Crowing Cock

I call Dwarfie for advice and he answers with his usual crusty this better be important grunt for a salutation.

"Hi, Dwarfie, I'm confused about something. Do you have a minute?"

"What's up, Toots?"

"I was reading Tiana's blog, and for the second time she mentions that her son has a giant cock. I can't explain it, but it bothers me to read that."

"That's because a cock is something you have sex with..."

"That's it," I respond relieved, "and on a baby..."

"You'd call it something else."

Avoiding the elephant in the womb

On a recent visit to one of my ancestral homelands, I met up with an old friend who is with child. She was waiting for me on the sidewalk outside the little bakery and, being one day past her due date, I had no trouble spotting her from quite a distance. I'm sure several people using Google Earth also saw her.

But I'm glad I knew in advance that she was expecting. I still remember chatting with a colleague about her children at a Christmas party, motioning to her belly and asking, "And when's the next one due?"

I might as well have said, "I hear you have AIDS! How's that going?" or "What's it really like being a neo-Nazi?"

Her terse reply: "I'm not sure we will have another child."

Things have become even more complicated now that men are starting to give birth.

Last spring I was mildly chastised by an acquaintance in Vancouver who asked why I hadn't mentioned anything about her pregnancy when I saw her the previous day at a conference. To be honest, I just didn't notice. But even if I had, what's a guy to say? Over a drink, she and two other women agreed that none of them would blurt out, "So, you're having a baby!" if they weren't really sure.

As my Grade 12 chemistry teacher probably still says, "When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me."

Image: http://www.theflorentine.net/, Issue no. 85