A Muse Yourselves

I have been known to get grumpy with the ESIs over their whining about their missing Muse. I have been know to tell them to, "Get over it!".


Good news darling ESIs! You can now trundle on over to Images on Bank Street where it seems that you can pick out a new muse...

OC Transpo: Enough with the HO HO HO

Dear OC Transpo,

I am writing today to ask your drivers to go back to using the "Hors Service" display when they are driving an out-of-service bus.

When it is -19 and I have been waiting 15 minutes for a 14 Carlington and I finally see a bus coming, but it does not say "14 Carlington" on the front but instead says "HO HO HO - Merry Christmas", I am not filled with the gladness of the season. Instead I am filled with an emotion that leads me to say "Merry f-ing Christmas, to you too, OC Transpo."

Sincerely,
Fourth Dwarf

p.s. As an alternative to "Hors Service", I am also fine with "Ottawa Senators" because I don't much care for them anyway.

Cheerup: NaBloPoMo and NaNoWriMo are almost over

November is the dreariest month. For metabloggers. Because it is both the month that many bloggers pledge to post every day and the month that many commit to writing a 50,000 word novel.

The sky darkens earlier every night and the blogs we follow are filled with whining about word counts and how terrible those words are or we get posts where the author confesses to having nothing to say but then types in several screens worth of Facebook status updates.

But with all this dreariness, I am still optimistic that along with the solstice and lengthening days, December and the holiday season will will bring us the family dysfunction and morality rants that will make reading blogs fun again.

Life in Wasp-boro

Breaking news from Kitchissippi Times...

How many of us are feeling about this winter in Ottawa

5 reasons why Coyote isn't blogging today...

1) Frozen ears.

2) Frozen paws.

3) Frozen nose.

4) Frozen tail.

5) I'm pretty sure there was a fifth thing - but it's either too numb to count anymore, or else it froze off completely...

Things that should be paralyzing Ottawa in 2009

1. The City of Ottawa master-computer goes to war with the NCC master-computer. Snowplows battle it out with ice groomers while humans cower in their homes.
2. Everyone is grounded because all jetpacks made since 2005 are recalled to replace exploding components created by Moscow hackers who want to claim the 2nd-coldest capital honour for their city.
3. A coolant leak shuts down the superconducting coil in the monorail system.
4. City is evacuated because northwest winds are bringing a radioactive fallout cloud from a nuclear meltdown at Deep River.
5. A new psycho-pharmaceutical has made everyone telepathic so there is no need to go anywhere.

Not so Zen Thoughts

I have not quite perfected clearing my mind of all thoughts during yoga.

For example, tonight, while I was listening to my yoga teacher's soothing instructions, I was also discreetly trying to get a glimpse of the enticing tattoo on her rump.

As I continued posing, I remembered that I should book a series of massages with her. She is also my massage therapist.

At that thought, and as I was trying to stay balanced in a I Have Fire Shooting Out of My Middle Finger She Woman Man Hater Warrior pose, I let out a whiny Uji breath as I realized, with envy in my heart, that there are certain things that have happened to my beloved fellow bloggers that just never happen to me.

I have never,

1. Gotten to second base with my massage therapist,
2. Won anything of any significant value,
3. Scored free tickets to see someone I love perform, or
4. Made love to someone on the desk of a Member of Parliament.
5. There is no fifth thing, but I wish there was.
   

.

Fifths

As Aggie often reminds us, there is no fifth thing.

I think that it is charming that she sees, hears, and speaks no fifth.

But, for those who find this idiosyncrasy confusing, here are a few fifths for you to ponder:

• a fifth wheel

• a fifth of therapy
  

• a fifth of Beethoven

• a fifth of Ayabar

• a fifth reason to stop smoking

• a fifth less
  

• a fifth (see #5)

Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t (*) Zeitgeist Award

The observant among you will have noticed that I did not post Friday. I can explain: the dog ate my homework. Wait! I am the... oh, crap...

Actually, my reasons have to do with yesterday's state of high fuzzy-headedness. Thursday evening, whilst I was partaking of a postprandial aperitif, (often a blissful moment) the trouble began. Somewhere not unadjacent to the 'ol coyote den, a car with its antitheft alarum's sensors cranked to the max began to honk wildly at the transit of every squirrel - nay, every falling leaf. You know how many leafs are fallin' right now. It sounded like a freight train. Or a Buick.

I assumed some ass had parked and gone off to carouse on Elgin Street, and that all would be well in a few excruciating hours.

Wrong. All night, that horn fired off every five minutes. I then assumed that perhaps said ass had over-imbibed and taxied home. Still an ass, yet at least not endangering the public. But a quick stroll at eight-AM-ish Friday morning pinpointed the offending automobile - indeed a big honkin' new Buick - in a nearby residential driveway.

I contemplated this hyperactive excretion with an austere red eye. Well, two. As I did, a guy with an air of Steve Dallas about him stepped blithely from the porch with his Eddie Bean Insulated Travel Mug, Giant Squid Edition®, blipped the remote, climbed in, started up, and drove off.

I am grateful to Woodsy and Pandora for their thoughtful attempts to caffeinate my sleepless condition at a popular bean juice joint, later that day. They were well-intentioned and well-received.

Yet, maybe it's Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in, but my ill humour remains. Steve: You are the lucky winner of coyote's Pre-Posthumous Urban T**t Zeitgeist (PPUTZ) Award. This means that I am bending my not-inconsiderable semimythical, totemic telekinetic powers to focus the universe's karma upon you. Kinda like a big psychic magnifying glass aiming the sun at your brain. Soon, your head will explode. All over your brand-new Buick's upholstery, I hope. Fair is fair.

* Toot. Twat. Take your pick...

Meta-Meta Contest

Aggie and Woodsy have traded days for posting. The reason why we did the switch will be apparent later today, so stay tuned.

A few months before I was invited to join the ESI, a meta-contest was held on this blog. I entered the contest and won a prize. When my prize never materialized, I started whining annoyingly to Fourth Dwarf that I wanted my prize.

"Oh, don't you worry, my dear, you'll get your prize alright," he coughed out ominously.

I got my prize. It is hidden within this blog.

I would like to suggest a meta-meta-contest. Comment as to what it was that I wanted for my prize, then find the prize on this blog, and I will take you out for a coffee and a ginger cookie at Bridgehead - my treat!