Let the real games begin...

If you just immigrated from a cannibal galaxy to pose as an earthling, I'll give you a big hand and tell you that today marks the beginning of The Games That Must Not Be Named.©®™*

Only yesterday I was telling the Independent Observer how torn I felt. I can, and do, admire the single-minded focus and dedication of athletes that train for years to compete. And their overarching efforts in the sporting events themselves.

But the arguably corrupt organization of entitled minor ex-aristocrats behind them, and the overburden of corporate sponsors jostling to noodge as much reflected glory as possible away from these athletes? Not so much.

And the blank-eyed Prime Minister with the Fiberglas©®™ hair who plans a big post-prorogue poll bounce in the happily-ever-after of Canadian athletes (completely unconnected with himself) winning a buncha bent gold gongs, not at all.

So it is with a song on my lips and a smile in my heart that I open the ESI Olympic Non-Specific Scandal watch. Things are interesting already. We have the usual 30-odd garden-variety doping bans (not us, so far, eh?) meted out before that big flame even fired up. Performance-enhancing drugs are so 90s. Everybody does 'em. Can we just ignore that aspect and move on? Please? They're an inconvenient distraction. Not at all what we meant by Citius, Altius, Fortius. At least not originally...

But just out of the starting gate, we also have a wild Canadian accusation that the German luge team is using magnets in its sleds. Somehow.

Rapidly followed by official denials all 'round, from the Germans and the sport's international sanctioning body.

As a semimythical coyote of wily but small brain, I'm totally unclear on any, ummm, actual science-y thingies involved. So, apparently, were the accusers. But, hey, that didn't stop the story from bucketing out of the starting gate faster than sledders themselves.

There has been speculation in some parts that this is part of a psychological campaign to strike fear into the hearts of our sledding opposition and unbalance their sang-froid. Unfortunately, they ain't the ones lookin' unbalanced at the moment. Obviously, the PM excepted, Canadians are so amateur at this mind-game stuff. Must do better! Or as we coyotes always say, citius, altius, fortius...!

* Unless You're A Shill An Official Sponsor Whose International Corporation Has Paid A Whack Of Blackmail Money To The Private Club of Crepuscular Old Men Who Run The Franchise As A Personal Fiefdom

Look up. Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ay up.

Something we coyotes notice about many Ottawa residents is that they don't seem to look up much. We do, because we're just like that. It's survival instinct. Ya never know when one of them crows is gonna swoop in and try to swipe your bag lunch.

Anyway, this being the nation's capital, when we're swivelling our heads around, we often see stuff that you rarely see in other places, apparently unnoticed by everyone around us.

Things like a whole team of guys in black helmets and jumpsuits, from who knows what tactical team and who knows what paramilitary/military outfit, casually rappelling down the side of the Westin Hotel on a sunny November afternoon. Taking lotsa pictures of themselves doing it, presumably for their Top Sekrit Taktical Skrapbooks...






...so I took some for my Top Sekrit Taktical Skrapbook too. We coyotes are just like that.

$250K to transform 3 ? The RCMP needs us!

Y'know, this front page item totally arrested me (heh...) as I pawed thru this morning's Petfinder: the RCMP is set to pay $220,000 to send three deputy minister-level guys to counselling in Arizona, in hopes of transforming their organization, particularly its sliding public image. Factoring in travel, taxes, meals and booze, they'll likely sock out $80K to $85K to ship each warm body out for, ummm, transformational counselling. Which will then, of course, drip through the RCMP org chart like wholesome milk through a bowl of Grape Nuts...

I have no quibble with transformational counselling. What with tasers sizzling amok; questionable training; organizational arrogance and rot; PR stonewalling and BS*; and all-round not-getting-it-ness, the Mounties lately have been driving their spiffy squad cars in the PR ditch more often than not. They need to change.

What gripes me is the fact that we're outsourcing this lucrative gravy train ummm, serious and delicate matter, to US counsellors...

I mean, just yesterday, Aggie was saying that our long-term plans to (somehow) make tunza bux off this blog and never work again, were in serious peril. This story is karma!

I'd like to note that we ESIs are long-time experts in both personal and systemic transformation. For $85K a pop, I'm pretty sure we can offer the RCMP a competitive service. And it shouldn't stop at three guys. Oh, no. In fact, we recommend our comprehensive counselling package for all 25,000-odd sworn and unsworn members of the force.

According to my calculator, this rings up at a touch over $2 billion. Give or take a few bucks. Almost enough, I think, to keep us in the style to which we would love to become accustomed...

We have one condition: our fees are non-refundable. Because, while we, as professional counsellers, would do our utmost to create conditions for transformative change, it's up to the Mounties themselves to (heh, again....) cop to the responsibility. They've got to really want to change...

* Blue Serge...

Tales from the sickroom floor

Ahem. Some of you among our avid followers may have noticed that the Elgin Street Irregulars have not been following the regular posting schedule of recent late. It seems that we, like just about every damn blogger in the near vicinity, may be undergoing a massive communal rhinovirus event.

Except me. I don't hold with hanging out with rhinoceroses (rhinoceri...?). Too big and stompy. Oh, I warned 'em all. But they wouldn't listen.

So, please direct your auras to transmit harmonious curative waves toward Elgin Street. And hope and pray that all of this close consorting with perfidious rhinocerosesesesesessss had nothing to do with questionable, unapproved, possibly illegal and immoral research for the Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm.... the mind reels. Rather as if we all had some kinda flu.

NSFW*: ESI Corset Friday

Okay, the election does not engage us. Or, apparently, anybody except campaigning politicians. So far it manifests all the charisma of the Tory blue lint on the PM's "for advertising purposes only" sweater vest - which manifests rather more charisma than the PM. What to post, what to post?

A number of us this week have been riffin' on the redoubtable, antipodal NurseMyra's gig. Her weekly Corset Friday postings are kind of a big deal in certain circles. It's a bit complicated to explain, but they seem to cheer up the inmates patients at Gimcrack Hospital, where she works.

Apparently somebody has been riffing much longer. Harmony commented yesterday that some unnamed vandal had used their Mad Photo Editing Skillz to add an item of intimate apparel to my sidebar icon. So I braced the Short Guy. He said, nonchalantly, that he'd put it there weeks ago.

Weeks? Weeks?! I draw two ummm, three lessons from this:

• First, Dear Reader, keep your eyes on all parts of this blog at all times: ya can't keep up to it without a program. Even, apparently, when you're an Irregular.
• Second, if you Photoshop a coyote's photo, you will be repaid in kind...
• Third, and just in: it seems that tagging an image with "crossdressing dwarf" is a recipe for instant search engine megahits. Who knew?

* Not Safe For Work. But you knew that already...

Proposed temporary interim position on waxing, until we can call an Emergency Meeting and ratify the minutes . . .

Ooh. Ouch.

A modest proposal

This has been the winter of my discontent. Apparently, I'm not alone in this feeling. But it's not just winter. At our last emergency meeting the Irregulars voted to support Larry O'Brien in the belief that this will be good for our karma. Would it be bad karma to point out that there was vociferous undocumented dissent during that debate -- namely, mine?

But noooo. Everybody ignores the damn doggie. And now look at us. Having huge amounts of trouble figuring out what the hell the guy is good for, so we can 'support' him without messing up our already-tottery karmic imbalance even further. And we're not the only ones.

Yet, strangely, I believe I have found a solution that may be able to satisfy us all, the fluffy-bunny supportive types, as well as (ahem) any semimythical totemic animistic sorts who hearken back to older, possibly harsher spiritual systems. (I have to say that considering that Easter originally celebrated nailing a guy to a board, and these days is an excuse for rendering joltingly-gratuitous violence unto Marshmallow PEEPs®, any claims that my roots are uncivilized and backward seem a tad blinkered.)

When I took the problem to a longtime semimythical totemic animistic friend of mine from my old stomping grounds back west, he went straight to the nut: "You're looking for a use for this guy so you can support him in good conscience, right? And winter's been going on way too long, right? So multitask. Make him a human sacrifice to the spirit of winter, so it'll screw off and let spring back in. And the bonfire warms everybody up in the meantime."

Is this guy good or what?

ESI Emergency Meeting Minutes

In Attendance: Coyote, Independent Observer, Agatha, Conch Shell,Fourth Dwarf (late, with justification). Guests: Crazy Hat (left early), Painted Stick (arrived shortly before end)

Conch Shell offers to take minutes. 4D and others laugh and mention how she never posted the last time she took the minutes. Coyote says CS will have to offer up assurances. CS offers to pay for a round of alcoholic drinks at the next Emergency Meeting if she doesn't post the minutes. It's agreed.

Agatha asks that the minutes reflect that Coyote brought red marshmallow hearts for the group, expressing love toward us all.

Meeting items begin.

IO presents his [redacted] to 4D for the [redacted]. Others are given a deadline extension of a week.

CS inquires if Z is a [redacted.] 4D explains she's too nice. Coyote mentions she called the cover band by the wrong name when she linked to them, further evidence that she isn't one of them.

Move ahead to the main item: the Appearance and Disappearance of [redacted]. CS wonders about the timing of it all, considering that it existed for months when we didn't know about it, but when we find it (Thanks, Aggie!) and begin to enjoy it, within two weeks it's gone.

Aggie: "Is it a Conspiracy?"

All ESIs insist that none of them did anything this time to ruin it for the others. Coyote points out that [redacted] showed her more readers were seeing it, plus she had friends warning her. This makes sense to us. 4D comments that he liked the message of [redacted] being [redacted].

IO puts on Larry King persona and asks: "What is her frame of mind, in one word?"

CS: "Consistent".

ESIs agree that it was enjoyable while it lasted.

Coyote comments that in his experience every woman calls her ex a narcissist. When ESIs attempt to draw personal examples from Coyote's own past, he refuses to indulge. Coyote adds that his canine nose sniffed out that this was an inappropriate relationship from the start, and he didn't think she should go on dates with [redacted] in the first place. 4D says that we all knew it was going to be a disaster, therefore Coyote doesn't deserve a bone. Aggie says she didn't know it would end so fast. Coyote blathers on generally about the rebound/needing time phenomenon. Everybody ignores him, as is usual when he gets onto this topic.

CS asks about whether [redacted] might become a lesbian now, considering all these disappointments. 4D says a lesbian fling is a possibility because all modern women are bisexual. He then asks CS and Aggie to comment on this. They don't.

4D returns tiresomely to the narcissism discussion and points out that narcissism can be relation-based. For instance, if a man is not that into his partner of the moment, he won't be that focused on her, but on himself -- classic narcissism. Coyote furthers that when a man plays a musical instrument or other entertainment tool for a long time, he should pay attention to when his audience gets bored.

Meeting digression: Clinton/Obama? Ann Coulter, Yuck. Is the U.S. anti-English monarchy or just anti-taxation? No decision taken.

[Redacted]: Sorry or Not?
Coyote says [redacted]. Aggie says [redacted]. 4D says it was a facebook problem, not a blog one.

Ethical Discussion of the Day: [Redacted] . . . can we metablog her? 4D points out that we periodically metablog others like Zoom and Megan. Aggie wonders if she'll get scared and delete her blog? It's pointed out that she's writing a book on her blog subject(!!!!) ESIs agree that it's about balance. Anyway, only the Fifth Muse has inspired us as obsessively, and that's unlikely to change. ESIs agree to test-metablog her through these minutes. All feel her date wasn't very successful, and think it good that Three Date Man was honest with her.

Aggie says online dating is depressing and degrading: suggests instead that all hopefuls go to Venus Envy, get some good electronics, and adopt cats. She insists this is what she'd do, if she were [redacted].

CS interrupts: "Let the minutes reveal that IO is blackberrying"

Some Hon. ESIs: "Bad form!!!" IO asks when that was decided.

Group discusses Rebecca Eckler's blog and the finer points of emotional voyeurism. ESIs then congratulate Zoom over her best blog posting awards. 4D states that the knitting bloggers had a lock on the awards, that it was a conspiracy, and a future blog entry will be dedicated to this.

Aggie wants to discuss the Bank Street Irrelevants. "They're trying hard."
IO: "Why?"

It's declared that they're like a [redacted] cover-band, are having a good time, and some ESIs are happy for them.

This brings the conversation around to music, the nature of compliments and insults, and their relativity. It's revealed that IO is a fan of the [redacted] without having ever heard them. CS thinks one can't be a fan in such a scenario. 4D believes IO can be a true fan, just by understanding the concept. CS comments that this is as hollow as an empty shell. Others ignore CS and comment that IO should look the part of [redacted] when he's their [redacted].

Aggie points out that she deleted [redacted] because it revealed [redacted] about [redacted ].

Next Agenda Item: status of our blog & Google search hits. 4D says it's a good blog and he's happy with the postings lately. He likes the Word Cop part, because [redacted] loves it. Coyote states that our #1 Google search hit is for "high maintenance women". 4D loudly takes credit for the posting, and reveals Google ranking tricks: the posting is titled "high maintenance women" and it links to other sites about "high maintenance women". Coyote states that "Mumumelon" is our second mopst popular Google hit, and yoga booty ballet is a distant third. We used to get more hits for yoga.

With all topics covered, we move to Action Items:

Aggie states the next meeting should involve discussion on how to make ESI the most popular blog ever, so we can make money and retire. 4D mentions that CS needs to write up the minutes.

Resolved: That at some point in the future we will discuss creating the Elgin Street Institute, as another moneymaker.

Meeting Adjourned.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2008-01-11 "The Megan Consultation"

Venue: The Usual Spot? Maybe. Maybe not.

Present: 4D, CS, Agatha, Coyote
Guests: Pandora, Woodsy
Featured Guest: Megan
Absent with lame-O excuse: I-O
Late: Chair

4D distributes vitamin D to all but Woodsy.
4D offers to take minutes so that they will be done right.

Pandora suggests that 4D also draw pictures of those present like court reporters do.

Our Consultant, Megan, arrives. Conch Shell is introduced and gets up to go.
"Any word on posting?" she is asked.

"Very, very soon. Like this weekend." And she leaves.

Megan settles in. 4D checks to see she is wearing the top that makes her breasts look shockingly large, but he cannot tell. And surprisingly, manages to refrain from public comment on the topic until typing these minutes.

We ask: Do you need a flip chart stand? 'No.' Laser pointers? 'No.'

Megan: You've fixed all your blogging problems.

Agatha: Oh, should we talk about the Bank Street people then?

Megan: The Bank Street Blog? ...Irony without earnestness.

Megan and the ESIs share thoughts on the Bank Street Blog. 4D announces that he will prepare a posting welcoming them to the blogosphere after he does the minutes.

Coyote: Or after Conch Shell posts. [to general laughter]

Megan: Maybe before...

What to do about Conch Shell?

Megan: Is there something she could do that doesn't involve posting?

Coyote: There's the tagline under the ESI title banner.

Agatha: But she wouldn't do that. We could post for her...

Megan: Or you could trick her. Email her a question?

Coyote: Does Conch Shell answer email?

4D: It's rare.

Agatha: Or a phone call.

Megan: And I guess it would only work once.

Pandora: Maybe it could be Conch Shell's job to never ever post.

Consensus: This would be workable and the worst that could happen is that the Oppositional Defiance Disorder prevalent among the ESIs would result in her actually posting.

Back to the ESIs
4D: Agatha, you were the one who first suggested we engage Megan as a consultant. What did you think she could bring to us?

Agatha: I've been feeling our group is too insular, it would be good to bring in people from outside. I would ask: What should we do more? What should we do less?

Megan: Just more of what you're already doing. One theme I've liked is the searching for a new muse. It's entertaining. Does it have to be only Ottawa?

[The Chair arrives. 4D asks if we should have any concerns about the in-a-delicate-condition T and her husband. "The one who pissed his pants?" asks the Chair. This brings up the issue of us creeping bloggers out. 4D shares a story of a blogger - a young woman who doesn't blog so much any more - who, at the coffee shop she always blogged about, had a fan appear and sit down with her. It creeped her out. "It wasn't me," 4D clarifies.]

Guest Bloggers
Megan agrees that the Andrew ZRX posting was a tremendous success. Pandora suggests that we could auction off the chance to post on our blog. The Andrew ZRX story is patiently explained to Pandora and no one says anything like "Where the hell have you been?" Perhaps because our guest consultant had everyone in such a lovely mood from her compliments and she is an ettiquettist after all.

Megan suggests we could have a contest with a skill-testing question to award the opportunity to be a guest blogger and the skill testing question could be the sort that makes them prove their worthiness for a guest posting.

Chair: Maybe we should turn into a Cat Blog.

Agatha: I love Duncan.

Megan: I would read anything Zoom wrote.

Consensus: Zoom has the best blog in Ottawa and we should do something to recognize that.

Chair: Or we could bring in Cousin Oliver [and then explains that Cousin Oliver was the kid brought in to revive ratings on the Brady Bunch, generally held to be that show's Shark Jump.]

4D: Maybe you could take on Cousin Oliver as a new persona. It might revive your interest in blogging.

Megan asks the Chair why he hasn't been blogging.

Chair: The City is getting boring.

Megan: The Mayor just got arrested!

4D: You have to understand, the Chair has been jaded for about 20 years.

Coyote: And before that he was just apathetic.

4D announces that he is ready to stop taking minutes.

Agatha: I'm just overwhelmed that Megan is here with us.

Chair and Coyote: We are not worthy! ... We are not worthy! [with the bowing and hand gestures]

Megan: Just do more of what you're already doing.

Official portion of meeting is adjourned. General conversation takes place in which further compliments are exchanged. The ESIs also interact with other patrons of the establishment, one of whom introduces himself as a reader. 4D's does a brilliant thespian portrayal of a person who is ignorant of the Elgin Street Irregulars, but the fellow persists, points out that we're sitting with AsteroideaPress and tells the 4th Dwarf that he is the 4th Dwarf.

And who are you? Asks the Dwarf, wondering why he is the only one who ever gets outed.

davewoods.ca says the young man. Who then insists he is not part of any group blog. Even though 4D narrows his eyes the second time he asks.

"Perhaps we should stop addressing each other by our aliases when we're in public," says the Dwarf after the young man rejoins his dining companion.

Christmas Reading for the Chair

http://progressiveboink.com/archive/peanuts-by-charles-bukowski/

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-12-18

Venue: A remote corner of a place that is not the Usual Spot

Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Agatha, Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

1) What to do about [Redacted]
a) Who are they?
4D: Can't be any of us. You're all too bone lazy, I'm not, but (a) I'm too busy with my plowing contracts, (b) I hate wordpress, and (c) I wouldn't have done such an exact matching of aliases.

CS: What about Aggie?
4D: Are you kidding?
Coyote: She doesn't have the HTML skills.

The Stats Team discuss [...... ..... Redacted ...... .......]. Although they have deployed techniques matching those of the Las Vegas CSI team, they have no useful information.

Speculation swirls around various possible candidates:[..... ....... ..... Redacted ..... ....... .... ......], but settles mainly on [... Redacted... ]:

• [... Redacted... ]
• [... Redacted... ]

Coyote suggests domain-squatting [... Redacted... ].com
4D suggests this would be mean and pointless
Coyote says "Yeah. And...?" He then counter-suggests creating a [...Redacted...] blog.
4D: or [ Redacted... ]

b) One person? or more?
Consensus: Too soon to tell,but [... Redacted... ].

c) Do they know that we know?
The Stats Team point out [.... ..... ..... ... Redacted... .... ...... ....].

Coyote: And I [... Redacted... ].
4D: Huh?
Coyote explains [... Redacted... ]:

[... Redacted... ]

d) So what do we do about them?
Consensus: [... Redacted... ]
Chair: I'd like to see some cash in an envelope.

2) Tiana's Prize
Coyote asks what we're going to do about it. 4D reveals that Agatha had entrusted him with the task and abjectly apologizes for not having completed the mission. He is sure that one of his plowing contracts will take him close enough to her neighbourhood to complete the mission before Christmas.

3) Love on the Internet
Conch Shell tells us of the tragic story of the 13-year-old girl who killed herself recently after a neighbour mom impersonating a 16-year-old boy online told her she'd be "better off dead". We discuss various people we know who have fallen in love with people through their emails and then dropped them soon after meeting in person. It is suggested that this would be an excellent topic for CS to blog on.

CS: Yes, I'm going to post very soon. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

4) AndrewZRX
4D asks if we should invite Andrew ZRX to post more. There is a brief discussion that notes:

• the high quality of Andrew's posting and the ZRX motorcycle; and
• the grossness of the placenta picture.

Unanimous: AndrewZRX is welcome to post again.

5) Contests
CS: We should have more contests.
4D: Like what?
CS: I like the Street Names one.
4D: huh?
CS: Renaming streets...
Coyote: or coming up with other blogs with street names, like "the Kent Street Incontinents"
All agree this has possibilities.

The Chair suggests a battle of the group blogs. 4D suggests we create avatars in World of Warcraft and take on all comers. Others seem less enthused.

6) Doomsday Machine
Chair: We should set up a Doomsday Machine. If we don't blog within a certain time period, the blog deletes itself.
CS: That's a great idea.

4D and Coyote look at each other and shake their heads.

Coyote: Right. More pressure to blog.
4D: Why do the two people who never post love this idea while the ones who do post hate it? Oh, of course, if the blog was deleted, there would be no pressure to post at all.

CS: I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

7) Life Coaching
4D explains he will be doing some postings related to life coaching and will be encouraging participation in this project from the other ESIs. Coyote gets that look on his face that means he wants nothing to do with this plan and thinks trouble will ensue.

4D: Don't worry, Coyote, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but you will want to and in fact, you'll be the most active.

8) Florence Appointments
With no discussion, The Elgin Street Irregulars appoint:

• Independent Observer as Director of Italian Affairs; and
• Audrey as ESI Cultural Liaison Officer

9) Conference Call with Aggie
4D briefs Aggie on the highlights of the discussion.
Aggie: Did Coyote get slammed for his rogue activity with the [Redacted]?
4D: Of course not. Only the Fourth Dwarf gets slammed for rogue activity.
Aggie: Right. Everything sounds great. I'm glad to see you're on it.

4D relays this and the others are pleased.

Aggie says something unintelligible. 4D asks her to repeat.

4D: Someone out east is slap happy?

Aggie: No, a blogger from the Far East says the ESIs are getting sloppy.

4D and Aggie have a brief exchange about what a loser this blogger must be. Everyone waves goodbye even though it's a telephone.

4D relates the sloppiness charge. The others express outrage.

4D: You know what? It's true. We have gotten sloppy. Coyote - using 4 words where 3 will do. Chair - sometimes it's days before we have a new movie in the sidebar cam. CS - I don't need to say anything to you, do I?

The others all hang their heads downcast for a moment as they reflect on this.

CS: But still. I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others do the usual thing.] And y'know what? Remember how it used to be when we started two years ago and we'd talk for hours about this stuff and it would bug other people so we'd have to change topics? And now so much has changed? But we're still into it and it still holds our interest.

Business is adjourned so the ESIs can discuss the "affairs" of those who are not present.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-11-09 Part 2 - Megan's Terms of Reference

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

After working out the contest details, the ESIs turn to a discussion of the Terms of Reference for the Consutancy Contract with an Ottawa Super-Blogger

Chair: I'd like to see bench-marking.

4th Dwarf: A confidentiality clause?

Aggie: She can help us explore the sex angle.

4D: But no ass piracy.

Conch Shell: We don't self-analyze. She should know that.

4D: Maybe we need help with that.

CS: If we think an idea is stupid, we will only attack the idea and not the person.

Chair: Maybe we'll attack the person a little.

Aggie: We will use only "I" statements.

Coyote: For example?

Aggie: "I feel that's fucking stupid."

Coyote: Should we redraw the org chart?

CS: What org chart?

Somebody: exactly.

4D: Does she think there are there other professionals we should consult? Graphics? Publicity?

Aggie: Raw food chefs...

Coyote: Molecular food chefs...

Plates arrive and the meeting is adjourned.

Introducing Mumumelon

Okay, the business pages these past months have been full of stories about Canadian sportswear manufacturer/marketing powerhouse/success story Lululemon™: Lululemon™ founder sells out for a gazillion bux! Lululemon™ goes public with a monster IPO! And just yesterday: LuluLemon™ snags a former Starbux™ CFO for its board! Omigawd!

Lululemon™ purveys yoga wear featuring built-in "butt bras". These are purported to make any woman's ass look great. No, great!

Quibbles re: jawdropping prices, and non-yogis wearing the ultra-casual gear in inappropriate business & formal situations are summarily thrust aside by acolytes worshipping at the lululemon™ altar, because their asses look great. No, great!

There are, of course, flies in the lemonade. There always are. The trademark completely-synthetic nylon-spandex pants themselves are said to be prone to pilling faster than cheap 70s leisure suits. Hey, they're synthetic. The fashion police are starting to realize that fashion-impaired teens are stuffing themselves into low-rise lululemons™ five sizes too small, for that winsome plumbers' butt look. And (gasp!) obese people are buying and wearing lululemon™ stuff hoping the pants will whittle 10-odd cheeseburgers from their thighs. These poseurs are driving the brand's cachet downmarket. Unlike, say, all the poseurs I see every day, running around downtown, dressed in lululemons™ and carrying yoga mats™, but for some reason never actually attending any actual yoga™ classes.

But anytime life hands you a sackful of bagged-out, overstretched lululemons™, hey, it's a chance to make us some lemonade. I'm pretty sure no less an authority than Ann Landers herself said it.

So here's the scam: Aggie is becoming a crafter. Who sews quilts. Who is buying a sewing machine. Who can teach the ESIs to sew in conditions that, when we get up to speed, will echo East Asian sweatshops. All perfect for crafting stylish mu'umu'us. Ya heard it here first: Mumumelon™!!!!: exercise wear for all the people who shouldn't wear lululemon™. Given North American obesity rates, I'm pretty sure our target market ain't trivial. We are so going to make a killin'....

Muumuu Cam

Aggie's perfect storm

Zoom needs a little time to pull her extra-special prize guest bloggage together, but watch this space. It's coming soon, and it's gonna be brilliant! In the meantime, to cover, I'll do what ESIs do best. No, not that. I mean metablogging.

It has become overwhelmingly needful to metablog our own Essex girl.

Evidence suggests Aggie has found that the road to new-age enlightenment is no easy thing, strewn as it is with a perfect storm of pitfalls. And bad hair days. Not to mention bent-to-broken metaphors. Poor thing is now so confused, she's laying off drinking and trying to reinvent herself as a common craft blogger...

What are the ethics, here? Aggie is one of us. I mean, I love her, and she is, like Mary Poppins, Practically Perfect in Every Way. Uh, but she remains in place as our next-best Muse. Better yet, she's not here to defend herself... and we need material. No honour among metabloggers. 'Nuff said.

Anyway, I was at Bank & Slater yesterday, nose to the ground, sniffin' opportunity, when I chanced to look up. And was struck with awe. I mean, the signage at this one corner has Aggie's enlightenment covered: martini lounge named for her favorite yoga position, strong coffee options, a hair salon to repair the unfortunate mullet experiment, and a relaxing day spa. The salon's name? Perfection. Nothing better than that.

And what about that constant, soothing flow of large American cars, huh?

Truly, when one seeks satori, the devil is in the distractions. Crafting? Aggie, we barely recognize you! Just ignore the proven fact that when anyone in a dysfunctional group tries to change for the better, other members will pressure her to return to old, familiar patterns, so they can avoid confronting their own dysfunctions. Instead, think about this, Ags: Lotus Martini Lounge!

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 27 September 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Conch Shell, Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha (no guests)
Absent with good excuse and notice: Independent Observer
Absent with possibly good excuse but no notice: The Chair
Emergency: Blog in Peril and Meta-Contest
Called by: Agatha
Minutes by: 4D

1. Quorum Count

Those present express their hopes that the IO is enjoying and making good progress on his research mission. Coyote suggests that the Chair is likely engaged in activities that all agree would be noble and an acceptable excuse for absence if we had been notified. There was no motion for censure.

4D points out an attractive young man and woman at a nearby table "do you think they are on a lavalife date?" Consensus: Yes.

4D asks "Did he bring the bicycle seat? If so, is that wise for a first date?"

Agatha, CS and Coyote think it is fine. 4D maintains that it hampers his ability to take her back to her place, share a cab or walk with her after the date. Plus, it draws attention to his possible lack of a car and likely anal retentiveness that he worries about his seat and flasher being stolen.

Agatha and CS note that the woman's skirt is not a good one for cycling, but that the seat and post are so much on her side of the table that it suggests it is hers. Agatha: "Of course, the seat is a phallic symbol."

Coyote: Then what would the rear flasher be?

Conch Shell: A clitoris.

2. The Meta -Contest

4D reviews the contest entries. Each entry is discussed in detail and a winner is chosen.

Aggie: "Do you notice the possible height difference?" All agree that it looks like the woman might be taller than the man. This and her striking beauty may explain why the man seems a bit nervous.

4D: "This could mean that it is not a Lavalife date. Lavalife lets people search on height. It might be OKCupid or Facebook.

3. The Blog in Peril

Aggie: Do we shut down our side projects?

4D admits that all he is doing at Swabbin' th' Deck these days is posting Google poems and he'd put them on the ESI blog but he wasn't sure the others wanted him to. Agatha tells 4D that she loves his Google poems especially the recent one dedicated to Conch Shell. Coyote says, "yeah they're good." Conch Shell indicates that she would probably like them if she had time to read them. With this outpouring of encouragement, 4D announces that he will stop posting on his side project and only post here.

In discussing Coyote's Screeching Orb Singing Moon, Coyote tells us that the work he posts there is written in a different voice and for a different purpose than what he posts on our blog. We all nod in an understanding way and press the poet no further.

4D notes that some of Aggie's postings on the Elgin Street Muse could be posted on ours, while many seem more suited to being on her own personal blog. We have a brief discussion about the difference between the two types of posting, being careful not to say anything that turns Aggie's quivering lower lip into outright crying.

Consensus: 4D will put all his work on ESI, Coyote is already carrying his weight here, Aggie should continue to place her fabulous postings wherever she thinks is best.

Aggie: Now he's playing with the tail light.

CS: You know what that means.

Coyote: Huh? What?

4D: He knows where it is and he knows what to do with it.

CS: Do we need another muse?

All agree that we do, but they are hard to find. 4D suggests that people just aren't baring their souls on the web like they used to. They've learned that as anonymously as they do it, they'll get outed and suffer for it. Aggie: "There are still exhibitionists out there."

Consensus: We will keep looking and perhaps blog more of our search.

Aggie: She's talking about her mother.

CS: Oh that's good.

4D: Oh, yes, very good. Unlike if he was talking about his mother.

Invite someone else to join the blog?

Shying away from this can of worms, we discuss the possibility of instead just inviting one or two of our favourite bloggers to an Emergency Meeting. 4D notes that two of them gave a workshop on blogging on the weekend. "Perhaps we could bring one of them in as a consultant, kind of like when he brought in the Ethics Consultant. They could give us advice on tuning up the blog or finding a new direction." Coyote: "A change management consultant. I like that."

Consensus: We will mull this idea over and come back to it at the next Emergency Meeting.

Aggie: She's flirting with [the waiter]. Nice touch.

All agree.

4D: What about the Schedule?

Aggie: The schedule really doesn't work well for those of us with Oppositional Defiance Disorder like me and the Chair.

CS: It also doesn't work for those of us who are INFP and I think both Aggie and I are INFP.

Coyote: What's INFP?

CS: A Meyer's Briggs classification.

Coyote: Oh yeah, I think I'm that too.

4D: Well, the schedule works well for me. Knowing that I'm supposed to post something on Sunday allows me to post without worrying about the content. It worked for the Chair a couple of times, he posted things that he might not have otherwise that were really good.

Consensus: 4D will post on Sundays. Everyone else will post whenever they feel like it.

Aggie: She's self-touching.

4D: But it's her leg below the table where he can't see it.

Aggie: Doesn't matter. It's a good sign.

4D: So do you think sex tonight?

CS: No!

Aggie: I think could be.

Coyote: I don't think so with his body language.

4D: I think she'd be ready for it, but he's too nervous to make a move. All these signs that are so clear to us are like a fog to him.

4D: So Conch Shell, is there any chance of you posting again?

CS: "Yes. There is." We have a brief discussion on the mollusk endangerment work that has occupied so much of Conchie's time lately. CS is encouraged to write about how she has dealt with the anxieties surrounding this project.

Consensus: All look forward to CS' return to blogging. 4D and Coyote indicate they are happy to assist with graphical support.

4D: She's paying with a credit card.

Aggie: He paid at the counter.

Coyote: So Dutch treat. Bad sign, right?

4D: [Shrugs] Who knows with kids these days.

The meeting is adjourned.

A new couple takes the table next to the ESI table. He is perhaps ten years older than her.

Coyote: He's dressed like a slob and she's dressed like a model. I don't see this going anywhere.

Wondering about the Anarchists

Have you noticed that the anarchists are recruiting? I've been meaning to go to one of their meetings to see if they plan to do anything about the Irish conspiriacy. I imagine that like any group, the Anarchists have their difficulties, but you can see that back in April they were ready to deal with them face on:

The purpose of this meeting is to discuss the problems with anarchist organizing in Ottawa and attempt to come up with concrete proposals on how to organize better both within and between our groups.

I'd like to see a copy of the flip chart paper from that meeting. My guess is that it looked something like this:

Key Problems

• We're all freaking anarchists
• ...
  

Cat-ered lunch

I'm not sure what it was that tipped Aggie off. Coulda been the sudden manic red gleam in my yellow eyes. Coulda been the unseemly fountains of drool. Coulda been the not-sotto-voce-enough, "Oh yeah, you betcha I'll take care if it for you. . . !" Or maybe she knows me a touch too well from previous experience.

But after she asked me to tend to her sizeable cat for her while she's off at her family reunion, she eyed me narrowly and mentioned that if said sizeable cat disappeared in her absence, certain coyotes would suffer. Greatly.

Damn. "What possible good is a sizeable cat that one cannot eat?" I asked myself.

Since then, though, the cat and I have discovered unspoken mutual interests in Dame Agatha's back yard. 'Unspoken' because cats and dogs do not really speak with each other much. . . it's kinda genetic.

Full detente is a way off -- I interpret my agreement with with Aggie to mean that all bets are null & void after she returns, 'specially since I felt it was made under unseemly duress. And crossed my toes whilst she extracted certain promises from me. But meantime, the cat and I have called a temporary cease-fire in order to pursue the kinda lunch we can both appreciate. And I hafta say that teamwork when you're chasin' hot squirrel sandwiches on the hoof can be a good thing...

And after...

Why I like the Usual Spot

Coyote dropped by today to drop off an item for one of my secret projects and to collect an aspidistra I'd set aside for him. I enticed him to stay by offering food but then set him to work on a little home repair project.

By ten o'clock, we were a bit tired and thirsty, so I suggested we make our way to the usual spot for a beverage.

Not wanting to leave the aspidistra outside in the bicycle trailer where it could be stolen, I brought it in and put it on our table.

"Maybe this will help us meet girls," suggested the C-dog.

"Not likely," I said. (You'd think the Coyote would know by now that when he's at a bar with me, there'll be no young ladies approaching. It's not like when he's on his own cutting a swath with cagey American coyotes.)

Then the waiter came and asked what beverages we'd like. Coyote ordered his usual libation and I ordered a dark frothy ale (only a small one.)

"And what would you like?" The waiter stared at the aspidistra.

"Our friend will have a glass of water," I said. "No ice."

A few minutes later, he brought us all our drinks. The aspidistra finished his first. Chugged it, you might say.

Exploring Outer Space without a Spaceship

With the serious shortage of positions for trained space pirates, I've been forced to find creative ways to explore strange new worlds. This weekend, Coyote joined me on an inner solar system tour of Ottawa.

Lounging on Mercury

We started Friday evening with a voyage to the Mercury Lounge.

We arrived as the inhabitants were engaged in what is apparently a regular celebration they call World Beats and Eats.

Formalities at the entry port were easy, we simply exchanged currency and received a stamp. As we had no passports, they stamped our wrists.

Coyote and I pondered why the females were generally dressed much better than the males. Coyote said he'd heard that females dress for each other. I observed that I had no proof of this, but suspected it might be true of the males as well. Maybe the males deliberately dress like slobs so that other males will not assume they are gay and beat them up.

The Coffee Planet

Our next stop was Planet Coffee. All the natives were consuming a tasty warm beverage and we did our best to blend in. Coyote also ordered a lemon square (apparently sometimes a canine is not in the mood for biscotti). I ordered a Nanaimo bar. It turned out they don't have Nanaimo bars and the young woman taking our orders thought I also ordered a lemon square. This meant that I got a cheesecake square for the lower price of a lemon square.

While Coyote and I enjoyed our beverages, I teased him about his cousin Adrian in Chicago. Bad enough he was discovered and captured, but in a Quiznos!

Planet Ink and Universal Tattoo

Our orbital path home took us past both Planet Ink and Universal Tattoo, but we decided to save our explorations there for another day. Coyote seems to be particularly concerned that every part of his anatomy is heading towards flabby sag and therefore unsuitable for permanent markings.

Breakfast on Venus

Saturday morning the Research Director joined us at the Café Venus for a morning repast. We all enjoyed our breakfasts. I had to ask Coyote what type of meat he'd been given because I didn't recognize it. "Sausage," he told me. As a space explorer, you have to be prepared for this sort of thing: sausage that is flat and rectangular.

We had a wide-ranging discussion. The others were intrigued by my discovery of the PlentyofFish dating service where they make the users do a Meyers-Briggs personality test before they let them search for potential mates. As an ENTJ, this makes excellent sense to me. God forbid I should wind up with and E or I SFP.

Another feature of the PlentyofFish that we all found amusing is that people can specify criteria that others must meet in order to send them messages and one that women seem to often choose is "Must not have messaged users looking for intimate encounters or sex."

Apparently, these women live on a planet where they have a chance of finding a man who has never been interested in casual sex.

[The Ottawa Solar System Map]