The PC * Primer

* Pee Clues **

Well. After one's recent snappy exchange with the ESIs' (really, probably all of Ottawa's) favorite Sassy Redhead, one feels compelled to explore the topic in more depth. You know. Put one's nose to the ground, sniff around, tread a contemplative circle for a bit, satisfy oneself that one has found exactly the right spot, and then... one digresses. It must be instinct.

She raises a valid question. Why need we be concerned if a certain partner pees on himself, and only himself, then walks into a Tim Horton's? What business is it of ours? Other than because he blogged it for the entire Internet to read, I mean.

Well. I can only speak for myself, because other members of this little consortium may (okay, almost certainly do) have other thoughts on the topic.

In my view, though, if he's going to make a habit out of this kind of thing, there are products out there that are way better adapted to some form of human riding in an auto's shotgun seat, than Coke cans.

More importantly, as one of several four-legged species that regard this form of communication with the utmost seriousness, I have to say that if he's peeing on himself, that's just a totally egregious waste of perfectly good territory-marking ammo...

** C'mon! You didn't think this was going to be about Political Correctness? Personal Computers? President's Choice? Or, Dog help us, the Progressive Conservatives? Did you?!

Exercise for Aggie

I am lazy. I need to exercise, but can't seem to make the move or commit to anything. Sounds an awful lot like my love life. Anyway, I found this wonderful guide, which gives lots of good examples of things I can do in my daily life that can gently integrate physical fitness into my life. For example, I should be marching on the spot while brushing my teeth; I should be squeezing my buttocks as I'm doing my errands; I should be trying to sit up very very straight while watching TV. All these things are designed to raise my awareness about the need for physical activity.
But, I need a concrete plan, and I'm asking for your help. There are a number of things I hate in an exercise plan, so let's just get those out of the way:
1) I hate exercise plans that require expensive gear.
2) I hate exercise that requires a personal trainer.
3) I hate stinky gyms.
4) I hate exercise that requires me to go out in the cold when I'm half awake without coffee.
5) I hate pools.
6) I hate any sport that requires hand/eye coordination.
I want a plan that will get me into top shape with minimal effort. I want it to be pleasant, achievable, refreshing and economical. Getting a dog is the obvious answer, but, again, I'm not ready for this kind of commitment.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2008-01-11 "The Megan Consultation"

Venue: The Usual Spot? Maybe. Maybe not.

Present: 4D, CS, Agatha, Coyote
Guests: Pandora, Woodsy
Featured Guest: Megan
Absent with lame-O excuse: I-O
Late: Chair

4D distributes vitamin D to all but Woodsy.
4D offers to take minutes so that they will be done right.

Pandora suggests that 4D also draw pictures of those present like court reporters do.

Our Consultant, Megan, arrives. Conch Shell is introduced and gets up to go.
"Any word on posting?" she is asked.

"Very, very soon. Like this weekend." And she leaves.

Megan settles in. 4D checks to see she is wearing the top that makes her breasts look shockingly large, but he cannot tell. And surprisingly, manages to refrain from public comment on the topic until typing these minutes.

We ask: Do you need a flip chart stand? 'No.' Laser pointers? 'No.'

Megan: You've fixed all your blogging problems.

Agatha: Oh, should we talk about the Bank Street people then?

Megan: The Bank Street Blog? ...Irony without earnestness.

Megan and the ESIs share thoughts on the Bank Street Blog. 4D announces that he will prepare a posting welcoming them to the blogosphere after he does the minutes.

Coyote: Or after Conch Shell posts. [to general laughter]

Megan: Maybe before...

What to do about Conch Shell?

Megan: Is there something she could do that doesn't involve posting?

Coyote: There's the tagline under the ESI title banner.

Agatha: But she wouldn't do that. We could post for her...

Megan: Or you could trick her. Email her a question?

Coyote: Does Conch Shell answer email?

4D: It's rare.

Agatha: Or a phone call.

Megan: And I guess it would only work once.

Pandora: Maybe it could be Conch Shell's job to never ever post.

Consensus: This would be workable and the worst that could happen is that the Oppositional Defiance Disorder prevalent among the ESIs would result in her actually posting.

Back to the ESIs
4D: Agatha, you were the one who first suggested we engage Megan as a consultant. What did you think she could bring to us?

Agatha: I've been feeling our group is too insular, it would be good to bring in people from outside. I would ask: What should we do more? What should we do less?

Megan: Just more of what you're already doing. One theme I've liked is the searching for a new muse. It's entertaining. Does it have to be only Ottawa?

[The Chair arrives. 4D asks if we should have any concerns about the in-a-delicate-condition T and her husband. "The one who pissed his pants?" asks the Chair. This brings up the issue of us creeping bloggers out. 4D shares a story of a blogger - a young woman who doesn't blog so much any more - who, at the coffee shop she always blogged about, had a fan appear and sit down with her. It creeped her out. "It wasn't me," 4D clarifies.]

Guest Bloggers
Megan agrees that the Andrew ZRX posting was a tremendous success. Pandora suggests that we could auction off the chance to post on our blog. The Andrew ZRX story is patiently explained to Pandora and no one says anything like "Where the hell have you been?" Perhaps because our guest consultant had everyone in such a lovely mood from her compliments and she is an ettiquettist after all.

Megan suggests we could have a contest with a skill-testing question to award the opportunity to be a guest blogger and the skill testing question could be the sort that makes them prove their worthiness for a guest posting.

Chair: Maybe we should turn into a Cat Blog.

Agatha: I love Duncan.

Megan: I would read anything Zoom wrote.

Consensus: Zoom has the best blog in Ottawa and we should do something to recognize that.

Chair: Or we could bring in Cousin Oliver [and then explains that Cousin Oliver was the kid brought in to revive ratings on the Brady Bunch, generally held to be that show's Shark Jump.]

4D: Maybe you could take on Cousin Oliver as a new persona. It might revive your interest in blogging.

Megan asks the Chair why he hasn't been blogging.

Chair: The City is getting boring.

Megan: The Mayor just got arrested!

4D: You have to understand, the Chair has been jaded for about 20 years.

Coyote: And before that he was just apathetic.

4D announces that he is ready to stop taking minutes.

Agatha: I'm just overwhelmed that Megan is here with us.

Chair and Coyote: We are not worthy! ... We are not worthy! [with the bowing and hand gestures]

Megan: Just do more of what you're already doing.

Official portion of meeting is adjourned. General conversation takes place in which further compliments are exchanged. The ESIs also interact with other patrons of the establishment, one of whom introduces himself as a reader. 4D's does a brilliant thespian portrayal of a person who is ignorant of the Elgin Street Irregulars, but the fellow persists, points out that we're sitting with AsteroideaPress and tells the 4th Dwarf that he is the 4th Dwarf.

And who are you? Asks the Dwarf, wondering why he is the only one who ever gets outed.

davewoods.ca says the young man. Who then insists he is not part of any group blog. Even though 4D narrows his eyes the second time he asks.

"Perhaps we should stop addressing each other by our aliases when we're in public," says the Dwarf after the young man rejoins his dining companion.

Mayors with Swagger

A few crime stories have been wrapped up this week, for example, Dog Thompson caught his pesky varmint and Canada Post caught the pesky kids who ruined Christmas. But we still have this business of a mayor with criminal charges. Everyone acts like it's a big deal. Sure criminal mayors are rare around here, but south of the border it's practically expected. Here's a small sampling:

Mayor Lino Donato of Poteet, Texas said he would remain in office despite his inability to set foot in city hall. That building is less than 1,000 feet from a youth recreation center and therefore off-limits to Donato, who was adjudicated a sex offender in October. [2007-11-09]

Mayor Charles Dougherty Jr. of Gate City, Virginia was convicted of 16 counts of election fraud in relation to the May 4, 2004 municipal election, mainly for submitting absentee ballots for voters who were not too sick to vote in person. [2006-7-26]

Mayor Myles Spires Jr. of Forest Heights was indicted in February 2007 and forced to step down from his mayoral position shortly after. He was guilty of felony theft and misappropriating public money for stealing $2,500 of the taxpayers’ money from town coffers for a family trip to Jamaica, six months after assuming the mayor’s office, by submitting a false reimbursement request to the town for private investigative services. [2007-10-4]

Mayor Frank Melton of Jackson, Mississippi pleaded guilty to misdemeanor weapons charges after carrying a handgun on church and school property. He was fined $1,500 and put on a year's probation. He was also asked to resign from Mayors Against Illegal Guns. [2006-11-22]

Mayor Joseph P. Ganim of Bridgeport, Connecticut was convicted of racketeering, extortion, bribery and mail fraud, among other felonies, for his role in a six-year scheme to shake down city contractors for more than $500,000 in cash, meals, clothing, wine and home renovations. The government's lead lawyer in the case mocked Mr. Ganim for claiming, during testimony in his defense, that all 52 prosecution witnesses were lying about his involvement in corruption, and that his was the lone truthful voice. [2003-3-20]

Mayor Bill Campbell of Atlanta, Georgia was cleared of charges that he lined his pockets with payoffs from a contractor but he was convicted of intentionally failing to report more than $160,000 in income on three tax returns. Prosecutors said the money was illegally obtained. Campbell said it was gambling winnings. [2006-06-13]

Mayor, Richard “Dick” Summy of Wilton, Iowa was found guilty of conspiracy to manufacture and distribute marijuana. The verdict surprised him because while he accepted responsibility for distributing the high-grade marijuana, he claimed to be innocent of conspiring to grow it. [2007-08-31]

Mayor David Spellman of Black Hawk, Colorado, was sworn in as mayor a week after pleading guilty to two charges for pistol-whipping his wife with a handgun (and firing three shots that missed her). Along with the voters, his wife also appears to have forgiven him as the couple reconciled before the election. [2006-7-11]

Mayor Spencer Schlosnagle of Friendsville, Maryland was returned to office in 1994 though he had been convicted a week before of indecent exposure and had four other such charges pending. In 2004, he was found guilty of speeding and fleeing and eluding arrest, but acquitted of second-degree assault. He remains mayor.

Thank you, thank you. No. Really!

I understand from early reports on CBC Radio One this morning that City Councillor Dog (Sic. Hah.) Thompson held a raucous little public meeting about the coyote problem in Greeley last night. Seems my brethren in the 'burbs may have eaten three smallish dogs and spread FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) among many not-so-rural-savvy residents out there. Although many other predatory suspects are just as usual. Good luck with that project, Dog, it's a sure-fire vote-getter.

And thank you, thank you, for the unsolicited accolades, everybody! Only (semi) legendary coyote modesty prevents me from taking a well-deserved bow. Oh, and maybe the fact that I'm four-legged...

Image: Lifted by the ever-reliable FoxNews (Hah again) from a throwaway tab in the Chicago 'burbs...