Memo to Steve: Just Shut Up.

A brief pause from dating paradigm updates to inform all and sundry that it's time for another eco-rant. Us coyotes are feeling out of sorts and heavily slimed, this morning.

I have just heard the PM's flat voice invoke words from Wallace Stegner's Wolf Willow in a say-nothing statement to an environmental conference in Bonn, claiming his government is all hot on protecting this country's wilderness. Huh.

Stegner, before he became a writer's writer, was an American homesteader's kid whose family retreated back to the US after the Dirty Thirties' dust storms blew the farm to hell.

So I gag because Wolf Willow's setting has made it a staple classic of Canadian prairie literature. I love that book. It is a history/memoir written in prose as pure and honest as the south Saskatchewan air, in which Stegner lived the life that became the book. Purity that is, in my view, the exact opposite of the policies of a government that pretends to care about environmental stewardship only so far as this is likely to get it re-elected. Preferably with a majority. I hate that Harper has taken a beautiful thing and publicly mauled it with crude, oily mitts. Protecting Canada's wilderness? Tell the ducks that just drowned in tar sand tailings. Tell the next generation about the way Kyoto was dumped because it interfered with short term 'smart-money' (an oxymoron if ever I've heard one, and I've heard a lotta morons in Ottawa....) economic goals.

Pretending to care about the planet to dodge inconvenient questions about his recently fired foreign affairs minister has to appeal to Harper. He also may have enjoyed the semiotic irony of quoting Stegner, an American, writing about saving the Canadian wilderness. But for all his strategic posturing on the world stage, his government is doing pretty much squat.

Steve. You lying bastard. Stop embarrassing us all. Just shut the fuck up. Seriously.

Photo: Wolf willow, near Calgary, by ocean.flynn on flickr

RNDP 8: Google Love

Our next stop on the quest for an RNDP is Google Love. Reece Dano advocates that Google create a new online matchmaking service leveraging their knowledge of us. While other online dating services suffer from limited pools of available people and self-misrepresentation by the people that are there, everybody uses Google and Google knows "your interests, your true friends, your pet peeves, your neurotic preoccupations" and "probably knows about your ‘private’ sexual proclivities".

4D Analysis: Google would indeed have better data and as much computing power as anyone to throw at this issue. You wouldn't even have to sign up for it as Google already knows if you need help finding a date.

But is Google able to tell what constellation of interests will match with another constellation? For example, a man who loves golf can also love a woman who abhors the game, but a woman who likes camping and mountain climbing should never try to be with a man who doesn't even like sitting in a suburban backyard.

More fundamentally, is a high degree of common interests, opinions and preoccupations a good indication that two people should be together? Or that they will want to stay together?

In my next instalment of the RNDP series, we'll see that there is a growing body of scientific research, and we're talking real science with control groups and test tubes, suggesting we should be looking in a different direction entirely.

Taxi Driver Story II - The Soothsayer

Last Monday, after an amusing evening romp with a mere mortal, I was once again heading home in a taxi.

Unlike my other taxi driver, this fellow allowed me time to settle my dainty derrière into his crackly plastic covered back seat before driving off erratically.

He did not speak, but I was aware that he was staring at me fixedly in his rear-view mirror. “Oh, here we go again,” I thought, sighing lightly in an attempt to conjure up serenity.

Suddenly, he began speaking to me in a loud and passionate voice.

He explained that within a few seconds of seeing someone's face, he knows things about them. It is a gift. He does not see the future; he just sees things as they are.

And since, as you well know, it is a long drive to my home in the woods, I was his captive listener.

If I tried to thank him for what I perceived to be compliments, or to comment that he was correct about certain points, or to insist that certain things that he was relating to me were impossible, he would erupt and spurt, "You cannot argue these things with me. That is reality what I tell you!”

That is Reality

You are a kind person. That is Reality

You are a good person. That is Reality

You see life in black and white and know what you want. That is Reality

You have worked very hard all your life, and now you deserve to have fun. That is Reality

You have been a very good mother, and now it is your time to relax. That is Reality

You have taught your children to be the same kind of person that you are - kind, intelligent, and caring. That is Reality

You are involved with a man who loves to give you kisses everywhere. That is Reality

You are involved with a good and kind man. You will have a very happy, kind relationship. It will last forever. That is Reality

You will be married in 1-5 years. That is Reality

You will have 2 children - a boy and a girl. That is Reality

When you live with this man, every night he will want to be with you. He will cover you with kisses, and he will melt into you. That is Reality

To his suggestive comment about a man melting into me, I reacted, "Hey!"

"What?! That is natural what I tell you! It is on TV, it is on the Internet, it is in the movies - it is everywhere," he responded excitedly while waving both hands up I the air."

Has anyone else caught a ride with this soothsayer?

RNDP 7: Beyond the salmon skin bikini

Time out! Enough about revolutionary new paradigms that require actual thinking - or, worse yet, actual change - by would-be daters. Too much work and not enough profit potential for ESI Inc.

Instead, let's go the Cosmopolitan Magazine route. Heck, they have at least a half-dozen revolutionary new dating paradigms per issue, if the covers at the checkout line are any guide. Most seem to involve trying new (allegedly) kinky moves, bathing suits or lingerie - so no real thought on the part of the user. Easy!

One possibility for at least half of the population hit all the local throw-way news tabloids just this past week. (Oops. The Petfinder ain't a throwaway? Who knew?) I speak, of course, of the salmon skin bikini. Why this is suddenly "new" is anybody's guess. Or more likely the work of a really frenetic and dumb-ass-lucky publicist - because as Time Magazine notes here, they first showed up in 2003. So five years ago, all you loser lifestyle editors who bought into the latest hype campaign! But hey, with any luck, the reference in the heading on this post'll get us mega hits from unsuspecting Googlers looking for the (heh...) skinny.

Anyway,, I'm thinking women who want to wear scales to find true love - you know who you are - are neglecting the traditional values. I mean, of course, not fish but reptiles. Ummm, not the ones you've dated.

Imagine yourself in one of our comfy Mumumelons®, complemented by an alluring, accompanying line of fitted snakeskin lingerie/swimming separates! To whit: CoBra® tops and Aspanty® bottoms, currently under development in Aggie's fertile fabric lab. I understand the snag so far is tanning the snake skins properly - the scaly buggers keep rubbing each other's backs with SPF 90, every time we try to hit 'em with the sunlamps...

RNDP 6: MySpace

Two years ago, a blogger named Nurble in a posting titled myspace told us about what he'd initially thought was a new dating paradigm, but turned out to be shameless self-promotion:

...some girl started chatting me up at a bar last night. She didn't actually seem interested, she seemed to just be killing time, so we talked for two or three minutes, then she asked if I was on myspace.

"Interesting," I thought, "is this the new paradigm for the 21st century? No more phone numbers and Swingers-esque waiting x number of days to call and sweating it out?" Maybe we can start giving out our names and email addresses and account names instead of just shooting in the dark.

We can admit what everybody already knows, that the first thing most of us with computers do when we get enough information is run straight to google and try and dig up some juicy info. How fascinating it would be if the new thing was "give me your name, assume I'm going to go home and read everything you've got scattered around the internet, and after that, we'll see."

Interesting indeed. Unfortunately this girl was not on the avant-garde of a new dating paradigm, she was just some actress who had 1100 friends and a poorly designed page full of headshots and pictures of her with celebrities. Booooo.

Unfortunately, this posting in which Nurble revealed himself to be that rare combination of fieldworker and theoretician did not live up to its promise. Nurble rarely commented on dating following this post. We know he was concerned about finding a date for the 2006 Emmy Awards and he found one. In July, 2006 he posted a bit of dialogue that may have been a transcription of an actual exchange from a date:

INTERIOR, NIGHT Guy: Are you going to take your contacts out? Girl: I was thinking about it, why? Guy: Well, if you're going to, then I probably shouldn't. Otherwise we might find ourselves in the worlds sexiest game of Marco Polo. ...and, scene.

In September of 2006 he revealed that he sent a copy of What's Your Number by Ian Pooley to a woman and it "didn't really work out..." but this could have been at anytime before this. We know that he later had a beautiful girlfriend lying in his bed while he was blogging about songs. And now he is moving to New York with his beautiful girlfriend. The same beautiful girlfriend? Perhaps.

4d Analysis: This fieldwork gives us more questions:

• Was Nurble too hasty to dismiss this as a new dating paradigm?
• What if her Myspace pages had revealed them to be more compatible? Say if he also had 1100 friends (instead of 12) and some of them were famous? Or if her page revealed her to be a shy but thoughtful artist?
• Or was his sense that she was just killing time all that he needed in order to know that she had no future in his life?

Bonus: Here is a Nurble Posting that Aggie will like.

On Questions:

"...questions are more important than answers in shaping the future of science."
- Donald Kennedy, Editor-in-Chief, Science Magazine

To be able to ask a question clearly is two-thirds of the way to getting it answered
- John Ruskin

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers
- Voltaire

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
- Albert Einstein

Are we Cool Over 40?

Our friend XUP is all over the blogosphere these days and is even back to blogging. Last week, she posted two excellent pieces, one on how to be cool over the age of 40 and another on how to live to be much older than 40.

Today I am taking a break from the smoking and drinking XUP recommended, from my quest for an RNDP and from wooing Ms Twain, to bring you:

A handy table that shows how the ESIs stack up on XUP's coolness indicators

Quality 4D Aggie Chair Coyote CS IO Woodsy Cool Job -1 1 -1 1 1 1 1 Hair -1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Shoes -1 1 1 -1 1 1 1 Clothes -1 1 1 -1 1 0 1 Teeth -1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Gadgets 0 01 1 0 1 22 0 In a Band 1 1 1 1 0.53 0 1 Avoid malls 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Talk Cool -14 1 1 -15 1 1 1 Walk Cool -16 1 1 1 1 1 1 Hangs with the Cool 1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 -1 Activist 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 Total -3 8 7 2 9.5 8 8

Notes

1. Aggie has a laptop and a cell phone, but doesn't know how to use either very well.
2. The IO has a Blackberry.
3. CS says she's in a band. Her bandmates are not so sure.
4. 4D actually says "in my day" on a regular basis.
5. Coyote: "***BLAMMO*** I'm on my butt with my tail smokin' and my ears ringing. You figure out which side I take".
6. Unless you think 4D's limp-hop-stride is cool.
   

Obvious conclusion: If I am negatively cool, that means I am hot.

AndrewZRX: the Placenta, the Motorcycle and the Baby

This is a guest posting from AndrewZRX:

I need to do something about the placenta in the freezer. My wife refuses to put anything into the same compartment. She says she won’t eat anything that’s been near it. My plan was to dry it and crush it up, then bring the powder to my father’s cottage in Wakefield, Quebec. I was going to plant a maple tree with it. But apparently it takes about 12 hours to dry a placenta properly, and it smells up the house. She’s having none of it. So. Seems I have to get rid of it.

Speaking of motorcycles: I like the roundabouts here, but I sure miss driving on the right. It’s the biker wave. You can’t really do it properly over here. The controls are on the same side, but because the roads are backwards, the wave looks like you’re waving to someone on the sidewalk (pavement) to your left, rather than someone across the road on your right. (Most of us have learned that the wave must be executed with the left hand, to keep the right on the throttle and covering the brake). So if you want to wave, instead of just coolly letting your left hand off and giving a wee flick, you have to raise your hand high enough so the other guy will see it. It’s too awkward. I won’t do it.

Bruce is 11 and ½ weeks old now. (Why can’t he just be three months old? When do we stop counting in weeks?) He turned out to be more than I thought. He’s just so beautiful. I get to see him change every day, developing, figuring stuff out. He looks at me this certain way sometimes, this look that says: I am alive, and I find it quite good indeed. But the thing is, he doesn’t look like a baby. He looks like his own witty wee soul. He’s already here. He’s sentient, self-aware, and already has a sense of humour. And I’m his Dad.

At first I tried the head nod. But what if you were just bouncing over a bump? It wasn’t clear. Then an Irish biker friend told me that Europeans wave with their feet. Good idea – that right foot isn’t usually doing anything special anyways. So I tried it. I felt stupid. Like, really stupid. So I tried something else – using my right knee, foot on the peg, but opening my leg a little. It didn’t feel stupid. It felt wrong, like I was sending a signal. And I never got a response. I wonder what would have happened if I tried that in Germany. In black leather.

Back on the Bike That Blew, I settled for the head tilt, a popular option in Scotland. A nod with a rightward spazz of the neck. But it was so unsatisfying.

The new Kawasaki Versys I’m riding has a high slam trigger switch, like pulling the turn signal stalk on a car. This is how I now acknowledge my motorcycling brethren. No contortions of the head, no left arm raised in the air like some fucked up salute, and no encouraging the Germans. Just a flick of the high beams.

The wave is an important part of the biking experience. It means more than just hey, look at us, we’re bikers! It means we recognize the awesomeness of it. It means we respect each other for keeping the rubber side down. It means we’ll help each other when we’re in trouble.

I can’t wait to get Bruce on the back of the bike. My wife says, “No. No way in hell”. But I know just what she means. She means: “I know there’s no way of stopping you. Just promise me you’ll be safe”. And I will.

All the firsts are all the time. Just like that, he’s now telling us stories. I don’t understand every nuance, but I think I’m getting his drift. It’s a hell of a thing! He’s going to blow my mind when he first speaks.

The placenta? I can’t just throw it out, not after all this. So I’ve been meaning to bury that placenta in the backyard. I just haven’t got around to it. And it’s sure to come up again, in the middle of an argument about something else entirely. I need to head that off. But I just can’t seem to find the shovel.

AndrewZRX lives in Scotland. Everybody has to be somewhere.

FLASHFLASHFLASH!!!!!

Uh oh. Suddenly, Shania Twain is single again... and 4th Dwarf is a die-hard country music fan. When in his cups, he's been known to publicly bemoan the fact that Canada's Country Music Cutie In Incredibly Abbreviated Outfits ever got married. He always said it should've been her bed his moonboots were under. Fourteen years ago, and the shock still feels just like yesterday to him. She broke Dwarfie's heart. Oh, sure, he says he burned all of her CDs, but on certain dark nights, the sound of her digitally-enhanced voice could still be heard seeping beneath the door of his grotto, singing harmony to loud tormented wails. It was all very embarrassing.

What effect this earth shattering news will have on his revolutionary new dating paradigm research is anybody's guess. Will Dwarf's hope rise, phoenix--like? I dunno. But I bet this'll probably be interestin'...

RNDP 5: Smiling at Strangers

In 2006, 29-year-old Alice Brome found the nerve to ask out a man that smiled at her in a restaurant and in doing so, she discovered a new dating paradigm: "I don’t have to wait to be asked I can go after the man I want directly."

On their date, she found that "he was insipidly narcissistic and just plain boring". Showing that she is a true pioneer of science, she continued with her new paradigm and asked out two more strangers. In one case, the man was married and declined. With the other, she reported having two fun dates, a third date planned and being at "that point of either becoming friends or moving on to something a little more serious."

Sadly, I can find no further reports from Ms Brome. Those of you who are pessimists may conclude that something terrible occurred on the third date. I prefer to think that our intrepid researcher found herself in love and chose to protect the privacy of her new partner by not writing about the relationship.

4d Analysis: Brome's new paradigm has one element that explicitly differentiates it from her old paradigm: She is asking out men rather than waiting for a man to ask her out. What is not so clear is whether her old paradigm included going on dates with complete strangers. Whether it did or not, her new paradigm clearly allows it. In this paradigm:

1. She is explicitly choosing the men because she likes the way they look^[1] and they smile in a way that implies they like the way she looks too; and
   
2. She may be unconsciously or implicitly relying on the location where she encounters these men for an assurance that they are in an appropriate socio-economic group for her and will have personality and character traits that appeal to her.^[2]
   
   

   Strangers In The Night - Sinatra (Final Fantasy 8 video)
   Uploaded by MimicheLaCrapule
   
   

Her anecdotal report suffers from the main problem with research in this field: the small non-random sample makes it impossible for us to draw general conclusions. However, it does demonstrate that while her paradigm can result in a boring date, it can also result in a fun date.

This leads to a formula I have developed for assessing the Expected Value of a Date (EVD) for someone using this paradigm:

EVD= P_b × A_b + P_f × A_f

_Where:

• P_b = the probability of winding up on a boring date
• P_f = the probability of the date being fun = (1 - P_b)
• A_b = the subjective measurement of how awful the boring date would be
• A_f = the subjective measurement of how fun a fun date would be (in units that are inverse and proportional to the units of A_b)

These variables will change depending on the individuals involved, but I think you'll see that we can use some general norms to arrive at a basic assessment for the paradigm.

Let's assume that the date will be boring if the man has narcissist personality disorder, Asperger's syndrome, or is an accountant.

Narcissists: 1% of the population have NPD, but perhaps 75% of those with NPD are men. So lets say 1.25% of men have NPD. [Wikipedia]

Asperger's: It's hard to get a handle on the prevalence of Asperger's, let's go with a high estimate of 0.4%. [Wikipedia again]

Accountants: It's danged hard to find out how many accountants there are in Canada. At least I couldn't find out in the five minutes I spent looking. But I found out how many Canadians were employed in "Finance, insurance, real estate and leasing" and in "Professional, scientific and technical services" in 2007: 1,060,400 + 1,136,900 out of 16,866,400 employed = 13%. [Statscan]

Making the unlikely assumption that there is no overlap in these groups, we arrive at a total of 14.7% for P_b and a corresponding 85.3% for P_f or that it will be a fun date.

Now, how bad is a boring date? Let's set an evening at home watching CSI and Law and Order as 1 fun unit (Fu) while an evening at home with nothing on but reruns is 0 Fu. Can we say that a boring date is -1 Fu? And the average fun date is 2 Fu?

If so we get:

EVD = 14.7% × -1 Fu + 85.3% × 2 = 1.56 Fu

This means that a woman who uses Brome's paradigm regularly can expect over the long run to have evenings that are noticeably better than watching new episodes of CSI and Law and Order.

This is an important finding, but the quest must continue because we have not yet settled whether fun should be a focus of dating and we don't know the likelihood that dates with smiling attractive strangers will lead to deeper relationships.

____________________________

^[1] We should not assume that Ms Brome is shallow. Liking someone's looks can go well beyond appreciating their high cheekbones and low waist-to-hip ratio. It is also about noticing whether they have kind smiles for their friends and the serving staff, how often they laugh instead of frown, whether they have an artful sense of style or a lack of vanity, and much, much more.

^[2] This is why Aggie avoids Big Crab's Daddy Shack.

RNDP 4: The Feng Shui Dating Coach

Our next stop on the quest for a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP) takes us to Best Life Services where we meet dating coach Katherin Scott who offers a "new dating paradigm that yields an abundance of fun, positive, and promising dates". On her own website, Making Love Work 4U, she says she coaches "Singles to attract true love and keep it... forever!"

To get you to this new paradigm she offers the following services:

• Individual Coaching: One-on-one sessions, usually by phone, to help you get clarity on your romantic goals and create an action plan for achieving them
• Special Activities: Gain dating confidence through dances, socials, and speed dating events as well as seminars on topics including body language, weight loss, and how to attract your life partner
• Attracting Love with Feng Shui: Applying Feng Shui principles to create an energy flow in your home environment that attracts romance and lasting love

Feng Shui? Weight loss? Speed Dating? This isn't a new paradigm, it's 90s new age mixed with 80s marketing.

But let's dig a little deeper. She has a Q&A page on Making Love Work. It's light on dating talk but it does have this:

Q: Where exactly can I meet a great guy? I've looked everywhere and I'm exhausted.

A: It seems to me that you're looking for the perfect place to meet the perfect man. Actually, anyplace is the perfect place to meet a perfect man. (My dad used to say "Love is geographical. Wherever you go, you can find love!")

My guess is that you're not getting good results because of the WAY you're dating. Recognize you are the constant in this equation. Therefore, you must change YOU -- and the way you're going about dating. Take the time to evaluate your dating history and patterns.

Remember, the definition of dating is - spending time with multiple people for the purpose of having fun. Sounds like you aren't having fun. Stop doing what you're doing - and do something different. Change your approach and your attitude.

Scott's answer makes several things clear. The key lies in her "definition of dating" as "spending time with multiple people for the purpose of having fun". While there is no definition of dating that satisfies everyone, it is generally agreed that dating can take place when there is only one other person involved; and while everyone would likely agree that having fun is to be pursued on a date, the usual purpose of dating is to see if the two people can develop their relationship further.

I think what Scott means is that for her the paradigm, or ultimate example, of dating involves having fun while spending time with multiple people (presumably consecutively rather than concurrently). I assume that what makes her paradigm "new" for her clients is that she helps them analyze their old patterns and become someone who has fun.

Judging by another page on her website, she uses a battery of personality assessment tools like Meyers-Briggs, along with the standard life coaching technique of asking open-ended questions that force you to come to the conclusions she has made for how you should change your life.

Should dating be about having fun? In Jane Austen's Persuasion, Wentworth realizes he is in love with Anne after she calmly saves the day when everyone else is all in a dither over the silly Musgrave girl's concussion. I have a pirate friend who tells me that before he met his wife, he would deliberately create situations of stress to see how the women he dated handled a crisis. For example, one relationship ended when his girlfriend took it badly that he had locked his keys in the car at a mall parking lot. Oddly enough, he says he never tried the stress test with the woman he married.

4D Analysis: Katherin Scott's new dating paradigm involves mystical crap that cannot be supported and has an emphasis on life coaching that makes me skeptical, but her website has given us a number of points to keep in mind in the quest for an RNDP:

• Should a dating paradigm focus on finding the one perfect person? or should it focus on finding multiple people who might be fun?
• Do people who have not found dating fun need to change themselves first?
• Should dating be fun?

By the end of this series, we should have the answers to these and other questions.

P.S. Stacey, although it means more work for me, thank you for providing a copy of the "Hooking Up" article. Zoom forwarded it along to me just like you figured she would. If anyone else wants to send me email, I'm at gmail.com. fourth.dwarf

P.P.S. To the person who dropped a copy at my door of I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris who I understand exposes the "Seven Habits of Highly Defective Dating" and offers a realistic outline of how to have a biblical vision of marriage, I am really not sure if I'll be offering thanks or not.

Taxi Driver Story I: My Don Juan

A few nights ago, after a date with a cute pixie, I hailed a taxi to go home.

“Hello pretty lady,” the young, swarthy taxi driver amiably says even before my itsy bitsy rear end is comfortably positioned on the seat.

Hmmm, he’s good, I think. He’s managed to cover up creepiness in his voice completely. So, what’s he up to? Is this just an innocent comment? Something he says to all the women who get into his cab?

He starts chatting. I learn that he is a full-time taxi driver and a part time student, and that he is 20 years younger than I am.

Then, somehow in the midst of talking about school and the courses he is taking, he turns on the overhead light, spins his head around to face me, flutters his long black eye-lashes at me and declares, “I prefer mature women!”

He turns back to facing the road, and turns off the light. I hear him chuckle.

“You prefer mature women? How mature?” I question.

He turns around again, the light goes on once more, and he presents me with a pout this time. “Your age.” he says softly.

I can’t help but feel that this young Don Juan pup has taken lessons from 4D in wooing women.

He returns to a safe driving position, the light is turned off again, and another chuckle is perceived.

“And why do you prefer older women?” I ask, determined to control the conversation.

“I like that they are experienced, that they do not have inhibitions, that they never have headaches, and that they take care of me…”

“So, are you married?” I ask, knowing fully well that he is. He wears a wedding band.

No chuckle this time. He is serious as he says, “I don’t know why, but I feel comfortable telling you this. I don’t usually tell women this (I don’t believe him), but my wife is cold. She is a good mother and a good wife, but she is cold. You understand what I mean, right?”

It’s a long ride and he continues, asking me directly at one point if I will consider being his lover. The overhead light is turned on many times, and many times he twists around and purrs, “Look at my lips… Don’t you want to know more about these lips? Don’t you want kisses from these lips?”

I am quick at deflecting, and getting him to talk more about his wife and children.

He starts laughing after a while, and resorts to chatting in a friendly manner. He stops pursuing me, and wants to know what kissing means to me. It is a serious question.

When we arrive at my place, he tries one last time, “Are you sure that you are not interested?”

“Yes, I am sure.” I repeat confidently.

“Listen,” I say, “think about this when you go home to your wife tonight. You claim that you like older women, correct? Well, that beautiful young wife of yours will one day be a mature woman. She will be the kind of woman you desire.”

He smiles at me. I suspect that I have made a point.

As I hand him the fare, he takes my hand and kisses it gently and says goodnight.

I am not offended. He has conceded defeat in a gentlemanly manner.

But, I am left to wonder about one part of the conversation… what does kissing really mean to most people?

RNDP 3: Monty's New Dating Paradigm

Monty of Much Ado About Monty... is the third link Google gave me in the quest for a revolutionary new dating paradigm. He is also my favourite of them all. I thought about saving Monty for later, but today really is the day to showcase him.

Just over a year ago, Monty was finding that his dating strategy using Gaydar (eHarmony for non-straights) wasn't working and so he came up with a new plan in a post called Changing tactics...:

I've decided to stop dating a bunch of new guys each week and instead, focus on the guys I've already met. ... I am not dating-with-relationship as the goal, but rather it's more about making friends with the guys I have met. If a relationship is going to happen, it will happen in its own time (and most likely when I least expect it). No use trying to force it - I just need to relax and enjoy the company of these guys!

...Naturally, Monty can't completely change his spots and so to keep things interesting, I'm allowing myself one new guy per week. So, whilst I haven't jumped off the Gaydar merry-go-round completely, I'm at least slowing it down to a more manageable pace. And I'm liking this!

Two weeks later, Monty gave an update in My New Dating Paradigm...:

I've been rabbiting on about my New Dating Paradigm over the last couple of weeks and as everyone is aware, I've not been so successful in sticking to it.

...now, instead of a hard and fast rule of ONE newbie per week, it shall simply be my goal to date only one newbie per week. That way, if I do end up with two or even three newbies in a week, I'll be simply exceeding my goal...

I must say however, that I have succeeded in slowing down the dating merry-go-round and so the NDP is achieving its purpose. I'm having more 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates etc which is much more fun! And I'm getting to know these guys better and becoming friends with them. Life is so much less stressful and I'm definitely not feeling as fatigued as I was when on the merry-go-round. Yay!

Now it is a full year later. How did Monty's new dating paradigm work out? Today his post is titled: The L-Word...

And NO, I'm not becoming a Lesbian! The L-Word I'm referring to is THAT one...yes, dear readers, LOVE!

...it's only since I've been out - 22 months and counting - that I've been open to the idea of a relationship ergo LOVE. And as you, my dear readers, are aware, since then I've certainly been out there trying to find Mr Right - and finding lots of Mr Right Nows (and the odd Mr Oh-What-the-Hell-Were-You-Thinking-Of)! That is, until I met McBrad. Ahhh, the gorgeous McBrad.
...
And so last weekend, we were lying in bed talking - proper serious talking, the relationship kinda stuff - and it just came out - naturally and honestly and soberly! And boy, did it feel good! McBrad obviously liked it and definitely showed me how much he liked it - WOW!!! But I was really happy that I did hold out until I was ready for it. (Not that he pressured me or anything - that was the really nice thing. He wanted me to know how he felt and was happy to wait until I could respond) And now, I just want to keep telling him! I don't of course - don't want to overdo it, but it's just such a liberating thing! I love McBrad!!! And I want eveyone to know! Wahooooo! :-)

4d Analysis: Monty's "old" dating paradigm was to see 3 or 4 new people every week. The "new" dating paradigm was to see 1 or 2 new people every week along with 1 or 2 that he'd been out with before. The new dating paradigm clearly worked for him.

As he is just one person and self-selected rather than randomly selected, we have no statistical confidence that his NDP would work for others. On the other hand, he has demonstrated that his paradigm can work for at least one person. We have no such proof from the authors who brought us the "Feminists in the Office without Chivalry" and "Hooking Up" paradigms.

Yeah. And what about the larger metaphysical implications...?

RNDP 2: Hooking Up?

Google's next hit in our quest for a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP) is an article called Sexuality, Reproduction and Menopause : Editorial: the new sex in ... Although we cannot see the article because it is behind a pay wall, Google tells us that it says:

The new dating paradigm is to get together casually, called “hooking up,” a term that defines a lack of commitment or expectations other than sex and ...

4d Analysis: Unfortunately, I blew my research funds on a bottle of tequila and couldn't afford to buy this article. They might be on to something, but isn't "hooking up" what fuck buddies did in the 80s and what free-love hippies did in the 60s? In other words, not new?

RNDP 1: Feminists in the Office without Chivalry

The first place Google takes us in our quest for a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP) is Gradspot.com where a writer named Gritz tells us that the new dating paradigm is to look for career-oriented women at the office and forget about chivalry.

Paradigm Shift #1: The office is the new bar

As Rosenbloom explains, “Those who follow the evolution of the workplace romance say the stigma may be fading because the line between business and personal life is blurring among younger workers. They are working longer hours. Their workplaces encourage collaboration. And, of course, most single people are in the work force.”

Paradigm Shift #2: Feminists are the new hot girls

...A “career-oriented” women—too often used as a descriptive shorthand for a feminist—is now more acceptable than ever....

Paradigm Shift #3: Chivalry is dead

Fourth Dwarf Analysis:

It appears Gritz and the writer Stephanie Rosenbloom have spent little time in the workplace and possibly less time dating. The only "new" thing in this 3-part paradigm shift is the throw-away line that "chivalry is dead". People have always hooked up wherever they happen to meet. Feminists have always been the hottest women. If chivalry is dead, based on the comments we've seen about how it's appreciated when guys pay for dinner, fellows who revive chivalry are well appreciated.

It could be that Gritz is suggesting that women should stop looking for chivalry in the men they are dating. Unfortunately, Gritz has given us no basis following this suggestion, but we'll explore the idea in future postings.

Quest for a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm™ - Introduction

Several weeks ago, I told you all how to get down to kissing at the movies, and a bunch of you turned it into a silly discussion on paying for meals and assessing personal characteristics. Near the end of this discussion, Zoom suggested that "The world needs a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm™."

Does it? I almost replied, Isn't what I've suggested good enough? Get yourself next to a snoggable someone in a dark place and try out your moves! It might not be revolutionary or new, but it works.

However, many of you are not willing to accept my expertise in this area and maybe it's my fault for not giving you enough reason to. So, I have embarked on a quest to find a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP). (I won't be trademarking it as Zoom suggested because I believe in freely sharing the wealth of my intellectual property.)

Step 1: Go to Google.

A search for "Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm" only gets 1 hit. (Of course, by the time you are reading this, it'll be 2 hits, and far more if you're only getting around to reading this after I've finished this series and the world catches on to the brilliance of the RNDP). The lack of other hits is a sign that nobody else has found a revolutionary new dating paradigm and may even be evidence that Zoom is right that the world needs one.

A search on "Revolutionary Dating Paradigm" gets the answer "No results found for "Revolutionary Dating Paradigm". (Not anymore of course, but how about I stop writing these parenthetical disclaimers and we just take it as understood that every time I describe a search, this posting and any posting that quotes it will be on Google if you try the search yourself.)

However, when we try "New Dating Paradigm", we start to get somewhere: 15 hits.

Step 2: Literature Review

I have examined each of the sites with references to a new dating paradigm and I am happy to report that while a couple are useless for our purposes, there is some valuable work taking place out there on the World Wide Web. There are relationship scholars who are using their formidable skills on this topic and even some who are doing crucial fieldwork at their own risk and expense.

Investigating the work of these scholars has taken me on a wide-ranging adventure. I've combed through scientific articles, Wikipedia entries, the urban dictionary, and many other sources.

In addition to looking for new dating paradigms, I've also investigated new dating schemas, and new dating methods. (Did you know that to tell how old bones are, radiocarbon dating is out and now they're measuring the amount of radiation that has been absorbed by the sand that is found with the bones?)

Step 3: Report back on the new paradigms

In upcoming posts, I will be looking at sites that describe a "new dating paradigm" and reporting on what we can learn from them.

Step 4: Report back on further work

Following these posts, I'll be exploring schemas, methods and other research avenues that have been suggested in the paradigm research.

Step 5: Conclusion: The Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm

That's right - a conclusion. This series will end with an answer. Not a suggestion that further research needs to be done and a request for more funding. You'll be getting your paradigm.

What's this Two Lip Fest, anyway?

I don't get it. Why hold a Two Lip Fest? Makes no sense to celebrate something so ordinary. Doesn't everybody have a pair?

Or is it supposed to be about the kissing...? Like in those old country songs, where there's always a line about "pressing your two lips close to mine..."?

Top SeKrit Public Announcement

Pandora and coyote are pleased to announce that they are ramping up an Ultra Cosmic Top SeKrit Project, final results of which will be released in due time. It will be highly secret and scientific, involving ummm, really science-y secret things.

Do not try to find out what we're up to, or you will face consequences. B-a-a-a-a-d ones.

Pandora's sprightly dimples camouflage extensive international training in the dark arts of elocution instruction, which have equipped her with an infinite number of ruthlessly exotic ways to stun, torture, maim and/or kill those who would try to subvert our purpose.

Coyote’s semi-mythical snout camouflages an extensive set of real pointy chompers, and he owns cookbooks full of exotic cat recipes that would make a Tartar blanch. Oh. And millennia of experience have made him kinda sneaky about the bite-and-run thing.

If, in the course of your daily rounds you accidentally spot us doing Ultra Cosmic Top SeKrit Stuff, look away. Leave quickly. Go someplace else. Hide. Tell no one. If you do tell someone -- or worse yet, if you actually try to follow us or question us on this matter, we absolutely cannot be held responsible for what accidentally happens to you. But it will be b-a-a-a-a-d... and we'll really enjoy doing it.

Thank you. You may now commence floating the usual wild and groundless speculations.