Probably only coincidence

Inquiring coyotes can't help noticing how carefully all the government news releases, media stories and pundits have been pussyfooting around the suspicious confluence of today's two great television events: the fact that August 31, 2011 is the, ummm, drop-dead date stamped upon not only the Great Digitul Switchover, but CTV News anchor Lloyd Robertson's retirement from the 'lectronical firmament.



Both huge! Both televisiony! Has nobody but me connected the two? Even though they hover blatantly in front of us like giant hi-def bats, everybody is carefully pretending they aren't in the room.



(In related news, coyotes are mourning the loss of analog rabbit ears. Digital ones are practically inedible. I digress. Ahem.)



Anyway, it's probably nothing for torch-carrying global villagers across the nation to worry about. However. An ever more parchment-complexioned Lloyd has been calling late night TV bingo for so unnaturally long that even people that don't believe in the undead, openly call him "Count Floyd" to his face now.



So those of us attuned to the semimythical realms, while not feeling certain about this one (Call it a theory. Like economics. I digress again.) suspect pretty strongly that vampires, whom everyone knows cannot be seen in mirrors, may also be incapable of manifesting themselves on digital TV. So, perfect time to retire.



Ummm. Probably only coincidence. But I'm just sayin'...

So, love...?

The Elgin Street Irregulars once had a thing or six to say about the psychology of relationships. It was a forte. We semimythical coyotes haven't gone there in quite awhile. Lately we've preferred a surreal playground of our own making.

But hey. It's the black depths of January and even my splendiferous new Coyotie Blankie is a few R-values short of adequate. As Winnipeggers say whenever the frost is this bitter: "Cold enough to freeze the balls off the Golden Boy." Ottawa, at this moment, is probably freezing the balls off the Famous Five...

I digress. How inappropriate. Probably brain-freeze.

Anyway, this weekend, with Valentine's Day on the horizon, and likely an election also, the PM, in an intimate heart-to-heart with about 600 hand-picked clapping seals party faithful, told the country that no one loves it more than his government. Well, except, maybe, him.

He loves the country so much, in fact, he can't bear to think of it going out with anyone else. He loves it so much, he wants a parliamentary majority so he can change it completely, to suit himself. I imagine that he believes with every fibre of his fibreglass hair that Canada would love him right back if only it would do exactly what he says.

Canada, can we talk? Now is a good time for you to checklist, honestly, how many of the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship the guy has displayed in the last five years. I'm just sayin'...

"Smartest guy in the room"

We coyotes understand that reviewers of Stately Glob columnist Lawrence Martin's new book about Stephen Harper have latched onto the PM's venom toward small and large-L liberals as noteworthy.

It is, not because it's anything new, but because it helps begin to explain the current malaise in this country's political landscape. The fact that Conservatives' main rebuttal so far is to label Mr. Martin a "large-L liberal sympathizer", like that alone should fully explain and dismiss his findings, just underlines it.

The PM, portrayed by his fan(s?) as the "smartest guy in the room" is indeed a great one for convoluted trickiness. Yet uncompromising tactics ranging from within the pale to, ummm, less so, all aimed at, quote, "killing the Liberal brand", have done little but shoot up his feet, and the rest of the place. That's a problem, not just for his political fellows who lust after that elusive parliamentary majority, but for the country.

Us coyotes have seen plenty of smartest guys in the room screw up royally through lack of wisdom. I could get all semimythically pedantic here about the ginormous abyss separating "smart" and "wise", but just gimme that one for argument's sake. I'm busy making a point, here.

Which is that any political guy who's so heavily invested in the tenet that all other political stripes in a democracy are the work of the Antichrist, to be seared from the face of the earth with brimstone, is no friend of the nation. Kicking that warm, fuzzy little dream out to its (il)logical extreme, while no doubt heady to some party hacks, has little to do with democracy. Or the reasonable checks and balances on power that help sustain it. For the democratic experiment to remain on the level, conservative yin needs liberal yang. Or vice versa. We coyotes are hazy on eastern religious concepts. We come from someplace else.

The parliamentary democracy that has evolved over the better part of a thousand years works best when players are flexible. That means taking the time to understand other viewpoints, respect for those outside your policy hothouse, and seeing the good of the nation - and all the diverse people and viewpoints it comprises - as the big-picture goal.

We coyotes like to keep our yellow eyes fixed on the big picture. Ya kinda hafta, watching six millenniums' worth of evolving human shenanigans. It's that, or rump of skunk and madness.

One of that grande vista's truisms is that any one national leader seldom bears in huge ways on citizens' personal lives, unless he/she is truly, determinedly awful. Oh. And true awfulness can be attained by chasing partisan goals to the exclusion of everything else, including actual, considered governance. Considered governance which, one might think, would be the point of being a prime minister.

I'm just sayin'...

Court strikes down prostitution law...

...Tories react predictably

Original story here.
Zoom's cogent analysis here.

Canada Day, 2010...

...have a good one.

Missing the Chinook

Know first that I detest wind.

But yesterday's sodden nearspring snowstorm in Ottawa reminds me that I still miss Alberta's Chinook. Another name, Snow Eater, is disputed, but it's apt. A Chinook shrieking from its characteristic arched mouth of clouds on the western horizon devours snow. Somewhere into a third week of unrelenting hundred-kilometre winds, when your eyes fill with dry grit, you feel as if it gnaws your brain, too.

But I remember standing one year in a late January field, after weeks of singing, minus-thirty cold, feeling my lungs crack with each breath, when the crystallized air changed. The arch opened over the mountains, iciness suddenly softened.

I stood still, in stillness, feeling warmth begin to breathe around me for three-quarters of an hour. The temperature rose a degree a minute. The last moments, I could hear water starting to run under the snow. When the banshee wind finally pounced, the air temperature was well above zero.

I detest wind. But that dead of winter memory — less than an hour of moistening, warming, impossibly tropical stillness, is magic I hold close.

Image: Ann Kelliot's Photostream on Flickr

Let the real games begin...

If you just immigrated from a cannibal galaxy to pose as an earthling, I'll give you a big hand and tell you that today marks the beginning of The Games That Must Not Be Named.©®™*

Only yesterday I was telling the Independent Observer how torn I felt. I can, and do, admire the single-minded focus and dedication of athletes that train for years to compete. And their overarching efforts in the sporting events themselves.

But the arguably corrupt organization of entitled minor ex-aristocrats behind them, and the overburden of corporate sponsors jostling to noodge as much reflected glory as possible away from these athletes? Not so much.

And the blank-eyed Prime Minister with the Fiberglas©®™ hair who plans a big post-prorogue poll bounce in the happily-ever-after of Canadian athletes (completely unconnected with himself) winning a buncha bent gold gongs, not at all.

So it is with a song on my lips and a smile in my heart that I open the ESI Olympic Non-Specific Scandal watch. Things are interesting already. We have the usual 30-odd garden-variety doping bans (not us, so far, eh?) meted out before that big flame even fired up. Performance-enhancing drugs are so 90s. Everybody does 'em. Can we just ignore that aspect and move on? Please? They're an inconvenient distraction. Not at all what we meant by Citius, Altius, Fortius. At least not originally...

But just out of the starting gate, we also have a wild Canadian accusation that the German luge team is using magnets in its sleds. Somehow.

Rapidly followed by official denials all 'round, from the Germans and the sport's international sanctioning body.

As a semimythical coyote of wily but small brain, I'm totally unclear on any, ummm, actual science-y thingies involved. So, apparently, were the accusers. But, hey, that didn't stop the story from bucketing out of the starting gate faster than sledders themselves.

There has been speculation in some parts that this is part of a psychological campaign to strike fear into the hearts of our sledding opposition and unbalance their sang-froid. Unfortunately, they ain't the ones lookin' unbalanced at the moment. Obviously, the PM excepted, Canadians are so amateur at this mind-game stuff. Must do better! Or as we coyotes always say, citius, altius, fortius...!

* Unless You're A Shill An Official Sponsor Whose International Corporation Has Paid A Whack Of Blackmail Money To The Private Club of Crepuscular Old Men Who Run The Franchise As A Personal Fiefdom

Ottawa's anti-prorogue rally

Ottawa's prorogue protest, timed to coincide with several dozen across the country today, wasn't exactly slick. It was long. The student cheer leaders were endearingly amateur. A speaker or two wandered lengthily off-track. And there looked to be a lot of ad-hoc cooks trying to salt their own spice into the bouillabaisse.

But ya know what? If it had all been slick clockwork, I would have been more concerned. That might've meant some oily pro had pumped backroom grease into what looks to be real Facebook populism, rising spontaneously among concerned citizens.

Ya know what else? It was big. Far larger than the coalition rally after Prime Minister Stephen Harper prorogued in late 2008.

Even so, I heard a trio that looked like pro journalists, asking each other as pros are sometimes wont, if there was any story.

We coyotes, amateur and unjournalistic to a fault, would say there is. It is this: Anger and frustration over Harper's cynical manipulation of the democratic process in general and the prorogation card in particular is grassroots, authentic, and to be reckoned with.

If no smooth professional political types are involved yet, it may well be because the PM's disregard for the niceties of traditional politesse confounded and hamstrung them.

But while he smugly ties Parliament in knots, apparently he forgets that the real power of this country rests in many millions of people who, while they may never step onto the Hill, care deeply that what goes on there should be aboveboard. Especially when somebody starts jacking around with it too much. There's irony in self-anointed populists being bitten by the populace they claim to represent. Based on today's event, the PM might do well to remember that. If he ever got it in the first place.

A national stamp of approval

Let's face it. All this Obamamania is making us Canadians envious.

But our politicians just don't have that kinda sizzle. Elevating them to hero status? Puh-leeze. A recent poll showed many people had trouble naming our first and arguably most visionary prime minister, Sir John A. Macdonald.

Even our national icons get no respect. Writer and activist June Callwood once lamented, "The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off its own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees."

So let's pause for a moment, stop chewing our nether regions, and honour the true Canadian heroes of peace, order and good government by unveiling the first in a series of ESI postage stamps.

Moisten your tongue and get ready to lick The Deputy Ministers.

Talk to The Hand

After one of the wilder weeks in Canadian political history, early pundications suggest the PM outmaneuvered his coalition opponents. The right-leaning ones say this makes him a freakin' genius.

Over the longer term, I'm not so sure. He needed to fuel a huge ideological shit storm to survive - on top of dropping the cynical fiscal stink bomb that started the Houseparty in the first place.

Fans of 60s cinema recall that Dr. Strangelove had an "alien hand". He claimed to be a reconstructed democrat, but The Hand was an unreconstructed Nazi bent on world destruction. Such that, whenever the doc talked about how to pull the world back from the edge of annihilation, The Hand leaped up to strangle him.

I'm starting to see a mental version of The Hand behind the PM's actions. Every time his mouth shapes even mild conciliation toward non-conservatives, this thing leaps out, gibbering, to smash the thought and sow chaos. He can't help it. It's bred in the bone. Given a choice between statesmanship and cheap shots at political opponents, his deepest instinct is to try to lull 'em just long enough to line up a better kick at their goolies. It's a strange way to build consensus - or a nation. And all the more marked for its contrast with recent events to the south of us.

I've said before that I think the guy played too many world-domination-themed board games in his geeky undergrad dorm. He can't drop the short sighted mindset of 'screw everybody to win the game'. And he surrounds himself only with like-minded gamesters.

So for him to reach across the (now padlocked) floor with conciliaTory words, after the week that was, seems even more disingenuous than blue sweater vests or platitudes about new eras of cooperation. You know, the things that preceded the tone-deafness of his infamously partisan fiscal update. His return to sweet reason seems perfunctory to the point of disinterest. I suspect that as with every preceding example we have available, he won't be bothered to fake it for any longer than he has to. In a crisis, he thinks he can outsmart anybody. Trouble is, his own lousy instincts have sparked the fuses on most of the country's recent crises.

Thing about classic movies, is that the guys who wrote them know their drama. (So do 6,000 year old, semi-mythical coyotes. We had drive-ins back west, y'know... and, it seems, longer memories and better civics lessons than much of the Canadian electorate. I digress.) The central figures in Greek and Shakespearean tragedy all have fatal flaws. Some far less obvious than the PM's metaphorical hand. I worry that this has the makings of a G(r)eek tragedy for Canada.

Breaking News: les drôles amies tell PM to take his prorogue and...

A PM gets his highly irregular prorogue. Three Coalition leaders hit a noon rally on Parliament Hill and vow to remain coalesced. And to keep swinging. The second-guessing and chivvying begins. So, everybody, get your coveralls and umbrellas ready. I hear Mr. Harper's well-oiled, well-financed platoon of motorized manure spreaders idling just offstage. And Mr Layton's motormouth just beginning to warm up. The upshot? Dunno. The only certainties are that it's gonna be a long six weeks until parliament is recalled. And that it's going to get ugly...er.

Fringe Festival

The latest polls seem to be pointing to the return of the Conservatives to government, the only debate being whether they get a majority or a minority. So unless you are in a swing riding, your vote is pretty much useless at this point.

But all is not lost. The fringe candidates could use your support. Getting 10% of the vote helps them in getting a refund on their expenses. And remember: there was a time when the Green Party was considered fringe in this land. Here is the field of local fringe candidates:

Ottawa Centre

John Andrew Akpata (Marijuana Party)

This isn’t John’s first run for the job of Ottawa-Centre MP. He got 387 votes in the last election. In 2004, he got 495 votes when he ran in Ottawa South. It’s clear that John needs to move his campaign further south (not north) to where the grow-ops constituency can give him a bigger mandate. Dave’s not here, man.

Pierre Soublière (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

Ottawa-Centre is one of the few ridings that consistently fields a Communist candidate in an election. Their official name is the Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) and it should not be confused with the Communist Party of Canada which has also fielded candidates in Ottawa-Centre in the past. For me, this has led to considerable choice confusion as to which brand of communism I should support. Sadly, such confusion has invariably led to splitting the Commie vote in the riding. According to wiki, the party membership seems to be active with postal workers which probably explains the Kim Jong-il commemorative stamp coming out next month.

Ottawa-Vanier

Christian Legeais (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

According to Christian Legeais, the MLPC stands for sovereignty, the affirmation of rights and democratic renewal. It opposes the restructuring of the state to facilitate annexation to the U.S., monopoly right, fascism and war. Christian is recognized for his work in the defence of the rights of all and his opposition to the U.S. "war on terror" and the occupation of Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and Haiti. I once dated a woman with the same profile. She was also a bit of a pill.

Michel St-Onge (Canadian Action Party)

Where were you when the planes hit the twin-towers? The Canadian Action Party wants to know. And they want the Government to investigate why you were so conspicuously absent from lower Manhattan that day. Where were you? Tell us. Who called you? Michel claims to have grown up with an older sister and had what some would call a “normal” childhood (his quotes). I thought I grew up with a “normal” childhood. My close friends tell me otherwise.

Robert Taylor-Larter (Independent)

I’ll leave it to our colleague here to explain Mr. Taylor-Larter’s background. All I can add is that there is very little on the web about this guy, which has me worried. I’m hoping that at one of the all-candidates meetings, Michel can cross-examine Robert on his whereabouts on September 11, 2001, and he better have a good alibi.

Ottawa West – Nepean

Alex McDonald (Communist Party of Canada)

Alex works as a taxi driver in a small community near Ottawa. He’s the only candidate for the Communist Party of Canada in the Ottawa region. The leader of the party is Miguel Figueroa. Too bad the Communists don’t have a prayer’s chance of winning. Prime Minister Miguel Figueroa has a nice resonance to it. Canadians need to shed that white bread, Fred MacMurray image. You know a guy named Miguel wouldn't be caught dead in a cardigan.

David Page (Independent)

The Ottawa Sun’s Ron Corbett met up with Page recently.

Page certainly has credentials: MA, M.Ed. MBA, and a recently acquired law degree. He has three promises that can be found on his MySpace page:

To faithfully represent the interests of my constituents and to help them with their dealings with the federal government

To represent the interests of the citizens of Ottawa to the federal government and to cooperate with other members of Parliament from the Ottawa area, and;

To do everything in my power to help address the clear and present dangers posed by global warming.

It all sounds too earnest for a politician. Cooperation with other members of Parliament? That isn’t going to get you any sound bites from Question Period.

Ottawa-South

Jean-Serge Brisson (Libertarian Party of Canada)

Jean-Serge “the Rad Man” Brisson is running for the Libertarian Party of Canada in Ottawa South. He claims to have been inspired to join the Libertarians after the introduction of compulsory metrification in Canada in the early 1980s. The Libertarians have a fairly straightforward platform: get rid of Government except for basic civil protection issues. Brisson claims to have never collected the federal Goods and Services Tax (GST) for his radiator repair business as he refuses to recognize the Government’s imposition of it.That’s rad, man!

Al Gullon (Progressive Canadian Party)

The PC Party still exists - sort of. Elections Canada forced the rebels that refused to merge with the Reformers to find a new party name. Its leader is Sinclair Stevens. They think Harper is in cahoots with the Bloc to bust up Canada. They’re probably right. But I mean, really, Sinclair Stevens? It’s so 1980s. I really can’t go back. Rugger pants. Leather ties. Men Without Hats. I can’t.

Stormont-Dundas

Dwight Dugas (Canadian Action Party)

In his own words:

Shortly after being tear gassed and shot at with "non-lethal" weapons, I contacted CAP to register as a candidate in the next federal election. Not long after I received a phone call from Connie Fogal and was accepted as the candidate for S.D & SG.

I’m all for democratic processes, but I think the initiation rights for the Canadian Action Party are a little extreme.

Howard Galganov (Independent)

According to his website, we live in a topsy-turvy world and Howard is going to help us cut through the fog. Some of that fog has to do with Canada’s bilingualism policies. Howard also doesn’t believe in reasonable accommodation. Come to my country and become like us. Don’t expect us to become like you.

If Aboriginal/First-Nations people had the same attitude a few hundred years ago, I guess I’d be living in a tee-pee and speaking Cree. But what form of Cree would be the official languages? Central? Plains? Eastern Algonquian? You see, Howard, no matter what, we’re going to have a language debate in this country.

Call her first, she may be in curlers...

From the Chair's inbox:

Public events for September 7, 2008

5 September 2008

Ottawa, Ontario

Public event for Prime Minister Stephen Harper for Sunday, September 7th is:

Ottawa

8:05 a.m. – Prime Minister Stephen Harper will leave 24 Sussex en route to Rideau Hall to meet with Governor General Michaëlle Jean to ask her to dissolve the 39th Parliament for an election call October 14th, 2008.

24 Sussex
Ottawa, Ontario

* Open to Media *

Coming soon: The Chair's Guide to the Federal Election

Ooh! Noisy airplanes!

Hello... Newman.

Back in the Pleistocene epoch, before Allan Fotheringham became a geriatric nincompoop, and still occasionally sparked up an original neuron or two, he labelled Ottawa "The Town That Fun Forgot". He never stopped calling it that. He aspired to poophood very early on.

Well, I beg to differ. Nuthin' says fun to ardent Ottawankers like an inaugural national teevee newscast right from the Winterlude stage on the canal. Yup, that's right, as of Monday, Canwest Global TV anchor Kevin Newman, late of Vancouver, is now desking the network's evening Global National newscast right here in Fun City, every night.

Since there were general invites to come down and mark the occasion, and I do love an occasion, I went. Okay, maybe the -23° C windchill drove all the usual fun lovers someplace else. I had my tail tucked firmly between my legs, because that's how us coyotes warm up our... oh, crap. Promised I wouldn't go there, didn't I...?

Anyway, the (sparse, yet heavily dressed) studio crew freezing their Aspers off pretty much outnumbered the (even sparser, but just as heavily dressed) audience, yet Kevin's voice seemed fine and his cheery demeanor never faltered. I welcome his regular appearance in the parliamentary press corps, and trust that he will focus his considerable investigative reporting talent on important national issues like John Baird's hair, the startling number of Canadian journalists named Newman (Kevin Newman. Don Newman. Peter C. Newman. What's that all about?) and maybe, maybe, on addressing the burning (heh...) question, "Why the hell did they ever start building cities up here, anyway? It's fucking freezing!"

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

I am reliably informed that Reykjavík, Iceland, is the world's northernmost national capital. I am rather less reliably informed that a whole buncha Scandinavian countries (Both Helsinki and Stockholm f'rinstance - and this, people, is the gosh-darn problem with wikis...) appear to claim that distinction for mainland Europe.

Therefore, we in Ottawa are mere pikers. Pissants. Poltroons. Hell, there's still half a continent north of our latitude. Which isn't to say we don't get a little winter once in awhile.

Take today. Media weather types are all a-tizzy. Not sure why. As another blog so recently noted, approximately: "It's Canada. It's winter. Suck it up." Amen.

After last month's string of cranky eco-rants, I promised myself I wouldn't go all David Suzuki on your asses anymore, at least for awhile. But hey. Our federal environment minister? The one that had his face rubbed in it? Severely? By the world in general? In Bali? Last week? He's still doing his gosh-darn twisted-boy-scout best to speed up global warming. Enjoy this great weather while you can.

Lite Rite Nite

Behold, the most Canadian photo ever

Canadian Museum of Civilization, Gatineau, Que., July 2007

City of Spires II

(Or: The Environment Is the Economy...)
(... Stupid.)

Each autumn, I become a cranky coyote. Something to do with being 'bout six thousand years old, and having the arthritis that goes with that, even if I am partly mythical. And really, I'm not very patient with patent stupidity at the best of times.

When ya combine these two coyote factoids in a guy that watches CPAC while he gnaws his coffeebreak bones (I know. Perverse. And likely to cause indigestion.) ya can imagine the extremity of the yapping aimed at the TV.

I'm especially fascinated (read: 'galled') lately by politipeople who claim to know what's going on in this country cautioning us that "we must balance environmental concerns against the needs of a healthy economy."

Fuck. The environment is the economy.

Let's make this simple, with a metaphor even I can understand: piss in your own bed (or, say, souse it with oil sand tailings) and it ain't worth nothin' anymore -- to you, your children, or anybody else. Everything, including the economy, will be damp, smelly and unhealthy. Why is this simple connection so hard for allegedly 'smart politicians' and 'smart businessmen' to grasp?

So, check out the wondrous sky over Parliament Hill. Because global climate change starts there...

You don't look a day over 140...