dodgy-looking gentlemen hovering near those now-ubiquitous hand sanitizer dispensers (in the lobbies of better public buildings everywhere) might say.

And after you've made your sanitary smooshing preparations, and served your sweetheart a romantic Valentine's banquet, remember to get back to us on how you, ummm, made out.

Some of us are all ears. At least the parts that aren't plastic lips...

Aphrodisiacly, Coyote*

If you knit a male friend a pair of tube socks and only have time to finish one before the gift exchange moment, don't wrap up the one sock on its own. Or, you will likely get asked, How did you know my size?, and be reminded about your naive faux pas for years to come.

Also, don't give a male friend a personal massager. Honestly, no matter how you explain that you innocently bought it for his sore muscles (being that he is a labourer), he will tell all his friends that you gave him a vibrator.

And, if wanting to make Coyote happy you give him a bag of granola with dark chocolate in it, be certain to look at the label carefully. Or, he will laugh out loud and say something like, So why exactly are you giving me this granola?



*And, that will be his salutation next time he sends you an email.

A Less Lofty View on Coping with the Economic Downturn

Much as I admire those of you employed who are out there selflessly spending your money to stimulate the economy during this downturn, remember, your situation could change. So keep in mind what's best for you in both the near and the long term.

1. Borrow all the money they will let you. Then, get a no-fee credit that is offering a 1% interest rate on balance transfers a transfer all your debt to the 1% account. Get another card that you can transfer this balance to when the special ends. Repeat the cycle until the mess is all over.
2. Spend on stuff that's cheap in a downturn:
1. Housing,
2. Renovation contractors (remember when those guys wouldn't even return your calls? Ha!),
3. Are you a collector? A musician? Rare treasures will be showing up in the pawn and consignment shops,
   
4. Original art (this is a good time to get your portrait done in oils or pop bottle tops);
5. Promoting yourself, and
   
6. Fancy pets.
   
3. Since you're working really hard so they don't fire you, hire people to do all the things you don't have time for like cooking your meals, mending and washing your clothes, cleaning your house (or houses) and walking your pets.
4. Actually lost your job? Stay in Canada and
   
1. Have a baby,
   
2. Go to school,
3. Write a book,
4. Plant trees, and
   
5. Take your blog pro.

Coping with The Economic Downturn, Part 4

Audrey’s 20 Tips for Reducing Expenditures:

1. Bring your lunch to work as often as possible. Always eat breakfast at home on workdays. (No need to forgo an occasional breakfast out on Elgin Street as a weekend treat.)
2. Drink the cheap coffee at work.
3. Eat dinners at home more often. When you eat out, order the burger, not the dinner special.
4. Avoid the pubs, or, if you indulge, have fewer drinks.
5. Go to the cinema on nights when the price is lower.
6. Avoid using your car. Use public transit or walk. However, don’t take risks to save money. Walking home in the bitter cold or in freezing rain could jeopardize your health; walking home alone late at night can be dangerous for men as well as for women.
7. Ask yourself if you really need something before you buy it.
8. Wait for your favourite items to go on sale.
9. Only make changes to your home that will add value – e.g. modernizing kitchens and bathrooms, and having a basement professionally-finished.
10. We all know that we should withdraw money less frequently so as to reduce bank charges. However, how many of us meet with our bank to discuss our finances before there is a problem Set up an appointment with your bank and discuss your accounts. Can you prepay some of your mortgage? This will save you in interest in all the remaining years when you have a mortgage. Obtain a line of credit and transfer the balance on your credit cards to this lower rate product.
11. Become more knowledgeable about the income tax system – for example, I’m going to add my charitable donations for 2009 to those for 2010 when I file my 2010 tax return.
12. Review your pension plan at work. If you work for the Government of Canada, can you buy back pensionable service (eg. from when you were a summer student)? This will reduce your fears about not being financially secure in your old age.
13. If you are a renter, make appointments to view less expensive properties. You might be surprised to find one that you like better than your current home.
14. Roll your change. My boyfriend had $35 in nickels and dimes and $40 in quarters!
15. Make greater use of the Internet.
16. Marry your true love and move in together. You’ll have more time together and you will save on household expenses! A co-habiting couple can also take advantage of pension and benefit plans. There are also tax advantages to co-habitation.
17. Have a trusted friend do your taxes for you, instead of an agency.
18. Recycle the beer and wine bottles in your basement. My boyfriend and I had a contest – I made $25 and he made $23!
19. Unplug your beer fridge. Disconnect your vcr and other appliances that are drawing power even when not in use (the “phantom load”).
20. Call your cable company and find out if you can save money by switching to digital services. My boyfriend did this, and he is getting more channels for less money. He also advised that people should ask service providers if there are any discounts available.

Hand Kissing

Last Spring, I was kissed on the hand by three different men - a family friend, a taxi driver, and the doorman at a tavern all within a week of each other.

I was surprised by these unsolicited kisses, and I wondered if hand kissing was back in style. Why had no-one warned me?

I mentioned these incidents to the Word Wizard, who seems to know something about every topic. He quickly responded with questions, "Did you offer your hand to be kissed? Did they touch their lips to your hand?"

No, I had not offered my hand to be kissed, and in all three instances I was tricked into receiving the kiss. And, yes, all three had touched their slobbery lips to the back of my hand.

I have since become a little wiser about hand-kissing, and so, gentlemen, if you want to kiss my tiny tender nymph hand

• I must be the one who initiates the gesture by offering you my hand palm down;
• I must know you;
• You must be of equal or higher mythological standing than I am;
• You must slip your fingers under the palm of my hand and gently rest your thumb on my knuckles;
  
• You may either quietly air kiss the back of my proffered hand, or kiss your thumb;
• You must kneel at my feet as you kiss my hand to show that you are in awe of my charms, and
• be forewarned that, according to W.J. Bethancourt III, should you offer an unsolicited kiss I am in my right to eviscerate you on the spot!

SOLD!

Last spring when I was in the process of preparing my house in the Woods for sale, Conch Shell happened to write about the Ottawa housing market. Taking advantage that she and Audrey were real-estate experts, I asked the following question in the comments:

My agent says that I shouldn't leave pictures of family and friends out... they say that the person visiting wants to be able to picture themselves in my home[...] Who do you think is right?

My question generated a glut of comments from readers as to what I should and should not do to stage my house properly for a quick and easy sale. A few weeks later, I posted the following comment:

Thank you all... this is great advice. I have had most of the place painted a light neutral color, and it looks good in both daylight and artificial light... all the trim has been repainted too... and I am removing all the clutter. I hope to make it look spacious, bright and homey. I want people to walk in and feel that it won't be too much work to make it their place with their colors... I will leave family photos out.

Well, three weeks went by during which I had fifteen showings, but received no offers.

The fourth weekend that my little house was on the market, I had to be away overnight on the Friday. Even though my son, Erratic Genius, had been allowed a sleepover, I was not concerned because he is a responsible young man. I knew he and Karate Kid, his sleep-over friend, would cooperate to make the beds and clean-up before the scheduled Saturday one o'clock viewing. I was due back by noon which gave us plenty of time to fluff things up and make everything picture perfect.

I arrived home just after noon and found the place looking ransacked. Standing in the middle of the chaos was Erratic Genius. He looked shell-shocked and desperately pale. Karate Kid was nowhere to be found.

“What happened here?” I asked calmly horrified.

All in one erratic breath he explained, “Karate Kid and I were woken up by these (expletive) people just walking into the house at 10 a.m.… and last night Karate Kid cut himself – there’s (expletive) blood in the (expletive) bathroom sink, on the (expletive) mirror, and on the (expletive) linen cupboard doors…It's real blood this time. We tried to clean up but it just got (expletive) smeared…I can't believe that (double expletive) people just walked into the house this morning without (expletive) setting up an appointment… there was a (expletive) real-estate agent and a couple… they had 3 (triple expletive) kids… the (expletive) kids jumped all over your made-up bed and on the sofas… they were (expletive) running around the house (expletive) yelling and touching stuff… Karate Kid and I tried to clean-up the pizza boxes and pop cans from our sleep-over, but then another (double expletive) agent showed up with more clients… they walked in with their (expletive) shoes… they left (expletive) mud prints everywhere… then a third (expletive) agent showed up with her (expletive) client and started asking us all kinds of (expletive) questions, so we just ran off…I just got back... I waited until they were all (expletive) gone to come back… I’m so sorry Woodsy! We will never sell our place!

Some people must prefer a lived in look, because a few days later I had an offer from the third visitor that day!

After the Flirtation: Getting some Action at the Movies

There has been some talk around here lately about flirting. Seems some of you are comfortable flirting, some of you have issues with flirting and some of you don't know you're being flirted with until someone plants a wet one on your lips.

I, of course, am an expert on flirtation, but rather than share my expertise with you people at no charge, I am holding out for a government contract. As you've no doubt heard, the government of Singapore has introduced a university course on flirtation. In a year or two, they will need someone to lead their graduate-level classes and they'll be looking to hire me. Either that, or our own government will realize that Canada is falling behind in the love-gap and bring me in to straighten things out.

Still I have some advice for you developmentally-delayed daters. Here it is:

Movies are for First Dates!

I can hear you already! "Are you crazy, Dwarf? You don't go to a movie on the first date! You can't talk at the movies. You can't learn more about the person."

I say, "exactly!" You can't talk at the movies. The more you talk with someone, the more likely you are to find out things about each other that will turn you off. There is plenty of evidence that the time you spend before the movie is more than enough time for two people to become attracted to each other and things you believe are turn-offs and turn-ons for you, probably aren't. [e.g. News or Journal].

And if you don't know each other, after the movie you will have a shared experience to talk about.

Then there's the situation where the date is with someone you know really well. Maybe for years. Had lunch together every work day for months. Helped each other buy clothes. Let's face it, if you're in this situation another opportunity for talking is not going to help you get on base. Go to a movie.

You're in the dark, you can't talk, but you can smooch. If the movie is awful, smooching will improve it; if the movie is wonderful, smooching will add to the emotion.

Tips for Action

1. Sit in the back row. So you won't feel observed.
2. Wear a shirt with buttons. If you're wearing a boy shirt, sit on the right, your date's hand will more easily slip inside; sit on the left if you're wearing a girl shirt.
3. If you're holding the popcorn, accidentally move it when your date goes for it, gently place their hand where you think it should be.
4. If your date is holding the popcorn, accidentally miss the box, let it stay there longer than necessary.
5. Ostentatiously yawn, stretch your arms, and let your arm fall over your date's shoulder. Smile to show that you're being funny and know that you're using the oldest move in the book. But leave your arm there.
6. Your hand may just happen to fallen over a breast.
7. And unconsciously squeeze at a moment of comedy, tension or drama.
8. If something scary happens, grab your date's arm or leg.
9. Or if something funny happens.
10. Allow yourself to find things funnier or scarier than you would normally.
11. You can't talk, but you can whisper.
12. Whisper things like "that outfit would look good on you" or "I bet you'd deal with a bad guy the same way".
13. While whispering, your lips might accidentally touch your date's ear. Pretend it didn't happen and keep whispering.
14. Or acknowledge that it happened and just start kissing.

If at any point in this process your move is rebuffed, just say, "sorry, I get affectionate at the movies" and go back to being just friends. If they go to a movie with you again, you'll know you are in there. If they don't, maybe you'll move on and stop wasting your time with a hopeless unrequited passion.

Other resources:

• Video: How to go on a date to the Movies
• Advice: How to See a Sexy Movie and Not Have Sex After
• Wiki: How to Kiss
• Instructable: How to Kiss
• Podcast: First Kiss Tips for Christians

Forget Larry, Let’s Talk About Flirting

Over at the Elgin Street Muse blog, there is quite a bit of talk about flirting. Manny Blue mentioned that flirting is a four season activity. Anonymous wanted more instruction. Conch Shell felt it was more of a pre-relationship thing. I like that Aggie concluded that we should just be doing it, and not over thinking it. Certainly, to me, it is an every day activity.

I flirted with an enchantingly pretty young woman this morning. The barista at a Starbucks. She had wild, radiant hair that had strands pulled up in a few places and that were held up by coloured elastics and pretty little barrettes. She wore shiny shell and silver jewelry, and at first I thought she looked a bit like a fairy tale princess - like the one in The Princess Bride. I noticed that the chalk board on the counter that names the baristas had a drawing of two Mermaids (one blonde with wild hair like my barista). When she handed me my coffee, I looked her in the eyes, smiled amiably, and told her that she did indeed look like a mermaid. She broke out into a lovely smile, and thanked me sweetly.

I flirted with a scrumptious young man this afternoon at a Bridgehead. I liked how he had a bit of an old fashioned look about him - as if he had just walked out of the late seventies. Maybe I just wanted to believe he looked that way, because that is when I would have been the age that I suspect he is now. I asked him if he would make my latté pretty like the last time. Last time he made a half-moon design in the foam. We chatted about how in Vancouver they make all kinds of nice designs in the latté foam. He had my undivided attention. He mentioned that a friend of his was being flown from Vancouver to somewhere in the States to compete in foam decorating.

“I’m really not very good at this,” he apologized.

“In Vancouver someone made a heart in my foam.” I mentioned.

“There you go,” he said handing me my latté, “but I don’t know what it is.”

“Look,” I said, turning the cup around for him to see, “it’s a tulip.”

“Oh, wow, so it is.” He marveled at his art.

I winked at him and said, “Now I can tell my friends that a nice young man gave me a flower today.”

He smiled and blushed.

Ms Army Pants witnessed the flirt with the young man and was told about the flirt with the young girl. She called me dirty.

“You’d do anything for sex wouldn’t you.” She accused.

“It’s not about sex,” I protested. “I am much too old for either of them. It’s about connecting, it’s about having conversations, it’s about making people smile…” I explained passionately and honestly.

“No, you’re just dirty.” She insisted.

Ottawa Housing Market: Up or Down?

The spring housing market is upon us, and I have some friends who are now looking to buy property, and I thought I’d turn this discussion to thoughts on Ottawa’s real-estate market.

Garth Turner, who has just published, “The Greater Fool: The Troubled Future of Real Estate” says no-one should be buying a home now. Others disagree. Loads of economic forecasters say the market will keep rising, although perhaps slower than before. Others say we could be in a condo bubble. Others that condos are solid because of our aging population base. Others say the U.S. economic meltdown will soon hurt our own housing prices. I also find myself wondering about all those people who rushed, as speculators, to buy in Calgary/Edmonton. Forecasts now are that these markets have flat-lined.

It’s a gamble. An old house on my street (Central Ottawa) just sold for well over $500,000, and I thought it was worth about $350,000. These new owners must think it’s worth it.
Well, for those of you who want to buy, but really, really don’t want to lose money – and are not made of it -- here’s my thoughts (okay, I’m no expert, but nonetheless):

First, don’t go into the suburbs. Everyone’s into minimizing their carbon footprints, and that means inner-city neighbourhoods are in. For several years now the city core neighbourhoods have been climbing in value faster than the outlying areas, and I think this trend will continue and intensify. (Besides, studies tell us that suburb life makes people fat and a little less happy than they would have been, country homes excluded).

Second: if you can at all manage it, buy a house that actually has a yard. There are $600,000 properties out there with no yard, and there are $300,000 ones with beautiful back yards. As the city grows, that urban yard will become much more valuable, plus it gives you room to expand (when you can afford it) without having to move.

Third: If you must buy a condo, see #1 and be even more stringent. That’s uber-urban core, and by this I also mean the hip-urban core of areas like Westboro and the Glebe. Places where there’s not a lot of crappy homes/old warehouses that could get torn down for future condos to compete with yours (and glut the market). I’d say, make sure your condo is within a 10 minute walking distance to three coffee shops. Let’s say that two will suffice if said condo is also within a five minute walk to water.

Fourth: Try not to be directly on a busy street. Don’t buy on Main St., or Parkdale, or Holland, or Scott, if you can avoid it. It might seem like a good deal now, but it’ll be hard to sell in the future, especially if there’s a downturn, plus all that carbon-monoxide and extra stress will take years off your life. Not a good deal.

Fifth: Don’t buy somewhere where you can clearly hear the Queensway hum. Again, it’s not just noise pollution, it’s also that carbon monoxide stuff taking years off your life.

Sixth: Do buy in the “annex” neighbourhoods, the poorer cousins to the rich ones. So: Dow’s Lake, Bronson-West/Little Italy/Hintonburg (Mechanicsville), which annex the Glebe and Wellington Village/Westboro. Preferably seek out a neighbourhood that has a cool and already vibrant “High Street”. A main drag that looks like it could develop further. For the strong-willed and smaller budgeted, I’d also suggest Vanier, but close to Beechwood, not MacArthur.

What do you think, are prices going up or down? What Ottawa neighbourhoods are the best ones to buy into now?

Buckyblog #2: too cute by half

Huh. Apparently, kittyblogging has strict rules. Who knew? Since the Short Guy, in addition to being a hairball expert - he's one himself - is also a tiresome pedant, I have no reason to doubt him. Speaking of hairballs, you should see the size of them! Huge, sploogey tan and brown things, covered in cat spit and splattered all over the antique cream broadloom! (We coyotes keep a very retro-stylish den...) Yucko!

I would've asked Aggie what to do about them, followed her advice, then reported the amusing results, but an urgent matter has arisen. Note the calculating expression on Bucky's puss: It comes to my attention that all cats are members of a fiendishly well-organized cabal dedicated to taking over the world. They infiltrate people's homes, weasel their nefarious tunaheaded ways into positions of trust, suck the air out of their alleged owners' lungs until they can't think straight (Various Zoom postings and comments passim) then run the world by proxy whilst their hosts are weakened and suggestable.

But they want more. And they have the means to do it. Read this carefully, and don't let your cat see you when you do it: Every cat in the world is in constant extrasensory communication with every other cat. It's a maleficent feline group brain, dedicated to total domination. When they're ready, they'll pounce, take over the world, and likely snack on your cold, dead fingers as an afterthought. They're determined, cunning, organized, and very, very good. Look at the evidence: innocent coyotes are being chased out of Greely and Richmond as we speak! Coincidence?

The good news, is that you can fight back. If you have an ounce of spine left, break out the tinfoil and start making hats. No, no, no, not for you, you oxygen-deprived fool, for your cat. Slap one of them suckers onto a furline and it'll cut off all group-mind brainwaves instantly. Oh, even then, it'll still try to play the cuteness card. Resist! Don't let your cat doff its tinfoil hat! Your future depends on it...

Another Friday Night with Fourth Dwarf

"Care to see a flick Friday night?" a pretty pixie asked me this week.

Always liking it when the lady makes the first move, I happily agreed. "What are we going to see?"

"There will be Blood," she told me.

"Gee, sweety," I said. "I don't like vampire movies."

"Don't worry," she said, "it's not a vampire movie. You'll like it, I promise."

"Oh, ho!" I thought. "It must be a pirate movie!" (Wrong, but I'm getting ahead of myself.)

Dinner at the Buffet Moni Mahal

The Buffet Moni Mahal has the best Indian buffet in downtown Ottawa or the Glebe. (I've tried them all unless a new Indian restaurant has opened in the last month.) The price is lower than most and it has a wider variety of items. In fact, at least double the number of dishes you'll find at Haveli or the East India Company.

There is always butter chicken. There is always egg plant. There is always spinach.

We both enjoyed our meals. The staff said nothing about the number of plates I used.

Moni Mahal Buffet
164 Laurier Avenue West, Ottawa, ON K1P 5J4
Tel: 613-234-8882

[Many online references have the Moni Mahal on Laurier Ave East. This is wrong. And may embarrass you if you take a taxi from Slater Street.]

There will be Blood

It's not a vampire movie and it's not a pirate movie. It's a mining movie! To be specific, it's about the early days of oil drilling, but it starts in a gold pit. It brought me back to my youth, I tell you.

I was fascinated because I've had little experience with oil. Sticking mostly with salt, coal and of course, the precious gems and minerals. But I can tell you, the scenes in the pits were realistic.

The movie also had lovely music from the London Philharmonic except that a lot of the time you could tell that something horrible was going to happen just because the music was so loud and screechy. Can't they hear those violins? Don't they know that she's about to blow?

Favourite quote: "I'd like you better if you didn't treat me like I was stupid."

Noteworthy credits:

• Standby Greens - Ryan Bust [He has an entry on IMdb; And this article says "The greensman is a specialist who decides how and where to place plants and greenery in the film scenes."]
• Albert Chi as himself [How can a movie set between 1899 and 1929 have someone playing themself? But on IMdb, I see that he is listed as "assistant: Mr. Anderson" and Paul Thomas Anderson was the Director.
  
• "This motion picture was carbon neutral" [Which is quite an accomplishment given that they had an oil well fire and some cool explosions. On the other hand, Industrial Light and Magic had lots of credits, so maybe that was all animation. Still, I had to wonder, if ILM was involved, why couldn't they make it look like the wheels on the old cars were rolling forward instead of backward?
  

The PC * Primer

* Pee Clues **

Well. After one's recent snappy exchange with the ESIs' (really, probably all of Ottawa's) favorite Sassy Redhead, one feels compelled to explore the topic in more depth. You know. Put one's nose to the ground, sniff around, tread a contemplative circle for a bit, satisfy oneself that one has found exactly the right spot, and then... one digresses. It must be instinct.

She raises a valid question. Why need we be concerned if a certain partner pees on himself, and only himself, then walks into a Tim Horton's? What business is it of ours? Other than because he blogged it for the entire Internet to read, I mean.

Well. I can only speak for myself, because other members of this little consortium may (okay, almost certainly do) have other thoughts on the topic.

In my view, though, if he's going to make a habit out of this kind of thing, there are products out there that are way better adapted to some form of human riding in an auto's shotgun seat, than Coke cans.

More importantly, as one of several four-legged species that regard this form of communication with the utmost seriousness, I have to say that if he's peeing on himself, that's just a totally egregious waste of perfectly good territory-marking ammo...

** C'mon! You didn't think this was going to be about Political Correctness? Personal Computers? President's Choice? Or, Dog help us, the Progressive Conservatives? Did you?!

AndrewZRX: Motorcycles, Birth Classes and Roundabouts

This is a guest posting from AndrewZRX:

I recently blew up my motorcycle. I wouldn’t do this every day, but I’d highly recommend you try it at least once.

Wait - how does pre-natal classes at 7:30 am on a fucking Saturday morning sound? With my tongue still pickled, too, from the scotch the night before. Soften that cervix, baby.

No, the motorcycle sounds better. Or it did, anyways, before it blew up. Have you ever seen piston rods blasting out the front-end of a high-revving four-cylinder 1100cc motorcycle engine?

The midwife droned on for three full hours, using stained, filthy props and plastic posters of a graphical nature. The most interesting bit was the bit about the placenta -- or, more precisely, what people do with it afterwards. Some bury it in the garden during the full moon. Incantations are involved. Some people take them home and eat them. Apparently they’re quite tasty with garlic.

Actually, neither have I. (Seen the piston rods etc.). But as it was happening I was worried about grievous bodily harm, if you follow. Luckily all is well. So says my wife at least.

Do Canadians eat their babies’ placentas? I don’t know. But I sure miss Canada. I have a soft spot for those Canadian government screw-ups. Scandals in Canada rarely involve 25 million lost records, or illegal wars, or the shooting of innocents in the back. Canadian screw-ups are generally benign, and I miss them.

I miss the seasons, too, but at least over here I can ride my bike year round. It gets slippy in the roundabouts sometimes, but you can still do it. Roundabouts are a good thing. We should have them in Canada.

Here a few things you should know about roundabouts:

• If you like, you can go round and round. Just keep going. Beware of dizziness.

• There can be several lanes in a roundabout. Incorrect use of roundabout lanes can result in permanent disfigurement and embarrassment. Utilize with caution.

• It’s usually best to figure out where you’re going before you enter the roundabout. Otherwise you may get herded and end up in East Kilbride.

• Roundabouts can creep on a man. You can prepare yourself for this irritating tendency by driving faster than everyone else. When the roundabout materializes out of the Scottish mist, just claim it as your own.

• Roundabouts are not the place to be gentle and kind. Be assertive. Exercise your roundabout rights.

• When you start seeing signs for East Kilbride, you are lost. Do not head for East Kilbride. Circle back and try again.

• Drive on the left. This can take some time to master. But it’s fairly important. Watch for roundabout combatants coming from the right.

• Roundabouts are a serious business. Remember this and you’ll do fine.

It seems there are a few things you should know about labour as well. But I can’t seem to remember. She kept heading off on these strange tangents, telling fragmented stories. My mind wandered. Once in awhile my ears would perk up, expecting to finally hear something useful. But then she’d backtrack again, and I’d drone out. I was thinking about a bass riff in a John Scofield song called Over Big Top. The bass gets right in there and opens up doors.

We’re due at the end of January, so I just bought a new motorcycle. It’s black and shiny and pulls wheelies without much effort. Maybe I’ll get a sidecar for the wean. Hopefully I won’t blow this one up too.

AndrewZRX lives in Scotland and bought the opportunity to post here from Zoom in an auction on eBay. If you are wondering what placenta looks like, he offers this link.

Words that won't get you laid

Audrey sent me a link today for a piece by Ariel Leve on the Times online. I suspect that Audrey agrees with Ms Leve.

Words Not To Live By

Sometimes someone will say something and immediately, I’ll lose interest in continuing the rest of the conversation.

A few years ago I went out with a man who ended a message on my answering machine with “rock on”
As in, “I’ll try you again tomorrow….rock on.”
What’s wrong with good-bye? Or nothing at all. Just hang up. We weren’t meant to be.
I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends and I’m not alone. Certain sayings can be an instant turn off.

Here is a partial, not comprehensive, list of things people should stop saying:

1. Pardon my French (after cursing)

2. Anyhoo

3. We’re not in Kansas anymore

4. Rock on

5. What’s the plan Stan?

6. Give me a shout

7. Fancy Shmancy

8. I’m just calling to say howdy

9. Hell-o?

10. Who’d of thunk it?

Now I understand why I so seldom had calls returned after I said "Give me a shout" on voicemails. I wish I had seen this list a long time ago. At least before I bought the t-shirt with "Rock on" spelled out on the front and "Anyhoo" on the back.

Are there other phrases I should be avoiding?

Five life lessons learned in the last week

1) Trying to get insurance companies to cooperate with you is challenging when you are homeless.
2) Getting your cat a root canal or yanking out your cat's tooth costs exactly the same.
3) Getting your cat's tooth yanked out costs more than getting one of your own teeth yanked out.
4) Paying others to clean after you have vacated your place is money well spent.
5) Carrying your old heavy CPU down narrow basement steps with no railing when you are a little bit drunk is a very bad idea.

Wedding Tips

Rather than get annoyed by people smoking cigars and standing in front of my chairs at the Blues Festival, I went to some weddings this past weekend. Lovely affairs, they were, but I have thoughts on how things could be more efficient:

• The Rockcliffe Park Gazebo is a beautiful place for a wedding ceremony, but if you want the Fourth Dwarf to actually get there and not wander around Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, have your wedding in a facility that is served by a bus route.


• If the 3-year-old son of the bride and groom couldn't manage to keep his clothing on during the rehearsal dinner, it is probably a bad idea to give him a baseball bat and ball to play with during the reception.


• You may not really need a photo of the bride and groom with every possible permutation and combination of the wedding guests. But once you have every possible photo shot at the wedding site, you definitely do not need to go to a public garden to get more photos.


• If you're inviting the Fourth Dwarf and he's going to be wandering Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, do not have an open bar.
  

Christmas shopping strategy

My Christmas shopping strategy is simple: get everyone the same thing. Do not enter more than one store, or even one on-line shop.
This year is the year of monster mittens shown above. Last year, I entered one bookstore and got everyone books. The little ones informed me that books are boring. So, this year the little illiterate bastards will get monster mittens.