Oh, bite me, Peter!

"I don't really talk to my father in depth about his friendships. But I can tell you this: It was my opinion for a number of years that he should not associate with Mr. Schreiber, and I voiced that opinion," he said.

[*]

A Blogger's Guide to Delaying Discovery of Your Secret Identity

If you write an interesting pseudonymous blog, people will be curious about who you really are. Although they wish you no harm, many will treat finding your secret identity like a fun puzzle to solve. If they meet someone you work with, they won't be able to stop themselves from saying something like, "do you work with a curly-haired woman who went to Queens and recently adopted a schnoodle puppy?"

The following tips will help you to delay discovery:

1. Create your blog with an email address that looks like yourpseudonym@gmail.com. Use only this address for anything connected to your blog.
2. Lie about details that identify you or the people you write about. Make a list so you're consistent. Change hair colour, home towns, neigbourhoods, work places, birth day, month and year.
   
3. This means you cannot say what astrological sign you are. It will be okay. People will still understand that you have a complicated personality without knowing that you are a Scorpio with Taurus rising.
   
4. If you have a hobby or career that you have to write about, find some way to throw us off track. If you play the dobro, tell us you play the banjo.
   
5. Do not reveal how you placed in a specific competition.
6. Lie about where you go to yoga.
7. Lie about where you go for coffee.
8. Do not reveal your usual spot.
9. Do not use the same artistic style in drawings on your pseudonym blog that you use on your real name blog.
10. Don't link to your friends' sites unless they are also using pseudonyms and following these guidelines.
11. Don't comment on your friends' sites under your pseudonym.
12. Moderate your comments and do not approve any that reveal personal details about yourself that you have not already revealed.

And remember, you are only delaying discovery. Eventually people will know your secret identity.

Cheering on Andrew ZRX

Andrew Andrew
ZRX
We want you to write about SEX!
Give us an S
Give us an E
Give us an X

SEX!! SEX!! SEX!!

Encouraging AndrewZRX

There were 25 responses and the poll is over so I have sent the following message to our friend AndrewZRX:

Andrew,

Hello from me and your friends at the Elgin Street Irregulars Blog.

How are you? I trust you are well and that the reason we haven't heard from you is that your life is full of fun and excitement. If you are under the weather, I hope you are taking your vitamin D to compensate for the lack of sunshine in your day.

I realized we haven't given you much assistance with your blog posting prize so I ran a poll to see what our readers would be most interested in.

You can see the results at this link.

The bottom line: Somebody out there would like to read just about anything you write unless it's about politics.

You'll notice that 10 people would like you to divulge "an embarassing sexual incident" from your recent past, but I would take this with a grain of salt. I know some of those people and there are plenty of sexual incidents they have no desire to hear about.

So far, four people, one of whom would have to be your friend Zoom, say they would like you to write a posting that concisely touches on all the topics in the poll. I say that these people are demanding and greedy and should not be pandered to. Essentially they are asking you, a complete novice, to write the ultimate (or Platonic ideal) blog posting.

Instead, why not tell us about your pet?

Your friend,
Fourth

p.s. I'll be posting this on the blog and suggesting that readers use the comments to the posting to encourage you, ask questions, or make suggestions.

Yahoo Poem: Why Audrey?

I like Audrey because she sticks. By my side.
I like Audrey because she is funny. She tells the story of how she solves a crime.
I like Audrey because she is so pretty! Who is she?
I like Audrey because she's bold
I like Audrey because she gives heart and emotion to the series.
I like Audrey because of her sense of style
I like Audrey because she is in my homeroom
I like Audrey because she kicks girlie butt! I wouldn't wanna mess with her myself!
I like Audrey because to me she always dressed the part of a lady.
I like Audrey because she's very funny and natural.
I like Audrey because she's a smart, independent woman who's shown loyalty and quick thinking.

[The Search]

Man, I feel like (telling) a woman

An intimate reflection from Audrey

I have noticed that, recently, I have had some very deep conversations with men.

They have frequently taken place at the Usual Spot. They have also taken place at small dinner parties (including my own), hockey parties in private homes and bars (Go Sens Go!), and even at weddings (esp. while eating yummy Greek food).

As well, I have had these conversations during vacations in Europe with friends, in e-mail messages, and on the phone.

It seems that, these days, my male friends and I are always cautioning each other, don't blog this, before launching into a detailed story. We seem to be opening up more to each other. It seems that we suddenly all know about each others' salaries and mortgages and love lives and, unfortunately, angst.

In the past, only my boyfriends would have intimate discussions with me. They would tell me of the girlfriend who left them for their best friend, of the father who beat them, of the impact on them when their parents divorced or when one of their parents passed away suddenly, of their financial and career worries.

My other male friends would discuss romances, family, work, and money, but only on a very general level. (My women friends and I have always had these intimate conversations - especially when we have been trying to figure out men!)

However, now my eyes have been opened to the fact that men worry about the same things that my women friends and I worry about!

Men worry about:
1. Why a love interest only wants to be friends with them;
2. How they should treat a love interest if that love interest is already in a relationship, but if there is undeniable chemistry between them;
3. What are the appropriate levels of intimacy with a love interest;
4. How long they should stay in their present job.
5. How to dress well, without appearing to have made any effort;
6. How to take care of friends and family members who are going through a tough time;
7. If they should rent or buy. And, if they wish to buy, should they buy a family-sized house if they are single;
8. If they should have children, get married, settle down;
9. What is the best way to live a meaningful life; and
10. How to get over a broken heart.

Have I changed, or have men?

Say it ain't so, Pho. . .

Oh my... chagrin (deep) and despondency (utter). How could they? Post-last-call gourmets, gourmands and fur-bearin' varmints alike among the ESIs demand to know the meaning of this! For goodness' sake!

After we waxed all exuberant about Mr Pho on Elgin Street's felicitously diverse menu, they deleted poutine from the sign.

If this was the other side of the Ottawa River, perhaps we could see the twitchy hands of the infamous Language Police. But those particular officious bureaucratic twits do not patrol here. Yet. We have plenty of others.

And anyhoo, if I recall my colonial-era geopolitics correctly, Viet Nam and France once had a close relationship, such that decades later, the (heh...) lingua franca of that country is still pretty much French. It's a French Fact.

So why is there not room on Mr Pho's shiny new sign for peaceful coexistence, a diplomatic detente for the two great solitudes of Pho and Poutine? Tasty, tasty solitudes.... I digress.

One hesitates, in these benighted times and in this context, to stir up the currently-loaded term 'reasonable accommodation'. Yet it seems to my dust-glazed approximately-amber prairie eyes that, indeed, nothing on that sign replaces the deliciousity that is poutine. Except, well, a sad, sad blank space, pretty much exactly the right size for the word 'poutine'...

Why can't they all just get along again? I mean, it's not like the remaining Pho (...well, 'noodle soup'...), Pad Thai and Shawarma are exactly kissin' culinary cousins. So what happened? Enquiring minds need to pho... ummm, know...

Let's give AndrewZRX more help

We haven't heard from AndrewZRX for a while. I suspect he has blogger's block. I also suspect that, with the wide range of things he could write about in his one posting on our blog, he doesn't know what he should go with.

That is why I have placed a poll in the side bar. Please take a moment to read the list and vote for your choices.

I believe I can add items to the list until the poll closes, so feel free to suggest additions in the comments to this posting.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-11-09 Part 2 - Megan's Terms of Reference

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

After working out the contest details, the ESIs turn to a discussion of the Terms of Reference for the Consutancy Contract with an Ottawa Super-Blogger

Chair: I'd like to see bench-marking.

4th Dwarf: A confidentiality clause?

Aggie: She can help us explore the sex angle.

4D: But no ass piracy.

Conch Shell: We don't self-analyze. She should know that.

4D: Maybe we need help with that.

CS: If we think an idea is stupid, we will only attack the idea and not the person.

Chair: Maybe we'll attack the person a little.

Aggie: We will use only "I" statements.

Coyote: For example?

Aggie: "I feel that's fucking stupid."

Coyote: Should we redraw the org chart?

CS: What org chart?

Somebody: exactly.

4D: Does she think there are there other professionals we should consult? Graphics? Publicity?

Aggie: Raw food chefs...

Coyote: Molecular food chefs...

Plates arrive and the meeting is adjourned.

A night at the opera

In our mutual quest to understand and appreciate all things Italian, Audrey and I joined friends this week at Opera Lyra's inspiring performance of Don Giovanni.

Here is Audrey's list of the top five reasons to go to the opera:

1. Beautiful, well-dressed men in the audience.
2. Beautiful, well-dressed men onstage.
3. The performers sing in Italian but it is almost impossible to distinguish the words. Therefore, practise your French instead by reading the English surtitles and then the French ones.
4. Make notes for future play "Springsteen: the Rock Opera".
5. Be one of the local glitterati for an evening!

As you were...

Phew. Yesterday's drop in lululemon® stock prices appears to have been a mere knee-jerk market blip. The integrity of our (studiously mimeographed) Mumumelon® business case is intact. Apparently it takes more than being dead wrong about your product having some kinda wearable nutriceutical mojo. Or rather, not.

But lululemon®'s chairman apologized right away. They just trusted suppliers that told them the fabric was impregnated with seaweed: "Hey. It felt different! How were we, sharp business people that we are, to know the stuff was suspect? Now can we go back to making money, here?"

That's the spirit. Pure damage-control genius! As chief spokescoyote for Mumumelon®, I apologize for panicking. It was our news supplier's fault. How were we to know they'd update their story when the market changed direction again, two lousy hours later? Back to sucking on the hems of your favourite 'melon mu'umu'us, everybody... And to the naysayers? I say let the market decide. 'Cuz it's obviously so smart-like...

Image: corg.org

Interviews for Profiles

Dear fellow ESIs:

As you know, I have been completely blocked on the profiles. I had that one great moment of inspiration when I wrote the Chair's profile many moons ago. And, I have regretted even writing the thing, because the rest of you now resent me for not writing about you.

To remedy this problem, I would like each of you to fill out the following survey which will serve as a starting place for each profile. Megan suggested that it would be more fair to begin with the Irregular who blogs the most frequently. So, perhaps Dwarfie could complete the survey first. Thank you for your cooperation.

Aggie
xx

Survey

What do you consider to be your best quality?
What do you like to do when you are not blogging?
Tell me about your pets.
Tell me about your pet peeves.
If you were a pillow, what kind would you be?
If someone were to make you a pillow, what would you like it to look like?

Mumumelon® biz model: down the ol' flusher?

Aggie reports this just in from the CBC: Lululemon stocks appear to be taking a bath after an investor's private lab analysis discovered that a new line of clothing purported to contain beneficial health-inducing seaweed additives, turns out to be, ummm, maybe, less than likely to carry this enhancement. Could the venture be (fish?)tanking on the market?

Loyal ESI readers will recall that our nascent Mumumelon® venture was closely modelled on lululemon® -- in a matter/antimatter kinda way, since we're using many of the same marketing ideas to corner the exercise-wear market for the exact opposite somatotype. (That'd be the 'endomorphs', or to us new-age, workout-challenged lay-types, the potentially-lucrative Pillsbury Doughboy® contingent...)

To head off any financially-ruinous speculation among our main investors, I, as Mumumelon's® chief spokescoyote, just want to take this opportunity to assure the market (Huh? Whaddaya whispering at me? Oh! Them...) ...and our valued family of customers... that every mu'umu'u we produce is absolutely guaranteed to be factory-drenched in lime Jell-O®. If you start feeling a blood sugar emergency, say, after climbing the stairs or something, you can just suck on the hem until your head stops spinning and your glucose levels return to normal...

After all, the well-being of our bank accou... uh, customers, is paramount. Thank you.

Image: Toiletology.com

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-11-09 Part 1 - Meta Contest Winner!

Venue: The Usual Spot
On Time: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Agatha
Late: Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Independent Observer
Emergency: Meta-Contest and Terms of Reference for Consultancy
Called by: Agatha
Minutes by: 4D

5:19pm: Coyote suggests that we have quorum and can begin the meeting. 4D insists we wait until 5:30, the time that Aggie chose to begin.

5:30pm: Aggie calls the meeting to order. Coyote unwraps Woodsy's bribe. Aggie asks how we should divide it. 4D suggests each present takes one of the 3 Lindts, one of the 3 Ferrero-Rochers, and we divide the Toblerone between us. Aggie asks if perhaps we might have preferences, so that each of us could take a different brand. 4D shrugs. "Okay. I want this one," he says, reaching for the Lindt. "Me too," says Coyote, placing his own paw firmly on the Lindt so that 4D cannot take it. "Okay. We'll divide it," says Aggie.

4D begins reviewing contest entries; restarts when Conch Shell arrives; then restarts all over again when the Chair arrives. All present reflect carefully on each entry.

Urban Pedestrian: one of Aggie's home-made muumuus

4D notes that UP, with four entries, should be recognized for her frequent participation in our blog comments. But for this prize, all look to Aggie.

"Too much work," she says.

Woodsy: the t-shirt with "Rock on" and "Anyhoo" (very tight slinky number (size petite), not one of those baggy, oversize thingies that Dwarfie wears.)

4D is feeling kindly disposed to Woodsy because the Lindt white chocolate ball he consumed tasted great. Aggie is similarly kindly disposed.
Coyote notes that he has ethical issues to raise regarding the bribe: "In future, I'd like to see a lot more chocolate - and of higher quality."
4D notes a problem with Woodsy's prize suggestion. She wants the t-shirt with "Rock on" and "Anyhoo", yet she wants it to be a tight slinky (size petite) number. The fact is that the t-shirt is size XXX-large. It is tight (and slinky) on 4D, but would need staples or binder clips to be slinky on Woodsy.

Urban Pedestrian: a new pair of pink go-go boots, size 7 1/2.

UP's second entry is recognized to be 'not bad', but as our shopping professionals had not spotted any pink go-go boots at Value Village, St. Vincents or the Sally Ann, UP will have to hope for one of her other entries.

Harmony: world peace - "An inner disarmament of the human soul that replaces jealousy and hatred with compassion and a holistic world view …."

Aggie and Conch Shell indicate they would be prepared to work on inner disarmament. Coyote suggests this is all too complex. 4D and the Chair are completely opposed. Things get ugly. Expletives are uttered. Cutlery is waved in threatening fashion. Bar staff intervenes and restores order.
Harmony will have to stick with her Lama friend for this one.

Apostrophe: a kick in the ass

No one is prepared to declare Apostrophe the winner, but we'd be happy to arrange a kick in the ass for him.

zoom: a mojo kit, with little treasures contributed by each of the ESIs.

Still affected by the fight over inner harmony and the the Kick in the Ass suggestion, the ESIs aren't feeling the Mojo.

Audrey: a Google poem written by the ESIs. ... mention my name ... dedicated to me

"We don't write Google poems," says 4D, "we find them."

Tiana: I would like to win a poutine made with crisp potato fries, squeaky cheese curds and a thick vegetarian gravy that hopefully doesn't taste mushroomy.

"Who wouldn't want this?" asks 4D. "If we knew where to get this we would have a new usual spot."
"Besides," says Coyote, "vegetarian gravy is an OXOmoron."

[4D notes that all of the following entries did not follow the contest rules because they were not posted in the comments attached to the original Meta Blog posting, but to update postings, or in one case to another blog entirely. "Fantastic," says the Chair, "eliminate them on a technicality. Very Ottawa!" Aggie and Coyote insist that we give these entries an equal chance.]

Urban Pedestrian: An opportunity to find us another muse to metablog.

"Perfect" says Aggie. Everyone nods in agreement. The quest for a new muse has become a frustrating crusade for the ESIs. "But what does Urban Pedestrian have in mind?" asks 4D. "Is she thinking of being our new muse and having us metablog her? Or is she going to help us find someone else?"
"Does it matter?" asks Aggie.
"Her blog doesn't have enough personal revelation and dysfunction," notes Coyote.
"And she doesn't really know what she'd be asking for," says 4D, "it's a real be careful what you wish for situation..."
"We should direct her to some of the postings after the unveiling," says the Chair. [example]
"I miss the Fifth Muse" says Aggie. The ESIs spend a few minutes reminiscing about highlights of the time they spent following 5M's adventures.

Urban Pedestrian: 2 million dollars

The ESIs are ready to move on with no consideration of this prize until 4D notes that UP did not specify which "dollar" she wanted and at current rates, $2 M Zimbabwe would come to about $64 Canadian. "Still too much, but with Zimbabwe's hyper-inflation, we should keep an eye on it."

Asteroidea Press: I think that the prize should be a light bulb sculpture.

4D announces that he has investigated this possibility with the lightbulb sculptor. "He says that he's already sorry he invited us to his last couple of parties, he's still cleaning up from Halloween, he really doesn't want any further association with us and we couldn't afford his price for a light bulb sculpture anyway.
"So if she wants a light bulb sculpture, she'll have to go to him," says Aggie. All agree.

bob: "a really good idea" of what to get my cats for their first birthday... ideas of other genres too.

"I think he's already got this," says Aggie.

Eternal_Hermit: Since I'm in no need of material things at the moment, I'll win by default, wishing someone else wins

Aggie is irritated. "I do not want him to win."
"He can't," says 4D. "If he wins, he loses, if someone else wins, he wins, therefore he loses."
Coyote asks, "Can we give him Apostrophe's kick in the ass?"

Tiana: a hand-made Christmas tree ornament.

4D notes that Tiana is a total hottie. "Seems obvious who should get the prize," says another ESI. "Should that matter?" asks Conch Shell. 4D notes that anything that helps us reach consensus is a good thing.
Aggie indicates that she would be extremely happy to craft a Christmas tree ornament for Tiana.

bob: Aggie's cat pillow ...

Again, we all look to Aggie: "I'm out of fish fabric. But I would do anything for Bob." All agree that it would be best for Bob if we kept his involvement with Aggie at a minimum.
Coyote notes that Bob should consider the pillow to be a great idea for a present for his cat.

The Winner:

Although the discussion of each winner has taken a long time, the ESIs quickly decide that the Winner of the Contest shall be:

Tiana, who shall receive a hand-made Christmas tree ornament.

And in a feeling of magnanimity, they announce a First-Runner-Up:

The Urban Pedestrian, who will be invited to help us find a new muse.

Thanks to all for entering!

[Minutes for remainder of meeting to follow...]

Elgin Street, 11 o'clock A.M.

Emergency Meeting - Almost in Session!!

Agenda

-to select prize-winner of meta-contest
-to discuss terms of reference for Megan's consultancy

Holes

Holes hold a fascination for people. Coyotes understand this -- I like a nice snug one myself, smelling of dry earth, roots and many good books. Lately, though, my wanderings have taken me past this very large hole at Kent and Laurier Streets, where a noticeable crowd of men -- always men -- gathers to gape every week day at civil service quitting time. Which is anywhere between 1:30 and 5:00 on a given day... I digress.

This hole is a former Canadian Tire, and was the only hardware store left in Centretown. I do not address that loss directly here -- the Independent Observer is passionate on this, and tells hilarious, twisted stories around a series of crotchety correspondences with blandly clueless corporate flacks. He may write 'em up sometime.

Let's just say that the store's demise, and that of an adjacent pocket park, have left holes in the Centretown community. Now there are holes in the ground, soon to be replaced by um, erections, that we coyotes would argue are actually holes in the sky. Ones that punch holes in the ambient sunlight reaching pedestrians way down at ground level. In summer, there is permanent semidarkness. In winter, add cold, bitter winds shrieking between the walls of artificial canyons created by this and all the other holes in the sky in that part of the city. No one knows precisely how all of this will interact with the remains of the local micro climate until it's a fait accompli...

Among the definitions for 'hole' extant in the Oxford English Big Word Thingy for Literate Dogs are: "an empty space in a solid body; an aperture in or through something; an awkward situation". Less polite, more scatological dictionaries have other definitions of interest also. To describe the many levels of politicians, bureaucrats, city planners, investors, developers anon anon, who have taken part in imposing this dense skyscraper farm, one might refer to the latter...

*Note: The photo here is a composite, created with a demonstration version of a program called Autostitch. Five dozen separate pictures of the construction site and two hours of chugging on my wood fired computer -- et voila! The estimable David Scrimshaw told me about it and explained how the algae-rhythm works when the Irregulars went to his last party. He's gone to school for these kindsa things. What I took away from it was that this algae-rhythm thing has to do with pond scum -- either an R&B band formed by some of the more musically talented, or a method of asexual birth control sanctioned by their traditional church. I have no idea what this has to do with photo software... but I like the subtly off-kilter, weird, rickety, blurry thing, because it's pretty much how us coyotes see cities...

Behold, the most Canadian photo ever

Canadian Museum of Civilization, Gatineau, Que., July 2007

Hype

The Meta-Contest deadline is rapidly approaching (Nov. 8th - 7 p.m.) Although there have been a couple of solid entries, I am not feeling quite enough HYPE about this contest. Or, perhaps it is one of those contests that is just too good to be true. The Prize is THE PRIZE YOU SUGGEST, folks. How good is that? Don't deny yourself a good prize. Think about what you want, what you really want -- and ask for it!!! You have about a 1 in 10 chance of winning. And, you can submit multiple entries. No strings attached. What do you have to lose?

Weekly Coyote News Roundup

Coyote cleared in killing of man: Bears also cleared. Wolf guilty.

Shaving is effective disguise for Coyotes.

Squirrels are back on the menu in New Jersey.

Google Poem: 21 Things

1. The important thing is that you got it done.
2. The amusing thing is that I didn't really lose any weight.
3. The sad thing is that when Einstein was about, there were ample indicators that Newton had fallen on his face.
4. The interesting thing is that, if you're creative, there may be things at work that you're not even aware of.
5. The ironic thing is that this may be a very progressive thing.
   
6. No, the strange thing is that in almost every story people will sleep part of, or in many cases, the entire night, on top of the corpse before reporting it.
   
7. The odd thing is that I’m OK with this schizophrenia. I enjoy it even.
   
8. The unfortunate thing is that it’s always very late.
9. The sensation is unbelievable ... and the amazing thing is that it just never stops.
10. The scary thing is that you're on a starvation diet and your BMI is only 20.7.
11. The weird thing is that Adolf Hitler haircut that Tom Cruise is wearing these days.
    
12. Indeed, the remarkable thing is that in Spain there is a species of wild goat, the Spanish Ibex, Capra pyrenaica.
13. The surprising thing is that Mike had no idea I’ve been blogging about online video sites for months.
    
14. The neatest thing is that I can even watch naughty movies.
15. The coolest thing is that ALL of the sound effects are synthesized in realtime, on the fly!
    
16. The oddest thing is that 8 maids-a-milking only cost $41.20.
    
17. The funniest thing is that Russian soldiers have fewer rights than prisoners.
    
18. The worst thing is that we work non-profit, so we don't make very much.
    
19. The weirdest thing is that while it's the loudest tune on the set, it features Norman Blake on acoustic guitar with Burnett.
20. The cruellest thing is that their enormous size makes them all the more distended and more tempting to pop.
    
21. The saddest thing is that i have to go home after all the shangrilas by myself .
    

[*]