$250K to transform 3 ? The RCMP needs us!

Y'know, this front page item totally arrested me (heh...) as I pawed thru this morning's Petfinder: the RCMP is set to pay $220,000 to send three deputy minister-level guys to counselling in Arizona, in hopes of transforming their organization, particularly its sliding public image. Factoring in travel, taxes, meals and booze, they'll likely sock out $80K to $85K to ship each warm body out for, ummm, transformational counselling. Which will then, of course, drip through the RCMP org chart like wholesome milk through a bowl of Grape Nuts...

I have no quibble with transformational counselling. What with tasers sizzling amok; questionable training; organizational arrogance and rot; PR stonewalling and BS*; and all-round not-getting-it-ness, the Mounties lately have been driving their spiffy squad cars in the PR ditch more often than not. They need to change.

What gripes me is the fact that we're outsourcing this lucrative gravy train ummm, serious and delicate matter, to US counsellors...

I mean, just yesterday, Aggie was saying that our long-term plans to (somehow) make tunza bux off this blog and never work again, were in serious peril. This story is karma!

I'd like to note that we ESIs are long-time experts in both personal and systemic transformation. For $85K a pop, I'm pretty sure we can offer the RCMP a competitive service. And it shouldn't stop at three guys. Oh, no. In fact, we recommend our comprehensive counselling package for all 25,000-odd sworn and unsworn members of the force.

According to my calculator, this rings up at a touch over $2 billion. Give or take a few bucks. Almost enough, I think, to keep us in the style to which we would love to become accustomed...

We have one condition: our fees are non-refundable. Because, while we, as professional counsellers, would do our utmost to create conditions for transformative change, it's up to the Mounties themselves to (heh, again....) cop to the responsibility. They've got to really want to change...

* Blue Serge...

An irreverent pause

American stand-up comedian George Carlin died yesterday in Santa Monica of heart failure. He was 71. The creator of the Hippy Dippy Weather Man ("the whole country is high, man") and Seven Words You Can't Say on Television was a unique contrarian whose humour pointed up the absurdities (some pretty damn unfunny) of living on this planet. He was smarter (and funnier) than most of the politicians who ran his country.

The US Supreme Court ruled his routine based on those words was, indeed a bad thing. Actually, seven of them. Yet an entire generation made it a priority to know what they were. In his memory, we pause to recite the infamous seven, three times fast, giggling a little snarkily, no longer certain why the Supreme Court was so het up in the first place. Unless the prosecution wasn't really about the words, per se, but his attitude toward authority(ies)... Carlin will be missed, but not forgotten.

Image: The Charleston Paper

RNDP 4: The Feng Shui Dating Coach

Our next stop on the quest for a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP) takes us to Best Life Services where we meet dating coach Katherin Scott who offers a "new dating paradigm that yields an abundance of fun, positive, and promising dates". On her own website, Making Love Work 4U, she says she coaches "Singles to attract true love and keep it... forever!"

To get you to this new paradigm she offers the following services:

• Individual Coaching: One-on-one sessions, usually by phone, to help you get clarity on your romantic goals and create an action plan for achieving them
• Special Activities: Gain dating confidence through dances, socials, and speed dating events as well as seminars on topics including body language, weight loss, and how to attract your life partner
• Attracting Love with Feng Shui: Applying Feng Shui principles to create an energy flow in your home environment that attracts romance and lasting love

Feng Shui? Weight loss? Speed Dating? This isn't a new paradigm, it's 90s new age mixed with 80s marketing.

But let's dig a little deeper. She has a Q&A page on Making Love Work. It's light on dating talk but it does have this:

Q: Where exactly can I meet a great guy? I've looked everywhere and I'm exhausted.

A: It seems to me that you're looking for the perfect place to meet the perfect man. Actually, anyplace is the perfect place to meet a perfect man. (My dad used to say "Love is geographical. Wherever you go, you can find love!")

My guess is that you're not getting good results because of the WAY you're dating. Recognize you are the constant in this equation. Therefore, you must change YOU -- and the way you're going about dating. Take the time to evaluate your dating history and patterns.

Remember, the definition of dating is - spending time with multiple people for the purpose of having fun. Sounds like you aren't having fun. Stop doing what you're doing - and do something different. Change your approach and your attitude.

Scott's answer makes several things clear. The key lies in her "definition of dating" as "spending time with multiple people for the purpose of having fun". While there is no definition of dating that satisfies everyone, it is generally agreed that dating can take place when there is only one other person involved; and while everyone would likely agree that having fun is to be pursued on a date, the usual purpose of dating is to see if the two people can develop their relationship further.

I think what Scott means is that for her the paradigm, or ultimate example, of dating involves having fun while spending time with multiple people (presumably consecutively rather than concurrently). I assume that what makes her paradigm "new" for her clients is that she helps them analyze their old patterns and become someone who has fun.

Judging by another page on her website, she uses a battery of personality assessment tools like Meyers-Briggs, along with the standard life coaching technique of asking open-ended questions that force you to come to the conclusions she has made for how you should change your life.

Should dating be about having fun? In Jane Austen's Persuasion, Wentworth realizes he is in love with Anne after she calmly saves the day when everyone else is all in a dither over the silly Musgrave girl's concussion. I have a pirate friend who tells me that before he met his wife, he would deliberately create situations of stress to see how the women he dated handled a crisis. For example, one relationship ended when his girlfriend took it badly that he had locked his keys in the car at a mall parking lot. Oddly enough, he says he never tried the stress test with the woman he married.

4D Analysis: Katherin Scott's new dating paradigm involves mystical crap that cannot be supported and has an emphasis on life coaching that makes me skeptical, but her website has given us a number of points to keep in mind in the quest for an RNDP:

• Should a dating paradigm focus on finding the one perfect person? or should it focus on finding multiple people who might be fun?
• Do people who have not found dating fun need to change themselves first?
• Should dating be fun?

By the end of this series, we should have the answers to these and other questions.

P.S. Stacey, although it means more work for me, thank you for providing a copy of the "Hooking Up" article. Zoom forwarded it along to me just like you figured she would. If anyone else wants to send me email, I'm at gmail.com. fourth.dwarf

P.P.S. To the person who dropped a copy at my door of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris who I understand exposes the "Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating" and offers a realistic outline of how to have a biblical vision of marriage, I am really not sure if I'll be offering thanks or not.

Advice from Audrey: Tuscan Resolution

More useful advice from our dear friend Audrey:

I was discussing my New Year's resolutions with Conch Shell earlier this year and she did not offer up her resolutions. In fact, she told me that she has decided to be unambitious this year.

Unlike me, she is not worrying about: getting the ESIs to meet at a place other than the Usual Spot, losing five pounds, finding a cheap fare to Rome, writing a screenplay, being a better daughter/sister, drinking more champagne, buying more flowers, doing more volunteer work, spending more time on patios, watching more episodes of Tom Green's House Tonight on the Comedy Network, or finding a cute boyfriend.

I thought that maybe I could help a reader to fulfill one of his/her New Year's resolutions. If one of your resolutions is to rent a villa in Tuscany, or purchase property in Italy, read on.

Renting a villa in Tuscany

Several years ago, friends and I rented a delightful villa near the hilltop town Castiglion Fiorentino, in Tuscany. Castiglion Fiorentino is extremely well-located; it is on the rail-line between Rome (2.5 hours) and Florence (1 hour). The next town (but not on the rail-line) is Cortona, the setting of "Under the Tuscan Sun".

The villa was one of five that have been created from the restoration of an ancient country house and outbuildings. The property is exactly what you would wish for: there is a castle at the top of the hill, an olive grove hugs the hillside, grape vines line the laneway, there is a beautifully maintained swimming pool, there are lemon trees in pots, and there is a cute little dog that will sit at your feet if you beg him to!

We stayed in the largest villa, Giogo, and opted for the 3 bedroom/3 bathroom option. We also viewed the smallest villa, Tino, and loved it. The owners rent out late-model cars but you can walk to the train station, the grocery store, and several wineries. The grocery store was just like an Italian Loblaws! It had everything, including wine, fresh bread, fresh pasta, prepared deli food, and wonderful cheeses.

Purchasing a property in Italy

In 2007, the IO and I were in Italy and viewed some properties. Before leaving home, we spent many hours searching for property on-line, primarily at the following sites:

• keyitaly.com
• remax.it
• lalocandina.it
• italianrealestates.com
• sunshineestates.net
  
• property.livinginitaly.co.uk
• immobiliarelaudani.com

One of the agents took us to a medieval hilltop town north of Perugia, in Umbria near the border with Tuscany, where a variety of 1 and 2-bedroom apartments were for sale. These properties had recently been renovated and lacked only finishing touches. Although the location did not suit us, we thought that the properties were delightful and very affordable (starting at 80,000 euros ($120,000)).

Property for sale in Perugia

Audrey: No or yes?

This missive is just in from Audrey:

I was in Florence recently, and had lunch at one of my favorite places: the self-serve restaurant Ristorante Self-Service Leonardo on Via de' Pecori.

The cashier, who recognized me from my two previous visits that week, asked me a question. His question, in rapid Italian, was incomprehensible to me, so I replied, "No."

He looked amused and said, "No, or yes?"

I replied, "Yes."

He said, "You should usually say no, but sometimes you should say yes…"

******

Once, when I was sun-tanning on the steps of the Palazzo delle Esposizioni museum in Rome, an Italian man came up to me and admonished me, telling me that I could get skin cancer. Then he invited me to go on vacation with him in Spain for two weeks. I said, "no".

Another time, on a train from Rome to Paris, an Italian businessman, who was clearly admiring my legs, invited me to get off the train with him in Monte Carlo. He told me that, as a resident of that city, he could give me a wonderful tour. I said, "no".

I was at a conference with a married colleague a few years ago, and as we entered our adjoining hotel rooms, he looked back at me. And, although he didn't say anything, I understood the question. I said, "no".

And, maybe every woman has had this experience. You are just starting a relationship (exploratory dating) and he is sitting on your couch, looking up expectantly. And you lean in and kiss him and feel - nothing at all. No warmth, no passion for him, no chemistry. And you were longing for a relationship. And he is a good man. But, you say "no".

******

So, dear reader, as I go through this adventurous life, sometimes I do say "yes" and, quite frequently, I say "no". I've noticed that we all react differently to these situations that offer unforeseen pleasure. Do you look back, as I do, and wonder what would have happened if you had said "yes"? Do you have any stories to share?

Man, I feel like (telling) a woman

An intimate reflection from Audrey

I have noticed that, recently, I have had some very deep conversations with men.

They have frequently taken place at the Usual Spot. They have also taken place at small dinner parties (including my own), hockey parties in private homes and bars (Go Sens Go!), and even at weddings (esp. while eating yummy Greek food).

As well, I have had these conversations during vacations in Europe with friends, in e-mail messages, and on the phone.

It seems that, these days, my male friends and I are always cautioning each other, don't blog this, before launching into a detailed story. We seem to be opening up more to each other. It seems that we suddenly all know about each others' salaries and mortgages and love lives and, unfortunately, angst.

In the past, only my boyfriends would have intimate discussions with me. They would tell me of the girlfriend who left them for their best friend, of the father who beat them, of the impact on them when their parents divorced or when one of their parents passed away suddenly, of their financial and career worries.

My other male friends would discuss romances, family, work, and money, but only on a very general level. (My women friends and I have always had these intimate conversations - especially when we have been trying to figure out men!)

However, now my eyes have been opened to the fact that men worry about the same things that my women friends and I worry about!

Men worry about:
1. Why a love interest only wants to be friends with them;
2. How they should treat a love interest if that love interest is already in a relationship, but if there is undeniable chemistry between them;
3. What are the appropriate levels of intimacy with a love interest;
4. How long they should stay in their present job.
5. How to dress well, without appearing to have made any effort;
6. How to take care of friends and family members who are going through a tough time;
7. If they should rent or buy. And, if they wish to buy, should they buy a family-sized house if they are single;
8. If they should have children, get married, settle down;
9. What is the best way to live a meaningful life; and
10. How to get over a broken heart.

Have I changed, or have men?

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-11-09 Part 2 - Megan's Terms of Reference

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

After working out the contest details, the ESIs turn to a discussion of the Terms of Reference for the Consutancy Contract with an Ottawa Super-Blogger

Chair: I'd like to see bench-marking.

4th Dwarf: A confidentiality clause?

Aggie: She can help us explore the sex angle.

4D: But no ass piracy.

Conch Shell: We don't self-analyze. She should know that.

4D: Maybe we need help with that.

CS: If we think an idea is stupid, we will only attack the idea and not the person.

Chair: Maybe we'll attack the person a little.

Aggie: We will use only "I" statements.

Coyote: For example?

Aggie: "I feel that's fucking stupid."

Coyote: Should we redraw the org chart?

CS: What org chart?

Somebody: exactly.

4D: Does she think there are there other professionals we should consult? Graphics? Publicity?

Aggie: Raw food chefs...

Coyote: Molecular food chefs...

Plates arrive and the meeting is adjourned.

Words that won't get you laid

Audrey sent me a link today for a piece by Ariel Leve on the Times online. I suspect that Audrey agrees with Ms Leve.

Words Not To Live By

Sometimes someone will say something and immediately, I’ll lose interest in continuing the rest of the conversation.

A few years ago I went out with a man who ended a message on my answering machine with “rock on”
As in, “I’ll try you again tomorrow….rock on.”
What’s wrong with good-bye? Or nothing at all. Just hang up. We weren’t meant to be.
I’ve discussed this with a few of my friends and I’m not alone. Certain sayings can be an instant turn off.

Here is a partial, not comprehensive, list of things people should stop saying:

1. Pardon my French (after cursing)

2. Anyhoo

3. We’re not in Kansas anymore

4. Rock on

5. What’s the plan Stan?

6. Give me a shout

7. Fancy Shmancy

8. I’m just calling to say howdy

9. Hell-o?

10. Who’d of thunk it?

Now I understand why I so seldom had calls returned after I said "Give me a shout" on voicemails. I wish I had seen this list a long time ago. At least before I bought the t-shirt with "Rock on" spelled out on the front and "Anyhoo" on the back.

Are there other phrases I should be avoiding?

Mid-term Review for the Award

With the cancellation of the Emergency Meeting due to the failed quorum count, and the impending arrival of the Amazon, the Chair and I decided it would be a good time to have a Most Improved Person mid-term review.

You might say that as the prize is awarded in September, we should have had our mid-term review in March, but if we were the sort of people who managed to do everything we ought to do when we should, we wouldn't be competing with each other for a Most Improved Person award.

The Amazon wins most years. I won the year I started pirate school. You might have thought my graduating would have given me the award, but I didn't finish in the top 10% of the class and the Amazon went through a home renovation without losing her boyfriend.

"We were talking," the Chair told me before the Amazon arrived, "and for you to win this year, you're going to need a show-stopper."

I shrugged. Since the Chair has never won, I'd probably have given it to him if he filed his taxes on time. Of course, the Amazon isn't going to let it go to one of us that easily.

And that's what she told us when she arrived. Before she sat down she announced, "I've got Most Improved Person in the bag."

She asked if we wanted to know why and we said we did.

"I've hired a life coach. We met for the first time today and I've already got a set of objectives."

"We're going to need to see those objectives," I said.

"What are they?" asked the Chair.

"I don't remember," she said. "I think one was that I need to not be so swayed by what other people think, I need to be more self-directed."

"You need to be more self-directed? That would be like me saying, I need to eat more Mars bars," I said.

"Or do you mean it would be like you saying you need to know how to tell people 'you are wrong!'" she said to me.

"You are wrong," I said, "okay, maybe it would be like that."

The Amazon then promised to bring her objectives to our next meeting and we moved on to quizzing the Chair about the progress we'll need to see from him. This is always the fun part of the mid-term review.

Required reading

Don't despair, fellow ESIs. We all should take a deep co-dependent breath and avoid a needless slide into a destructive shame spiral. I urge you to read this pamphlet distributed by the good people at The Nonist. It will cure our collective e-ennui.