Ghost of Past Election

I came across this sign a couple of years ago...

I wonder if the owners of the sign regret tossing it in the garbage?

O'Brien's brain

Anybody heard much from Mayor Larry lately? I mean, aside from innocuous grip and grin snaps in throwaway tabloids, and the usual public pabulum? No? Thought not. Us coyotes, neither.

We may have to thank the mayor's latest handlers for this. It's the kinda brain trust that epitomizes a simple rule: if ya don't have a brain yourself, buy one. Although I note that in this case there's a whole team of, ummm, expert henchthingies to stitch up the ol' intellectual fabric. Possibly from the whole cloth.

While we can imagine it, coyotes are not party to the (no doubt) Hunter-Thompson-esque blend of medieval restraint devices, modern psycho-pharmacology and space age adhesives that it might take to keep some kinda lid on hizzoner's natural, ummm, exuberance. Whatever it is, it works like a damn. The result has been (mostly) blessed quiet for the citizenry. We needed it after all that came before.

Enquiring coyotes everywhere suppose that the reason His Nibs is actually paying heed to his high-powered advisors for a change is because he might still be eyeing that second term in the big chair, and hoping a short stint of relative decorum will do the trick.

Fortunately for those of us who are sensitive, the new strategy so far has merely reinforced the esteem with which we hold our beloved mayor. One hopes the electorate's famously lousy long term memory holds on just a teensy bit longer, so we can all support him right out of office in fall elections. In the style which he deserves.

Hoot, Hoot Tiana

Dear Tiana,

We should have tea sometime. I have the tea pot (made by hand by the Erratic Genius), and you have the cup.

Cheers,

Woodsy

Movin' On

Abandoned sign on Gladstone

e-positioning for eco-sitioning *

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'

- from Head Coyote Bob Dylan

In the spirit of year-end, it's time to consider the sins of the very recent past: A sheaf of history's political masters have defined leadership, in so many words, as the act of sensing what people already believe, then scrabbling to their head to take credit. Strange, then, that some current lint-brains claiming to be 'world leaders' do not grasp the axiom: You can't lead from behind.

I've heard some claim our current PM is a smart man. Yet he seems dedicated to trying to rule yesterday's country and economy in yesterday's world, having not grasped the fact that they no longer really exist. Yes, the CDN$ rides high on energy futures just now. But it's a fire sale, isn't it? The wrong kind of fire, at that. Obstinately self-blinkered to the fact of global warming, the PM stands against a rising tide, balanced on feet of oil shale - which is just another kind of clay.

Instead of harnessing the currents, winds and tides - physical, political and metaphorical - he's parked his throne to try to stop them. King Canute couldn't stop the sea from rising a thousand years ago, and I see no sign that the universe has since caved on any of the more immutable laws of physics.

Granted, the Rt. Hon. Mr. H. and his overpartisan hench-thingies are not the first politicians to misunderestimate** their actual grasp on the levers of political power. But as Kevin Conrad of Papua New Guinea pointed out in Bali last month, when you don't lead, you're in the way. Maybe you stall because your life, your daddy's or all of your friends' are dedicated to making a buck or million from fossil fuels. Maybe you're just a dogmatic hack. I can think of two or three North American heads of state who fit this bill. They, like the fuels they favour, are fossils. At Bali, they accomplished not the much-hyped and hoped-for climatic compromise, but a craven rearguard stall. They agreed to maybe do something. But later. Much later. Triple gin and tonics all 'round.

Too bad. Canada is a country poised with space and potential for large-scale wind, solar and tidal power development, and a portfolio of nice little pilot projects that could power a shift to a new-energy economy. Old and new tidal generators in the Bay of Fundy barely begin to tap the potential of the world's highest tides. Another proposal for an updated underwater turbine project on the west coast is just as promising. Wind blows across this country, with power for the asking if you can manage to avoid sullying Anne Murray's million-dollar view. Solar panels are finally becoming light, cheap and robust enough to use as twenty-first century shingles. Unfortunately states and provinces are the actors, while the feds stand idly, jeer into their sleeves and loudly pretend to be doing good things. (Hellooo, John Baird! Again!)

These things are the future because they must be. What stands in the way? A guy heading a government full of guys, and toadying to another guy in another government south of here, who doesn't get it either. All are vested in governing the past only, ignoring a globally-warming sea rising toward Tuvalu and points north. They'd best start swimming with the current, in all senses of that word. If they can't or won't, they'd better get the hell out of the way. Here comes the rest of the world, ahead of them already, and all wired up with the Internet to take action against their shortcomings. And I think it's getting pissed. Given the night, I know I am. Ta!

* Yet another in coyote's tiresome series of eco-rants. Collect them all and trade them with your friends! (Hey. I'll stop when this government starts to get it...)

** Sic. And hah.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-12-18

Venue: A remote corner of a place that is not the Usual Spot

Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Agatha, Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

1) What to do about [Redacted]
a) Who are they?
4D: Can't be any of us. You're all too bone lazy, I'm not, but (a) I'm too busy with my plowing contracts, (b) I hate wordpress, and (c) I wouldn't have done such an exact matching of aliases.

CS: What about Aggie?
4D: Are you kidding?
Coyote: She doesn't have the HTML skills.

The Stats Team discuss [...... ..... Redacted ...... .......]. Although they have deployed techniques matching those of the Las Vegas CSI team, they have no useful information.

Speculation swirls around various possible candidates:[..... ....... ..... Redacted ..... ....... .... ......], but settles mainly on [... Redacted... ]:

• [... Redacted... ]
• [... Redacted... ]

Coyote suggests domain-squatting [... Redacted... ].com
4D suggests this would be mean and pointless
Coyote says "Yeah. And...?" He then counter-suggests creating a [...Redacted...] blog.
4D: or [ Redacted... ]

b) One person? or more?
Consensus: Too soon to tell,but [... Redacted... ].

c) Do they know that we know?
The Stats Team point out [.... ..... ..... ... Redacted... .... ...... ....].

Coyote: And I [... Redacted... ].
4D: Huh?
Coyote explains [... Redacted... ]:

[... Redacted... ]

d) So what do we do about them?
Consensus: [... Redacted... ]
Chair: I'd like to see some cash in an envelope.

2) Tiana's Prize
Coyote asks what we're going to do about it. 4D reveals that Agatha had entrusted him with the task and abjectly apologizes for not having completed the mission. He is sure that one of his plowing contracts will take him close enough to her neighbourhood to complete the mission before Christmas.

3) Love on the Internet
Conch Shell tells us of the tragic story of the 13-year-old girl who killed herself recently after a neighbour mom impersonating a 16-year-old boy online told her she'd be "better off dead". We discuss various people we know who have fallen in love with people through their emails and then dropped them soon after meeting in person. It is suggested that this would be an excellent topic for CS to blog on.

CS: Yes, I'm going to post very soon. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

4) AndrewZRX
4D asks if we should invite Andrew ZRX to post more. There is a brief discussion that notes:

• the high quality of Andrew's posting and the ZRX motorcycle; and
• the grossness of the placenta picture.

Unanimous: AndrewZRX is welcome to post again.

5) Contests
CS: We should have more contests.
4D: Like what?
CS: I like the Street Names one.
4D: huh?
CS: Renaming streets...
Coyote: or coming up with other blogs with street names, like "the Kent Street Incontinents"
All agree this has possibilities.

The Chair suggests a battle of the group blogs. 4D suggests we create avatars in World of Warcraft and take on all comers. Others seem less enthused.

6) Doomsday Machine
Chair: We should set up a Doomsday Machine. If we don't blog within a certain time period, the blog deletes itself.
CS: That's a great idea.

4D and Coyote look at each other and shake their heads.

Coyote: Right. More pressure to blog.
4D: Why do the two people who never post love this idea while the ones who do post hate it? Oh, of course, if the blog was deleted, there would be no pressure to post at all.

CS: I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

7) Life Coaching
4D explains he will be doing some postings related to life coaching and will be encouraging participation in this project from the other ESIs. Coyote gets that look on his face that means he wants nothing to do with this plan and thinks trouble will ensue.

4D: Don't worry, Coyote, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but you will want to and in fact, you'll be the most active.

8) Florence Appointments
With no discussion, The Elgin Street Irregulars appoint:

• Independent Observer as Director of Italian Affairs; and
• Audrey as ESI Cultural Liaison Officer

9) Conference Call with Aggie
4D briefs Aggie on the highlights of the discussion.
Aggie: Did Coyote get slammed for his rogue activity with the [Redacted]?
4D: Of course not. Only the Fourth Dwarf gets slammed for rogue activity.
Aggie: Right. Everything sounds great. I'm glad to see you're on it.

4D relays this and the others are pleased.

Aggie says something unintelligible. 4D asks her to repeat.

4D: Someone out east is slap happy?

Aggie: No, a blogger from the Far East says the ESIs are getting sloppy.

4D and Aggie have a brief exchange about what a loser this blogger must be. Everyone waves goodbye even though it's a telephone.

4D relates the sloppiness charge. The others express outrage.

4D: You know what? It's true. We have gotten sloppy. Coyote - using 4 words where 3 will do. Chair - sometimes it's days before we have a new movie in the sidebar cam. CS - I don't need to say anything to you, do I?

The others all hang their heads downcast for a moment as they reflect on this.

CS: But still. I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others do the usual thing.] And y'know what? Remember how it used to be when we started two years ago and we'd talk for hours about this stuff and it would bug other people so we'd have to change topics? And now so much has changed? But we're still into it and it still holds our interest.

Business is adjourned so the ESIs can discuss the "affairs" of those who are not present.

This just in...

Hey, is that camera thingy on? It is? Oh... Uhh...

Hello! And welcome back to ESI-TV's FuckWitLess News©. I'm your new Anchordog, coyote. Got the job because news anchors are mostly hair and teeth, and us coyotes are, with absolutely no hint of false modesty, all over that hair and teeth thing...

Finally, today's editorial: Our close competitors over at CBC reported that His Civic Baldness, Lex "Larry" Luthor, announced on national radio (Shelagh Rogers, no less...) that Ottawa will deal with the homeless panhandler problem by setting up meters in the Byward Market. Small-scale philanthropic sorts can stuff their change into these, instead of giving it directly to, you know, those pesky homeless. That only encourages 'em. Instead, the city will use money so collected to generously bestow shelter and other basic services upon, you know, those pesky homeless.

There are a few pigeons in the ointment, though. One is that Lex didn't discuss this grand plan with council before presenting it as a fait accompli. Those pesky, you know, councillors, may yet have a thing or six to say about this. Another is that the putative meter plan is a selective tax on the well-meaning stupid. Since it interposes a new bureaucracy between donors and donees, much of the meter money likely will have to go to pay, uh, suits, many of whom already have homes.

Panhandlers -- and, yes, Ottawa has a lot of 'em -- may discomfit more sensitive souls like, uh, Hizzoner. But they have, within bounds, a right to do what they're doing. Just as sensitive souls have a right to refuse them money.

"The homeless" are not a monolithic bloc that can be herded in a single direction. Unless maybe you herd cats. They are individuals. Each has reasons for panhandling that, to him or her, are valid. Many refuse to sleep in shelters, which they regard as unsafe, sometimes with cause. Some aren't going to buy into any city programs. Why would they, when the mayor has a well-documented hate-on for 'em?

Mr. Less Government seems to be back onto his weirdly obsessive attempt to run the city as something other than a civic democracy. He may have bitten off more than he can chew... again. And checks with cities that already ply this scam -- er, scheme -- Denver and Winnipeg spring to mind -- suggest that it doesn't work. Larry's research for many of his hairless-brained schemes seems to consist of a quick Google to see if anybody else is doin' 'em. He apparently skips deeper reading that would confirm whether they actually work.

Maybe, rather than trying to sneak a crummy, ill-conceived little voluntary fee and its accompanying bureaucratic paraphernalia through the back door, Hizzoner might try to negotiate, you know, a council consensus, to have the city levy honest taxes and then use 'em to deliver honest social services. Like it should be.

FuckWitLess News may return the next time Hizzoner says something dumb. I'm guessin' we don't have long to wait. 'Zero Means Zero' ain't anywhere near done with, yet. Thank you. BuhBye!

Fade to black aaaand.... cut! Cue makeup with the Dustbuster! The damn dog is shedding all over the newsdesk...!

Blogs that are NOT Musie's

In case any of you are new readers to our blog, we recommend you click on "What's going on here" under the photo of Elgin Street, top right hand corner. Our original mission was to metablog the 5th Muse . We loved her, but she loved us less, we think. We suspect that we freaked/creeped her out.

Since she went offline, I have been diligently searching for her, and have found blogs that I thought may be hers, but weren't. Here are some of them:

Metamuse: I thought that the 5th Muse might start calling herself Metamuse in honour of us. When I typed in METAMUSE , I ended up finding this woman with with sexy legs, claiming to be from Pluto, who writes in both English and Chinese.

Unreliable Narrator: I was certain that Musie would give this name to her new blog. This was a dead-end blog, written by some American whose last posting was June 17 (Martin Luther King Day), 2005.

Unreliable: By accident, I ended up at this delightful blog . I was instantly drawn to the young poet, Annie, but her blog also ended in 2005. Check out this sweet little poem about a broken vase.

Metablog: I thought that perhaps in honour of us, Musie would call her new blog, metablog. I ended up on some lazy-ass professor's blog who made blogging into an assignment. There are some scarey comments on there, so don't click on any wierd links. Maybe one of the students didn't like the assignment. Yikes.

6th Muse: I thought maybe Musie was ready for a number change. So, I ended up here. When I saw the header, "I bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead," I was sure I had found her. But, no. It's not her. Musie wouldn't post a picture of George and Laura.

I think I may be on to something with one spot, though. I simply typed in ESI, thinking that perhaps Musie misses us and gets all nostalgic sometimes. I ended up here. I'm sure it's Musie, trying to communicate with us.

If dogs run free...

Speaking of Ottawa and silly walks, I have a beef with park planners. City, National Capital Commission, doesn't matter -- they all like to draw designs that they think look pretty in aerial photos, insteada planning functional spaces. Take Confederation Park, at the corner of Elgin and Laurier, f'rinstance. Please. Nice space (we coyotes always approve of open green space dotted with lotsa hiding places), dumb pedestrian plan.

Contrary to what some might say, we coyotes walk and think in fairly straight lines. But here, some well-papered plannerly type thought long and hard, then drew a long, carefully arced sidewalk from the entrance just across the street from city hall, to the stairs that take you up to the Mackenzie King Bridge. Then them pesky pedestrians ignored this pretty sidewalk and walked on the grass, bee-lining straight from entrance to stairs, because they could see their destination, and the un-curved distance was shorter. Imagine that.

What the NCC's control freaks did next, rather than admit its planners are less than demigods, was plant a buncha unsightly shrubs across either end of this straight line, to try to passively force people back onto the sidewalk. Didn't work. Bipeds continued to wear a long, straight path through the shrubs, across the grass. Imagine that. Since that proved unsatisfactory, the NCC planted even more unsightly snow fences in the middle of the two shrub beds to make 'em harder to traverse. From my lurking lair I still see people stomp down snow fences on occasion. Imagine that.

One of the smartest park planners I ever ran across had no fancy planning degree, but a lotta horse sense. Entrusted with a big new park, he seeded it to grass, and left it that way for a summer. In fall, he looked at where walkers had worn the heaviest paths in the grass, and had all his sidewalks put right there, along the lines that people were walking anyway! Then they all pretty much stayed on the sidewalks, unless they were playing pick-up frisbee. With coyotes they thought were just plain ol' domestic dogs. Imagine that...!

Gimme an "E" .... "S" ... "I" ...

Coyote, the Research Director and I saw the Ottawa 67's implode the other night in a stunning loss to the Belleville Bulls. The hometown boys succumbed despite the best efforts of the enthusiastic 67's Ice Girls.

And it got me thinking: wouldn't it be totally inspiring to have my own personal squad of cheerleaders to follow me around and kick in whenever I need a little boost?

For example, I really don't enjoy flossing my teeth. But with those pom poms rustling and chipper voices ringing out (The IO's flossin' / Who's he bossin'? / Cavities! Cavities!) I could floss all morning long.

Or maybe I don't want to write that life-sucking memo my bosses need before lunch. But a peppy little cheer would put me over the top (The IO's at the keyboard / Typin' out words / Sendin' off a memo / To the pencil-necked nerds!)

I think this idea will catch on. Because the holidays may be long over. But we still need some good cheer.