A Muse Yourselves

I have been known to get grumpy with the ESIs over their whining about their missing Muse. I have been know to tell them to, "Get over it!".


Good news darling ESIs! You can now trundle on over to Images on Bank Street where it seems that you can pick out a new muse...

Shannon Tweed vs. Jesus

It's the Big Day folks. She's been hobnobbing around her old haunts the past 48 hours. Hubby has got the big show tonight. He's assured us that his wife has no hard feelings about the proclamation fiasco. As he put it: Not everyone loved Jesus either.

Given Ms. Tweed was a regular staple around the Elgin Street scene of her day, having lived on Frank Street as well as working at the former Peppers, I think she would have made a great Muse for the Irregulars. In her honour, I suggest this day and Ms. Tweed be proclaimed the ESI's Honourary Muse Day.

Getting back to the comparison to Jesus point, lets take stock of these two celebrities and see where the chips fall:

Jesus: Started with 12 followers which evolved into millions
Shannon: Crowned Miss Ottawa Valley 1977 and went on to Playboy
Point: Tie

Jesus: Can walk on water
Shannon: Can walk in 6 inch heels
Point: Jesus (by a margin)

Jesus: 1965 New York Times declared his father dead
Shannon: Playboys 1982 Pet of the Year
Point: Shannon

Jesus: Never once lived in Ottawa yet every Sunday is His day
Shannon: Lived in Ottawa for 4 years but never has had her day
Point: Jesus

Jesus: Died on the cross for our sins
Shannon: Two words: Hef and Gene
Point: Shannon (no one likes a martyr)

Winging off in a New Direction

RNDP 3: Monty's New Dating Paradigm

Monty of Much Ado About Monty... is the third link Google gave me in the quest for a revolutionary new dating paradigm. He is also my favourite of them all. I thought about saving Monty for later, but today really is the day to showcase him.

Just over a year ago, Monty was finding that his dating strategy using Gaydar (eHarmony for non-straights) wasn't working and so he came up with a new plan in a post called Changing tactics...:

I've decided to stop dating a bunch of new guys each week and instead, focus on the guys I've already met. ... I am not dating-with-relationship as the goal, but rather it's more about making friends with the guys I have met. If a relationship is going to happen, it will happen in its own time (and most likely when I least expect it). No use trying to force it - I just need to relax and enjoy the company of these guys!

...Naturally, Monty can't completely change his spots and so to keep things interesting, I'm allowing myself one new guy per week. So, whilst I haven't jumped off the Gaydar merry-go-round completely, I'm at least slowing it down to a more manageable pace. And I'm liking this!

Two weeks later, Monty gave an update in My New Dating Paradigm...:

I've been rabbiting on about my New Dating Paradigm over the last couple of weeks and as everyone is aware, I've not been so successful in sticking to it.

...now, instead of a hard and fast rule of ONE newbie per week, it shall simply be my goal to date only one newbie per week. That way, if I do end up with two or even three newbies in a week, I'll be simply exceeding my goal...

I must say however, that I have succeeded in slowing down the dating merry-go-round and so the NDP is achieving its purpose. I'm having more 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates etc which is much more fun! And I'm getting to know these guys better and becoming friends with them. Life is so much less stressful and I'm definitely not feeling as fatigued as I was when on the merry-go-round. Yay!

Now it is a full year later. How did Monty's new dating paradigm work out? Today his post is titled: The L-Word...

And NO, I'm not becoming a Lesbian! The L-Word I'm referring to is THAT one...yes, dear readers, LOVE!

...it's only since I've been out - 22 months and counting - that I've been open to the idea of a relationship ergo LOVE. And as you, my dear readers, are aware, since then I've certainly been out there trying to find Mr Right - and finding lots of Mr Right Nows (and the odd Mr Oh-What-the-Hell-Were-You-Thinking-Of)! That is, until I met McBrad. Ahhh, the gorgeous McBrad.
...
And so last weekend, we were lying in bed talking - proper serious talking, the relationship kinda stuff - and it just came out - naturally and honestly and soberly! And boy, did it feel good! McBrad obviously liked it and definitely showed me how much he liked it - WOW!!! But I was really happy that I did hold out until I was ready for it. (Not that he pressured me or anything - that was the really nice thing. He wanted me to know how he felt and was happy to wait until I could respond) And now, I just want to keep telling him! I don't of course - don't want to overdo it, but it's just such a liberating thing! I love McBrad!!! And I want eveyone to know! Wahooooo! :-)

4d Analysis: Monty's "old" dating paradigm was to see 3 or 4 new people every week. The "new" dating paradigm was to see 1 or 2 new people every week along with 1 or 2 that he'd been out with before. The new dating paradigm clearly worked for him.

As he is just one person and self-selected rather than randomly selected, we have no statistical confidence that his NDP would work for others. On the other hand, he has demonstrated that his paradigm can work for at least one person. We have no such proof from the authors who brought us the "Feminists in the Office without Chivalry" and "Hooking Up" paradigms.

My New Blog Crush: Kady O'Malley

Sorry, Tiana, you're looking better than ever, but I have a new blogging crush. Kady O'Malley at Inside the Queensway has been blogging Parliament Hill for Macleans Magazine since last July. In the fall she began live-blogging committee meetings with her Blackberry.

I've been enjoying her postings, skimming through some of the longer blow-by-blow accounts, but enjoying her enthusiasm and amused view of proceedings.

But then a couple of weeks ago, she started doing video commentary with her phone-cam and uploading them to Youtube and I was moved to infatuation. How blown was my infatuation? Full.

Here she is in the Driveway of Power:

Another classic is "There's no good reason why this meeting is in camera."

[p.s. Have you noticed that "mainstream media" bloggers have awful blogs from the standpoint of sidebar content? No profile links, no "top posts", no linkrolls, no tag clouds, no photo albums?]

[p.p.s. If our anonymous CBC commenter the other day was Hallie Cotnam, I just want to say "sorry, I've moved on" to you also.]

[p.p.p.s. To the young lady I have plans with for Friday night, don't worry, we're still on. ]

ESI Emergency Meeting Minutes

In Attendance: Coyote, Independent Observer, Agatha, Conch Shell,Fourth Dwarf (late, with justification). Guests: Crazy Hat (left early), Painted Stick (arrived shortly before end)

Conch Shell offers to take minutes. 4D and others laugh and mention how she never posted the last time she took the minutes. Coyote says CS will have to offer up assurances. CS offers to pay for a round of alcoholic drinks at the next Emergency Meeting if she doesn't post the minutes. It's agreed.

Agatha asks that the minutes reflect that Coyote brought red marshmallow hearts for the group, expressing love toward us all.

Meeting items begin.

IO presents his [redacted] to 4D for the [redacted]. Others are given a deadline extension of a week.

CS inquires if Z is a [redacted.] 4D explains she's too nice. Coyote mentions she called the cover band by the wrong name when she linked to them, further evidence that she isn't one of them.

Move ahead to the main item: the Appearance and Disappearance of [redacted]. CS wonders about the timing of it all, considering that it existed for months when we didn't know about it, but when we find it (Thanks, Aggie!) and begin to enjoy it, within two weeks it's gone.

Aggie: "Is it a Conspiracy?"

All ESIs insist that none of them did anything this time to ruin it for the others. Coyote points out that [redacted] showed her more readers were seeing it, plus she had friends warning her. This makes sense to us. 4D comments that he liked the message of [redacted] being [redacted].

IO puts on Larry King persona and asks: "What is her frame of mind, in one word?"

CS: "Consistent".

ESIs agree that it was enjoyable while it lasted.

Coyote comments that in his experience every woman calls her ex a narcissist. When ESIs attempt to draw personal examples from Coyote's own past, he refuses to indulge. Coyote adds that his canine nose sniffed out that this was an inappropriate relationship from the start, and he didn't think she should go on dates with [redacted] in the first place. 4D says that we all knew it was going to be a disaster, therefore Coyote doesn't deserve a bone. Aggie says she didn't know it would end so fast. Coyote blathers on generally about the rebound/needing time phenomenon. Everybody ignores him, as is usual when he gets onto this topic.

CS asks about whether [redacted] might become a lesbian now, considering all these disappointments. 4D says a lesbian fling is a possibility because all modern women are bisexual. He then asks CS and Aggie to comment on this. They don't.

4D returns tiresomely to the narcissism discussion and points out that narcissism can be relation-based. For instance, if a man is not that into his partner of the moment, he won't be that focused on her, but on himself -- classic narcissism. Coyote furthers that when a man plays a musical instrument or other entertainment tool for a long time, he should pay attention to when his audience gets bored.

Meeting digression: Clinton/Obama? Ann Coulter, Yuck. Is the U.S. anti-English monarchy or just anti-taxation? No decision taken.

[Redacted]: Sorry or Not?
Coyote says [redacted]. Aggie says [redacted]. 4D says it was a facebook problem, not a blog one.

Ethical Discussion of the Day: [Redacted] . . . can we metablog her? 4D points out that we periodically metablog others like Zoom and Megan. Aggie wonders if she'll get scared and delete her blog? It's pointed out that she's writing a book on her blog subject(!!!!) ESIs agree that it's about balance. Anyway, only the Fifth Muse has inspired us as obsessively, and that's unlikely to change. ESIs agree to test-metablog her through these minutes. All feel her date wasn't very successful, and think it good that Three Date Man was honest with her.

Aggie says online dating is depressing and degrading: suggests instead that all hopefuls go to Venus Envy, get some good electronics, and adopt cats. She insists this is what she'd do, if she were [redacted].

CS interrupts: "Let the minutes reveal that IO is blackberrying"

Some Hon. ESIs: "Bad form!!!" IO asks when that was decided.

Group discusses Rebecca Eckler's blog and the finer points of emotional voyeurism. ESIs then congratulate Zoom over her best blog posting awards. 4D states that the knitting bloggers had a lock on the awards, that it was a conspiracy, and a future blog entry will be dedicated to this.

Aggie wants to discuss the Bank Street Irrelevants. "They're trying hard."
IO: "Why?"

It's declared that they're like a [redacted] cover-band, are having a good time, and some ESIs are happy for them.

This brings the conversation around to music, the nature of compliments and insults, and their relativity. It's revealed that IO is a fan of the [redacted] without having ever heard them. CS thinks one can't be a fan in such a scenario. 4D believes IO can be a true fan, just by understanding the concept. CS comments that this is as hollow as an empty shell. Others ignore CS and comment that IO should look the part of [redacted] when he's their [redacted].

Aggie points out that she deleted [redacted] because it revealed [redacted] about [redacted ].

Next Agenda Item: status of our blog & Google search hits. 4D says it's a good blog and he's happy with the postings lately. He likes the Word Cop part, because [redacted] loves it. Coyote states that our #1 Google search hit is for "high maintenance women". 4D loudly takes credit for the posting, and reveals Google ranking tricks: the posting is titled "high maintenance women" and it links to other sites about "high maintenance women". Coyote states that "Mumumelon" is our second mopst popular Google hit, and yoga booty ballet is a distant third. We used to get more hits for yoga.

With all topics covered, we move to Action Items:

Aggie states the next meeting should involve discussion on how to make ESI the most popular blog ever, so we can make money and retire. 4D mentions that CS needs to write up the minutes.

Resolved: That at some point in the future we will discuss creating the Elgin Street Institute, as another moneymaker.

Meeting Adjourned.

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 27 September 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Conch Shell, Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha (no guests)
Absent with good excuse and notice: Independent Observer
Absent with possibly good excuse but no notice: The Chair
Emergency: Blog in Peril and Meta-Contest
Called by: Agatha
Minutes by: 4D

1. Quorum Count

Those present express their hopes that the IO is enjoying and making good progress on his research mission. Coyote suggests that the Chair is likely engaged in activities that all agree would be noble and an acceptable excuse for absence if we had been notified. There was no motion for censure.

4D points out an attractive young man and woman at a nearby table "do you think they are on a lavalife date?" Consensus: Yes.

4D asks "Did he bring the bicycle seat? If so, is that wise for a first date?"

Agatha, CS and Coyote think it is fine. 4D maintains that it hampers his ability to take her back to her place, share a cab or walk with her after the date. Plus, it draws attention to his possible lack of a car and likely anal retentiveness that he worries about his seat and flasher being stolen.

Agatha and CS note that the woman's skirt is not a good one for cycling, but that the seat and post are so much on her side of the table that it suggests it is hers. Agatha: "Of course, the seat is a phallic symbol."

Coyote: Then what would the rear flasher be?

Conch Shell: A clitoris.

2. The Meta -Contest

4D reviews the contest entries. Each entry is discussed in detail and a winner is chosen.

Aggie: "Do you notice the possible height difference?" All agree that it looks like the woman might be taller than the man. This and her striking beauty may explain why the man seems a bit nervous.

4D: "This could mean that it is not a Lavalife date. Lavalife lets people search on height. It might be OKCupid or Facebook.

3. The Blog in Peril

Aggie: Do we shut down our side projects?

4D admits that all he is doing at Swabbin' th' Deck these days is posting Google poems and he'd put them on the ESI blog but he wasn't sure the others wanted him to. Agatha tells 4D that she loves his Google poems especially the recent one dedicated to Conch Shell. Coyote says, "yeah they're good." Conch Shell indicates that she would probably like them if she had time to read them. With this outpouring of encouragement, 4D announces that he will stop posting on his side project and only post here.

In discussing Coyote's Screeching Orb Singing Moon, Coyote tells us that the work he posts there is written in a different voice and for a different purpose than what he posts on our blog. We all nod in an understanding way and press the poet no further.

4D notes that some of Aggie's postings on the Elgin Street Muse could be posted on ours, while many seem more suited to being on her own personal blog. We have a brief discussion about the difference between the two types of posting, being careful not to say anything that turns Aggie's quivering lower lip into outright crying.

Consensus: 4D will put all his work on ESI, Coyote is already carrying his weight here, Aggie should continue to place her fabulous postings wherever she thinks is best.

Aggie: Now he's playing with the tail light.

CS: You know what that means.

Coyote: Huh? What?

4D: He knows where it is and he knows what to do with it.

CS: Do we need another muse?

All agree that we do, but they are hard to find. 4D suggests that people just aren't baring their souls on the web like they used to. They've learned that as anonymously as they do it, they'll get outed and suffer for it. Aggie: "There are still exhibitionists out there."

Consensus: We will keep looking and perhaps blog more of our search.

Aggie: She's talking about her mother.

CS: Oh that's good.

4D: Oh, yes, very good. Unlike if he was talking about his mother.

Invite someone else to join the blog?

Shying away from this can of worms, we discuss the possibility of instead just inviting one or two of our favourite bloggers to an Emergency Meeting. 4D notes that two of them gave a workshop on blogging on the weekend. "Perhaps we could bring one of them in as a consultant, kind of like when he brought in the Ethics Consultant. They could give us advice on tuning up the blog or finding a new direction." Coyote: "A change management consultant. I like that."

Consensus: We will mull this idea over and come back to it at the next Emergency Meeting.

Aggie: She's flirting with [the waiter]. Nice touch.

All agree.

4D: What about the Schedule?

Aggie: The schedule really doesn't work well for those of us with Oppositional Defiance Disorder like me and the Chair.

CS: It also doesn't work for those of us who are INFP and I think both Aggie and I are INFP.

Coyote: What's INFP?

CS: A Meyer's Briggs classification.

Coyote: Oh yeah, I think I'm that too.

4D: Well, the schedule works well for me. Knowing that I'm supposed to post something on Sunday allows me to post without worrying about the content. It worked for the Chair a couple of times, he posted things that he might not have otherwise that were really good.

Consensus: 4D will post on Sundays. Everyone else will post whenever they feel like it.

Aggie: She's self-touching.

4D: But it's her leg below the table where he can't see it.

Aggie: Doesn't matter. It's a good sign.

4D: So do you think sex tonight?

CS: No!

Aggie: I think could be.

Coyote: I don't think so with his body language.

4D: I think she'd be ready for it, but he's too nervous to make a move. All these signs that are so clear to us are like a fog to him.

4D: So Conch Shell, is there any chance of you posting again?

CS: "Yes. There is." We have a brief discussion on the mollusk endangerment work that has occupied so much of Conchie's time lately. CS is encouraged to write about how she has dealt with the anxieties surrounding this project.

Consensus: All look forward to CS' return to blogging. 4D and Coyote indicate they are happy to assist with graphical support.

4D: She's paying with a credit card.

Aggie: He paid at the counter.

Coyote: So Dutch treat. Bad sign, right?

4D: [Shrugs] Who knows with kids these days.

The meeting is adjourned.

A new couple takes the table next to the ESI table. He is perhaps ten years older than her.

Coyote: He's dressed like a slob and she's dressed like a model. I don't see this going anywhere.

Begging for Metablogging

I've been trying not to metablog both Jo Stockton and Asteroidea, but with Jo Stockton's announcement that she is moving into the apartment next to Asteroidea's, [the announcement], I've just got to ask, is this where they jump the shark? or will it become a whole new level for us to appreciate?

Jo has compared it to Mary Tyler Moore, but that analogy fails because the show started with them being in the same building, and when Rhoda was well enough established, Rhoda moved away to her own show.

This is more like Mary Tyler Moore moving in to an apartment building with Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett. (If Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett were people who told you about their first orgasms.)

Also, Mary Tyler Moore didn't have bats.

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 20 March 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Conch Shell, Fourth Dwarf, The Independent Observer, Coyote (guest: Painted Stick) Late with no excuse: Eigga
Absent with no excuse: The Chair
Emergency: The Usual
Called by and Minutes by: 4D

1. Agatha's new direction

4D: Introduces the topic, asks how people feel about Eigga's new direction.

Eigga: It's "Aye-ga", not "Eee-ga".

Coyote: Suggests that this pronunciation should be comfortable for the dwarf given his nautical leanings.

CS, PS, IO: Huh? What are you talking about?

Eigga: Explains to those who cannot be troubled to keep up to date on important goings-on about her name change and the journey she is on.

CS: So you're giving away all your stuff? or selling it?

4D looks eagerly for the answer.

Eigga: I'll be putting it in storage.

4D: You aren't really giving up your material possessions if they're in a storage locker.

Coyote: Sorry, dwarf, you're not getting her art.

[The remainder of the discussion revolves around what arrangements can be made for Eigga's feline companion. CS insists he has lost weight, all others insist that this is not the case, and that in fact what has happened is that Conchie's feline companion has become morbidly obese.]

2. Weight Pulling

4D introduces the topic. CS and IO look sheepish.

Coyote: I've been reluctant to post because no-one else has been posting.

4D: That is lame.

Coyote: Well, I was the last one to post.

4D: Oh, all right.

Eigga: I got my own thing going on.

Others: Oh, right, your solo project. [Various supportive comments are made about Eigga's blog.]

4D: What if we were each assigned a day of the week to put up a posting. There's five of us, seven days. (actually, there are 6 ESIs) If it's not your day and you want to post something, that's fine. If it is your day and you don't post, well so be it, but we know who to point the finger at.

Coyote and IO nod.

Conch Shell: I like that idea.

Eigga: I don't know...

4D: So, the people who hardly ever blog are in favour, but the one person here who puts up a posting nearly every day isn't sure?

Eigga: But that's different. [Various supportive comments are made about Eigga's blog.]

While a rambling discussion takes place in which various members demonstrate their placement on the Attention Deficit spectrum, 4D canvases the group about which days they would want if we tried this system. In between discussing an ESI university and Conchie's upcoming voyages, the following assignments are made or requested.

Saturday - ???
Sunday - Fourth Dwarf
Monday - Eigga
Tuesday - Coyote
Wednesday - Independent Observer
Thursday - Conch Shell
Friday - the Chair

4D: This works nicely, I like that the Chair has "the hammer" so he can bring it all home at the end of the work-week. [4D explains the curling reference and a general discussion takes place of what it would be like if curling metaphors replaced football metaphors in politics. Example: so-and-so was dropped from the cabinet because he just couldn't get his rocks in the house.]

3. Harmony disses the Usual Spot

4D: Asks if the group should take an official position on Harmony suggesting the Usual Spot has gone downhill. [4D does not even bother to note that it was a groundless accusation, completely without foundation.]

Coyote: I don't think her blog has much street cred.

4D notes the remark, others express surprise that Coyote would be so blunt, Coyote dissembles that he really meant that he suspected her readership is low. A consensus arises to let it go.

4. Other Business

CS: Juniper has moved, its location is up for rent. Right next to the new GCTC location. We could take over the lease. We just need somebody to man it.

ESIs look around the table to see if anyone feels like "manning" a restaurant. Nobody volunteers.

Eigga: I like the idea of an ESI university.

CS: There has to be some way we can make money with blogging.

4D suggests putting ads on the blog. IO suggests he would find this distasteful. Eigga suggests that the topic would require a whole other meeting.

CS: I just went to the dentist for the first time in six years. No cavities and no tartar.

4D expresses his surprise as he flosses every day and sees his dentist every six months yet still has tartar.

CS: Do you use an electric toothbrush?

4D admits he does not. Coyote and others extoll the glories of electric toothbrushes. CS then describes a procedure her dentist suggested for replacing grey tooth enamel that creeped out the entire group.

Eigga: I like the idea of an ESI university.

The others finally agree that it is a brilliant idea.

Coyote: If you were involved with this school wouldn't that cause an ethical problem with your current employer?

Eigga: Ethics, shmethics.

IO: We should all teach something unrelated to our skills.

CS: So you wouldn't teach astronomy?

IO: Right. I could maybe teach terrorist skills.

IO withdraws this suggestion after others suggest it would be a bad idea to put a "terrorist skills" class in the course calendar.

4D suggests he'd like to see computer games where players learn so much while playing them that they could receive academic credit.

Coyote: Should we be accredited or non-accredited?

There is general consensus that being accredited would be too much trouble.

4D: Should we be something other than a "university"? Like maybe an "academy".

The others agree that it would be better to be an academy, institute or something else, with institute having the strongest support. No decision is reached on whether it should be IESI or ESII.

Not long after, the ESIs part, noting an intelligently-cute couple playing travel scrabble in the corner.

Finding a New Muse

It's clear that I'm not cutting it as the Stand-in Muse. I've done what I could, but clearly it's not working out. The Intimacy Challenge was a failure. My content lately has been as dull as dishwater. The pressure of being the stand-in muse has really been too much for me.
It seems the likelihood of the 5th Muse's return is slim to none.
I have a few suggestions of people and ideas for the new Muse position:
1) Conch Shell: Many have complained that she hasn't pulled her weight on this metablog. Maybe she has been waiting for the moment to be asked to be the New Muse.
2) Megan: This lovely young woman knows how to get intimate -- if intimacy is what you want.
3) Heather Armstrong: She's famous, so maybe we'd become famous by association.
4) A male blogger: Maybe our focus on finding a female muse has blinded us to some of the Ottawa, postmodern boy bloggers out there who are working through relationship issues, intimacy, and life's struggles.