Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-07-15 "Supporting Aggie"

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: 4th Dwarf, Agatha, Conch Shell, Chair, Coyote, Independent Observer, Woodsy
Guests: Audrey, Harmony, Painted Stick

Absent with lame-O excuse: Nobody
Late: Nobody

4D is assigned responsibility for minutes. He uses this to imperiously rearrange the seating so he can hear people speak and Audrey and Painted Stick are not forced to participate in agenda items that will bore them and consequently cause them to sidetrack us from our important deliberations.

European Office Report:

IO passes around photos detailing the latest advances in furnishing of the Western-Europe office. All present make the appropriate noises and comments. 4D refrains from asking why IO has no images of cuties from RNDP fieldwork.

Our Old Friend:

Aggie asks about our feelings on recent developments.

IO: Damn his [redacted] loins!

Aggie: Who is anti-condom these days?

Male Chorus: {uncomfortable silence}

Woodsy: Everybody?

Chair: I like condoms. I also like showering with my socks on.

Coyote: Will this be front channel?

Woodsy: Did you say there's going to be French?

4D: Front channel, Woodsy, not French channel.

Woodsy: So what about the date request?

IO: We never got a thank you for the marriage.

{Woodsy is filled in on old ESI history.}

Chair: Bring back the dude.

C.S.: It's time for a come back.

Chair: We've run out of anything interesting we can do.

4D: Hey!

Aggie: There, there, 4D, you and Coyote are carrying the blog.

Coyote: She needs new rules of engagement.

IO: Number One - Avoid engagement.

Chair: The lower-case poet!

Some honourable member: Absolutely not!

Aggie: Anyone else ruled out?

Coyote: The Dude.

Chair: M?

Aggie: No M.

Coyote: And there is no Fifth Rule of Engagement.

How Can We Support Aggie?

Aggie introduces her problem: People say to me, '"Hey, Boss."

IO and Chair request a report on Aggie's sabbatical.

Aggie: I can do that.

IO: We meant right now.

A: No, I can blog it.

IO: How about a 10 to 25 word synopsis?

A: In a poem?

IO: No, not a haiku.

All stare at Aggie for an uncomfortably long period.

4D: Um...

A: I need some time.

4D: So, Aggie, you need support. What is falling? What is sagging?

Woodsy: Even before he said that, I was about to suggest new underwear.

Aggie: I like good concrete advice. Especially management advice from people who've managed.

Some honourable member: Listen more than you talk.

Harmony: You can't be their friend.

Woodsy: But you can be friendly... No high heels or fancy nails.

CS: It's like parenting.

A: How?

Coyote: You can't let them smell your fear.

4D: We're tossing out all this management advice you can read anywhere. Let's talk about what you specifically need. You can't be their friend. Does this mean you don't have anyone to have lunch with?

Some honourable female member: Or yoga?

Chair: We could show up in power suits and snake skin boots.

Woodsy: Always with a kiss, kiss.

A brief interruption from Painted Stick and Audrey's end of the meeting table.

Painted Stick: We're discussing weight.

Audrey: I have to keep the same weight for the next 60 years.

Chair: Put on a pound a month and he'll never notice.

Audrey: As long as it's in the breasts!

Aggie points to herself and raises her eyebrows to bring us back to the agenda.

We are still on the power suit visits.

Woodsy: You're welcome to give me a little pat on the ass as we leave.

Aggie: That's good because we have a lesbian friendly office.

Chair: Corset Fridays!

Harmony: Let it be noted that Woodsy was eager to help purchase corsets.

The meeting is informally adjourned as conversation drifts to Aggie's crush on Milan and issues involving carbon dating.

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 27 September 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Conch Shell, Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha (no guests)
Absent with good excuse and notice: Independent Observer
Absent with possibly good excuse but no notice: The Chair
Emergency: Blog in Peril and Meta-Contest
Called by: Agatha
Minutes by: 4D

1. Quorum Count

Those present express their hopes that the IO is enjoying and making good progress on his research mission. Coyote suggests that the Chair is likely engaged in activities that all agree would be noble and an acceptable excuse for absence if we had been notified. There was no motion for censure.

4D points out an attractive young man and woman at a nearby table "do you think they are on a lavalife date?" Consensus: Yes.

4D asks "Did he bring the bicycle seat? If so, is that wise for a first date?"

Agatha, CS and Coyote think it is fine. 4D maintains that it hampers his ability to take her back to her place, share a cab or walk with her after the date. Plus, it draws attention to his possible lack of a car and likely anal retentiveness that he worries about his seat and flasher being stolen.

Agatha and CS note that the woman's skirt is not a good one for cycling, but that the seat and post are so much on her side of the table that it suggests it is hers. Agatha: "Of course, the seat is a phallic symbol."

Coyote: Then what would the rear flasher be?

Conch Shell: A clitoris.

2. The Meta -Contest

4D reviews the contest entries. Each entry is discussed in detail and a winner is chosen.

Aggie: "Do you notice the possible height difference?" All agree that it looks like the woman might be taller than the man. This and her striking beauty may explain why the man seems a bit nervous.

4D: "This could mean that it is not a Lavalife date. Lavalife lets people search on height. It might be OKCupid or Facebook.

3. The Blog in Peril

Aggie: Do we shut down our side projects?

4D admits that all he is doing at Swabbin' th' Deck these days is posting Google poems and he'd put them on the ESI blog but he wasn't sure the others wanted him to. Agatha tells 4D that she loves his Google poems especially the recent one dedicated to Conch Shell. Coyote says, "yeah they're good." Conch Shell indicates that she would probably like them if she had time to read them. With this outpouring of encouragement, 4D announces that he will stop posting on his side project and only post here.

In discussing Coyote's Screeching Orb Singing Moon, Coyote tells us that the work he posts there is written in a different voice and for a different purpose than what he posts on our blog. We all nod in an understanding way and press the poet no further.

4D notes that some of Aggie's postings on the Elgin Street Muse could be posted on ours, while many seem more suited to being on her own personal blog. We have a brief discussion about the difference between the two types of posting, being careful not to say anything that turns Aggie's quivering lower lip into outright crying.

Consensus: 4D will put all his work on ESI, Coyote is already carrying his weight here, Aggie should continue to place her fabulous postings wherever she thinks is best.

Aggie: Now he's playing with the tail light.

CS: You know what that means.

Coyote: Huh? What?

4D: He knows where it is and he knows what to do with it.

CS: Do we need another muse?

All agree that we do, but they are hard to find. 4D suggests that people just aren't baring their souls on the web like they used to. They've learned that as anonymously as they do it, they'll get outed and suffer for it. Aggie: "There are still exhibitionists out there."

Consensus: We will keep looking and perhaps blog more of our search.

Aggie: She's talking about her mother.

CS: Oh that's good.

4D: Oh, yes, very good. Unlike if he was talking about his mother.

Invite someone else to join the blog?

Shying away from this can of worms, we discuss the possibility of instead just inviting one or two of our favourite bloggers to an Emergency Meeting. 4D notes that two of them gave a workshop on blogging on the weekend. "Perhaps we could bring one of them in as a consultant, kind of like when he brought in the Ethics Consultant. They could give us advice on tuning up the blog or finding a new direction." Coyote: "A change management consultant. I like that."

Consensus: We will mull this idea over and come back to it at the next Emergency Meeting.

Aggie: She's flirting with [the waiter]. Nice touch.

All agree.

4D: What about the Schedule?

Aggie: The schedule really doesn't work well for those of us with Oppositional Defiance Disorder like me and the Chair.

CS: It also doesn't work for those of us who are INFP and I think both Aggie and I are INFP.

Coyote: What's INFP?

CS: A Meyer's Briggs classification.

Coyote: Oh yeah, I think I'm that too.

4D: Well, the schedule works well for me. Knowing that I'm supposed to post something on Sunday allows me to post without worrying about the content. It worked for the Chair a couple of times, he posted things that he might not have otherwise that were really good.

Consensus: 4D will post on Sundays. Everyone else will post whenever they feel like it.

Aggie: She's self-touching.

4D: But it's her leg below the table where he can't see it.

Aggie: Doesn't matter. It's a good sign.

4D: So do you think sex tonight?

CS: No!

Aggie: I think could be.

Coyote: I don't think so with his body language.

4D: I think she'd be ready for it, but he's too nervous to make a move. All these signs that are so clear to us are like a fog to him.

4D: So Conch Shell, is there any chance of you posting again?

CS: "Yes. There is." We have a brief discussion on the mollusk endangerment work that has occupied so much of Conchie's time lately. CS is encouraged to write about how she has dealt with the anxieties surrounding this project.

Consensus: All look forward to CS' return to blogging. 4D and Coyote indicate they are happy to assist with graphical support.

4D: She's paying with a credit card.

Aggie: He paid at the counter.

Coyote: So Dutch treat. Bad sign, right?

4D: [Shrugs] Who knows with kids these days.

The meeting is adjourned.

A new couple takes the table next to the ESI table. He is perhaps ten years older than her.

Coyote: He's dressed like a slob and she's dressed like a model. I don't see this going anywhere.

Wedding Tips

Rather than get annoyed by people smoking cigars and standing in front of my chairs at the Blues Festival, I went to some weddings this past weekend. Lovely affairs, they were, but I have thoughts on how things could be more efficient:

• The Rockcliffe Park Gazebo is a beautiful place for a wedding ceremony, but if you want the Fourth Dwarf to actually get there and not wander around Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, have your wedding in a facility that is served by a bus route.


• If the 3-year-old son of the bride and groom couldn't manage to keep his clothing on during the rehearsal dinner, it is probably a bad idea to give him a baseball bat and ball to play with during the reception.


• You may not really need a photo of the bride and groom with every possible permutation and combination of the wedding guests. But once you have every possible photo shot at the wedding site, you definitely do not need to go to a public garden to get more photos.


• If you're inviting the Fourth Dwarf and he's going to be wandering Rockcliffe for an hour and a half, do not have an open bar.
  

Long-distance Matchmaking

I've been asked to be a matchmaker for people who live thousands of miles apart. One of the matchees (who lives far far away) is a friend of mine who, I believe, does not really want a relationship, but a week of intense shaggery. She has asked me to get in touch with the other matchee who lives here in Ottawa, and, in a very subtle way, to suggest to him that he needs to buy himself an airline ticket, arm himself with a week's worth of condoms, and fly off into shaggerama paradise.

I'm having trouble figuring out how to do this in a subtle way --- ie. without saying "Get your ass off to (redacted) because (redacted) wants to (redacted) your brains out with no strings attached."

Come to think of it, this scenario doesn't really fit into the traditional matchmaking model in which the two matchees are equally ambivalent. The out-of-town matchee is lusting after the Ottawa matchee. So, we're starting out with an imbalance.

As you can see, I need some advice here about how to proceed. Should I:

1) Try to find a subtle way to convince the Ottawa matchee that he needs to head south.

2) Be direct with the Ottawa matchee and tell him that he has great potential for action in foreign lands.

3) Encourage the distant matchee to be her own matchmaker.

4) Encourage the distant matchee to find action in her own town.

5) None of the above.

Book Review: A Guide to the Mannerly Wooing and Winning of the Object of Your Affection

When I opened the door this morning, I found an unmarked manila envelope on the welcome mat. I've had bad experiences opening unmarked containers in the past, but this one looked thin enough that I figured any explosion would only take off the outer layers of my beard. But it was no bomb, instead it was:

A Guide to the Mannerly Wooing and Winning of the Object of Your Affection by Ms. Matilda Manners and Ms. Edwina Etiquette.

It is a well-packed little volume that purports to tell a person how to get themselves that all important first date with the object of their affection. There is an especially large section that our friend Agatha should read titled "The Object of Your Affection at Work". Here is an excerpt:

6. On Flirting

Anthing involving sexual innuendo is strictly off limits if your Object of Affection is working. There is an inherant power imbalance in the server/served, retail whore/customer relationship. You, the customer, hold the power: your Object of Affection must be nice to you or risk getting fired. Your Object of Affection cannot leave if they do not like you.

This guide is not perfect. For example, in the section titled "On Managing Your Peer Group and Your Object of Affection," the authors suggest that if you meet your OA at an event that your friends are attending it is only in a restrict range of circumstances polite to blow off your friends These circumstances include having "established some kind of prior agreement or code" allowing for the OA to take precedence.

Huh? If your friends are too stupid to know that an OA automatically takes precedence, the best way to show them the hierarchy is to blow them off on that rare occasion you have a shot at an OA. They'll figure it out.

I suspect the authors are a pair of hotties who find themselves in situations where there are OAs so often that they'd never spend time with their friends if they didn't set certain limits. They aren't approaching the situation from the perspective of a less-than-tall, more-than-slender, under-employed mineral-extraction-specialist.

That they are hotties is also apparent in the flow chart that constitutes the centre of the volume. Don't get me wrong, it is a major piece of scholarship in dating theory. However they have paths in the chart that lead to boxes that say "Politely request contact information (and then use promptly)". These boxes have only lines that lead to "Date". I can assure Ms M and Ms E that there is another entire module that needs to be inserted after the "Contact Info" box and that "Date" is not the only possibility.