Sic (Ottawa) Transit (in)Gloria Mundi...

Huh. On Day 51, call the Ottawa transit strike "officially done". Stick a fork in it. And one apiece into Mayor Larry O'Brien, and union leader Andre Cornellier, for utter disgrace under pressure. Oh, hell! Bring out all the place settings and start forkin' everybody over! There's plenty of responsibility to go 'round.

The city and the union last evening agreed to binding arbitration - as much as any two parties with a big honkin' federal gun to their heads can be said to "agree". Seems it was pretty much the solution proposed within the first two days, before the Mayor and the leader of the union local turned the whole city into an arena for an epic personal pissin' match, the like of which even coyotes rarely witness. And we know from pissin' matches.

Now, we semimythical coyotes are never bitter, cynical and obsessive, or anything. Even as we lick chafed and frozen appendages. However, we suspect it will be highly instructive to observe (and carefully note) the order and speed with which this sorry affair's numerous flawed leads and over-confident second bananas trot out their individual attempts to publicly grab credit and apply their over-torqued spins, pre-fab self-justifications, and weaselly personal self aggrandizations. Oh, wait... it's already begun!

Less than 30 minutes after the announcement, unless the cheesy dollar-store digital clock I picked out of the trash one long-ago recycling night was even more bafflingly inaccurate than usual...

Now, excuse me. I'm going to go suck my frostbitten paws. But I'm not bitter. Or anything...

Galling Galileo Gamesmanship

Poor Galileo Galilei. First his works were banned by the church. Then the father of modern science was subject to house arrest. In his final years he was completely blind, having suffered vision problems throughout his life.

Of course, it didn't stop him from making earthshaking breakthroughs in astronomy and physics, including discovery of Jupiter's largest satellites and early analysis of sunspots. Not to mention design of the first automatic tomato picker.

Now some overly zealous British and Italian scientists want to exhume Galileo's body to determine whether his irregular sight affected his findings.

Is this any way to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Galileo's initial use of a refracting telescope? Methinks not. Memo to scientists: my astronomical mentor is not a shovel-ready experiment.

ESI - Smarter Than Fifth Graders

Aggie's Pirate Chest Nestled Next to Her Favourite Port

Aggie, Fourth Dwarf, and I met at Pandora's house in the sky to play LOOT - The Plundering Pirate Card Game, and drink some of Aggie's economical winter drink.

"The game is for ages ten and up," I comment innocently.

"Oh, that means it's going to be hard," worries Aggie sweetly.

"A ten year old is a fifth grader," adds Fourth Dwarf.

"That's when kids are at their smartest," Pandora elaborates.

"That right, Pandora," concludes Fourth Dwarf, "and that's why so many people aren't smarter then a fifth grader."

Google Poem: More than one way?

* if you think the only way to get laid is by drugging someone in order to sleep with you, that is rape and you need to be locked up

* best way to get laid is put her on her stomach, take down that panty shield, and poke until she makes sounds

* Perhaps the best way to get laid is to lead a life worth living.

* Fastest way to get laid is to know what artist your gurl likes most and buy all their albums! You have no idea how many times I have to listen to Chris Brown or Justin Timberlake!

* The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.

* The best way to get laid is without having to use a pickup line; weed out the sober ones who still have their morals intact!

* I am thinking that the easist way to get laid is to hit the club

* It's a truism worthy of Yogi Berra to say that the best way to get laid is to lose your virginity.

* many neanderthals believe that the best way to get laid is to just get her drunk. Don’t get me wrong; that is a fantastic idea if you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship and she is just not in the mood very often

* an easy way to get laid is baking tasty shit for people who think that stuff is hard. ...

* And the best way to get laid is to pretend to be someone else who is cooler than yourself.

* the only way to get laid is… to be rich!

* I was obviously wrong, and the only way to get laid is by emotional manipulation. I have found, from personal experience, that virginity leads to feelings of shame, rage, frustration, inadequacy, isolation, alienation, ...

* a dude in his underwear sitting in his mom's and dad's basement decides the best way to get laid is to lie (this is actually true) so he puts up an improbable Craigslist post trolling for some 15 year old choke job chicken head

* Look at the 40 Year Old Virgin and similar movies, where the sexually-inexperienced male is advised by his “wiser”, more experienced friend(s) that the best way to get laid is to look for the drunkest girl at the party ...

* Seems to me that the way to get laid is to dress up in a hilarious Disney character costume. This also means that you will get to handle celebrity tits.

* Û² So a kid is ~Censored~ and the only way to get laid is to go to ²Û. Û² this ultra school of ~Censored~ kids and here the first thing that ²Û. Û² happens to him is getting rapped by the principal who is g3y and has ²Û ...

* Arabs want sex just as much as Westerners but they are taught that it is dirty and the only “respectable” way to get laid is to get married.

* This brought upon me an epiphany: The easiest way to get laid is to feed off a woman’s jealousy.

* The best way to get laid is to fake confidence and don't listen too much.

[NSFW Disney Photoshop]

RNDP 22: Could Television be the Answer?

Pearl Jam fan, Raino, blogged a list of pick-up lines this week. The lines do not yet appear to have been field-tested, but they show promise. Here are several:

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

Like I said, they show promise. But, at more than 2 years old, they're not new, and no matter how effective, potentially offensive pickup lines are not revolutionary. So while they could be a component of the Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm (RNDP), they're not going to be the foundation.

This may not be the case for the recommendations coming from two young university researchers, Magpie and Jake. While they probably consider themselves to be more scholars of hooking up than of dating, I believe they have stumbled on something significant. As Magpie reports, the secret is: Television.

In What to Take to University (to Get Laid at University), Jake tells students going off to live in a university residence, "All you need is downloaded TV, a heavy duvet and a mattress topper."

It is of course assumed that all university students have laptops that will play the downloaded TV shows. The mattress topper makes the standard dormitory bed soft and comfortable, the duvet makes for a cozy bed that a person wouldn't want to leave.

In What to Take to University (to Get Laid at University) II, Jake suggests an Ikea mood-setting lamp, but I suspect that's just icing on the cake.

I don't believe Magpie and Jake are even on the same continent, but Magpie is completely on board with the television paradigm. In How to Get Laid (an Introduction), she takes Jake's work further and advises on what to expect from a man based on the show he invites his prospects to see.

Battlestar Galactica Guy: If he likes BSG, he's a keeper. I can't imagine hooking up to BSG (okay, I've done it) because it's just so fuckingintenseandgoodzomfg!!!!! that I'd get distracted. But I supposed a guy who likes BSG is Godly, so do him, do him fast.

Kudoes to both of these young scholars. They are out there researching these important topics and doing their own fieldwork. Magpie has even developed a set of instructions for women who would like to watch television shows with a man without sex taking place. ("1. Do NOT go under the blankets.")

Here is Jake's summary:

So to recap, have a comfy bed, and invite people over to watch TV/movies. At the very least how she behaves, whether she agrees to get under the covers/lie next to you etc, is a litmus test for what chances there are of anything else happening, and at the luckiest the spooning will lead to much more and you'll end up having to wash those sheets even sooner than you expected!