I went to International Talk Like a Pirate Day...

...and when I regained consciousness somebody had dressed me up in this goofy outfit. Next time, I'm sending Fourth Dwarf. He deserves it.

Putting the "Anti" into Social Networking. . .

Mister Sloppy had left an urgent summons in my voicemail. Wise coyotes do not casually deny evil geniuses of his calibre. I hoofed it across Centretown.

When he buzzed me in, I followed the whooping to his secret subterranean lair, where his manic keyboarding – two computers at once – gave me pause. So did the plethora of vintage mega-sized Jolt Cola empties. He only cracks his stash when he's kickin' coding old-school. Which is never good for the state of world.

"Ummm, so, how long you been at this?" I asked.

"Since the Prime Minister got hisself posted on YouTube three days back" he said, keyclacks barely slowing. "If Jurassic politicos are pretending to use social media, it's finally jumped the megashark. They think they’ll go viral, I’ll give ‘em freakin’ viral! It's almost ready!"

"What is, Sloppy?" I asked.

Fevered blue eyes blazed.

"The Next Big Thing!" He purred, grinning, well, evilly. In capital letters. "AntiSocial Media! Facebook and Myspace are tossing net privacy under the bus, people are sick of tweeting, dorks who don't understand social media are trying to warp it back into old paradigms they do understand. So it comes to this! Is my new Antisocial Networking site not genius?"

He waved at his monitors. "Here! You can only set your relationship status to, "Alone", "It's complicated" or "None of your damned business"! It automatically rejects all friend requests! And the only reject options are, "No response"; "Ewwww"; an LMAO emoticon; or an autogenerated phrase saying, "I'd rather...." followed by a random act of self-mutilation!

His speed and pitch rose.

"You can’t control your own friends list, but all other users can remove anyone from it! When you comment on someone's status, or insult ‘em on a comment thread, it’s visible to anyone except them!

"And get this! There's no way to just follow anyone. It's only got a "stalk" option! A bot program pops up your photo on every website they browse. An automatic search for every web photo of them slams together a tribute album site that auto-links to every page that references them. The album background wallpaper can be either candles or hand-scrawled protestations of love.

"And only by paying for a premium license do users gain the power to file virtual restraining orders on their stalkers! But they only limit how many times your stalkers’s pictures pop up on websites you browse – you can never block ‘em entirely! Cool app, or what!!??"

"I love it!" I yelled, trying to match his fevered tone as I edged back up the stairs. "For masochists!"

He didn't notice. At the rate he was going, I figured he might safely pass out in a few hours. At least until I heard another Jolt fizz open. Ol' Slop was bellowing, somewhat musically, something like, "Yo ho ho, I'm gonna rule the w-o-o-oooorld!", as I let myself back out.

I hadda admit right then, that insanity other than my own can be kinda disconcerting...

Breaking News!

Woodsy said...Would Woodsy posting a bosom picture (à la Nursemyra) showing off the special pirate top she wore today in honour of Talk Like a Pirate Day be considered "breaking news"?

Harmony said...
Probably not, Woods. But it would be a rum jury rig to distract the mangy cur Coyote from dominating that niche so much!

Talk Like a Pirate, Y'Scurvy Dog!

Being the nineteenth day of September tis Talk Like a Pirate Day and I, yer faithful Fourth Dwarf, be here to help ye master the lingo.

As ye'll likely not be sailin' off fer adventure and treasure, but sitting in yer government or corporate meeting chamber, here be the proper piratical way of expressin' yer lubberly thoughts.

Landlubber Talk	Shipshape Pirate Talk
We have achieved a positive outcome	We’re bung up and bilge free
We have gained a market advantage over the competition	We’ve sailed to windward and taken their weather guage
Perform a post-project evaluation	Tally up the butcher's bill
Dialogue with a stakeholder	Chew the fat with chummy
We will meet this afternoon	Ye’ll see me when the sun be over the yardarm
A good candidate for senior management	A right smart upper yardman
Recruit new human resources	Pressgang a new crew
We must increase our efforts	We’d best put some wind behind our sails
Acting contrary to the direction of the chief executive	Crossing the bow of the old man
Insufficiently prepared for an unforeseen contingency	There’s the devil to pay and no pitch hot
We shall now adjourn	Hoist the Blue Peter and weigh anchor
Several staff members are asking policy questions	We’ve a few sea lawyers among the hands
Intervene in a consultation without an invitation	Shove an oar in
Reduce quality to increase quantity	Water the grog
An effective temporary measure	A rum jury rig
Cost recovery	Flogging the booty
Reduce overhead to enhance efficiency	Jettison the supercargo
Our initiative failed to meet its planned targets	We were right scuppered
Assert our brand identity	Hoist the Jolly Roger!

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-11-09 Part 2 - Megan's Terms of Reference

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

After working out the contest details, the ESIs turn to a discussion of the Terms of Reference for the Consutancy Contract with an Ottawa Super-Blogger

Chair: I'd like to see bench-marking.

4th Dwarf: A confidentiality clause?

Aggie: She can help us explore the sex angle.

4D: But no ass piracy.

Conch Shell: We don't self-analyze. She should know that.

4D: Maybe we need help with that.

CS: If we think an idea is stupid, we will only attack the idea and not the person.

Chair: Maybe we'll attack the person a little.

Aggie: We will use only "I" statements.

Coyote: For example?

Aggie: "I feel that's fucking stupid."

Coyote: Should we redraw the org chart?

CS: What org chart?

Somebody: exactly.

4D: Does she think there are there other professionals we should consult? Graphics? Publicity?

Aggie: Raw food chefs...

Coyote: Molecular food chefs...

Plates arrive and the meeting is adjourned.