Breaking News: ESIs Headed For Majority

It's All for Your Future Pleasure, So VOTE!

At a recent gathering which included a few men and women in their forties, the consensus was that they preferred the natural look on a woman's coochie. I have not had the opportunity to ask the younger generation what they prefer, but of course I am curious.

Men and women of all ages, this is your chance to let the ESIs know if you prefer the Garfunkel, the Mr T, or the Larry look on a woman's revered mons veneris.

What is your preference?
	The Garfunkel
	The Larry
	The Mr T
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Tank Top Tuesday

Something borrowed from Manny Blue

RNDP 16: Asian Innovations?

This week our search for an RNDP takes us to Asia.

In early June, Weird Asia News reported that a South Korean TV station had received about 2200 applications from young men wanting to be "pet boys" for women looking for company anytime they want.

The idea came from a Japanese anime program where a business woman with a history of bad relationships adopts a young street person to be her "pet".

Weird Asia News predicted the trend would spread throughout Asia in the near future.¹

If the Korean women are following a Japanese cartoon and adopting pet boys, you might wonder what the Japanese women are doing.

According to TechCrunch, they are going to Webkare to meet a male cartoon character and win his heart in a series of online dates.

Apparently, five days after it was announced, 10,000 people had signed up to try it out.²

4D Analysis: If we ESIs want to be famous, we should come up with postings demonstrating that modern women are increasingly desperate to find men they can be with. So desperate they'll pay for them or use pretend online versions.

---

¹ I hope I don't need to point out that:

• There are many, many internet stories on the Pet Boy "trend" and they all seem to be based on the WeirdAsiaNews story;
• There don't seem to be any stories about the trend spreading to Singapore, Hong Kong or anywhere else in Asia; and
• While 2200 applied to be Pet Boys, there is no mention of any woman asking to engage the services of an applicant.

² I hope I don't need to point out that:

• There are many, many internet stories on the WebKare "trend" and they all seem to be based on the TechCrunch story;
• In a country the size of Japan, 10k sign-ups isn't much of a splash if there had been any sort of national promotion of the website;
• WebKare.jp is not even in the world's top 5 million websites (it is ranked 5,261,557 at Alexa, which beats our position at 9,309,169, but we don't claim to be a hot new trend) and
• There have been no followup stories to tell us how may members actually returned to the site after one try.

Waxing Weekday

Speaking of fringes, Steve at the Sneeze has a dozen suggestions for ladies who want something stylish in a waxing job.

I did a little search on the blogs we follow to see what waxing knowledge we might have missed. From Tiana, the Sassy Redhead, we have a vignette of experiencing a professional waxing from 13 March 2006:

I think she enjoyed inflicting pain. I would yell "OHHH" as she ripped and then sort of laugh at the fact that it was about to happen again in mere moments. Also..holy fondling batman! It didn't bother me though but yeah...she knows more about me 'down there' than me, Brent and my Gyno combined! But she wore rubber gloves, which made me happy.

And on 26 May 2008, Tiana gave us a great new euphemism: "wax on the gouda"

Fringe Festival

The latest polls seem to be pointing to the return of the Conservatives to government, the only debate being whether they get a majority or a minority. So unless you are in a swing riding, your vote is pretty much useless at this point.

But all is not lost. The fringe candidates could use your support. Getting 10% of the vote helps them in getting a refund on their expenses. And remember: there was a time when the Green Party was considered fringe in this land. Here is the field of local fringe candidates:

Ottawa Centre

John Andrew Akpata (Marijuana Party)

This isn’t John’s first run for the job of Ottawa-Centre MP. He got 387 votes in the last election. In 2004, he got 495 votes when he ran in Ottawa South. It’s clear that John needs to move his campaign further south (not north) to where the grow-ops constituency can give him a bigger mandate. Dave’s not here, man.

Pierre Soublière (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

Ottawa-Centre is one of the few ridings that consistently fields a Communist candidate in an election. Their official name is the Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) and it should not be confused with the Communist Party of Canada which has also fielded candidates in Ottawa-Centre in the past. For me, this has led to considerable choice confusion as to which brand of communism I should support. Sadly, such confusion has invariably led to splitting the Commie vote in the riding. According to wiki, the party membership seems to be active with postal workers which probably explains the Kim Jong-il commemorative stamp coming out next month.

Ottawa-Vanier

Christian Legeais (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

According to Christian Legeais, the MLPC stands for sovereignty, the affirmation of rights and democratic renewal. It opposes the restructuring of the state to facilitate annexation to the U.S., monopoly right, fascism and war. Christian is recognized for his work in the defence of the rights of all and his opposition to the U.S. "war on terror" and the occupation of Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and Haiti. I once dated a woman with the same profile. She was also a bit of a pill.

Michel St-Onge (Canadian Action Party)

Where were you when the planes hit the twin-towers? The Canadian Action Party wants to know. And they want the Government to investigate why you were so conspicuously absent from lower Manhattan that day. Where were you? Tell us. Who called you? Michel claims to have grown up with an older sister and had what some would call a “normal” childhood (his quotes). I thought I grew up with a “normal” childhood. My close friends tell me otherwise.

Robert Taylor-Larter (Independent)

I’ll leave it to our colleague here to explain Mr. Taylor-Larter’s background. All I can add is that there is very little on the web about this guy, which has me worried. I’m hoping that at one of the all-candidates meetings, Michel can cross-examine Robert on his whereabouts on September 11, 2001, and he better have a good alibi.

Ottawa West – Nepean

Alex McDonald (Communist Party of Canada)

Alex works as a taxi driver in a small community near Ottawa. He’s the only candidate for the Communist Party of Canada in the Ottawa region. The leader of the party is Miguel Figueroa. Too bad the Communists don’t have a prayer’s chance of winning. Prime Minister Miguel Figueroa has a nice resonance to it. Canadians need to shed that white bread, Fred MacMurray image. You know a guy named Miguel wouldn't be caught dead in a cardigan.

David Page (Independent)

The Ottawa Sun’s Ron Corbett met up with Page recently.

Page certainly has credentials: MA, M.Ed. MBA, and a recently acquired law degree. He has three promises that can be found on his MySpace page:

To faithfully represent the interests of my constituents and to help them with their dealings with the federal government

To represent the interests of the citizens of Ottawa to the federal government and to cooperate with other members of Parliament from the Ottawa area, and;

To do everything in my power to help address the clear and present dangers posed by global warming.

It all sounds too earnest for a politician. Cooperation with other members of Parliament? That isn’t going to get you any sound bites from Question Period.

Ottawa-South

Jean-Serge Brisson (Libertarian Party of Canada)

Jean-Serge “the Rad Man” Brisson is running for the Libertarian Party of Canada in Ottawa South. He claims to have been inspired to join the Libertarians after the introduction of compulsory metrification in Canada in the early 1980s. The Libertarians have a fairly straightforward platform: get rid of Government except for basic civil protection issues. Brisson claims to have never collected the federal Goods and Services Tax (GST) for his radiator repair business as he refuses to recognize the Government’s imposition of it.That’s rad, man!

Al Gullon (Progressive Canadian Party)

The PC Party still exists - sort of. Elections Canada forced the rebels that refused to merge with the Reformers to find a new party name. Its leader is Sinclair Stevens. They think Harper is in cahoots with the Bloc to bust up Canada. They’re probably right. But I mean, really, Sinclair Stevens? It’s so 1980s. I really can’t go back. Rugger pants. Leather ties. Men Without Hats. I can’t.

Stormont-Dundas

Dwight Dugas (Canadian Action Party)

In his own words:

Shortly after being tear gassed and shot at with "non-lethal" weapons, I contacted CAP to register as a candidate in the next federal election. Not long after I received a phone call from Connie Fogal and was accepted as the candidate for S.D & SG.

I’m all for democratic processes, but I think the initiation rights for the Canadian Action Party are a little extreme.

Howard Galganov (Independent)

According to his website, we live in a topsy-turvy world and Howard is going to help us cut through the fog. Some of that fog has to do with Canada’s bilingualism policies. Howard also doesn’t believe in reasonable accommodation. Come to my country and become like us. Don’t expect us to become like you.

If Aboriginal/First-Nations people had the same attitude a few hundred years ago, I guess I’d be living in a tee-pee and speaking Cree. But what form of Cree would be the official languages? Central? Plains? Eastern Algonquian? You see, Howard, no matter what, we’re going to have a language debate in this country.

Porn and Sex and Blog Popularity in Ottawa

Tonight I was with some friends and we discussed the pornographic nature of some television shows. For instance, it was argued that werewolf porn is really just a kink for the fluffies, who are apparently some kind of cuddly fetish group -- and possibly sometimes inclined to disguise as werewolves. This naturally brought us to further discussions about the secrets of getting an Ottawa readership for one's blog. This then brought us to talk about the ESI blog and its appreciated but rather stagnant readership. To grow, it was thought that we ESIs needed to be personal. However, our readers will know that this is something the ESI community completely avoids (so, therefore, beyond our ability). Realizing this, the next suggestion was that we needed to be sexual, especially in an Ottawa context. That was the word for the evening.

Well, the discussion came around to the the core issue: How to get readership when you are a group of people without a single voice for readers to follow, not into revealing personal details, not independently famous, and not interested in working too hard to achieve it? Really, to me, given that we can't discuss our personal lives with any real gore, it's clear that discussing or engaging in public sex is beyond us. So, anyone have some suggestions about how to increase readership other than producing pornography or becoming personal?

NSFW*: ESI Corset Friday

Okay, the election does not engage us. Or, apparently, anybody except campaigning politicians. So far it manifests all the charisma of the Tory blue lint on the PM's "for advertising purposes only" sweater vest - which manifests rather more charisma than the PM. What to post, what to post?

A number of us this week have been riffin' on the redoubtable, antipodal NurseMyra's gig. Her weekly Corset Friday postings are kind of a big deal in certain circles. It's a bit complicated to explain, but they seem to cheer up the inmates patients at Gimcrack Hospital, where she works.

Apparently somebody has been riffing much longer. Harmony commented yesterday that some unnamed vandal had used their Mad Photo Editing Skillz to add an item of intimate apparel to my sidebar icon. So I braced the Short Guy. He said, nonchalantly, that he'd put it there weeks ago.

Weeks? Weeks?! I draw two ummm, three lessons from this:

• First, Dear Reader, keep your eyes on all parts of this blog at all times: ya can't keep up to it without a program. Even, apparently, when you're an Irregular.
• Second, if you Photoshop a coyote's photo, you will be repaid in kind...
• Third, and just in: it seems that tagging an image with "crossdressing dwarf" is a recipe for instant search engine megahits. Who knew?

* Not Safe For Work. But you knew that already...

Thong Thursday

I was going to make Thursday, Thong Thursday. However, given the gravity of the current economic situation, I must shift my focus to non-arse matters. I'm ignoring the election here up north. Not because I think it's boring ( even though it is). But because the Harper majority possibility scares me into a blah-blah-blah-I'm-not-listening kind of state. So, let's shift the focus south. Not that it is less scarey.
McCain has suspended campaigning because......he thinks he can singlehandedly save the economy right before the election? Or, is it because (here's the conspiracy theory) Bush is planning to cancel the election because ......how can they have an election when the "entire economy is in danger"? And watch for another terrorist attack while you're at it.
Apart from all this, the weather has been nice, eh? Warm enough to wear a thong.

Cabinet secrets indeed...

Can the election get any more boring? The eye-glazing ennui sent me scurrying to the observatory library to dig up these little-known but fascinating facts about Canadian politics:

1. Historians believe William Lyon Mackenzie King wrote a final but now lost volume of his famous diaries. Known cryptically among scholars as "Tranche 21," it has never surfaced. But King did mention the volume in at least two letters penned shortly before his death. In one of these missives, King suggests he fabricated stories in the earlier volumes about séances and conversations with his dog to dispel the notion he was tremendously dull.

2. Sir John A. Macdonald's fondness of drink is well documented. But his true weakness was pie. During whistle-stop campaign tours, Macdonald insisted that a fresh-baked pastry -- preferably blueberry or strawberry -- be waiting on the train platform, to be lustily consumed immediately after his public addresses. He even travelled with a personal pastry chef. During the 1891 campaign, the chef fell ill in northern Ontario. Party minions were left scrambling to ensure a suitable pie was ready for the stop in Kenora, Ont., and sent frantic telegraph messages to the kitchen at Rideau Hall in Ottawa for advice. Nervous aides feared the crust would be too soggy or, even worse, too flaky, sending Sir John A. into another of his drunken tirades.

3. In the late 19th century, men in sparsely populated western Canada were allowed as many as three votes: one for themselves, and up to two others for their livestock -- either two head of cattle, or one cow and one sheep. Several years later, women got the vote.

4. The Green Party's campaign signs are completely edible. Coming in three flavours -- mango, pomegranate and rhubarb -- each certified-organic sign contains more protein than the average veggie burger.

5. All of Environment Minister John Baird's toupées are hand-woven from imported chinchilla fur. A special order-in-council was signed last year to allow a dozen of the Andean rodents, which face extinction, to be quietly brought into Canada. They are raised at a secret location in Baird's Ottawa riding.

Images: Sir John A.: Politics, Polls and Pastry, Nofifththing Press, 1976; Cows: www.rampantgames.com/

Tank Top Tuesday

Silver Moon Tank Top From Aggie

Meta-Meta Contest

Aggie and Woodsy have traded days for posting. The reason why we did the switch will be apparent later today, so stay tuned.

A few months before I was invited to join the ESI, a meta-contest was held on this blog. I entered the contest and won a prize. When my prize never materialized, I started whining annoyingly to Fourth Dwarf that I wanted my prize.

"Oh, don't you worry, my dear, you'll get your prize alright," he coughed out ominously.

I got my prize. It is hidden within this blog.

I would like to suggest a meta-meta-contest. Comment as to what it was that I wanted for my prize, then find the prize on this blog, and I will take you out for a coffee and a ginger cookie at Bridgehead - my treat!

RNDP: Campaigns

A few years back, I did a little door-to-door canvassing for a politician I thought would represent me better than the fellow who'd been holding the job. On election night, all the campaign workers gathered in a basement bar downtown.

The bad news came at 11 pm. The incumbent had won, our candidate was about to give the concession speech. Nothing to do but drink to dull the grief we felt. Half an hour later, startling news! It had been a mistake! With some late reporting polls and a some digits switched the way they were supposed to be, our candidate was the winner! The incumbent had to give his concession speech.

My friend Sue sidled up to me. "Dwarfie, if you were looking to get laid, this would be a good time to approach someone." Of course, a man of the world like myself doesn't need to rely on cheap emotional manipulation to make a love connection, but a man of the world also opens the door when opportunity knocks.

What does this have to do with the RNDP? The RNDP is about getting lucky. According to the ancient Roman philosopher, Seneca, luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity. And according to Thomas Edison, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work." To get this opportunity, you will have to prepare with some campaign work.

Choosing a Party - should you cross-volunteer?

Choosing the party to support may be tricky if you are a female NDPer or a male Tory. It is a well known fact that there are more women volunteers with the NDP and more men with the Conservatives. The ratio for the Greens and the Liberals depends a lot on the specific candidate.

If you are male and Conservative, unless you are some sort of alpha male (obviously you believe you are or you wouldn't be a Tory, but try to be objective for once), check out the ratios in the other parties. You may want to cross-volunteer. It's not morally wrong because you know that your actions aren't going to make a difference to your candidate anyway. The Greens have social policies you believe in and if they save the environment, you'll have somewhere to go hunting. If the Liberals get in, they'll wind up doing pretty much the same thing your party was going to do anyway, and if you're connected with them, you've got better long-term prospects for a patronage appointment. The NDP haven't got much you can support with a straight face, but if you hook up with an NDP woman, you may find that your passionate arguments about pretty much everything can lead to the fun kind of passion when it's just the two of you.

If you are female and NDP, especially if your candidate has no chance of winning, either help the Greens send a message about the environment, or help the Liberals keep Harper out. I won't suggest faking conservatism because the constant taste of vomit at the back of your mouth would ruin any chance of a dating initiative. Of course, if you are female and NDP, there is little chance that you could actually support another political party solely in order to find someone to date. So, volunteer for the NDP. With any luck, you'll score a cute cross-volunteering Tory. Maybe you can convert him.

Volunteer effectively:

1. One volunteer shift will be enough to get you on the invite list for the election night party.
2. Door-to-Door canvassing is generally done in teams. Involves lots of walking. It can be challenging to get yourself partnered with someone you'd want to be partnered with. Mixed teams are preferred by campaign managers to show the diversity of support for the candidate. This is not good for you if you are looking for a same sex relationship with someone your age, but if you're a middle-aged woman who likes young Latinos, you might be in luck.
   
3. In the movies, they make it look like they need lots of envelopes stuffed in campaign offices. Sadly, they don't. It's sad because envelope stuffing is a perfect occupation for scouting and chatting with prospects.
4. What they actually need at the campaign office is telephone volunteers. This is an activity that lets you chat with people you can't see about whether you can count on their support, put a sign on their lawn or in their window, and get a donation. Low dating opportunity, but it gets you in to the election night party and it's not quite as bad as telemarketing because you're mostly calling your candidate's supporters.

Here's hoping the best for you on October 14th!

Centretowners can volunteer for:

• Liberal: Penny Collenette
• NDP: Paul Dewar
• ReformConservative: Brian McGarry
• Green: Jen Hunter
  

[Sorry fringe candidates, your volunteers are scarier than you are.]

Gym Teachers Named Diane from Nunavut Need Apply

Some people look to the election as an important milestone for Canadians to take stock of their democracy and possibly set a new course for the future. For others it’s a time to possibly apply for a new job. In fact, in the last election 1,356 citizens applied for the job of Member of Parliament. And why not? It pays $155K a year, and if you can get re-elected two more times, you get a pretty healthy pension. And getting re-elected may not be as hard as you think – about 85% chances, if you look at the recent past. That’s why 278 incumbent members re-applied for the job. You’ve got until Monday at 2 p.m. to throw your hat into the race.

But how can one possibly win, you ask? Here is some advice to help you:

Run for the Conservatives in Alberta

With the last election, the Conservatives booted out the last-standing Liberal in Alberta (“Landslide” Annie McLellan) and took all 28 seats in the province. She lost, even though she got over 38% of the vote in her Edmonton riding. Your big challenge in getting on the Conservative ticket in Alberta is winning over your riding association.

Run in a small riding where only a few people vote

The average winning MP had to get about 23,000 votes in order to be invited to sit in Ottawa. That said, if you were lucky enough to run in a small riding, like Nunavut's Nancy Karatek-Lindell, all you needed was 3,673 votes to get the job. Hell, that’s hardly more votes than one needs to win student council president. And you get to represent a territory almost four times larger than France.

Have the right job to start with

Many people think being a lawyer is your ticket to political life. Of the 86 lawyers that ran in the last election only 21 got elected. That’s almost 25%, which isn’t too shabby, but not a sure thing. Other jobs with better election odds one might consider as a prelude to public office include:

Occupation / Odds of Winning / Examples

Car Dealership owner / 100% / Dave Van Kesteren
Gym teacher / 100% / John-Yves Laforest
Chiropractor / 50% / Jim Lunney, Ruby Dhalla
Clergyman/ 50% / Bill Blaikie
Cook / 50% / Catherine Bell

Name Brand

I remember once hearing John Diefenbaker speak to reporters in the late 1970’s about governance in Canada. At one point he sarcastically said that “you can’t let any Joe run the country.” Of course, Joe Clark was the sitting PM at the time, making the statement all the funnier, but if a guy named Barack thinks he can win the Presidency, then surely names don’t make a difference in politics? Here’s our take on the results for a few common names:

First name / Number of Candidates / Number of winning candidates (%)

Dave or David / 53 / 9 (16%)
Mike or Micheal / 50 / 8 (16%)
John / 45 / 8 (18%)
Jim or James / 30 / 10 (33%)
Joe or Joseph / 12 / 6 (50%)
Diane / 7 / 4 (57%)
Bev or Beverly / 8 / 2 (25%)

Tribute to the Owner of Elgin Street Video

The Elgin Street Video Store is my favourite video store in the city. It's filled with rather high-end choices of movies and TV series, and the store itself is one large tribute to Hollywood, complete with artifacts and momentos from movies over the past 50 years. The place is part museum, part video store, and one is always in good hands there when seeking advice on movie rental pics. Today there is a sign on the door explaining that the store is closed until further notice due to the sudden death of the owner, Bill Kinsman, age 60.

My condolences to his family and friends. Elgin Street will miss him.

Breaking News!

Woodsy said...Would Woodsy posting a bosom picture (à la Nursemyra) showing off the special pirate top she wore today in honour of Talk Like a Pirate Day be considered "breaking news"?

Harmony said...
Probably not, Woods. But it would be a rum jury rig to distract the mangy cur Coyote from dominating that niche so much!

Unnatural (S)election '08: I got nuthin'

Yeah, yeah, I know. You've come to rely on me for the kind of incisive and perspicacious insider political analysis that you can't find anywhere else. And this is my day to post. But dizzy and reeling from all of the hurricane-force spin doctoring happening north and south of the border this week, I am in exactly the same boat as everybody else. I began this election feeling disengaged and pissed about having to go through with it. Now, I just wanna hide in my burrow, clamp my eyes shut, and wrap my paws over my ears until it's over...

Yet I persist. I don't know why. We coyotes are not generally known for our masochism. But be warned. I have no incisive and perspicacious insider political analysis this week - only dumbass questions.

To whit: "When did the strain of watching two elections at the same time finally sink my finely honed, impartially cynical loathing of all politicians into abysmally deep new submarine trenches a la The Vendetta?"

And: "Why does Sarah Palin remind me so much of Tracy Flick, and why doesn't anybody else seem to have noticed?"

And this one, after rereading posts in which my pierced, pottymouthed, and also perspicacious counterpart from the BC interior, Other Coyote, called the current government The Cons: "Does this make Stephen Harper a Con Troll Freak...?"

There is no fifth thing. And no fourth, for that matter. I'm not interested enough.

Photo: Wikipedia Commons

Talk Like a Pirate, Y'Scurvy Dog!

Being the nineteenth day of September tis Talk Like a Pirate Day and I, yer faithful Fourth Dwarf, be here to help ye master the lingo.

As ye'll likely not be sailin' off fer adventure and treasure, but sitting in yer government or corporate meeting chamber, here be the proper piratical way of expressin' yer lubberly thoughts.

Landlubber Talk	Shipshape Pirate Talk
We have achieved a positive outcome	We’re bung up and bilge free
We have gained a market advantage over the competition	We’ve sailed to windward and taken their weather guage
Perform a post-project evaluation	Tally up the butcher's bill
Dialogue with a stakeholder	Chew the fat with chummy
We will meet this afternoon	Ye’ll see me when the sun be over the yardarm
A good candidate for senior management	A right smart upper yardman
Recruit new human resources	Pressgang a new crew
We must increase our efforts	We’d best put some wind behind our sails
Acting contrary to the direction of the chief executive	Crossing the bow of the old man
Insufficiently prepared for an unforeseen contingency	There’s the devil to pay and no pitch hot
We shall now adjourn	Hoist the Blue Peter and weigh anchor
Several staff members are asking policy questions	We’ve a few sea lawyers among the hands
Intervene in a consultation without an invitation	Shove an oar in
Reduce quality to increase quantity	Water the grog
An effective temporary measure	A rum jury rig
Cost recovery	Flogging the booty
Reduce overhead to enhance efficiency	Jettison the supercargo
Our initiative failed to meet its planned targets	We were right scuppered
Assert our brand identity	Hoist the Jolly Roger!

Last journey to city hall

Former Ottawa Mayor Marion Dewar, 1928 - 2008

SOLD!

Last spring when I was in the process of preparing my house in the Woods for sale, Conch Shell happened to write about the Ottawa housing market. Taking advantage that she and Audrey were real-estate experts, I asked the following question in the comments:

My agent says that I shouldn't leave pictures of family and friends out... they say that the person visiting wants to be able to picture themselves in my home[...] Who do you think is right?

My question generated a glut of comments from readers as to what I should and should not do to stage my house properly for a quick and easy sale. A few weeks later, I posted the following comment:

Thank you all... this is great advice. I have had most of the place painted a light neutral color, and it looks good in both daylight and artificial light... all the trim has been repainted too... and I am removing all the clutter. I hope to make it look spacious, bright and homey. I want people to walk in and feel that it won't be too much work to make it their place with their colors... I will leave family photos out.

Well, three weeks went by during which I had fifteen showings, but received no offers.

The fourth weekend that my little house was on the market, I had to be away overnight on the Friday. Even though my son, Erratic Genius, had been allowed a sleepover, I was not concerned because he is a responsible young man. I knew he and Karate Kid, his sleep-over friend, would cooperate to make the beds and clean-up before the scheduled Saturday one o'clock viewing. I was due back by noon which gave us plenty of time to fluff things up and make everything picture perfect.

I arrived home just after noon and found the place looking ransacked. Standing in the middle of the chaos was Erratic Genius. He looked shell-shocked and desperately pale. Karate Kid was nowhere to be found.

“What happened here?” I asked calmly horrified.

All in one erratic breath he explained, “Karate Kid and I were woken up by these (expletive) people just walking into the house at 10 a.m.… and last night Karate Kid cut himself – there’s (expletive) blood in the (expletive) bathroom sink, on the (expletive) mirror, and on the (expletive) linen cupboard doors…It's real blood this time. We tried to clean up but it just got (expletive) smeared…I can't believe that (double expletive) people just walked into the house this morning without (expletive) setting up an appointment… there was a (expletive) real-estate agent and a couple… they had 3 (triple expletive) kids… the (expletive) kids jumped all over your made-up bed and on the sofas… they were (expletive) running around the house (expletive) yelling and touching stuff… Karate Kid and I tried to clean-up the pizza boxes and pop cans from our sleep-over, but then another (double expletive) agent showed up with more clients… they walked in with their (expletive) shoes… they left (expletive) mud prints everywhere… then a third (expletive) agent showed up with her (expletive) client and started asking us all kinds of (expletive) questions, so we just ran off…I just got back... I waited until they were all (expletive) gone to come back… I’m so sorry Woodsy! We will never sell our place!

Some people must prefer a lived in look, because a few days later I had an offer from the third visitor that day!

I'll have a non-fat chai latte, hold the cup

Waiting for Audrey recently at a downtown Starbucks, I ordered a latte.

The woman behind the counter responded in the same tone she might use had I asked her to co-pilot an imaginary spaceship to the planet Xatox or express milk my waiting llama on the sidewalk.

"You want an actual cup?" she asked.

"Yes, an actual cup would be great," I said with a smile.

I also ordered a piece of banana cake, and upon hearing the crinkle of a paper bag I chimed in, "That's for here, too."

"Oh, yes," she said, soon adding, "We only have this saucer. All the actual plates are broken."

"A saucer would be fine."

I'm not a green-tinged saint but, hey, I try.

Common sense, not to mention a study or five, tells us ceramic mugs and plates are more environmentally friendly than disposable cups and paper bags, even when you factor in the energy needed to manufacture and wash the dishes.

But invariably the chain coffee joints offer you a disposable cup rather than a reusable one.

Starbucks says it wants to "re-establish" the ceramic mug as its "global standard" for people swilling java in-store by 2010.

Let's hope the planet is still around.

Image: http://yogitimesblog.blogspot.com/

Rogers or Bell?

Discuss.

Not such a great year at Bank & Somerset...

Employees regroup after arriving Monday morning to find the building that housed their business was badly damaged by fire overnight.

The four-storey commercial structure is on the northeast corner of Bank and Somerset, across the street from Somerset House. Nearly a year ago, the intersection was blocked after the partial collapse of that building during renovations. The blockage during subsequent legal ping-pong between the city and the former hotel's owner, about whether to save it or raze it, played out for months before reno work restarted in spring.

Bank Street businesses then spent the summer in the midst of a major street reconstruction that remains to be finished.

Just me, or is Ottawa's approach to downtown redevelopment a little ad-hoc...?

Word Cop - Just go with "For example"

Case and Point?

ZeroMeansZero - Case and point the ongoing saga of the sewage into our river... [1 additional demerit for missing comma after "point". 3 additional demerits for gratuitous cheap shots throughout blog].

Beholding and Becoming - “When the Kings Come Marching In” is case and point.

Aggravated Cases - Use in Blog Title:

Case and point - http://spencercaselog.blogspot.com/ I am Spencer Case, currently known as Specialist Case among my battle buddies in the 207th MPAD [2 additional demerits because when your name is Case and you are in the military, "Case in point" would have been a way better name for your blog. However, sentence is suspended due to the mitigating factor that you blogged in Iraq and your last post in 2006 says you should be going home soon and then nothing... ]

Case and Point - Case for and point of living. Maybe. Big stuff. Small stuff. All good stuff. [1 additional demerit for not using other possible definitions of "case and point", for example, "surreptitiously search a building and identify valuable items"]

CASE AND POINT - MY POINTS I THINK THAT MAY BE OF INTREST TO MOST PEOPLE. AND sell race cars and parts [Penalty: HTTP 404. Use in Title combined with use of upper case that switches to lower case for no apparent reason and mispelling of "interest", with no mitigating factors

Too many other examples to cite here.

Further research is suggested to verify the hypothesis that those who use "case and point" have more extreme and less tolerant opinions than those who use "case in point", but that both groups are less strident than those who instead use "for example", "such as", or "like".

Alerts for Deputized Word Cops from Language Log:

1. "Wile away" may actually be acceptable.
2. Keep your eyes open for overzealous censoring software that produces text with words like "clbuttic", "conbreastution" and "Buttociated Press"
   

Ode to Yoga at the YMCA

Wow, I almost missed my Saturday blog. Yikes!

Okay, here goes. I'd like to discuss the merits of doing yoga at the YMCA above going to Rama Lotus or another of the $17 per yoga-class places. As my fellow bloggers know, for some years I've been a yoga enthusiast at Rama Lotus, and other expensive yoga establishments in Ottawa.

Recently I signed up at the Ottawa Y, with a membership that includes free access to all the classes. So, I signed up for two yoga classes: hatha and power, and attended them both this week for the first time. I was shocked by how wonderful it was.

First off, did you know that the Y is actually a charity? Your membership is going to help keep the place going, and helps those less fortunate stay healthy. It's good to be a part of that. Apparently, no-one is ever rejected from being able to work-out at the Y -- if you don't have enough money, they'll work out a deal where you pay what you can. Really, it's the yogic way.

Anyway, reasons why Y-yoga classes are better than Rama Lotus classes:

1. They provide the mats, for free. So, I don't have to lug a mat to work.
2. The instructors are volunteers. Makes me feel that I'm being taught yoga by generous souls.
3. I wore a t-shirt and gym shorts to yoga, and didn't feel I was embarrassing myself with a poor fashion sense.
4. It didn't cost $17 a class, it was free (kind of, I do have a Y membership).
5. There were between 3 and 7 people in my class, not 50 of us scrunched together. It felt like a community.
6. The yoga instructors were very good.
7. The class is one hour, not 90 minutes. After work, a one-hour yoga class is enough.(If not, I can always do a workout!)
8. I can leisurely get changed and have a shower afterward, without bumping into 40 different people sharing the 10x10 change-room.
   

That's it for now. Namaste.

The Politics of Elgin Street

Sure, we all know Ottawa Centre was won by the NDP in the last two elections, and that before that Mac Harb represented the Liberals for a few rounds of Parliament. And you probably even know by how many votes each won by, so that even in this first-past-the-post system, you could get a sense of how strong of a mandate the winner had. For Ottawa Centre, Paul Dewer got 37% of the vote in the last election, beating out his next best rival, Richard Mahoney (two-time loser? Ouch) by almost 8 percentage points. You might have also known that the Greens did not do too shabbily in the last election. David Chernushenko got over 10% of the popular vote in Ottawa Centre, making it among the best performances for a Green Party candidate in any riding.

But here at the ESI, we really could care less about the 90,000 odd electorate of Ottawa Centre. We are far more parochial about our political interests. Even Dwarfie thinks you might as well live in Kanata if you move west of Preston St. That being said, I would like to present, with thanks to folks at Elections Canada, some analysis of the results of Elgin Street from the last election:

Zoom and click on the google map below to get the results for each highlighted poll.

View Larger Map

Poll 116 – Lower Elgin Street, east side

Analysis: The NDP had few problems capturing almost half the votes here. The remaining votes were almost evenly split between the Liberals and the Conservatives.

Strategy: It’s clear that being so close to the police station, these voters have become complacent. They feel safe and secure. The “tough on crime” agenda that usually follows the Conservatives is not working. For the Conservatives, I would suggest things need to be stirred up in this part of town. Home invasions are usually good to scare the odd voter. Maybe those guys you send around to put signs on our lawns could do some double-duty, if you get my drift.

Poll 115 – Lower Elgin, west side

Analysis: The Green’s had their best performance on this part of Elgin Street, getting about 13% of the vote. This is clearly because most of the voters were the homeless people that live on the green space around the Museum of Nature. They have a vested interest in making sure there is grass to sleep on and shrubs close by for other activities.

Strategy: For the Conservatives it’s easy: Pave paradise and put up a parking lot.

Poll 113 – Middle Elgin, west side

Analysis: The NDP got about the same number of votes as the combined Liberals and Conservatives.

Strategy: The western side of the Elgin Strip can definitely be a ‘swing’ poll what with all the clubs and bars located there. I think in this instance, the Liberals and the Conservatives have to combine forces to put pressure on the NDP. That is probably best done at pep rallies with the assistance of some of the (ahem) capable serving staff from any of these fine establishments. Also, they may try keeping those Dippers that drink at the Manx from getting out to vote.

Poll 103 and 104 – Maclaren & Elgin, east side / St. Moritz Apts.

Analysis: The Liberals make huge inroads on this part of Elgin Street getting about 36% of the popular vote.

Strategy: Paul Dewer is going to have his work cut out for him trying to win back these polls. Pool sharks (Maclaren’s Pub) and retired old ladies (St. Moritz Apts) who probably once escorted Mackenzie King to his séances are not easily swayed by NDP-style social justice. However, if the Conservatives can get John Baird and Laureen Harper to knock on a few doors, those old ladies may wax romantically about days of yor.

Poll 102 – Maclaren & Elgin, west side

Analysis: The NDP get strong results here at 40% of the popular vote.

Strategy: This side of the street clashes with its east-side counterpart and probably represents well-entrenched political positions. It looks too Northern Ireland / Palestine for my liking. Best we put up a wall down the middle of Elgin Street from Somerset to Gilmour. It can be are own little Berlin. Years from now, when things settle down, we can tare it down and sell it to tourists to help pay down our city’s debt from the Siemens lawsuits and unfinished transit tunnels.

Poll 94 – Elgin Street, upper east side

Analysis: Liberals edged out the NDP by only 1% point.

Strategy: Maybe it’s the similarity between Belgian waffles at the Mayflower to Liberal policy that gives them the edge on this part of Elgin Street. Maybe it’s the closer proximity to Parliament Hill for Canada’s natural governing party. Either way, the NDP could get the jump here with a few key moves. The former Goldsteins grocery store is vacant and must have some possibilities for buying votes from the electorate. How about a platform of returning it to its former glory, but this time employ the panhandlers from the neighbourhood as check-out cashiers. For once, they would be giving us some change.

Warm Fuzzy Blues

Shortly before the latest federal election call, Canada's PM suddenly popped up in ads trying to show him up in his (ahem) best light.

Apparently I'm not the only one disturbed by the strained warm fuzzies of the infamous blue sweater vest, bringing out the warmth of his zombie-blue eyes and fetchingly setting off his Fiberglas® hair. I guess the idea was to tell us Steve is badly misunderstood, and the private man is really a charming, pinano-plunkin' family-dad type, not a robotic freak who can't smile for a TV camera without grinding his teeth to powder.

Apparently it has escaped spin doctors that Canadians are not voting for a private dad. They're voting for a public Prime Minister. This one's public performance has been that of a vindictive, over-ideological control freak who is not above the, ummm, occasional fib to gain elected office, or the occasional cheap partisan potshot once he gets there.

I'm disturbed by the contempt with which this warm fuzzy ploy holds voters. Apparently, a few weeks of stilted advertising should be enough to blot out all memories of the man's smirking yet paranoid performance in front of a minority Parliament he called 'dysfunctional' because: a) his own partisan maneuvering made it that way; and, b) it wouldn't do exactly what he wanted.

Coyotes may be fuzzy-headed - and largely missing from Elections Canada voter lists - but I don't believe democracies usually work that way for minority governments. Maybe, as cowboys from my old stomping grounds used to yell as they took potshots at me, I have shit-fer-brains. Or maybe the PM blatantly maneuvered into place for a quick potshot at a majority government before a global economic malaise, largely caused by a Neo-Con to the south that he seems to admire, starts to really mess up his electoral chances.

What baffles my fuzzy head about the PM's claims to strong leadership, is that his own tax cuts and benefits have been cosmetic pandering that - according to many economists, even conservative ones - are not good governance. What concerns me even more is the fact that top ministers in a pretty thin cabinet - Messrs Baird, Clement and Flaherty - all sat on the inner circle of Mike Harris' provincial government. You know, the one that not too long ago, about burnt Ontario to the ground on the basis of ideology. Warm fuzzies, indeed.

Saturday Night Premonition

"You have access to the Internet again!" I mumble loudly in a half awake state.

"What? Did you say something?" asks my sleeping mate waking up startled and confused.

"Oh, sorry, I was dreaming about a group of blogger friends who haven't been blogging recently. We were at our usual spot, and I was standing on the table and yelling at them that they all have Internet access."

My bed mate gives me a bemused look, mutters something in a patronizing voice, rolls over, and goes back to his sonic boom snoring.

Remember, keep your brush on the ice

City hockey fans have yet to recover from the whooping that Sidney Crosby and the Pittsburgh Penguins inflicted on the Ottawa Senators in the playoffs last spring.

Now we hear that Sid the Kid recently took time out from being a shinny phenom to create some art for a charity auction to benefit people stricken with Parkinson's disease.

Is there nothing those penguins can't do? Apparently not.

Behold Patrick, flightless bird, artist, philanthropist. The little critter's work will be part of next Tuesday's Art by Animals auction sponsored by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums.

Maybe the on-ice Penguins can put the NHL Senators to shame. But charity or no, we can't let real penguins show up our genuine senators.

Colin Kenny, surely you have some etchings that could fetch a few bucks on eBay for a good cause?

Aggie's Post

It's my turn to blog. As some of you know, my new schema is to spend more time living offline. So far I've discovered that life offline isn't any better. Stay tuned, though. I'll be giving occasional updates on this.

Yup. Photoshopped. Absolutely...

...but I dare you to prove it ain't, truthfully, an improvement on the original...

RNDP 14: Back to the Future

In Single Parent Rantings on Making Lemonade (the single parents' network), dating coach Jodi Seidler writes about a "new dating paradigm". Unfortunately, it is not a revolutionary new paradigm, it is a dating paradigm that the newly single get "lost in":

...especially ... ex-husbands and men who have been out of the dating market for a while. Sometimes you guys are the most romantic daters - old fashioned and sweet...just looking for a recipient who can appreciate and acknowledge your uniqueness. But alas, in a perfect world that would be so and I wish we could get back to the times when daters courted more frequently. Please don't ever tell me that is a lost or forsaken art form that our children will one day read about in history books.

Ms Seidler gives us no more explanation on either the new or the old dating paradigms, saying she'll leave the topic of how to be romantic to another time. Instead, she advocates that the newly single move slowly and cautiously. She has a rule that she won't "date anyone just out of a relationship or out of a marriage for under a year" and she recommends writing lists of what you're looking for in another person and identifying the lessons you've learned from your failed relationships.

4D Analysis: It appears that Ms Seidler prefers the "courting" model of dating with lots of dates and men acting sweetly.

Given that it has been 3 years since she said she would leave writing about how to be creative in romanticsim to another time, I suspect she broke her rule about only dating someone who'd been single for at least a year and fell into a relationship that gives her reasons to write about something else.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2008-09-07

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: 4th Dwarf, Conch Shell, Chair, Coyote, Independent Observer, Woodsy
Guests: Harmony, Painted Stick

Breezed in with no excuse: Agatha, Shaggy Waiter

1. Woodsy Reports on the Blogger's Brunch
Woodsy has kind words for all of the bloggers she met. "A bit anti-climactic" someone suggests. [Perhaps it would have been more exciting if we had sent the Dwarf.]

2. How can we support Coyote in his efforts to keep the blog alive?
It is mentioned that since the agenda went out, both the Chair and the IO have posted. [Expressions of surprise from those who can't keep up.]

IO: I think we should go back to the schedule where everyone has a day on which they post.

4D: I'm on board with that.

IO: But only post per day.

4D: But I've got a lot of RNDP postings to go through and this would mean only one per week.

IO: You could do two a week.

4D: But there are 7 ESIs and 7 days in a week.

IO: Oh.... right.

After some discussion, it is agreed that a blogger may post as many items as they like on their day and breaking news may be posted as it is breaking, so that the Chair is not restricted from updating his insightful election coverage.

People begin choosing days as Aggie arrives. We stop to update Aggie on the new plan. Aggie has a momentary seizure but collects herself in time to prevent collapsing to the floor. [Note for a future emergency meeting agenda: How can we better accommodate of Aggie's ODD issues with rigid plans?]

Posts are expected by 9am

Sun: The Chair
Mon: 4th Dwarf
Tue: Aggie
Wed: Independent Observer
Thu: Woodsy
Fri: Coyote
Sat: Conch Shell

[p.s. A shout out to Megan from the ESIs and the IO especially, who says he did see you around the time of the Bluesfest, but didn't realize it until you'd passed each other and you were with someone and he thought it would be awkward at that point.]

Avoiding the elephant in the womb

On a recent visit to one of my ancestral homelands, I met up with an old friend who is with child. She was waiting for me on the sidewalk outside the little bakery and, being one day past her due date, I had no trouble spotting her from quite a distance. I'm sure several people using Google Earth also saw her.

But I'm glad I knew in advance that she was expecting. I still remember chatting with a colleague about her children at a Christmas party, motioning to her belly and asking, "And when's the next one due?"

I might as well have said, "I hear you have AIDS! How's that going?" or "What's it really like being a neo-Nazi?"

Her terse reply: "I'm not sure we will have another child."

Things have become even more complicated now that men are starting to give birth.

Last spring I was mildly chastised by an acquaintance in Vancouver who asked why I hadn't mentioned anything about her pregnancy when I saw her the previous day at a conference. To be honest, I just didn't notice. But even if I had, what's a guy to say? Over a drink, she and two other women agreed that none of them would blurt out, "So, you're having a baby!" if they weren't really sure.

As my Grade 12 chemistry teacher probably still says, "When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me."

Image: http://www.theflorentine.net/, Issue no. 85

Call her first, she may be in curlers...

From the Chair's inbox:

Public events for September 7, 2008

5 September 2008

Ottawa, Ontario

Public event for Prime Minister Stephen Harper for Sunday, September 7th is:

Ottawa

8:05 a.m. – Prime Minister Stephen Harper will leave 24 Sussex en route to Rideau Hall to meet with Governor General Michaëlle Jean to ask her to dissolve the 39th Parliament for an election call October 14th, 2008.

24 Sussex
Ottawa, Ontario

* Open to Media *

Coming soon: The Chair's Guide to the Federal Election