Ottawahenge or Ottawagate?

Here's something odd...

On November 30, Trevor Pritchard over at Ottawa.openfile announced a photo contest for photos of the sun setting on Sparks Street to be taken between then and December 5. The prize for the winner would be $75 and a featured spot on their blog.

Early on December 5, Pritchard announced the contest deadline would be extended to December 9 because of cloudy weather.

Later on December 5, our own Coyote posted a photo of the sun setting on Sparks Street taken that day titled "A line runs through it". Coyote's photo shows no clouds in the sky and also shows no other photographers stationed on Sparks Street poised to capture the magic moment.

On December 12, Pritchard announced the deadline would be further extended to midnight on Jan. 13, 2012 because the weather has blanketed the downtown with overcast skies for most of the past two weeks but the sun will be back to setting in the perfect position on January 10.

Pritchard says Openfile has "a desperate need to give away $75", but I wonder how desperate they really are.

We all know Coyote won't actually take the money because it would mean revealing personal information like where he does his banking. But he'd love the attention.

Probably only coincidence

Inquiring coyotes can't help noticing how carefully all the government news releases, media stories and pundits have been pussyfooting around the suspicious confluence of today's two great television events: the fact that August 31, 2011 is the, ummm, drop-dead date stamped upon not only the Great Digitul Switchover, but CTV News anchor Lloyd Robertson's retirement from the 'lectronical firmament.



Both huge! Both televisiony! Has nobody but me connected the two? Even though they hover blatantly in front of us like giant hi-def bats, everybody is carefully pretending they aren't in the room.



(In related news, coyotes are mourning the loss of analog rabbit ears. Digital ones are practically inedible. I digress. Ahem.)



Anyway, it's probably nothing for torch-carrying global villagers across the nation to worry about. However. An ever more parchment-complexioned Lloyd has been calling late night TV bingo for so unnaturally long that even people that don't believe in the undead, openly call him "Count Floyd" to his face now.



So those of us attuned to the semimythical realms, while not feeling certain about this one (Call it a theory. Like economics. I digress again.) suspect pretty strongly that vampires, whom everyone knows cannot be seen in mirrors, may also be incapable of manifesting themselves on digital TV. So, perfect time to retire.



Ummm. Probably only coincidence. But I'm just sayin'...

Who You Gonna Call?

Bed bugs are all the rage these days...

Should I ever need mattress protectors, I know what company to call now. But, I would certainly not want them parked in front of my house.

P.S. Don't forget to mouse over the photo...

Darkly dreaming of dirty work at the crossroads

One niggling issue with buying a brain is that it is - so far, anyway - only an aftermarket accessory. I expect that will change at some point, but at the moment, Mayor Larry's attempt to bolt on some kinda political savvy is hampered by the fact that his actual, own brain is still the one hooked directly to his mouth. Mouth-shooting neurons being as speedy as they are, he can say all kindsa crap before the hired brain can, ummm, hit the Emergency Crash Override button.

So it was, with the Ottawa Stun's editorial board yesterday. Larry blurted that he had a hard time not thinking, as unnamed "more suspicious people" apparently already have, that former regional chairman Andy Haydon's entry into the mayoral race was engineered by front-runner Jim Watson to bleed off Larry fans and cause his ultimate mayoral demise.

Apparently, any unelection event would so not be Larry's fault. Also apparently, Larry fans, while ummm, legion, can't tell two bald guys apart. I'll take a moment to point out to fiscal conservative types who might be duped by such nefariosity that Haydon, while indeed partly bald, is an actual practicing fiscal conservative who knows how to do that kinda thing successfully. He is also capable of pithiness. Unlike me. I just digressed again.

Larry's campaign manager, Robert Thompson was in there yanking the leash. But it musta have been one of those spring-loaded thingies I see on all the posher domestic doggies: you know, the ones that can unreel to about 10 metres like taut clotheslines, to trip ya up. The leasher can theoretically thumb a brake button to shorten the line, and head off the leashee's intemperate darts into heavy traffic or other disasters - say, an unfortunate roll in something really smelly and unpleasant - but would have to be damnably quick on the draw* to slow down His Nibs.

So it was only after the blurtage that Thompson managed to yank that leash and tell Larry to STFU and get back onto the media line script. Carefully crafted by someone who's not Larry. A new, improved Larry 2.0 indeed. Two, ummm, too, bad about that legacy code...

* Mental digression: some freakishly-quick gamer with years of practice on X-Box or Playstation controllers might have developed the lightning reflexes needed. But I doubt they'd have the interest.

Cue the evil lighting...

An elliptical voicemail led me late last night to the doorstep of Mister Sloppy's evil world domination HQ in Centretown. After I buzzed the intercom and the reinforced door silently swung open, I let myself into the computer room. There, Mister Sloppy looked ineffably smug.

"Oh, hi, Slop! You called?" I said.

"Indeed. I brought you a gift from my trip."

He pushed a small corrugated carton toward me. One heady sniff and I opened it. Two dozen extremely fresh bars of Cailler Ultrafine Dark. None of that Tobler crap... Mister Sloppy's taste in gifts is legendary.

"Thank you!" I said gratefully. "And how was the vacation?"

"It was... very fine," he said. "Ate great ice cream. Sailed a private yacht on Lake Geneva. Took an excellent Swiss train to visit the Large Hadron Collider..."

"And how did that go?" I asked, an alarm ringing faintly in the back of my mind.

"It's working again, isn't it?" purred Mister Sloppy, fixing me meaningfully with a bright blue eye. "And good thing, too. I'm gonna be needing it."

"Eep! So you're still on the world domination thing?

"Does the mayor think he's finally a real civic leader because he hung out with Prince Chuck and John Baird's hair for a photo-op? I'm all over it!"

"Ummm. Oh. Look at that! It's bedtime for little coyotes. Thanks for the chockies. Gotta go! " I yelled over my shoulder.

"Oh, I know." Mister Sloppy's voice followed me out the door. "But you'll be back... I have more chocolate."

Fiend.

Tinfoil hats: a gut wrenching exposé

As avid, nay, militant exponents and proponents of tinfoil hats, especially in dire emergencies, we Irregulars have just gotten extremely distressing news:

Namely, that a buncha bright engineers from M.I.T. seem to have discovered that tinfoil hats do not protect your brain from zombifying, soul-sucking government and/or alien mind-control radio frequencies, but instead amplify them! (See the terrifying conclusion.)

Wait! This means that all this time when we thought we were laughin', and thought you were too - because you put on your tinfoil hat when we told you to, right? - all of us were actually under the influence of sub rosa mind-control rays, making us beleive things that were untrue. Evilly fostering, for instance, the illusion that our tinfoil hats were protecting us. And under that illusion, we were actually.... oh. Oh. Dear, dear me!

The very insidiousness of it all boggles one's (controlled) mind! Especially if one trusts engineers!

That we're all doomed over here, goes without saying . But hey. If we all just put on our soothing, comfy tinfoil hats, we'll never notice...

Ottawa River Crash: What They're Hiding

In the past couple of days, humorous speculation on this very blog has stumbled uncomfortably close to the truth. Ummm. Confession, here. Somebody's been a very bad dog. Again.

It all started earlier this week, when I realized I had only days to remove a, ummm, surplus military vehicle, acquired more or less on the up-and-up in the 1960s, from the sorta disused garage where I stored it (maybe a little less on the up-and-up) at Rockliffe Air Base. Which sadly, is closing July 31.

I just want to say that back in the 60s, I definitely scooped the cream puff. The low-flying lemons went to the US Air Force and the Smithsonian Institute. In fact, for some reason I strangely can't remember, they thought the thing never flew that well. Heh. It's come in really handy. I mean, how the hell do you think I keep evading Temporary Mayor DT's coyote posse?

It's been parked most of this summer - convertible, y'know, and all this rain. But when I started it up and backed it out that night, headed toward a new rented garage in in the west end, it totally purred. It ran so well, I scooted it up to eight or ten thousand feet and started honking up the Ottawa River in the dark. Much like the local Canada geese.

Up there, I am afraid, my natural semi-mythical exuberance got the better of me. When I remembered the parachute flare in the glove box, it just seemed natural to light it off the cigarette lighter and toss it over the side.

Big mistake.

Sigh. You know most of the rest of it. 911 calls. Constabulary and flashing lights and rescue boats and divers and stuff, all over the place. Then the beefy guys with sunglasses and black suits showed up. You know, the ones with inexplicable military license plates on their black Suburbans, and little radar scanners on top. I rather think the cops were politely asked to lay off for reasons of, ummm, national security.

It's all glossed over now, but I'm pretty sure they haven't stopped looking for me. Forty-five years, and they're still cranky about losing their saucer. Some people never know when to give up. Don't tell, 'kay?

Conspiracy or a Jeff Goldblum Flick?

The Facts:

Friday, July 24th -- 12:19 a.m.
Federal government announces that the Alexandra Bridge over the Ottawa River will be closed to all traffic for supposed repair work between 9 pm and 6 am, starting Sunday evening through to Thursday, July 30th

Friday, July 24th -- 12:33 a.m.
Only 14 minutes after the previous announcement, Public Works adds a second bridge to the list of closures. This time it's the Macdonald-Cartier bridge that will be closed to cyclists and pedestrians heading north starting the morning of Tuesday, July 28th at 9 am.

Friday, July 24th -- Late afternoon
West Ottawa experiences a flood that some describe as a "one-hundred year" event.

Monday, July 27th -- 2:55 pm
Ottawa Police issue a press release requesting the public's assistance in identifying two female suspects involved in a robbery of an Ottawa taxi driver. Both young co-eds were unarmed and were not too uneasy on the eyes from what can be gained by the photos. The driver took them from the Byward Market (only a stones throw from either of the above bridges) and drove them to Baseline and Woodroffe where the robbery took place. The two were last seen traveling east on Baseline road.

Monday, July 27th -- ~ 9 pm.
Local media report that the verdict in Larry O'Brien trial to be delivered one-week sooner than planned.

Monday, July 27th -- 10 p.m.
Britannia residents report some suspicious activity involving lights and loud noises over the Deschenes rapids followed by what appears to be an aircraft crashing into the river. Ottawa Police take the reports seriously and issue its own press release at 3 a.m. in the morning the next day. Story is odd enough that Boing-Boing, the source of everything worth knowing, picks it up.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 11:15 am
Police report a kidnapping and theft of an LCBO tractor trailer near Walkley and Bank St. (best accessed via Baseline Rd. east to Heron and south on Bank St.). The incident happened shortly after midnight. The driver is eventually found almost 200 km. east of Ottawa in Vaudreuil, Quebec.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 4 pm
Police issue a press release claiming that the search of the Ottawa River has turned up nothing despite the observations of witnesses. They halt any further search.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 5:15 pm
Police issue a media release that they have completed a two-day prostitution and "John" sweep in Lowertown (not far from either bridges) and Vanier (east of Ottawa) and have made a few arrests. No names are released.

A salty dog

We regret to report the death of Gidget the Chihuahua of a massive stroke Tuesday, at a pubescent 15 years.

She is best remembered as the dubbed-male-voice spokesdog for a fast food chain that shall remain nameless, because at this blog, we don't espouse free advertising for any commercial ventures but our own.

The gender thing is not unusual. Lassie - through all 163 or so actors - was almost invariably played by a male dog in drag. Or perhaps a (shudder) neuter. Regardless, the quality of the show's human actors was such that I almost always mentally rooted for him/her/it to shove Timmy down the lousy well... and maybe dangle a judicious leg over the hole before buggering off. I digress.

I needn't go into details. Mainstream news is on this like cheese on a burrito. But as long as we're hinting conspiratorially at coincidental links between recently expired celebrities - and hey, these are the dog days of summer news, so what else are we gonna do? - I'll just arch a significant eyebrow and mention that the reasonably alert among you will have noted again very recently that one of the contraindications for those who wish to avoid strokes is sodium chloride. The kind that one might find in massively oversalted tacos, f'rinstance...

I'm just sayin'.

Breaking News - Spotted on Elgin Street

Communist Snowmen and Bears!

Are the MPs Wearing their Tin Foil Hats?

I worry that our MPs and Cabinet Ministers are not wearing their tin foil hats. I was reading a back issue of Hansard's on the bus yesterday when I discovered that some of our opposition members are not wearing them.

As any longtime reader of this blog knows, tin foil hats are necessary to prevent mind control through electro-magnetic rays. (Please keep in mind that while we say "tin foil", aluminum foil is most commonly used, but any electricity conducting metal will do.)

While the copper roofs on the Parliament Buildings should go a long way to preventing a need for foil hats, it is still alarming to thing that our leaders may be vulnerable to mind control.

How do we know that some are not wearing their caps? They as much as say so:

For example, on 26 Sept 2006, Liberal MP Wayne Easter asked about a campaign to undermine the Canadian Wheat Board "using fake letters, manipulating the media, stacked government task forces and circumventing the laws of Canada."

Replying for the government, Chuck Strahl, Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, revealed that Easter was not wearing a protective cap:

Mr. Speaker, I am surprised the member could say that without wearing his tinfoil hat on a grassy knoll.

On 22 Feb 2007, Minister Strahl reports that MP Easter is once again not wearing his cap after a question about ballots:

Mr. Speaker, I think that the hon. member has his tinfoil cap well removed today.

But was the Hon. Chuck Strahl wearing his tinfoil cap? David Anderson, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, confirmed not only that he was, but that he had additional facial coverage:

If members take the time to read the motion, they will see that the minister the other day referred to him through his tinfoil hat.

Almost as bad as not wearing a tinfoil hat is wearing one that does not fit properly. This appeared to be the case on 26 Feb 2008 with some NDP members as pointed out by Peter MacKay after a question from NDP member Libby Davies about a secret agreement with the U.S. Armed Forces:

It sounds to me as if those tinfoil hats are getting a little tight down there.

This problem had spread to the Liberals by 11 March. After a question from Liberal Mark Holland about the possibility of Ministerial involvement in the decision by the OPP to not forward an investigation file on possible conversations between Mayor Larry and John Baird to the RCMP. The Hon. Jason Kenney, Secretary of State for Multiculturalism and Canadian Identity, alerts the Speaker of the House to the danger:

Mr. Speaker, we see the tinfoil hats getting a little tight again over there.

Have you spotted the consistent pattern? Liberals and NDP members either not wearing their foil caps or wearing them improperly. Meanwhile, the Conservative members of the New Government (Can we call them the Old Government yet?) were wearing their tinfoil caps and doing their best to draw attention of the opposition members who were leaving themselves open to mind-control.

Perhaps you are wondering if the Conservatives continue to prudently wear their tinfoil caps during the campaign season. I believe they do, or that at least one local Tory does.

Last week, Avaaz.org released ads attacking the Conservative position on the environment. While Avaaz claimed they had raised funds for these ads in Canada from their 300,000 members, and that they had cleared the ads with Elections Canada, John Baird was not fooled.

He smelled something wrong. Or more specifically, he smelled billionaire mystery man George Soros behind it all and sent out a press release titled: “SHADOWY FOREIGN ORGANIZATION ATTEMPTING TO INFLUENCE CANADIAN ELECTION” This may alarm you, but I urge you to relax because:

1. Baird has made a formal complaint so we can be sure that any nefariosity will be dealt with;
   
2. We can't expect all the billionaires to support the Tories; and
   
3. Baird and the other Tory candidates must be wearing their foil caps or they would have been led astray by the mind control rays.
   

Attention Sorosophobes/philes: We’ve hit the big time, y’all by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 11:48 am

Avaaz.ca vs. Baird: The Shadowy Foreign Organization strikes back! by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

How To:

• Tin Foil Hats - for the discriminating

• Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie

• Instructables: Aluminum foil hat

• How to Make a Tin Foil Hat for Your Dog

ESI Emergency Meeting Minutes

In Attendance: Coyote, Independent Observer, Agatha, Conch Shell,Fourth Dwarf (late, with justification). Guests: Crazy Hat (left early), Painted Stick (arrived shortly before end)

Conch Shell offers to take minutes. 4D and others laugh and mention how she never posted the last time she took the minutes. Coyote says CS will have to offer up assurances. CS offers to pay for a round of alcoholic drinks at the next Emergency Meeting if she doesn't post the minutes. It's agreed.

Agatha asks that the minutes reflect that Coyote brought red marshmallow hearts for the group, expressing love toward us all.

Meeting items begin.

IO presents his [redacted] to 4D for the [redacted]. Others are given a deadline extension of a week.

CS inquires if Z is a [redacted.] 4D explains she's too nice. Coyote mentions she called the cover band by the wrong name when she linked to them, further evidence that she isn't one of them.

Move ahead to the main item: the Appearance and Disappearance of [redacted]. CS wonders about the timing of it all, considering that it existed for months when we didn't know about it, but when we find it (Thanks, Aggie!) and begin to enjoy it, within two weeks it's gone.

Aggie: "Is it a Conspiracy?"

All ESIs insist that none of them did anything this time to ruin it for the others. Coyote points out that [redacted] showed her more readers were seeing it, plus she had friends warning her. This makes sense to us. 4D comments that he liked the message of [redacted] being [redacted].

IO puts on Larry King persona and asks: "What is her frame of mind, in one word?"

CS: "Consistent".

ESIs agree that it was enjoyable while it lasted.

Coyote comments that in his experience every woman calls her ex a narcissist. When ESIs attempt to draw personal examples from Coyote's own past, he refuses to indulge. Coyote adds that his canine nose sniffed out that this was an inappropriate relationship from the start, and he didn't think she should go on dates with [redacted] in the first place. 4D says that we all knew it was going to be a disaster, therefore Coyote doesn't deserve a bone. Aggie says she didn't know it would end so fast. Coyote blathers on generally about the rebound/needing time phenomenon. Everybody ignores him, as is usual when he gets onto this topic.

CS asks about whether [redacted] might become a lesbian now, considering all these disappointments. 4D says a lesbian fling is a possibility because all modern women are bisexual. He then asks CS and Aggie to comment on this. They don't.

4D returns tiresomely to the narcissism discussion and points out that narcissism can be relation-based. For instance, if a man is not that into his partner of the moment, he won't be that focused on her, but on himself -- classic narcissism. Coyote furthers that when a man plays a musical instrument or other entertainment tool for a long time, he should pay attention to when his audience gets bored.

Meeting digression: Clinton/Obama? Ann Coulter, Yuck. Is the U.S. anti-English monarchy or just anti-taxation? No decision taken.

[Redacted]: Sorry or Not?
Coyote says [redacted]. Aggie says [redacted]. 4D says it was a facebook problem, not a blog one.

Ethical Discussion of the Day: [Redacted] . . . can we metablog her? 4D points out that we periodically metablog others like Zoom and Megan. Aggie wonders if she'll get scared and delete her blog? It's pointed out that she's writing a book on her blog subject(!!!!) ESIs agree that it's about balance. Anyway, only the Fifth Muse has inspired us as obsessively, and that's unlikely to change. ESIs agree to test-metablog her through these minutes. All feel her date wasn't very successful, and think it good that Three Date Man was honest with her.

Aggie says online dating is depressing and degrading: suggests instead that all hopefuls go to Venus Envy, get some good electronics, and adopt cats. She insists this is what she'd do, if she were [redacted].

CS interrupts: "Let the minutes reveal that IO is blackberrying"

Some Hon. ESIs: "Bad form!!!" IO asks when that was decided.

Group discusses Rebecca Eckler's blog and the finer points of emotional voyeurism. ESIs then congratulate Zoom over her best blog posting awards. 4D states that the knitting bloggers had a lock on the awards, that it was a conspiracy, and a future blog entry will be dedicated to this.

Aggie wants to discuss the Bank Street Irrelevants. "They're trying hard."
IO: "Why?"

It's declared that they're like a [redacted] cover-band, are having a good time, and some ESIs are happy for them.

This brings the conversation around to music, the nature of compliments and insults, and their relativity. It's revealed that IO is a fan of the [redacted] without having ever heard them. CS thinks one can't be a fan in such a scenario. 4D believes IO can be a true fan, just by understanding the concept. CS comments that this is as hollow as an empty shell. Others ignore CS and comment that IO should look the part of [redacted] when he's their [redacted].

Aggie points out that she deleted [redacted] because it revealed [redacted] about [redacted ].

Next Agenda Item: status of our blog & Google search hits. 4D says it's a good blog and he's happy with the postings lately. He likes the Word Cop part, because [redacted] loves it. Coyote states that our #1 Google search hit is for "high maintenance women". 4D loudly takes credit for the posting, and reveals Google ranking tricks: the posting is titled "high maintenance women" and it links to other sites about "high maintenance women". Coyote states that "Mumumelon" is our second mopst popular Google hit, and yoga booty ballet is a distant third. We used to get more hits for yoga.

With all topics covered, we move to Action Items:

Aggie states the next meeting should involve discussion on how to make ESI the most popular blog ever, so we can make money and retire. 4D mentions that CS needs to write up the minutes.

Resolved: That at some point in the future we will discuss creating the Elgin Street Institute, as another moneymaker.

Meeting Adjourned.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-12-18

Venue: A remote corner of a place that is not the Usual Spot

Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Agatha, Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

1) What to do about [Redacted]
a) Who are they?
4D: Can't be any of us. You're all too bone lazy, I'm not, but (a) I'm too busy with my plowing contracts, (b) I hate wordpress, and (c) I wouldn't have done such an exact matching of aliases.

CS: What about Aggie?
4D: Are you kidding?
Coyote: She doesn't have the HTML skills.

The Stats Team discuss [...... ..... Redacted ...... .......]. Although they have deployed techniques matching those of the Las Vegas CSI team, they have no useful information.

Speculation swirls around various possible candidates:[..... ....... ..... Redacted ..... ....... .... ......], but settles mainly on [... Redacted... ]:

• [... Redacted... ]
• [... Redacted... ]

Coyote suggests domain-squatting [... Redacted... ].com
4D suggests this would be mean and pointless
Coyote says "Yeah. And...?" He then counter-suggests creating a [...Redacted...] blog.
4D: or [ Redacted... ]

b) One person? or more?
Consensus: Too soon to tell,but [... Redacted... ].

c) Do they know that we know?
The Stats Team point out [.... ..... ..... ... Redacted... .... ...... ....].

Coyote: And I [... Redacted... ].
4D: Huh?
Coyote explains [... Redacted... ]:

[... Redacted... ]

d) So what do we do about them?
Consensus: [... Redacted... ]
Chair: I'd like to see some cash in an envelope.

2) Tiana's Prize
Coyote asks what we're going to do about it. 4D reveals that Agatha had entrusted him with the task and abjectly apologizes for not having completed the mission. He is sure that one of his plowing contracts will take him close enough to her neighbourhood to complete the mission before Christmas.

3) Love on the Internet
Conch Shell tells us of the tragic story of the 13-year-old girl who killed herself recently after a neighbour mom impersonating a 16-year-old boy online told her she'd be "better off dead". We discuss various people we know who have fallen in love with people through their emails and then dropped them soon after meeting in person. It is suggested that this would be an excellent topic for CS to blog on.

CS: Yes, I'm going to post very soon. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

4) AndrewZRX
4D asks if we should invite Andrew ZRX to post more. There is a brief discussion that notes:

• the high quality of Andrew's posting and the ZRX motorcycle; and
• the grossness of the placenta picture.

Unanimous: AndrewZRX is welcome to post again.

5) Contests
CS: We should have more contests.
4D: Like what?
CS: I like the Street Names one.
4D: huh?
CS: Renaming streets...
Coyote: or coming up with other blogs with street names, like "the Kent Street Incontinents"
All agree this has possibilities.

The Chair suggests a battle of the group blogs. 4D suggests we create avatars in World of Warcraft and take on all comers. Others seem less enthused.

6) Doomsday Machine
Chair: We should set up a Doomsday Machine. If we don't blog within a certain time period, the blog deletes itself.
CS: That's a great idea.

4D and Coyote look at each other and shake their heads.

Coyote: Right. More pressure to blog.
4D: Why do the two people who never post love this idea while the ones who do post hate it? Oh, of course, if the blog was deleted, there would be no pressure to post at all.

CS: I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

7) Life Coaching
4D explains he will be doing some postings related to life coaching and will be encouraging participation in this project from the other ESIs. Coyote gets that look on his face that means he wants nothing to do with this plan and thinks trouble will ensue.

4D: Don't worry, Coyote, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but you will want to and in fact, you'll be the most active.

8) Florence Appointments
With no discussion, The Elgin Street Irregulars appoint:

• Independent Observer as Director of Italian Affairs; and
• Audrey as ESI Cultural Liaison Officer

9) Conference Call with Aggie
4D briefs Aggie on the highlights of the discussion.
Aggie: Did Coyote get slammed for his rogue activity with the [Redacted]?
4D: Of course not. Only the Fourth Dwarf gets slammed for rogue activity.
Aggie: Right. Everything sounds great. I'm glad to see you're on it.

4D relays this and the others are pleased.

Aggie says something unintelligible. 4D asks her to repeat.

4D: Someone out east is slap happy?

Aggie: No, a blogger from the Far East says the ESIs are getting sloppy.

4D and Aggie have a brief exchange about what a loser this blogger must be. Everyone waves goodbye even though it's a telephone.

4D relates the sloppiness charge. The others express outrage.

4D: You know what? It's true. We have gotten sloppy. Coyote - using 4 words where 3 will do. Chair - sometimes it's days before we have a new movie in the sidebar cam. CS - I don't need to say anything to you, do I?

The others all hang their heads downcast for a moment as they reflect on this.

CS: But still. I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others do the usual thing.] And y'know what? Remember how it used to be when we started two years ago and we'd talk for hours about this stuff and it would bug other people so we'd have to change topics? And now so much has changed? But we're still into it and it still holds our interest.

Business is adjourned so the ESIs can discuss the "affairs" of those who are not present.

Meta Contest Update

So far we have 5 entries in the new Meta Contest:

1. Urban Pedestrian: one of Aggie's home-made muumuus;
2. Woodsy: the t-shirt with "Rock on" spelled out on the front and "Anyhoo" on the back specifically, one of those very tight slinky numbers (size petite);
3. Urban Pedestrian: a new pair of pink go-go boots, size 7 1/2;
4. Harmony: World Peace; specifically first inner disarmament, then outer disarmament; and
5. Apostrophe: a kick in the ass.

One of the contestants has decided to call on various world leaders to influence our decision-making. Perhaps this will sway other contest judges, but not me.

You still have time to enter, and the earlier you enter, the more time you have for your lobbying efforts.

More People Trying to Limit my Dating Life

Bad enough that the Chair set out strict limits on who I get to go out with, there's a bunch of Midwesterners producing propaganda reels.

Click To Play

Wondering about the Anarchists

Have you noticed that the anarchists are recruiting? I've been meaning to go to one of their meetings to see if they plan to do anything about the Irish conspiriacy. I imagine that like any group, the Anarchists have their difficulties, but you can see that back in April they were ready to deal with them face on:

The purpose of this meeting is to discuss the problems with anarchist organizing in Ottawa and attempt to come up with concrete proposals on how to organize better both within and between our groups.

I'd like to see a copy of the flip chart paper from that meeting. My guess is that it looked something like this:

Key Problems

• We're all freaking anarchists
• ...
  

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Those tricky Fenians are on the move. Not content with only naming important Ottawa sites, they've started buying up the city:

Historic church to become Irish centre after sale
Last Updated: Friday, June 29, 2007 11:47 AM ET
CBC News

A historic Ottawa church that parishioners tried to keep open by suing the local Catholic archdiocese has found a buyer.

St. Brigid's Church and Rectory in Ottawa's Lowertown district will be bought by a group of individuals in the local Irish community with their own money, said the group's spokesman Patrick McDonald on Friday.

It will become known as the Irish Canadian Cultural Centre after its deal is complete in September, he said....

The Fenian Naming Machine

"We're here for an impromptu ceilidh," said this fellow in his charming brogue.

It appears our local Irish mafia have got a lock on the name for the Rideau Canal Foot Bridge. The "Corktown Bridge" may not seem poetical to sensitive ears like those of our friend Coyote, but the Irish managed to outflank both the anti-semitic mayor troops and the numerous but poorly-organized Somerset Street denizens at the latest meeting on the topic.

Look at the enormous and frightening mob they can assemble at a moment's notice!

I'd say the only way it won't get called the Corktown Bridge now is if the Senators win the Stanley Cup on a goal scored by their only player with an obviously Irish name: Chris Kelly.

Yes, they use young women in fancy costumes to advance their agenda.

I hope you all realize this is just the thin edge of the wedge. Coyote and I did some discreet reconaissance and our sources tell us the local Irish have plans to put their mark on every new project coming to this City and they even plan to rename a number of existing institutions, for example:

• New Brown's Inlet storm drains: SewerDance!


• New Music Venue on Elgin: The Play Something Irish You Bastards Concert Hall


• Proposed Transit Viaduct: The Kiss Me I'm Irish Tunnel
  


• Municipal Waste Site: If it's Not Celtic it's Carp Landfill


• Ottawa's transit system: O'CTranspo
  


• 80 Elgin Street: The James Patrick Whelan Building

Here you see their Corktown Bridge logo. Commissioned for $5000 from a topknotch graphic designer and rendered to look like it is the product of a grassroots community group.

Things that go click in the night

An acquaintance is grappling with a mystery. Her television frequently turns on by itself in the middle of the night. Prime theories to explain this odd phenomenon:

1) The TV was manufactured on a Monday
2) North Korea's Kim Jong Il is beaming electromagnetic waves at North America to mess with our minds and our home appliances
3) Gnomes
4) People are wandering around on the sidewalk with remote controls, randomly zapping away
5) The TV, unable to start a blog, has found another way of expressing itself

And Robbed Again!

Yes, the conspiracy is still at work. This time we've been locked out of the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards.

How do I know it's the conspiracy?

Occam's razor says you choose the simplest explanation that fits the facts. In this case, it's the only explanation.