Fairy tale town

Ottawa, though populated by many types that pride themselves on real-world pragmatism, is a fairy-tale town. If ya don't buy into this at first glance, go ahead, just scope out the gargoyles on that neo-Gothic pile up on the Hill. Or read one of local author Charles de Lint's books -- he's made a nice career of populating an alternate Ottawa with modern magic.

But there are plenty of other modern fairy tales here, and the fabulists to believe 'em .

The current prime minister, f'rinstance, thinks he's in control of everything... freak. He ain't a boss, so much as a strategy board-game player run amuck.

Certain of that crew of second-stringers sitting in that neo-Gothic pile up on the Hill also think they run the country. Huh. Tell the country that.

Or how 'bout this one? The assorted spin doctors that hang from the tonier walls across town think they actually fool the public. And I know from spin-doctoring. I chase my tail every morning. If I ever catch it, it's self-prescribed Band-Aids and Robaxacet all 'round... I digress.

These fairy tales are, of course, only the most obvious examples. At least to anyone possessed of half an Oreo's worth of creamy whipped filling in their bonces. StatsCan says there are 1,130,761 stories in the naked Census Metropolitan Area. I know a few. But if I told ya, I'd hafta feed you to the grotty trolls that have taken up under the Corktown Bridge. And they'd really appreciate a change from goat roti...

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

Those tricky Fenians are on the move. Not content with only naming important Ottawa sites, they've started buying up the city:

Historic church to become Irish centre after sale
Last Updated: Friday, June 29, 2007 11:47 AM ET
CBC News

A historic Ottawa church that parishioners tried to keep open by suing the local Catholic archdiocese has found a buyer.

St. Brigid's Church and Rectory in Ottawa's Lowertown district will be bought by a group of individuals in the local Irish community with their own money, said the group's spokesman Patrick McDonald on Friday.

It will become known as the Irish Canadian Cultural Centre after its deal is complete in September, he said....

The Fenian Naming Machine

"We're here for an impromptu ceilidh," said this fellow in his charming brogue.

It appears our local Irish mafia have got a lock on the name for the Rideau Canal Foot Bridge. The "Corktown Bridge" may not seem poetical to sensitive ears like those of our friend Coyote, but the Irish managed to outflank both the anti-semitic mayor troops and the numerous but poorly-organized Somerset Street denizens at the latest meeting on the topic.

Look at the enormous and frightening mob they can assemble at a moment's notice!

I'd say the only way it won't get called the Corktown Bridge now is if the Senators win the Stanley Cup on a goal scored by their only player with an obviously Irish name: Chris Kelly.

Yes, they use young women in fancy costumes to advance their agenda.

I hope you all realize this is just the thin edge of the wedge. Coyote and I did some discreet reconaissance and our sources tell us the local Irish have plans to put their mark on every new project coming to this City and they even plan to rename a number of existing institutions, for example:

• New Brown's Inlet storm drains: SewerDance!


• New Music Venue on Elgin: The Play Something Irish You Bastards Concert Hall


• Proposed Transit Viaduct: The Kiss Me I'm Irish Tunnel
  


• Municipal Waste Site: If it's Not Celtic it's Carp Landfill


• Ottawa's transit system: O'CTranspo
  


• 80 Elgin Street: The James Patrick Whelan Building

Here you see their Corktown Bridge logo. Commissioned for $5000 from a topknotch graphic designer and rendered to look like it is the product of a grassroots community group.

A bridge (naming contest) too far(-fetched)

According to the City Journal, the Rideau Canal Pedestrian Bridge Naming Committee has whittled down 50 potential monikers to just three: Somerset Footbridge, Charlotte Whitton Footbridge, and Corktown Footbridge.

We ESIs turned our ADD-addled minds to this question briefly and came up with several possibilities. However, we never, uh, got around to selecting the best one for submission to the committee, though the dependable Bob did suggest the Somerset Footbridge handle.

Here then are the Top 10 not-quite-so-much-rejected-as-never-formally-proposed names for the bridge, in no particular order (though I like the playful insouciance of Aggie's possibly bilingual suggestion):

10. Le Pont Bridge (4th Dwarf)
9. Pont Ifical (Coyote)
8. Music Bridge (Harmony)
7. By-ped Bridge (Anonymous)
6. Castor Bridge (Coyote)
5. Pont of Order, Talking Pont, Pont of Insanity (Coyote)
4. Rainbow Bridge (Coyote, now smacking of desperation)
3. Justin Trudeau Bridge (Conch Shell)
2. Demarcation Pont (Apostrophe)
1. Inspiration Pont (Aggie)

The ever-waggish Research Director chimed in recently with The Choketown Bridge. Then the Sens finished off the Sabres. But, hmmm, if Ottawa quacks out four straight ...