All I'm gonna say about that...

... what with a comprehensive comment thread over on XUP's blog, would be to thank Aggie fulsomely for a stunningly appropriate binder clip. You rock, ma'am! As ever.

PuBlog - Heartattack and Frank(s)

Fieldwork at the Elgin Street Diner, by Aggie, Woodsy, 4th Dwarf, and Coyote.

Pluses (Concepts to Steal)

• Big booths with comfy seating!
• A congenial view of Elgin Street, centre of the known universe;
• Beer on tap;
• ALL! KINDS! OF! POUTINE! They even have a dedicated section in the menu.

Minuses (Things to Avoid)

• Not so much space under the booth for illicit doggie types who were smuggled into the diner in backpacks and didn't want big trouble with health inspectors. They got kicked. I don't think anybody did it on purpose. Well, maybe that Dwarf. But he's such a shortass, he couldn't really reach me.
• The view of Elgin Street was kind of lost on those of us hiding under the table. Although the others were kind enough to describe what I was missing, and suggest that it was too bad I couldn't stick my head out to look, because the cat parade was really something;
• The beer on tap was domestic. Not microbrew. Selection, according to the Dwarf, was in the tradition of Canadian major brewers: thin, and kinda undistinguished;
• Poutine may just be the single most lethal food known to humanity Or caninity.

Background:
Longtime ESI readers probably suspect (correctly) that by now we've left enough loose ends strewn in our narrative wake to stock a world-class hair extension factory. PuBlog research is one such thread. It's about touring city eateries, baldfacedly swiping their best ideas, pewpewing their worst, and using the intel thus gained to start our own pub best damn pub in the world.

We recorded our last true PuBlog post even before the Dwarf started cooking up his Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm. You'll notice, if ennui hasn't knocked you out yet, that he's been on it for nearly two years and 30 posts. It still ain't baked. Sadly, neither is the ESI pub. But we persevere. And I dogress.

Summary:
We who orbit Woodsy and Aggie know all too well that, despite deceptively delicate demeanours, either is at any moment fully capable of inducing heart attacks in the unsuspecting, for all sorts of risque reasons. But I have never before witnessed 'em scarfing heart attacks on plates...

Dog-tired and starved after a full, lunchless day of full-bore Hallowe'en costuming, Woodsy dove straight for the four-cheese poutine. Amid heated speculation about which four cheeses, exactly, were involved, Woodsy double-dog-dared Agatha to order the same thing. Aggie, her blood glucose levels not so deficient that she couldn't rouse a mild fit of oppositional defiance, ordered chili poutine instead. The Short Guy, pursuing the best of all possible worlds, had a brace of chili-cheese dogs with fries. Nobody heard me ask for catburger from under the table, but all three slipped me fries off their plates to make up for it. Well, okay, the Dwarf tried to pelt me with his. But I am talented. I caught 'em and ate 'em. Thank you, Short Guy!

Conclusion:
Puh-lease. Exhaustion? Mega calories? Empty stomachs? Instant snooze-out. Everybody sloped off for post-prandial naps. At 6:30 on a Saturday night. Jeez, we're dull! Aggie said something about feeling really full and a little ill. But she still gave me a ride home. And let me stick my head out the car window and hang my tongue in the wind on the way. She indulges me. And maybe over-indulged herself...

Nod to Bob

Bob, from tap my glass and nod my chin, who is one of Aggie's crushes, has started a series photographing nasty loos. This series appeals to me, and Aggie claims that she is loving this nasty loo series so far.

Friday night, I stepped into the washroom stall at a local Indian restaurant, and I was surprised to see an old dented pewter kettle at the foot of the toilet. I crossed my legs for a minute more, and in Bob's honour I took a picture.

Was I supposed to use the kettle water to rinse my delicate parts?

ESI - Smarter Than Fifth Graders

Aggie's Pirate Chest Nestled Next to Her Favourite Port

Aggie, Fourth Dwarf, and I met at Pandora's house in the sky to play LOOT - The Plundering Pirate Card Game, and drink some of Aggie's economical winter drink.

"The game is for ages ten and up," I comment innocently.

"Oh, that means it's going to be hard," worries Aggie sweetly.

"A ten year old is a fifth grader," adds Fourth Dwarf.

"That's when kids are at their smartest," Pandora elaborates.

"That right, Pandora," concludes Fourth Dwarf, "and that's why so many people aren't smarter then a fifth grader."

Fifths

As Aggie often reminds us, there is no fifth thing.

I think that it is charming that she sees, hears, and speaks no fifth.

But, for those who find this idiosyncrasy confusing, here are a few fifths for you to ponder:

• a fifth wheel

• a fifth of therapy
  

• a fifth of Beethoven

• a fifth of Ayabar

• a fifth reason to stop smoking

• a fifth less
  

• a fifth (see #5)

Aggie's Post

It's my turn to blog. As some of you know, my new schema is to spend more time living offline. So far I've discovered that life offline isn't any better. Stay tuned, though. I'll be giving occasional updates on this.

Exercise for Aggie

I am lazy. I need to exercise, but can't seem to make the move or commit to anything. Sounds an awful lot like my love life. Anyway, I found this wonderful guide, which gives lots of good examples of things I can do in my daily life that can gently integrate physical fitness into my life. For example, I should be marching on the spot while brushing my teeth; I should be squeezing my buttocks as I'm doing my errands; I should be trying to sit up very very straight while watching TV. All these things are designed to raise my awareness about the need for physical activity.
But, I need a concrete plan, and I'm asking for your help. There are a number of things I hate in an exercise plan, so let's just get those out of the way:
1) I hate exercise plans that require expensive gear.
2) I hate exercise that requires a personal trainer.
3) I hate stinky gyms.
4) I hate exercise that requires me to go out in the cold when I'm half awake without coffee.
5) I hate pools.
6) I hate any sport that requires hand/eye coordination.
I want a plan that will get me into top shape with minimal effort. I want it to be pleasant, achievable, refreshing and economical. Getting a dog is the obvious answer, but, again, I'm not ready for this kind of commitment.

The Seven Things Chain Letter

Megan, whom we normally like, fucking tagged us. So we're supposed to do a posting with seven random facts about us.

1. The Elgin Street Irregulars are six actual human beings and not one disturbed individual pretending to be different people.
2. Coyote has been reminded by 4D at least once that he is an actual human being and not a literal coyote.
3. Agatha once decided to write postings profiling each of the ESIs but only wrote one for the Chair.
4. The other ESIs have all acted like they are okay with this, but we probably all wonder why she didn't write that one profile about us instead.
5. There is no fifth random fact about the ESIs.
6. The "no fifth" running gag began when some of the ESIs decided to start using "fifth" and "muse" in their postings so that the Fifth Muse might find us if she did a vanity google.
7. The Fourth Dwarf likes to think he would be Doc, but is far more often compared to Grumpy.

Now, we get to tag others. Any nominations?

Aggie's perfect storm

Zoom needs a little time to pull her extra-special prize guest bloggage together, but watch this space. It's coming soon, and it's gonna be brilliant! In the meantime, to cover, I'll do what ESIs do best. No, not that. I mean metablogging.

It has become overwhelmingly needful to metablog our own Essex girl.

Evidence suggests Aggie has found that the road to new-age enlightenment is no easy thing, strewn as it is with a perfect storm of pitfalls. And bad hair days. Not to mention bent-to-broken metaphors. Poor thing is now so confused, she's laying off drinking and trying to reinvent herself as a common craft blogger...

What are the ethics, here? Aggie is one of us. I mean, I love her, and she is, like Mary Poppins, Practically Perfect in Every Way. Uh, but she remains in place as our next-best Muse. Better yet, she's not here to defend herself... and we need material. No honour among metabloggers. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, I was at Bank & Slater yesterday, nose to the ground, sniffin' opportunity, when I chanced to look up. And was struck with awe. I mean, the signage at this one corner has Aggie's enlightenment covered: martini lounge named for her favorite yoga position, strong coffee options, a hair salon to repair the unfortunate mullet experiment, and a relaxing day spa. The salon's name? Perfection. Nothing better than that.

And what about that constant, soothing flow of large American cars, huh?

Truly, when one seeks satori, the devil is in the distractions. Crafting? Aggie, we barely recognize you! Just ignore the proven fact that when anyone in a dysfunctional group tries to change for the better, other members will pressure her to return to old, familiar patterns, so they can avoid confronting their own dysfunctions. Instead, think about this, Ags: Lotus Martini Lounge!

ADD at the GGGS

Scenes from the Great Glebe Garage Sale...

8:30 a.m: Dame Aggie, on a mission to buy fresh dark roast, finds Coyote confused and wandering in traffic. She takes him in hand, warning him firmly that after the Research Director's experiences a few weeks back, he's not even going to get to sniff the grounds. And if he tries to actually drink any, he will be summarily whacked on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

8:50: 4th Dwarf arrives, grumpy that coffee is not yet served. Coffee is served. Coyote pouts.

9:05: The coffee hits. Aggie, suddenly aware that there's a garage sale going on, starts hauling stuff out of her house. Much of it is pretty nice, because she's compacting her possessions before she moves out. A dishevelled, sleepy waiter is among the items ejected. Coyote & the Dwarf witness this latter event with some interest.

9:10: Aggie staggers out of the house laden under a gigantic pressure cooker, saying, "I used it a couple of times, but I never really wrapped my head around the idea of a bomb on top of my stove. How much should I charge for it?"

9:10:30: Gleams of covetousness, lust and avarice alight in several eyes at once, because you just never know when you're going to need a good pressure cooker. The Dwarf & Coyote simultaneously attempt to glom it. One inconclusive tug-o-war later, they agree to flip a coin for possession. Then the sleepy waiter, rousing, offers to buy it, too. Lacking three-sided coins, the trio begin a spirited bidding war. Nobody remarks on the fact that the Dwarf, somehow, is both auctioneer and bidder.

9:15: The Dwarf, caught up in a fast-talking frenzy, accidentally sells the pressure cooker to Coyote.

9:20: Consumer hordes descend upon Aggie's driveway and run amok amid her stuff. Nobody remarks on the fact that, brown-paper-and-string-wrapped purchase in paw, Coyote has wandered off in search of Aggie's sizable cat...

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 20 March 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Conch Shell, Fourth Dwarf, The Independent Observer, Coyote (guest: Painted Stick) Late with no excuse: Eigga
Absent with no excuse: The Chair
Emergency: The Usual
Called by and Minutes by: 4D

1. Agatha's new direction

4D: Introduces the topic, asks how people feel about Eigga's new direction.

Eigga: It's "Aye-ga", not "Eee-ga".

Coyote: Suggests that this pronunciation should be comfortable for the dwarf given his nautical leanings.

CS, PS, IO: Huh? What are you talking about?

Eigga: Explains to those who cannot be troubled to keep up to date on important goings-on about her name change and the journey she is on.

CS: So you're giving away all your stuff? or selling it?

4D looks eagerly for the answer.

Eigga: I'll be putting it in storage.

4D: You aren't really giving up your material possessions if they're in a storage locker.

Coyote: Sorry, dwarf, you're not getting her art.

[The remainder of the discussion revolves around what arrangements can be made for Eigga's feline companion. CS insists he has lost weight, all others insist that this is not the case, and that in fact what has happened is that Conchie's feline companion has become morbidly obese.]

2. Weight Pulling

4D introduces the topic. CS and IO look sheepish.

Coyote: I've been reluctant to post because no-one else has been posting.

4D: That is lame.

Coyote: Well, I was the last one to post.

4D: Oh, all right.

Eigga: I got my own thing going on.

Others: Oh, right, your solo project. [Various supportive comments are made about Eigga's blog.]

4D: What if we were each assigned a day of the week to put up a posting. There's five of us, seven days. (actually, there are 6 ESIs) If it's not your day and you want to post something, that's fine. If it is your day and you don't post, well so be it, but we know who to point the finger at.

Coyote and IO nod.

Conch Shell: I like that idea.

Eigga: I don't know...

4D: So, the people who hardly ever blog are in favour, but the one person here who puts up a posting nearly every day isn't sure?

Eigga: But that's different. [Various supportive comments are made about Eigga's blog.]

While a rambling discussion takes place in which various members demonstrate their placement on the Attention Deficit spectrum, 4D canvases the group about which days they would want if we tried this system. In between discussing an ESI university and Conchie's upcoming voyages, the following assignments are made or requested.

Saturday - ???
Sunday - Fourth Dwarf
Monday - Eigga
Tuesday - Coyote
Wednesday - Independent Observer
Thursday - Conch Shell
Friday - the Chair

4D: This works nicely, I like that the Chair has "the hammer" so he can bring it all home at the end of the work-week. [4D explains the curling reference and a general discussion takes place of what it would be like if curling metaphors replaced football metaphors in politics. Example: so-and-so was dropped from the cabinet because he just couldn't get his rocks in the house.]

3. Harmony disses the Usual Spot

4D: Asks if the group should take an official position on Harmony suggesting the Usual Spot has gone downhill. [4D does not even bother to note that it was a groundless accusation, completely without foundation.]

Coyote: I don't think her blog has much street cred.

4D notes the remark, others express surprise that Coyote would be so blunt, Coyote dissembles that he really meant that he suspected her readership is low. A consensus arises to let it go.

4. Other Business

CS: Juniper has moved, its location is up for rent. Right next to the new GCTC location. We could take over the lease. We just need somebody to man it.

ESIs look around the table to see if anyone feels like "manning" a restaurant. Nobody volunteers.

Eigga: I like the idea of an ESI university.

CS: There has to be some way we can make money with blogging.

4D suggests putting ads on the blog. IO suggests he would find this distasteful. Eigga suggests that the topic would require a whole other meeting.

CS: I just went to the dentist for the first time in six years. No cavities and no tartar.

4D expresses his surprise as he flosses every day and sees his dentist every six months yet still has tartar.

CS: Do you use an electric toothbrush?

4D admits he does not. Coyote and others extoll the glories of electric toothbrushes. CS then describes a procedure her dentist suggested for replacing grey tooth enamel that creeped out the entire group.

Eigga: I like the idea of an ESI university.

The others finally agree that it is a brilliant idea.

Coyote: If you were involved with this school wouldn't that cause an ethical problem with your current employer?

Eigga: Ethics, shmethics.

IO: We should all teach something unrelated to our skills.

CS: So you wouldn't teach astronomy?

IO: Right. I could maybe teach terrorist skills.

IO withdraws this suggestion after others suggest it would be a bad idea to put a "terrorist skills" class in the course calendar.

4D suggests he'd like to see computer games where players learn so much while playing them that they could receive academic credit.

Coyote: Should we be accredited or non-accredited?

There is general consensus that being accredited would be too much trouble.

4D: Should we be something other than a "university"? Like maybe an "academy".

The others agree that it would be better to be an academy, institute or something else, with institute having the strongest support. No decision is reached on whether it should be IESI or ESII.

Not long after, the ESIs part, noting an intelligently-cute couple playing travel scrabble in the corner.

Meta question

I was partaking of tea and crumpies with Aggie the other day -- she's good about pouring my tea into a saucer, at least tolerates the unavoidably rude slurping noises, and us coyotes always enjoy a nice bit of crumpet... O hell! I'm already digressing again, ain't I?

Anyway, I meant to say she let drop how disappointed she was, that all of her efforts on Elgin Street Muse hadn't earned her the coveted metablog scrutiny yet.

Whether she'd actually like it if she got it is a question for another day. She has a point. She's bustin' her butt over there. We're metabloggers, dammit! Just lately this has manifested as Aggie riffin' on 4th Dwarf riffin' on my gig. Now, I happen to believe the world needs more poets, and I fully support these worthy efforts. They're both brilliant. More, please!

But might this trend not also suggest a peril of swallowing our own metamythological tail until we disappear entirely? I admit to a certain ongoing existential worry in this regard.

Do we need to consider returning to our former Musely format, to metablog Aggie? We've done some of our best stuff on Muses... But what to label it? MetablAgging? MetabAggie? iMetaDame?

Wha...? 'Scuse me a sec, phone's ringing...

"Hello? Who? What? Mmmhmmm, mmmhmmm, mmmhmmm. I see... Well, your mom wears 'em too, I bet!"

Ahem. That was Steve Jobs' hideously-expensive team of Apple Inc™ lawyers calling from Cupertino. Er, scratch that last naming option. Seems it would suck us inexorably into an ruinous legal debacle that we would be sure to lose, one way or another. Damn, those guys are fast!