Monday

e-positioning for eco-sitioning *


Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'

- from Head Coyote Bob Dylan
In the spirit of year-end, it's time to consider the sins of the very recent past: A sheaf of history's political masters have defined leadership, in so many words, as the act of sensing what people already believe, then scrabbling to their head to take credit. Strange, then, that some current lint-brains claiming to be 'world leaders' do not grasp the axiom: You can't lead from behind.

I've heard some claim our current PM is a smart man. Yet he seems dedicated to trying to rule yesterday's country and economy in yesterday's world, having not grasped the fact that they no longer really exist. Yes, the CDN$ rides high on energy futures just now. But it's a fire sale, isn't it? The wrong kind of fire, at that. Obstinately self-blinkered to the fact of global warming, the PM stands against a rising tide, balanced on feet of oil shale - which is just another kind of clay.

Instead of harnessing the currents, winds and tides - physical, political and metaphorical - he's parked his throne to try to stop them. King Canute couldn't stop the sea from rising a thousand years ago, and I see no sign that the universe has since caved on any of the more immutable laws of physics.

Granted, the Rt. Hon. Mr. H. and his overpartisan hench-thingies are not the first politicians to misunderestimate** their actual grasp on the levers of political power. But as Kevin Conrad of Papua New Guinea pointed out in Bali last month, when you don't lead, you're in the way. Maybe you stall because your life, your daddy's or all of your friends' are dedicated to making a buck or million from fossil fuels. Maybe you're just a dogmatic hack. I can think of two or three North American heads of state who fit this bill. They, like the fuels they favour, are fossils. At Bali, they accomplished not the much-hyped and hoped-for climatic compromise, but a craven rearguard stall. They agreed to maybe do something. But later. Much later. Triple gin and tonics all 'round.

Too bad. Canada is a country poised with space and potential for large-scale wind, solar and tidal power development, and a portfolio of nice little pilot projects that could power a shift to a new-energy economy. Old and new tidal generators in the Bay of Fundy barely begin to tap the potential of the world's highest tides. Another proposal for an updated underwater turbine project on the west coast is just as promising. Wind blows across this country, with power for the asking if you can manage to avoid sullying Anne Murray's million-dollar view. Solar panels are finally becoming light, cheap and robust enough to use as twenty-first century shingles. Unfortunately states and provinces are the actors, while the feds stand idly, jeer into their sleeves and loudly pretend to be doing good things. (Hellooo, John Baird! Again!)

These things are the future because they must be. What stands in the way? A guy heading a government full of guys, and toadying to another guy in another government south of here, who doesn't get it either. All are vested in governing the past only, ignoring a globally-warming sea rising toward Tuvalu and points north. They'd best start swimming with the current, in all senses of that word. If they can't or won't, they'd better get the hell out of the way. Here comes the rest of the world, ahead of them already, and all wired up with the Internet to take action against their shortcomings. And I think it's getting pissed. Given the night, I know I am. Ta!

* Yet another in coyote's tiresome series of eco-rants. Collect them all and trade them with your friends! (Hey. I'll stop when this government starts to get it...)

** Sic. And hah.

Ecstasy

I am ecstatic (or maybe just seasonally sugar-shocked) to report that some extremely discerning example of Artificial Intelligence (or maybe just inelegance) appears to be taking our Mumumelon® product line seriously...

Onward and, uh, upward!

Saturday

Creepy as ever

Was pleased to see that the Elgin Street Irregulars still have the monopoly on creepiness.

Friday

Google Poem: Might as well believe it

it's hard to believe we haven't lived here longer
it's hard to believe that 25% of the American public doesn't know the earth goes around the sun
Until battery technology sees a massive breakthrough, it's hard to believe in any of these solutions

it's hard to believe that another year has come and gone so fast
Boxy shorts, boy's polos, long baggy skirts... it's hard to believe they were once the uniform of women golfers
it's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I was on my FlyLady kick
it's hard to believe that something that takes weeks of preparation is gone in a blink of an eye

it's hard to believe that this year marks my entrance into a third decade of life
it's hard to believe, but Illinoisans can begin voting via absentee ballot today
it's hard to believe this year is almost over
it's hard to believe that something like this is not considered a public safety hazard

it's hard to believe this isn't a cruel dream

[*]

Thursday

Warning to a friend

This may be a good time to stay close to Elgin Street, Coyote. It looks like City Councilor Doug Thompson has a contract out on you. Even if the experts don't think you're necessarily to blame. From the CBC:

Ottawa hires trappers to catch pet-eating coyotes

The City of Ottawa has hired trappers to capture coyotes after reports that family pets were being eaten by wild animals in rural outskirts....

But Gary Fischer, one of three trappers hired by the city, said there have been only two confirmed cases of pets being killed by coyotes in the area and he's not convinced coyotes are to blame for the other disappearances.

"I've seen cats taken right out of a field by a hawk," he said Thursday. "There are other wildlife issues here other than just the coyotes." [full story]

Related Stories:


Monday

Canada's Connection to Cool

If the Chair were only a piano...

Oscar Peterson (1925-2007)

Saturday

Avatar Battles: What I'm talking about

Best quote: "We need a dwarf!"


Thursday

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2007-12-18

Venue: A remote corner of a place that is not the Usual Spot

Present: Fourth Dwarf, Coyote, Conch Shell, the Chair
Absent with notice: Agatha, Independent Observer

Minutes by: 4D

1) What to do about [Redacted]
a) Who are they?
4D: Can't be any of us. You're all too bone lazy, I'm not, but (a) I'm too busy with my plowing contracts, (b) I hate wordpress, and (c) I wouldn't have done such an exact matching of aliases.

CS: What about Aggie?
4D: Are you kidding?
Coyote: She doesn't have the HTML skills.

The Stats Team discuss [...... ..... Redacted ...... .......]. Although they have deployed techniques matching those of the Las Vegas CSI team, they have no useful information.

Speculation swirls around various possible candidates:[..... ....... ..... Redacted ..... ....... .... ......], but settles mainly on [... Redacted... ]:

  • [... Redacted... ]
  • [... Redacted... ]

Coyote suggests domain-squatting [... Redacted... ].com
4D suggests this would be mean and pointless
Coyote says "Yeah. And...?" He then counter-suggests creating a [...Redacted...] blog.
4D: or [ Redacted... ]

b) One person? or more?
Consensus: Too soon to tell,but [... Redacted... ].

c) Do they know that we know?
The Stats Team point out [.... ..... ..... ... Redacted... .... ...... ....].

Coyote: And I [... Redacted... ].
4D: Huh?
Coyote explains [... Redacted... ]:

    [... Redacted... ]

d) So what do we do about them?
Consensus: [... Redacted... ]
Chair: I'd like to see some cash in an envelope.

2) Tiana's Prize
Coyote asks what we're going to do about it. 4D reveals that Agatha had entrusted him with the task and abjectly apologizes for not having completed the mission. He is sure that one of his plowing contracts will take him close enough to her neighbourhood to complete the mission before Christmas.

3) Love on the Internet
Conch Shell tells us of the tragic story of the 13-year-old girl who killed herself recently after a neighbour mom impersonating a 16-year-old boy online told her she'd be "better off dead". We discuss various people we know who have fallen in love with people through their emails and then dropped them soon after meeting in person. It is suggested that this would be an excellent topic for CS to blog on.

CS: Yes, I'm going to post very soon. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

4) AndrewZRX
4D asks if we should invite Andrew ZRX to post more. There is a brief discussion that notes:

  • the high quality of Andrew's posting and the ZRX motorcycle; and
  • the grossness of the placenta picture.

Unanimous: AndrewZRX is welcome to post again.

5) Contests
CS: We should have more contests.
4D: Like what?
CS: I like the Street Names one.
4D: huh?
CS: Renaming streets...
Coyote: or coming up with other blogs with street names, like "the Kent Street Incontinents"
All agree this has possibilities.

The Chair suggests a battle of the group blogs. 4D suggests we create avatars in World of Warcraft and take on all comers. Others seem less enthused.

6) Doomsday Machine
Chair: We should set up a Doomsday Machine. If we don't blog within a certain time period, the blog deletes itself.
CS: That's a great idea.

4D and Coyote look at each other and shake their heads.

Coyote: Right. More pressure to blog.
4D: Why do the two people who never post love this idea while the ones who do post hate it? Oh, of course, if the blog was deleted, there would be no pressure to post at all.

CS: I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others all act as though they believe CS.]

7) Life Coaching
4D explains he will be doing some postings related to life coaching and will be encouraging participation in this project from the other ESIs. Coyote gets that look on his face that means he wants nothing to do with this plan and thinks trouble will ensue.

4D: Don't worry, Coyote, you don't have to play if you don't want to, but you will want to and in fact, you'll be the most active.

8) Florence Appointments
With no discussion, The Elgin Street Irregulars appoint:

  • Independent Observer as Director of Italian Affairs; and
  • Audrey as ESI Cultural Liaison Officer

9) Conference Call with Aggie
4D briefs Aggie on the highlights of the discussion.
Aggie: Did Coyote get slammed for his rogue activity with the [Redacted]?
4D: Of course not. Only the Fourth Dwarf gets slammed for rogue activity.
Aggie: Right. Everything sounds great. I'm glad to see you're on it.

4D relays this and the others are pleased.

Aggie says something unintelligible. 4D asks her to repeat.

4D: Someone out east is slap happy?

Aggie: No, a blogger from the Far East says the ESIs are getting sloppy.

4D and Aggie have a brief exchange about what a loser this blogger must be. Everyone waves goodbye even though it's a telephone.

4D relates the sloppiness charge. The others express outrage.

4D: You know what? It's true. We have gotten sloppy. Coyote - using 4 words where 3 will do. Chair - sometimes it's days before we have a new movie in the sidebar cam. CS - I don't need to say anything to you, do I?

The others all hang their heads downcast for a moment as they reflect on this.

CS: But still. I am going to post something soon. Really. [The others do the usual thing.] And y'know what? Remember how it used to be when we started two years ago and we'd talk for hours about this stuff and it would bug other people so we'd have to change topics? And now so much has changed? But we're still into it and it still holds our interest.

Business is adjourned so the ESIs can discuss the "affairs" of those who are not present.

Wednesday

Bank & Somerset...


...reopened to motor traffic at 9 a.m this morning, after being blocked two months ago when Somerset House partly collapsed during renovations. Vehicular response: immediate, enthusiastic. We await the inevitable legal endgame with interest.

Tuesday

Announcement

The Elgin Street Irregulars are pleased to announce* the appointment of the Independent Observer as Director of Italian Affairs. The IO and Audrey, ESI Cultural Liaison Officer, have spent the last few months establishing the blog's world headquarters in Florence.

"My goal is to raise awareness of the ESI brand in Italy," the IO said. "Currently the blog gets three or four hits a month from Italian visitors, most of them winding up here by accident, or attracted by one of Aggie's recipes. With some sustained effort, I can help double or even triple those numbers by the year 2011."

Working from the historic San Lorenzo district, the IO has been busily conducting outreach activities at Osteria Pepo's trattoria and the nearby Dublin Pub.

"It is demanding, difficult work," added the IO when finally reached this week. "But make no mistake, demanding and difficult are my middle names."

* Pending approval at the next Emergency Meeting

Photo: Visits to the resting place of Galileo, also handy with a telescope, will prove inspirational to the IO as he assumes his new duties.

Monday

The mathematics of Larryness

Hi, class! I'm Prof. Coyote. My image consultant tells me this mortarboard crampin' my ears makes me look erudite. These charts 'n graphs, too. I was gonna round it all off with some really thick rose-coloured glasses I found in the waste can behind City Hall, too, but an odd little bald dude yelling, "Preciousssss!" came running up and snatched 'em away from me at the last second. Hope ya appreciate the effort.

I see from our last pop quiz that some of you are baffled as to what the hell informs the mental processes of certain mayors. Today's lecture may enlighten you regarding hiz, uh, honor's, public relations strategy last week, during which first the Ontario Provincial Police charged him, and then his famed "zero means zero" tax-increase promise became, oh, FIVE PER CENT. Whether anything similar could enlighten the mental processes of Mayor Lex to hisself is a whole 'nother kettle of kryptonite. I digress, in an absent-minded professor kinda way. Okay, movin' on...

Taxes: After nailing down that long-expected tax increase, Lex declared it was at least as good as zero because the rose-coloured glasses are off, he's learned lessons, become a better person. Exactly how is unclear, not for the first time - nor likely the last. (Council said four-point-nine, but we statistical coyotes always round up wild guesses, 'specially ones based on imaginary fat cashflow from provinces that have already said they ain't payin'.) All it cost the citizens of Ottawa for a new, self-improved Larry was a few hundred thousand bucks. Bargoon! We should be grateful. And as the bar graph below shows, on Planet Larry we so are!
Criminal Code Charges: Stay or go? Hizzoner says he believes with every fibre of his being that he's innocent and eventually can prove it in court. Well then. It must be so, because he's proven himself so astute-like already. But then he promised to consult with citizens as to whether he should stay on while dealing with this (strictly personal) matter, blah, blah, blah. After spending a nanosecond polling family, good friends and close supporters, he announced he'd stay. Those people form a statistically-significant proportion of the city's population, do they not?

Well, really, lately, any politician who utters the ol' 'public consultation' gag in this city is telegraphing in technicolor that it's all about pretend. But geez. Does the guy not have the decency or attention span to properly pretend to pretend? Meantime, more exacting polls place 'go' and 'stay' in a statistical dead heat. Even with all of hizzoner's family, friends and supporters bulking up that latter category. Not quite a clear endorsement, but hey: the pie chart down there proves that family, friends and supporters are any well-grounded politician's most important constituents, outweighing all others. That's what democracy is all about.

Swagger: Ooh! Remember when he promised to make Ottawa 'a city with swagger?' Like it's a good thing? Never understood that myself, though other lecturers at Irregular University gave it a shot. Despite Marlen Cowpland's wardrobe, Ottawa remains pretty much a gray-flannel, button-down kinda place. Okay, possibly it actually dresses more eclectically than that these days, but it's still discretely self-effacing. Yet my Oxford Big Word Thingy, Canine Edition, defines 'swagger' as 'behaving with an air of superiority, in a blustering, insolent or defiant manner; now esp to walk or carry oneself as if among inferiors, with an obtrusively superior or insolent air...' I don't get it. That's not an image anyone 'cept maybe some kinda outta-touch narcissist would want. Uh, oh, wait...!
Now class: remember all of this. It's on the final exam, possibly in three years. But maybe sooner.

Sunday

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

I am reliably informed that Reykjavík, Iceland, is the world's northernmost national capital. I am rather less reliably informed that a whole buncha Scandinavian countries (Both Helsinki and Stockholm f'rinstance - and this, people, is the gosh-darn problem with wikis...) appear to claim that distinction for mainland Europe.

Therefore, we in Ottawa are mere pikers. Pissants. Poltroons. Hell, there's still half a continent north of our latitude. Which isn't to say we don't get a little winter once in awhile.

Take today. Media weather types are all a-tizzy. Not sure why. As another blog so recently noted, approximately: "It's Canada. It's winter. Suck it up." Amen.

After last month's string of cranky eco-rants, I promised myself I wouldn't go all David Suzuki on your asses anymore, at least for awhile. But hey. Our federal environment minister? The one that had his face rubbed in it? Severely? By the world in general? In Bali? Last week? He's still doing his gosh-darn twisted-boy-scout best to speed up global warming. Enjoy this great weather while you can.

Thursday

Oh, and that Schreiber/ Mulroney thing...?

...Kinda like watching eels Mazola-wrestling. Don'cha think?

Wednesday

Urban Pedestrian Still Missing-in-Action

As you know, our meta-contest, runner-up, Urban Pedestrian has disappeared from the blogsphere. I am worried. Of course, over here on the ESI blog, we always think it's ALL ABOUT US. My first thought when Urbie disappeared was that perhaps she was going underground in order to make herself the Muse... We have been looking for a new muse for quite a long time now.
Another possibility is that she found herself a new crowd. I hope she didn't have a bad blog experience -- like someone making a mean and nasty comment that led her to delete her whole blog. Or, maybe she has blogger burnout. I hope she is ok. It would be nice if she would just give us a little sign.

Tuesday

Bringing down Somerset House




Demolition crews crunched down about ten per cent of Somerset House today. CBC says it's an attempt to gain engineers and repair crews access. Depending on provincial and city officials' assessments, they could soon begin foundation repairs that may save the rest of the building. Or not.

Unfortunately, for the street vista, work centred on the building's easternmost wall, decorated with an iconic mural depicting what street life in Ottawa may have been like around the time it was built. The old gal didn't give up easily -- one bystander said the big shovel 'could only break off about seven bricks at a grab'. After the first shots were done, the engineer went up in a manlift to take a look at the situation, then ordered a little more crunching. Being suspended by crane was the only safe way for him to check the building, apparently. There was a lot of 'hurry up and wait' while it happened.

Nevertheless, there were a buncha rubberneckers, watching a fair storm of brick and masonry dust flying around at times. And one coyote. Who still has a lot of antique brick dust in his coat...


Friday

Presenting..... Tiana's Prize

Tiana's prize is ready. Remember that confusing metacontest when contest participants could win the prize he or she requested? Tiana requested a handmade ornament, and she won!
This ornament is a miniature log-cabin quilt square. I thought this seemed appropriate for Tiana right now as she settles into the holidays. I like the symbolism of the log-cabin motif. The red in the centre symbolizes hearth and home. I used red and green because of the Christmas thing, but I like the tropical feel of this piece. The lighter colours represent the lighter things of life (the sunny side of the cabin!) The darker colours represent the darker and deeper sides of life. I hope you like it, Tiana. It is ready for delivery!

Where is the Urban Pedestrian?

Over on my blog, it was brought to my attention that our runner-up has gone missing. Does anyone out there have any information on this strange turn of events?

Thursday

Tuesday

AndrewZRX: Motorcycles, Birth Classes and Roundabouts

This is a guest posting from AndrewZRX:

I recently blew up my motorcycle. I wouldn’t do this every day, but I’d highly recommend you try it at least once.

Wait - how does pre-natal classes at 7:30 am on a fucking Saturday morning sound? With my tongue still pickled, too, from the scotch the night before. Soften that cervix, baby.

No, the motorcycle sounds better. Or it did, anyways, before it blew up. Have you ever seen piston rods blasting out the front-end of a high-revving four-cylinder 1100cc motorcycle engine?

The midwife droned on for three full hours, using stained, filthy props and plastic posters of a graphical nature. The most interesting bit was the bit about the placenta -- or, more precisely, what people do with it afterwards. Some bury it in the garden during the full moon. Incantations are involved. Some people take them home and eat them. Apparently they’re quite tasty with garlic.

Actually, neither have I. (Seen the piston rods etc.). But as it was happening I was worried about grievous bodily harm, if you follow. Luckily all is well. So says my wife at least.

Do Canadians eat their babies’ placentas? I don’t know. But I sure miss Canada. I have a soft spot for those Canadian government screw-ups. Scandals in Canada rarely involve 25 million lost records, or illegal wars, or the shooting of innocents in the back. Canadian screw-ups are generally benign, and I miss them.

I miss the seasons, too, but at least over here I can ride my bike year round. It gets slippy in the roundabouts sometimes, but you can still do it. Roundabouts are a good thing. We should have them in Canada.

Here a few things you should know about roundabouts:

  • If you like, you can go round and round. Just keep going. Beware of dizziness.
  • There can be several lanes in a roundabout. Incorrect use of roundabout lanes can result in permanent disfigurement and embarrassment. Utilize with caution.
  • It’s usually best to figure out where you’re going before you enter the roundabout. Otherwise you may get herded and end up in East Kilbride.
  • Roundabouts can creep on a man. You can prepare yourself for this irritating tendency by driving faster than everyone else. When the roundabout materializes out of the Scottish mist, just claim it as your own.
  • Roundabouts are not the place to be gentle and kind. Be assertive. Exercise your roundabout rights.
  • When you start seeing signs for East Kilbride, you are lost. Do not head for East Kilbride. Circle back and try again.
  • Drive on the left. This can take some time to master. But it’s fairly important. Watch for roundabout combatants coming from the right.
  • Roundabouts are a serious business. Remember this and you’ll do fine.

It seems there are a few things you should know about labour as well. But I can’t seem to remember. She kept heading off on these strange tangents, telling fragmented stories. My mind wandered. Once in awhile my ears would perk up, expecting to finally hear something useful. But then she’d backtrack again, and I’d drone out. I was thinking about a bass riff in a John Scofield song called Over Big Top. The bass gets right in there and opens up doors.

We’re due at the end of January, so I just bought a new motorcycle. It’s black and shiny and pulls wheelies without much effort. Maybe I’ll get a sidecar for the wean. Hopefully I won’t blow this one up too.

AndrewZRX lives in Scotland and bought the opportunity to post here from Zoom in an auction on eBay. If you are wondering what placenta looks like, he offers this link.

Monday

Requiem for a Tavern

Went to work and then to Hull. Then the B.C. Met Dan M. there. Talked about airplanes. Home at lunch, then to Capital and then the Prescott. Met John B. and Jack M. Went to Alex and had green beer. Then to Ritz and met Jim G and Eric C. and learned that Denny G. had a heart attack and died at the Ritz. Jim G. lost his driver’s license after neg. breathalyzer test.

Partially redacted diary entry: Tuesday, March 17, 1970 – Ottawa

My father kept a daily diary from the year 1965 until his death. His diary was more of a journal of the day’s events as opposed to any personal and private confessions. It sure wasn’t close to anything like a blog. Of the over thirty years of entries, I have yet to find anything getting close to wanky self-indulgence in them. His self-indulgence rested in the activities he logged about. And Ottawa’s taverns ranked fairly high in those activities.

In his diary of 1970, the Ritz Hotel, on the corner of Bank and Somerset, figured prominently, though it ranked second place to my dad’s favourite watering hole – the Belle Claire Hotel on Queen Street. The B.C. was a popular haunt for many Ottawans, and was noted for its decent food. It was regularly patronized by politicians, sports figures, police, and crooks. Paddy Mitchell and his cohorts were regulars there. The Ottawa Rough Riders also made it a second home. Yeah, the good ole days when sports pros were just regular Joes who drank as hard as they played.

On Bank St., there were a few choices. The Alexander Hotel (the “Alex”) was a popular spot near the corner of Bank and Gilmour. The Ritz, on the other hand, never had the class of the Belle Claire or the Alex. It might have in its hey-day but by the early seventies no one of note was a regular there. Up until the mid-1970’s it maintained its segregated entrances: Men’s Tavern on one side, Ladies and Escorts on the other side. I can still sense the smell of stale beer, smoke and sometimes-urine that would waft out the doors as I walked past on my way to or from Big Buds or Hartman’s IGA with my mother. A big part of why the corner of Bank and Somerset Street is still considered the dodgiest part of Ottawa rests with the legacy of the Ritz Hotel. Some of that carried over to the Lockmaster, though the Lock carried a special nostalgia by the time it came on the scene, what with taverns being very much in decline. University kids and karaoke changed things for the better, I suppose, but not by much.

Now the wrecking ball looms. The Grads. The Alex. The Windsor. They are all gone. The heritage neophytes are up in arms about losing this grand old building first occupied by the Crosby Carruthers Company in the late 19th century. A few of us reminisce about the good old days of the Lock or the Duke of Somerset, or hanging out on a Sunday night to see Ottawa’s version of The Pogues: a band called Jimmy George.

I read, not long ago, prior to the renovation failure, that the owner was intending to open up some new retail services on the site. They were even thinking of putting in a Tim Horton’s.

Maybe it’s good that we let it fall.

For my mother, I know she won’t regret seeing it come down. She carries no such nostalgia.

Halloooo, Winter!

Saturday

This just in...

Hey, is that camera thingy on? It is? Oh... Uhh...

Hello! And welcome back to ESI-TV's FuckWitLess News©. I'm your new Anchordog, coyote. Got the job because news anchors are mostly hair and teeth, and us coyotes are, with absolutely no hint of false modesty, all over that hair and teeth thing...

Finally, today's editorial: Our close competitors over at CBC reported that His Civic Baldness, Lex "Larry" Luthor, announced on national radio (Shelagh Rogers, no less...) that Ottawa will deal with the homeless panhandler problem by setting up meters in the Byward Market. Small-scale philanthropic sorts can stuff their change into these, instead of giving it directly to, you know, those pesky homeless. That only encourages 'em. Instead, the city will use money so collected to generously bestow shelter and other basic services upon, you know, those pesky homeless.

There are a few pigeons in the ointment, though. One is that Lex didn't discuss this grand plan with council before presenting it as a fait accompli. Those pesky, you know, councillors, may yet have a thing or six to say about this. Another is that the putative meter plan is a selective tax on the well-meaning stupid. Since it interposes a new bureaucracy between donors and donees, much of the meter money likely will have to go to pay, uh, suits, many of whom already have homes.

Panhandlers -- and, yes, Ottawa has a lot of 'em -- may discomfit more sensitive souls like, uh, Hizzoner. But they have, within bounds, a right to do what they're doing. Just as sensitive souls have a right to refuse them money.

"The homeless" are not a monolithic bloc that can be herded in a single direction. Unless maybe you herd cats. They are individuals. Each has reasons for panhandling that, to him or her, are valid. Many refuse to sleep in shelters, which they regard as unsafe, sometimes with cause. Some aren't going to buy into any city programs. Why would they, when the mayor has a well-documented hate-on for 'em?

Mr. Less Government seems to be back onto his weirdly obsessive attempt to run the city as something other than a civic democracy. He may have bitten off more than he can chew... again. And checks with cities that already ply this scam -- er, scheme -- Denver and Winnipeg spring to mind -- suggest that it doesn't work. Larry's research for many of his hairless-brained schemes seems to consist of a quick Google to see if anybody else is doin' 'em. He apparently skips deeper reading that would confirm whether they actually work.

Maybe, rather than trying to sneak a crummy, ill-conceived little voluntary fee and its accompanying bureaucratic paraphernalia through the back door, Hizzoner might try to negotiate, you know, a council consensus, to have the city levy honest taxes and then use 'em to deliver honest social services. Like it should be.

FuckWitLess News may return the next time Hizzoner says something dumb. I'm guessin' we don't have long to wait. 'Zero Means Zero' ain't anywhere near done with, yet. Thank you. BuhBye!

Fade to black aaaand.... cut! Cue makeup with the Dustbuster! The damn dog is shedding all over the newsdesk...!
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