Showing posts with label Crime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crime. Show all posts

Thursday

Ottawa - the place to run to

Great news for tourism in Ottawa today. Richard Lee McNair, formerly one of the top 15 fugitives wanted by US Marshalls, has praised Ottawa as one of the best places to be when on the run. [Citizen: American fugitive fell in love with Ottawa, new book reveals]

This is great news because the City can really use a new tourist demographic. We've cornered the regional market for grade eight students doing the annual tour of Parliament and visit to the Museum of Science and Technology, but let's face it, junior high school enrollment is not increasing.

Meanwhile, with the upcoming passage of the Omnibus Crime Bill and its mandatory minimum sentences, we should be seeing a huge upswing in fugitives from justice.

I'm wondering about attractions we can hold out for them. McNair rode the O-train, toured Carleton U, strolled Dow's Lake and the Rideau Canal and went for early morning jogs. It doesn't seem like museums and government buildings were a draw for him.

Any thoughts on what features of our fair town we can advertise or develop further to bolster this new tourist cohort?

[Update: I'm afraid news like this is not going to help.]



Monday

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: the Secret Lair

As a criminal mastermind you need more than a hideout. You need a base of operations suitable for developing your nefarious plans to take over the world.

The Diefenbunker - too obvious?
Here in Ottawa there are many properties that will require very little retrofitting to meet your needs. Most are not currently on the market, but as an evil genius, you should be able to overcome that challenge.

The great news is that you'll be able to tour many sites without suspicion this coming Saturday and Sunday as part of Doors Open Ottawa.

Of course, you'll want to see the Diefenbunker. It is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday. In my opinion, the Diefenbunker is too obvious a location for a secret lair, but you're the evil genius.

There are a good number of embassies on the list as well as churches and schools that could meet your needs. Lisgar Collegiate used to have a rifle range on its 4th floor.

Traffic Operations - inspiration?
Even if you don't want to acquire one of the Doors Open properties, you might get some good ideas. For example, the City's Traffic Operations Unit at 175 Loretta Ave has control and monitoring systems you might like to study.

There is one possibly ideal location not on the Doors Open list we expect to be up for sale in the next few months. It's only a block from Parliament Hill and has escalators going up and down to a large basement. I'm talking about the Zellers at 156 Sparks. It's one of the few Zellers outlets that have not been bought by Target.

Your new lair?
If I were a criminal mastermind, I'd snap this Zellers up as soon as it comes on the market and keep it a low price retail store. Not just for the income stream, but also so that my minions could come and go without notice and I could buy their uniforms wholesale.

The light rail tunnel construction starting soon would also cover up the noise and waste from any excavation I wanted to do for extra sub-basements or my own secret tunnels.

Good luck wherever you decide to locate your lair. Feel free to invite us to the house warming party. We'll be sure to bring a suitably evil houseplant.

Tuesday

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Skill Building

Not quite ready to take over the world? Perhaps you need to strengthen a few skills or develop some new abilities. The City of Ottawa offers a number of low cost programs that can help you.

There are many suitable offerings in the Spring – Summer 2011 Recreation Guide. Here is a small selection from the adult program:

Public Speaking
Improve public speaking with practical tools including breathing techniques and voice work. Build confidence addressing a group in a supportive environment. Skills help in various professional settings.
Nepean Creative Arts Centre – 613-596-5783
Fri 6:30-7:30 pm
Apr 8-May 13 $61.25 645286
Chivalrous Sword Handling
Sword fighting? You mean like Lord of the Rings? Train in the safe handling and fair usage of the European Broad Sword.
Instruction includes parts and history of the sword, shield work, code of Chivalry and how to make chain-maille armour.
Plant R.C. – 613-232-3000
Level 1
Sun 10:30 am-12:30 pm
Jul 10-Aug 28 $90.25 635205
Hypnosis – Basic Techniques
Hypnosis is a tool to communicate with the subconscious. Learn how to achieve a deep sense of relaxation and assist with habits and goals with the guidance of a certified hypnotherapist.
St-Laurent Complex – 613-742-6767
Wed 6-8:55 pm
May 25 $68 636776
Jun 15 $68 636778
Jul 13 $68 636781
Aug 3 $68 636784
Aug 24 $68 636786

The City also has a program to prepare your children to become better henchmen for you:
Spy Camp
Hone your craft, meet ‘real spies’, and run training missions through top-secret briefings and activities. Develop a disguise, make and break codes, use escape and evasion techniques, create spy gadgets, and uncover the science in spying.
Pinecrest R.C. – 613-828-3118
6-8 yrs Tue-Fri 9 am-4 pm
Aug 2-5 $132 644569

FAQ
Q: Are there other courses I should consider?
A: Absolutely, if you haven’t worked your way up to Ballroom Dance Level 10, get on it right away. And if you have not mastered an obscure musical instrument you can start with piano lessons. The piano is not an ideal instrument for an evil genius, but learning it will help you learn how to play the pipe organ.

Q: Should I sign up for one of the dog obedience courses?
A: What? The only dogs an evil genius should have are attack dogs managed by a professional trainer. If you’re looking for pets, it’s cats or reptiles.

Q: Until my plans come to fruition, I’m a little tight on funds. Any way to get a break on registration fees?
A: Of course. Just apply to the Fee Assistance Program.

Wednesday

BREAKING NEWS: Conrad Black Appointed Head of Statistics Canada

Long census form records to be stored in his car trunk, never to be seen by anyone, anywhere, ever...


Monday

Other Mayors in the News: Preesall, Lancashire

From the Lancashire Telegraph in merry old England:

The mayor of a Lancashire village who got his “sexual kicks” by sneaking into bedrooms to steal and violate women’s underwear has been jailed for two years after he was caught out by a secret camera.

Church-going Ian Stafford, 59, was a highly respected member of the community and Mayor of Preesall, near Fleetwood, before his “bluntly revolting” behaviour was uncovered, Preston Crown Court heard.

Friday

Life in Wasp-boro



Breaking news from Kitchissippi Times...

Tuesday

Tracking the mint's missing gold

I happened by Mister Sloppy's place yesterday - okay, he happens to have air conditioning - and by way of breaking his grumpy Evil-Genius silence, mentioned the Mint's vanishing gold problem, and how the local Petfinder was just yesterday obsessing again about the strange silence of government, mint and red coated gendarme types.

Mister Sloppy snickered. My usually cast-iron coyote tummy clenched. That laugh is never good.

"Slop," I said, fearing the worst. "In your obsessive quest for world domination, you haven't sucked 15 million bucks' worth of gold into an improbability vortex? Or something?"

"I didn't need to," he cackled.

"Huh?" I can be a dimwitted doggy. Especially when it helps me enjoy nice cold air conditioning a bit longer.

"You know how the Tories - having such terrific heads for business - are all hot on selling off prime government assets at fire sale prices? To allegedly balance the government's books, even though it always loses major money?

"I was rummaging around a government network one night a coupla years back and sniffed out the fact that their brain trust had decided to flog the mint's extra gold inventory in secret. To - get this - one of those "We buy all of your used gold - no amount too large or too small" joints that advertise on late night cable channels. I hacked myself into a few emails as a discussion option, and incorporated myself as a cheap gold buyer the next day. Bought a few ads in throw-away tabloids and on cable to look legit. Hung out. Waited. The government showed up in no time!"

"Aaand?" I breathed.

"I drew up a contract they couldn't make head or tails of. Not that they ever make head or tails of anything," he snorted. "When the dust cleared, I had signatures on an airtight document assigning me fifteen million bucks in gold ingots and assorted refining scrap, purchased for the princely sum of thirty-seven dollars and fifty-two cents. Which, by the way, is actually about what most old gold places would have paid 'em. A buncha the backroom guys from the PMO are now so redfaced, all they wanna do is drop the whole story down a mine in Sudbury."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta pack." Mister Sloppy looked dreamy. "Maybe Switzerland. The ice cream in Zurich is fabulous this time of year."

"So you're taking a well-deserved break from planning world domination?" I said, hopefully. I've had enough Pepto-Bismol moments lately already, with Mayor Larry back.

Mister Sloppy cast an austere blue eye at me. "Of course not! The Large Hadron Collider is there, too..."

Friday

Stunned?

Many of you know that we of the Elgin Street Irregulars are big on lists of, ummm, five. If you don't, read our archives. You'll figure it out.

Some may also recall that I take a dimwitted quadruped's dim view of high voltage electrical discharges applied to living creatures. Especially since the Vancouver death of Robert Dziekanski after he was tasered - five times, it turns out - in October 2007.

With a full-on enquiry into the man's death, Taser International, cops in general and the RCMP in particular all seem to be heavily vested in denying that Tasers, police, Dziekanski and deadness are in any way linked. These may be honestly held opinions.

But I admit that my first uncharitable thought, when I heard about the Alzheimer's-like testimonial trend at the inquiry was, "Yeah, right. Stonewall away, guys...." Because, I reasoned, these talking points may also exist because if any of 'em did hint at regrettable liability, there could be legal and financial hell to pay, in Vancouver and elsewhere.

But faced with RCMP Commissioner Bill Elliot's plea for the public to walk a mile in his police force's spit-polished boots before rushing to judgement, I am now wondering about the real victims here. Could it be that the guys behind those electric stun guns really are victims, and worse off than Dziekanski?

Because after standing nearby while one of them pulled the trigger - did I mention, five times? - all of the Mounties present seem to have suffered catastrophic memory loss about the event. I don't wish to be uncharitable and suggest that they made their original statements under the mistaken assumption that no bystander had video-recorded the entire incident. Which would now place them in a position of having to explain why their statements and that video seem to part ways on several, ummm, crucial points...

No, we coyotes will take the high (voltage) road, and a charitable view of such memory loss. Obviously, the poor sunsabitches' neurons were fried by the weapon's electrical fallout. One weeps! To think of all the incidents in which police will be medically unable to remember why they zapped anybody! We could lose respect for the Mounties. And the legal system would surely descend into chaos...

Thursday

Let's talk Tasers

In the spirit of Full Service Blogging™, let's talk Tasers.

Apply Liberally is all over the latest round of the public, seemingly eternal Mayor Larry et-family-al trainwreck. Other pastures beckon. Apropos of which, I must declare my bias. My views may be coloured by puppyhood brushes with electric cattle fences: innocently skootching under a wire into a pasture and, ***BLAMMO*** I'm on my butt with my tail smokin' and my ears ringing. You figure out which side I take...

Most of us have seen the appalling video of Robert Dziekanski, and the national followup since last November. I keep seeing things that make me go "Whaaaaa...?". So many, in fact, that I only have time to hit this week's.

First: That while the CEO (Read: head salesman) of Taser International manages to get before a parliamentary committee in January to try to control the damage to his brand and pre-define the public debate (Roughly, "It's not a Taser-related death if the victim doesn't kick off while the probes are still glowing -- two minutes later and it ain't us, eh?") Dziekanski's mother didn't get a rebuttal until yesterday.

Second: That Vancouver transit cops have used these things as electric people prods on at least three people trying to do bunks after not paying their fares. The highest fare is, ummm, five bucks. Sadly, this is not isolated behaviour: there appear to be examples in many police services where 'boys with toys' have zapped (alleged) perps just because they have the damned things.

Third: That Ottawa City Police seem to feel that a Taser-mounted camera that starts rolling when the safety is turned off, stopping again when the thing is turned off after firing, addresses the problem. Ummm, I'm thinking that in any incident like this, one of the important bits is what pissed off the cop enough to thumb that safety in the first place. Not that I distrust police, but just to prove real provocation existed. Say, in a court of law.

I note with interest that spokesmen for both the Vancouver and Ottawa police took care to call the Taser "a tool", and that Taser - by its own narrow terms - labels it "non-lethal".

It's a weapon, dammit. Police may or may not need such a weapon in their arsenals. But let's not let the RCMP try to whitewash their use of Tasers. Let's not try to spin them to appear not to be weapons. Let's not let ourselves be spun. Already too many cops and quasi-cops apparently have drunk the soft soap from this heavy-duty spin cycle, and so have used these weapons where they're not warranted. And people - quite arguably - have died because of it.
Image: Siftings, Arkansas Herald

Sunday

12 other Mayors with problems

Ontario

  • Carleton Place Mayor Paul Dulmage has had a private charge issued against him dismissed after a businessman said the mayor threatened to hunt him down like a dog.

USA

  • Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is hanging on for his political life after the revelation that, among 14,000 text messages between him and his chief of staff Christine Beatty, there was evidence of an extramarital affair between the pair -- evidence that contradicts his sworn statements in a whistleblower case brought by former police officers that ended in $9 million in damages against the city.
  • Former Leighton, Alabama, Mayor Robert Ricks was sentenced to 12 months probation following his September conviction on federal extortion charges.
  • The mayor of Berryville, Arkansas, Timothy Ray McKinney, was arrested and booked into the Carroll County Jail early Sunday morning; charged with speeding, driving while intoxicated, and possession of a controlled substance. He was released on bond early Sunday afternoon.
  • Alice, Texas Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez resigned because of a custody dispute over a Shih Tzu named Puddles. Saenz-Lopez insists she didn't steal her neighbor's pooch.
  • Arlington, Oregon mayor Carmen Kontur-Gronquist who once stripped to her underwear and posed on a fire truck has been stripped of her office.
  • Bath, New Jersey Mayor David D. Mosey was charged with recklessly endangering another person, reckless driving, careless driving and other motor vehicle violations after it was reported he repeatedly crashed into another vehicle that drifted into his lane while the Mayor was on his way to take a stress test.
  • Police arrested the Mayor of Samson, Alabama, Clay Mchugh King, Friday after he allegedly confronted and stabbed a 44-year-old man he found with his wife.

Spain

  • Juan Millán, the Socialist Mayor of the small Málaga village of La Viñuela, faces a possible 18 months in prison in connection with three building licences, in a case where he is charged with perversion of the course of justice and also faces a 17 month ban from public office.
  • The former Mayor of the Málaga village of Cómpeta, the ex Partido Popular Mayor, Leovigildo López, has been banned from any public office position for the next seven years, in a sentence from criminal court No. 1 in the provincial capital which has found him guilty of planning crimes.
Republic of Kalmykia
  • Kalmykia's prosecutors have opened a criminal investigation into Rady Burulov, the mayor of the republic's capital, Elista, on allegations that his administration overpaid for goods purchased from a company owned by his parents.
United Kingdom
  • The mayor of Pembroke, Wales, Keith McNiffe is to appear in court accused of fraudulently claiming thousands of pounds in disability benefits while refereeing at football matches in west Wales.
Previously: Mayors with Swagger
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