$250K to transform 3 ? The RCMP needs us!

Y'know, this front page item totally arrested me (heh...) as I pawed thru this morning's Petfinder: the RCMP is set to pay $220,000 to send three deputy minister-level guys to counselling in Arizona, in hopes of transforming their organization, particularly its sliding public image. Factoring in travel, taxes, meals and booze, they'll likely sock out $80K to $85K to ship each warm body out for, ummm, transformational counselling. Which will then, of course, drip through the RCMP org chart like wholesome milk through a bowl of Grape Nuts...

I have no quibble with transformational counselling. What with tasers sizzling amok; questionable training; organizational arrogance and rot; PR stonewalling and BS*; and all-round not-getting-it-ness, the Mounties lately have been driving their spiffy squad cars in the PR ditch more often than not. They need to change.

What gripes me is the fact that we're outsourcing this lucrative gravy train ummm, serious and delicate matter, to US counsellors...

I mean, just yesterday, Aggie was saying that our long-term plans to (somehow) make tunza bux off this blog and never work again, were in serious peril. This story is karma!

I'd like to note that we ESIs are long-time experts in both personal and systemic transformation. For $85K a pop, I'm pretty sure we can offer the RCMP a competitive service. And it shouldn't stop at three guys. Oh, no. In fact, we recommend our comprehensive counselling package for all 25,000-odd sworn and unsworn members of the force.

According to my calculator, this rings up at a touch over $2 billion. Give or take a few bucks. Almost enough, I think, to keep us in the style to which we would love to become accustomed...

We have one condition: our fees are non-refundable. Because, while we, as professional counsellers, would do our utmost to create conditions for transformative change, it's up to the Mounties themselves to (heh, again....) cop to the responsibility. They've got to really want to change...

* Blue Serge...

Tracking the mint's missing gold

I happened by Mister Sloppy's place yesterday - okay, he happens to have air conditioning - and by way of breaking his grumpy Evil-Genius silence, mentioned the Mint's vanishing gold problem, and how the local Petfinder was just yesterday obsessing again about the strange silence of government, mint and red coated gendarme types.

Mister Sloppy snickered. My usually cast-iron coyote tummy clenched. That laugh is never good.

"Slop," I said, fearing the worst. "In your obsessive quest for world domination, you haven't sucked 15 million bucks' worth of gold into an improbability vortex? Or something?"

"I didn't need to," he cackled.

"Huh?" I can be a dimwitted doggy. Especially when it helps me enjoy nice cold air conditioning a bit longer.

"You know how the Tories - having such terrific heads for business - are all hot on selling off prime government assets at fire sale prices? To allegedly balance the government's books, even though it always loses major money?

"I was rummaging around a government network one night a coupla years back and sniffed out the fact that their brain trust had decided to flog the mint's extra gold inventory in secret. To - get this - one of those "We buy all of your used gold - no amount too large or too small" joints that advertise on late night cable channels. I hacked myself into a few emails as a discussion option, and incorporated myself as a cheap gold buyer the next day. Bought a few ads in throw-away tabloids and on cable to look legit. Hung out. Waited. The government showed up in no time!"

"Aaand?" I breathed.

"I drew up a contract they couldn't make head or tails of. Not that they ever make head or tails of anything," he snorted. "When the dust cleared, I had signatures on an airtight document assigning me fifteen million bucks in gold ingots and assorted refining scrap, purchased for the princely sum of thirty-seven dollars and fifty-two cents. Which, by the way, is actually about what most old gold places would have paid 'em. A buncha the backroom guys from the PMO are now so redfaced, all they wanna do is drop the whole story down a mine in Sudbury."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta pack." Mister Sloppy looked dreamy. "Maybe Switzerland. The ice cream in Zurich is fabulous this time of year."

"So you're taking a well-deserved break from planning world domination?" I said, hopefully. I've had enough Pepto-Bismol moments lately already, with Mayor Larry back.

Mister Sloppy cast an austere blue eye at me. "Of course not! The Large Hadron Collider is there, too..."

Coping with The Economic Downturn, Part 3

Another instalment from Audrey's timely survey

What You Shouldn’t Scrimp On

When I was in fourth-year university and had no money, I spent my emergency cash on perfume. My parents were shocked but I insisted that I was in an emergency situation - without perfume, I was feeling like a boy! All of us have things that we spend money on that seem like extravagances, but which are important to us. Don’t deny yourself these little luxuries. Sometimes the smart choice is to make that purchase, even in an economic downturn, because of the sheer pleasure that that purchase can bring to us.

We undeniably live in a society where our image is very important. Like it or not, we are judged on our appearance. Even in a downturn we should be careful to update our work wardrobe and to get regular haircuts. Go to clothing swaps. Ask friends where to buy bargains. One of my friends suggested that I buy tops at RW & Co. (in the Rideau Centre) and I was so happy with the selection that I bought three of them for work.

Give more modest gifts but don’t stop giving gifts. This year for Christmas, my boyfriend and I baked quiches and shortbread cookies for family members. It was fun to get the phone calls long after Christmas to hear that a salmon quiche had been the main dish at a luncheon or dinner.

We always must remember those less fortunate than ourselves. One friend told me that, at restaurants and bars, we can try to “tip a little more generously because the servers probably need the money” during these difficult times.

Everyone needs a vacation. We all need time to recharge. Don’t deny yourself a vacation but do search the web for good deals. I like the “flight deals” for passage out of Montreal on Air Transat's website.

We workers in Ottawa are very fortunate compared with those in other Canadian communities. Public Service jobs and the high-tech sector bring great stability to the local economy. However, even those of us who manage to keep our jobs and income intact should be vigilant about our finances. One recommendation for all workers is that they review their bank accounts, insurance policies and pension plans. There are many steps that can be taken today to improve one’s income in the future, including taking advantage of opportunities to buy back past Public Service time and consolidating debts.

Do readers have any tips for reducing expenditures that they wish to share?

Image: Audrey and her boyfriend's home baking creation, a humungously delicious apple pie

Part IV: Audrey’s 20 Tips for Reducing Expenditures

Coping with The Economic Downturn, Part 2

More from Audrey's groundbreaking survey...

Opinions of Those Who Have Not Changed Their Spending

Not all of my friends have changed their spending as a result of the economic downturn. Several wrote to tell me that the downturn has, thus far, had little or no effect on their purchases.

One friend said, “Actually, I’ve changed little my spending habits since the downturn was evident (for supporting documentation, please see my financial statements...which seen in order look remarkably like the drop of a rollercoaster at Wonderland). Most days I bring food for breakfast and/or lunch, which has been a staple for me for years. I regularly walk to/from work, and to destinations within a few miles of home. And my entertainment dollars are being spent as frugally as ever. I admittedly splurge on food and drink (splurge being a relative term - I don't cheat myself on items I know my friends will enjoy). The only real change I see is a result of reading media stories about how to find savings in daily purchases. If I see something that I'd like to try, then I'll adjust my approach that way. Otherwise, I try not to run up unnecessary or frivolous debt. Basically, I've had no real reason to have to change my spending habits.”

Another friend told me that he has kept his expenses pared to the bone for many years. He gave some useful insight into ways to live within one’s means, writing: “Personal economic change can be a surprisingly long process. For the first two or three years, every time you think you've cut expenses so far that you can't possibly take out any more - wait a couple of months to allow your perceptions to adapt, then recheck your budget for fat. Each time, strangely, you'll always find more to cut, while still leaving "enough". It's like peeling an onion - most of us have many, many layers of "luxury-we've-habitually-come-to-regard-as-necessity" that we can safely - and sometimes advantageously - remove before we reach the essential core of things.”

Image: Squawkfox.com Where frugal living is sexy, delicious and fun

Part III will look at what you shouldn't scrimp on.

Coping with the Economic Downturn

Audrey’s Survey Says…

When I was a little girl, my family predicted that I’d be a banker when I grew up, since I loved money. Monopoly was my favourite board game! I couldn’t wait to grow up, so that I’d have more control over my future.

Now that I’m an adult, while I’m not a banker, I continue to be interested in financial issues, especially issues related to personal financial planning. I’m risk-averse and a worrier, resulting in much careful planning over the years in order to spend my income wisely. (Yes, people laughed at me when I lived in a small apartment, but my low rent allowed me to purchase my first home when I was in my early 30s.)

However, as is the case for many of you, the economic downturn has affected my personal finances. I thought it might be useful to survey my friends for their strategies for coping with the economic downturn and to present the results to readers of this blog. I am pleased to be able to provide you with the results of my survey – and useful tips for weathering the recession – in five instalments.

Part I looks at the changes made by those who, like me, have altered their consumption patterns as a result of the economic downturn.

Strategies of Those Who Have Changed Their Spending Habits

Most of my friends have changed their spending as a result of the economic downturn, and not because they are saving for a special purpose, such as a vacation, a car, or a house. We are all in the position where a job loss would be catastrophic – often in circumstances where a return to school or a move to another city would be difficult due to family commitments. In addition, many are homeowners and most of us have mortgages and other financial obligations.

Many of those friends who have altered their spending have reduced expenditures on lunches out. We all work in downtown Ottawa, so the lunchtime meal choices are many and varied. In the past (in 2008!), we would have eaten lunch in one of the food courts (L’Esplanade Laurier, 240 Sparks, the Sun Life Financial Centre, the World Exchange Building), bought a sausage or fries from one of the merchants at the corner of Bank and Laurier, lined up for an inexpensive ham and cheese sandwich at the German Town deli on Slater Street, or treated ourselves to the occasional lunch buffet at Moni Mahal.

In the new economic climate we have all decided to spend a few minutes each morning or evening packaging leftovers or preparing a sandwich to take to work. The savings can be important. For example, I now spend $2 per day (I’m still buying tea twice per day but that is a little luxury) whereas I used to spend $7 per day. Even taking into account the added expenditure on sandwich ingredients, my savings are about $100 per month.

One of my friends told me that he has cut down on meals at restaurants, especially on weekends, in favour of more home cooking. He said that he is avoiding pubs unless there is a special occasion. Like him, I find that my boyfriend and I are sharing cooking duties more often, and we rarely eat dinner at a restaurant. We still meet friends for dinner at pubs, but typically choose the salad or the burger rather than the dinner special. The Standard on Elgin Street has a great deal on Sundays – $13 for a burger and a pint of beer.

The survey revealed that my friends’ coffee and alcoholic beverage habits have changed, too. One friend told me that he is drinking the cheap coffee at work but drinking the more expensive beer when out to the pub. “I am drinking the expensive imported beer when I do treat myself. I am savouring it like a good glass of wine, and not overindulging. That's my little protest against the recession.”

We have all reduced our discretionary purchases of clothing and shoes. One friend said that, before making a purchase, she asks “Do I need it?” instead of thinking “It’s on sale and I want it.” Another friend told me, “I'm not buying as many new clothes as I might have, otherwise. Even though I feel a little less stylish than my coworkers, I can't justify it now.”

My friends and I are all news junkies, yet many of us have changed our purchasing habits with respect to newspapers and magazines. In my case, while I still purchase newspapers, on Saturdays I sometimes buy only The Ottawa Citizen, or only The Globe and Mail, instead of both newspapers. One friend said that she looks for free newspapers, and finds Metro has useful information.

With rapidly rising house values, many of us indulged ourselves in the past few years by making our nests more comfortable. One friend writes: “I used to think about doing minor renovation and decoration to my house. I'd look at design options in magazines, and think that my kitchen would look good with a nice dark hardwood floor, and that my bathroom could really use a change of lighting. Now, I don't consider those things at all. I know that I won't be making these cosmetic changes because I feel my money is better kept in my bank account, just in case I end up without a job. So there's no point in browsing through options.”

Some smaller changes that some of us identified are related to lotteries, transportation and movie-going. One friend said that he participates in the office lottery pool “not just to be social but with actual fantasies of winning.” Some of us have been avoiding using our cars and are using public transit (yes, difficult to do during the bus strike) or walking more. Of course walking is good for our health, so that is an added bonus. In addition, some of us are going to the movies only on Tuesday nights, when some cinemas have reduced prices. For example, the Cineplex Gloucester SilverCity has reduced prices on Tuesdays.

Image: Ponte Vecchio, Firenze

Part II will examine the opinions of those who have not made changes to their spending in this new economic climate.

New at the Meta-Wear Store: Tea-Shirts

You could be wearing this or another of our fine tea-shirts. Just stop by the Meta-Wear Store.

The mad-for-tea-shirt was inspired by Jo Stockton and a young friend of hers. Commissions from sales of this shirt will be donated to an Ottawa United Way Children's Charity.

Breaking News - Fraud Alert update!

Woodsy, I resent the suggestion I would deal in funny money. In fact, I offer a reward of $1,000 (held in trust, above) to anyone who proves otherwise!

Breaking News - Fraud Alert!

If the Independent Observer owes you money, beware of what he hands you!

Our New Store - Elgin Street Meta Wear

Be cool with an ELgiN StreEt MetA WeAR TanK TOp

Scammed and looking for advice...

I was scammed last spring by an Ottawa U professor who reminded me of Mr. Bean. Here is the sequence of events:

1) I met Mr. Bean at a conference in a European country. Mr. Bean confesses that he has no cash, and can't even buy himself a cup of coffee because he can't get the bank people to understand him and for some reason he can't get a cash advance on his credit card.
2) Aggie, realizing that he is from Ottawa, the city in which she lives, hands over 50 Euros to Mr. Bean, along with her business card, saying, "Here. Borrow this. I know where you work."
3) Mr. Bean is grateful, and says how embarassing it is, but takes the money.
4) Aggie does not hear from Mr. Bean.
5) Aggie decides to email Mr. Bean in late August, reminding him that she is there.
6) He responds with photos of the conference, good wishes to Aggie, and says he is heading off to Paris for another conference.
7) Aggie responds with, "Have fun in Paris. Don't forget to bring your Euros this time!"
8) Mr. Bean doesn't respond.
9) Aggie's work colleague who also met Mr. Bean at the conference runs into him by chance on the Ottawa U. campus and says, "Hi. Remember me. Aggie's friend. Remember Aggie, the one who so generously bailed you out." He mutters, "Oh, yes." then rushes off.
10) Aggie's colleague recounts this chance meeting to Aggie. Aggie is now pissed off at this scamming bastard and sends another email, this time saying. "Ok, Mr. Bean. Write me the check for $80 and send it to this address"...
11) Mr. Bean responds curtly with a "Yes". No thank you. No Sorry. Nothing.
12) That exchange was a week and a half ago. No cheque has arrived.

So, blog readers. I am asking for your advice here. What are the next steps? What should Aggie do?

Breaking News: Marketing Opportunity at Fashion Week

I learned from Ottawa Street Style that the Ottawa Fashion Week, Nov 12-15, [Not to be confused with Capital Fashion Week, Nov 21-22] is offering sponsorship opportunities.

For $400, a sponsor would get:

• 2 VIP week passes;
  
• a verbal thank you at the Official Opening Press Conference;
• Their banner displayed in the CIMA lounge;
  
• Their logo on www.ottawafashionweek.ca with a link to their company website; and
• Their logo on all Ottawa Fashion Week promotional materials!
  

Question: How can we put together the $400?

Porn and Sex and Blog Popularity in Ottawa

Tonight I was with some friends and we discussed the pornographic nature of some television shows. For instance, it was argued that werewolf porn is really just a kink for the fluffies, who are apparently some kind of cuddly fetish group -- and possibly sometimes inclined to disguise as werewolves. This naturally brought us to further discussions about the secrets of getting an Ottawa readership for one's blog. This then brought us to talk about the ESI blog and its appreciated but rather stagnant readership. To grow, it was thought that we ESIs needed to be personal. However, our readers will know that this is something the ESI community completely avoids (so, therefore, beyond our ability). Realizing this, the next suggestion was that we needed to be sexual, especially in an Ottawa context. That was the word for the evening.

Well, the discussion came around to the the core issue: How to get readership when you are a group of people without a single voice for readers to follow, not into revealing personal details, not independently famous, and not interested in working too hard to achieve it? Really, to me, given that we can't discuss our personal lives with any real gore, it's clear that discussing or engaging in public sex is beyond us. So, anyone have some suggestions about how to increase readership other than producing pornography or becoming personal?

A blatant ploy to scam in all the kittyblog fans

As creators of chaos, fog, FUD and general mayhem, we are unsurpassed. As generators of capital, not so much. ESI: The Sock Puppet Movie is still 'in development'. Our Mumumelon venture, after a promising start, may not have performed up to expectations in the last quarter. Obviously, if this opus is gonna be our retirement fund, we need to start stepping up our hit counts.

So. People go gaga over the Cats of Parliament Hill. I personally cannot help but note (in an entirely academic way, of course) that when Zoom posts pix of Duncan Donut the Glorious Dogcat (Dogcat?! Sacrilege!) her comment threads go way, way up.

It's worth a try. Ahem. Let me introduce you to Bucky B. Katt. No, not that famous Bucky - not yet - but our very own bundle of kittyblog joy. Behold his awesome cuteness. Feel yourself being sucked deep into his blue, blue eyes. Giggle at his cute li'l pink tongue. Come back to this page again and again, to ooh and aah over his cuddlicious photo. (Ignore the fact that he is, like his namesake, pretty much an irredeemable jerk to all that he encounters.)

Mmmmm, Jerk. Although I see him more likely to be served with zesty lemongrass, coconut milk, green chilis and fermented fish sauce. Oh, nertz. I'm not very good at this kittyblog thing yet, am I? And if I ate him, I'd only be hungry all over again in another hour, right? It's a problem with all those Asian menu items...

Introducing Mumumelon

Okay, the business pages these past months have been full of stories about Canadian sportswear manufacturer/marketing powerhouse/success story Lululemon™: Lululemon™ founder sells out for a gazillion bux! Lululemon™ goes public with a monster IPO! And just yesterday: LuluLemon™ snags a former Starbux™ CFO for its board! Omigawd!

Lululemon™ purveys yoga wear featuring built-in "butt bras". These are purported to make any woman's ass look great. No, great!

Quibbles re: jawdropping prices, and non-yogis wearing the ultra-casual gear in inappropriate business & formal situations are summarily thrust aside by acolytes worshipping at the lululemon™ altar, because their asses look great. No, great!

There are, of course, flies in the lemonade. There always are. The trademark completely-synthetic nylon-spandex pants themselves are said to be prone to pilling faster than cheap 70s leisure suits. Hey, they're synthetic. The fashion police are starting to realize that fashion-impaired teens are stuffing themselves into low-rise lululemons™ five sizes too small, for that winsome plumbers' butt look. And (gasp!) obese people are buying and wearing lululemon™ stuff hoping the pants will whittle 10-odd cheeseburgers from their thighs. These poseurs are driving the brand's cachet downmarket. Unlike, say, all the poseurs I see every day, running around downtown, dressed in lululemons™ and carrying yoga mats™, but for some reason never actually attending any actual yoga™ classes.

But anytime life hands you a sackful of bagged-out, overstretched lululemons™, hey, it's a chance to make us some lemonade. I'm pretty sure no less an authority than Ann Landers herself said it.

So here's the scam: Aggie is becoming a crafter. Who sews quilts. Who is buying a sewing machine. Who can teach the ESIs to sew in conditions that, when we get up to speed, will echo East Asian sweatshops. All perfect for crafting stylish mu'umu'us. Ya heard it here first: Mumumelon™!!!!: exercise wear for all the people who shouldn't wear lululemon™. Given North American obesity rates, I'm pretty sure our target market ain't trivial. We are so going to make a killin'....

Muumuu Cam

Metablogging for Mega Money

At a recent Emergency Meeting, Conch Shell asked, "How can we make money from this?"

It doesn't look like anyone is about to hire us to metablog them, and the Ethics Committee has some sort of issue with us charging people to not metablog them. Meanwhile, ESI: The Sock Puppet Movie is languishing in development.

That leaves Google Ads. They do an amazing job of picking ads that will match your content. Attached is a screenshot I found while perusing one of the dating sites.