Paging Councillor Bubbles

From the Agenda for next week’s meeting of the City of Ottawa’s Transportation Committee:

COUNCILLORS’ ITEMS

Councillor Tierney

5. ABANDONED SHOPPING CARTS ON CITY PROPERTY - MOTION

CITY WIDE

WHEREAS shopping carts from malls create a hazard and an eyesore when taken off store property and left on City property; and

WHEREAS, there have been numerous reports to 3-1-1 and Councillor’s offices in this regard resulting in the City spending countless hours and resources returning shopping carts to their respective stores; and

WHEREAS the Municipality of Mississauga currently has an existing Shopping Cart By-Law which the City of Ottawa could reference as a template;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that the Transportation Committee direct staff to prepare a report for Q1 2012 to examine the costs and benefits of the City establishing a program to retrieve store carts from City property, including the option to bring them to the closest City yard for storage until such time as the respective store owner claims and picks up the carts, and establish a fee for the release of the carts to help offset the costs of the program.

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Crown Assets

So you want to be a criminal mastermind. You’ve got the IQ. You’ve got the naked ambition to take over the world. But you need materials and supplies. Where to go for good deals on the stuff your world dominating organization needs? Why not try the government?

Crown Assets Canada is currently auctioning two skids of 30-minute road flares (minimum bid: $ 6,672.50). and a whole pile of marine cordage (no minimum bid).

[Notes:

(a) It might be worth waiting on the flares. They were up for sale in February with a minimum bid of $7,850.00, but there were no bids, so the price has dropped by 15%.

(b) The minimum bid is still a big savings over the retail price.

(c) If you don’t know what you’d do with 5600 road flares and heavy marine cordage, you might be evil but you’re no genius.]

Also, if you act fast, you can buy a firetruck (minimum bid: only $3000!) Just the thing for pulling off a major heist in a downtown core.

Bonus Crown Asset items to help you set a criminal mastermind ambiance:

• 6-String Banjo and soft case
• Ceremonial Swords and Scabbards

RNDP: The President's Choice for Valentines Day

I thought I'd finished with the Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm, but no, here's something new and revolutionary.

The President says:

Surprise your sweetie with an extra-charming Valentine’s Day - at home! Our PC® Dine-In Tonight™ soups, pastas, entrees and desserts are quick and easy, so you can spend less time prepping and more time with your dearest!

We would love to hear from any men who followed this advice. Please give us details of how well it went over.

Fantasizing!

During an outing at the Cube Gallery in August, I played a game that I am certain many of you played as a kid. When the Eaton's Christmas catalogue would arrive in the mail, did you ever hide with it in your room for hours and fantasize that you could order anything your heart desired? I did.

When I saw the art by Alison Smith-Welsh, I was inspired to virtually shop for some of you. In my fantasy, I bought

this ensemble for the ESIs' darling, Audrey,


a pair of panties for the lovely Pandora (this piece is called Pandora's Box),



boots for the indomitable Zoom to continue to kick ass,



and of course, this corset, for the sensuous Nursemyra.

A little mouse-over the pictures will give you an extra tickle.

When in Rome, do as Audrey does

Audrey and I were strolling by the Basilica San Lorenzo the other day when she abruptly stopped, turned and insisted I pause to have a look.

"Aren't these shoes marvellous?" she said, gazing in the men's store window. "Wouldn't it be fun if you tried them on tomorrow?"

"Fun might be stretching the boundaries of the word," I replied.

Ah, Italia. Home of Michelangelo, da Vinci, Brunelleschi.

And Gucci, Versace and Armani.

Yes, in modern Italy, sleek handbags, finely tailored suits and eye-catching shoes compete with Renaissance masterworks for the curious traveller's attention.

And for every 15th-century mural or finely chiselled marble sculpture there is at least one shop window displaying lacy lingerie, silk ties or leather coats. No wonder James Bond feels at home in Italy, gamely speeding under Venetian bridges without even wrinkling his Cardinale slacks.

Though not aggressively unfashionable, the IO spent more time under the Tuscan sun admiring frescoes than footwear. The ever-stylish Audrey, however, is a veritable Siren of foreign fashionistas. And so on occasion I found myself in her company, not comparing the brushwork of Botticelli and Michelangelo but gauging the fit of handsome wool coats.

The wares are undeniably fine. But a touch pricey in the posh boutiques. After all, does one really need to plunk down enough euros for an Armani tie to buy 20 County ales at one of the more inviting Elgin Street pubs?

Walking back to the hotel, we passed a clutch of market-stall street vendors selling less expensive yet still desirable bags, belts and scarves. In fact I picked up three fetching Italian silk ties bearing a respectable fashion-house label for a grand total of a mere 20 euros.

Take that, Mr. Versace.