Movin' On

Abandoned sign on Gladstone

After Trump's inspirational speech in Ottawa...

...Mayor Larry felt convinced more than ever that his own stand on Lansdowne Park development was quality, pure quality, all the way...

Dear Ottawa: More public art, please

My Vision for the New Lansdowne

I am excited by the mayor's recent invitation for redesigns of Lansdowne Park. The main submission requirements are unorthodox. (To avoid wasting tax dollars?)

"Anyone can draw a pretty picture on a piece of toilet paper and submit it."

As always, I'm up to a challenge.

I'm afraid the definition of "pretty" will have to be stretched for my design to be accepted, but I did manage to put it on toilet paper and only ripped the paper twice. Unfortunately, because the square is so small and the ink is so wide, I could only fit in 3 of the features that are in my vision for the New Lansdowne Park.

It's really not that easy to draw a pretty picture on a piece of toilet paper.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2009-09-19 [H1N1 and how to insult the ESIs]

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: Agatha, 4th Dwarf, Coyote, Woodsy, Independent Observer (late)

Absent: Chair (with regrets, no excuse), Conch Shell (no regrets, reasonable excuse)

No discussion of who will takes minutes. 4D just starts taking notes.

1. H1N1 Emergency Plan

4D: Do we need a plan for H1N1?

W: I just need a bag to put your dead body in.

C: Garbage Bags are good enough for me.

4D: Right. Garbage Bags.

C: At what point does this plan diverge from our Zombie Attack plan?

4D: Good point. We could just do the relevant modifications to our Zombie Attack plan.

A: That way there's no redundancy.

C: Who wears the hard hat?

Agatha agrees we need a hierarchy. After a brief discussion it is unanimous that the unassuming Fourth Dwarf should be the ESI H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. It is then agreed that there should be a Back-up ESI H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. Someone hardy, with a cool head and no dependents. The Independent Observer is the unanimous choice.

There is then a brief discussion of where we will hold emergency meetings if the Usual Spot is not feasible. Those present acknowledge we may need to investigate teleconferencing. [Ed. note: Or perhaps we should have our avatars meet somewhere in Second Life?]

As though aware that an honour had been bestowed upon him, the IO arrives. He is briefed on the elements the ESI H1N1 Emergency Plan:

1. Garbage bags
2. Otherwise same as Zombie Attack Plan except for relevant modifications
3. H1N1 Emergency Coordinator = 4D; Backup H1N1 Emergency Coordinator = IO
4. Emergency meeting venue to be determined

The IO agrees to all elements of the plan H1N1 Emergency Coordinator. "After all, I have a telescope."

2. How to Insult the ESIs

A certain suburban blogger posted this week that he was returning to his blog after deleting it following being made into a conversation piece by "some negative douchebags".

Could he be talking about someone else? Various members debate this possibility.

4D: Enough. He is talking about us.

But didn't he come to see that we are really not so bad? What was the exchange anyway? Did he call us crows or vultures? [Coyote: It was crows. "A murder of fucking crows".]

4D: Enough. Of course we are fine people and didn't do anything wrong. The real question is what should we do about his blog?

W: We should support him and welcome him back. Just like we did the mayor.

A: Should we suggest he might not have started on the right foot?

W: No!

4D: Should we engage in a dialogue on the misogynystic and sexist nature of the word "douchebag" as an insult?

W: Can you put in the minutes that Aggie is cringing?

4D: But seriously. The word refers to something that was a feminine hygiene product. It came to be associated with promiscuous women and the word was used as a synonym for "slut". Now it is used for mostly for men that are disliked and gets its sting from being associated with women's reproductive organs.

Woodsy proposes that we analyze insult words and determine which ones will not be sexist, racist or in some way demeaning to other people.

• Cocksucker - No. [Demeans gay men]
• Cuntlicker - No. [Demeans lesbians]
• Motherfucker - OK. [This follows discussion in which it is clarified that this is not offensive to MILFs. A person called this word is not fucking a mother, but instead is fucking their own mother. While using this word as an insult may demean incestuous children, we are okay with that.]
• Asshole - OK [Not demeaning to any segment of the population. C: Everyone's got one. A: But not everyone is one.]
• Wanker - OK [This is heatedly debated. Some insist there is nothing wrong with masturbating and so the word demeans people who do a benign activity. 4D insists that it is a valid insult because masturbating is not generally appropriate when entertaining others is involved. It would be hypocritical for a group that has engaged in SRW since it began to be opposed to use of "wanker" as insult.]
• Bastard - No
  
• Faggot - No
• Fucker - OK
• Fuckface - OK [It's not the same as cocksucker.]
• Crow - No [Can't dis crows. Puts down the animal world. Crows are smarter than people.]
• Vulture - No [They're the cleanup crew.]
• Ferret - No [C: All part of nature's shopping mall. 4D: Since when did we become a branch office of PETA? I think vulture and ferret are good stinging insults that don't demean anyone outside the target]
• Snake - No [C: tastes like chicken.]
• Felcher - OK [Unhealthy practice, obscure word but insulting]
• Shit - OK
  
• Shithead - OK
• Son of a bitch - No [Because of the problems associated with "bitch"]
• Scumbag - OK [After some discussion on what the word is about, 4D states it is a used condom.]
  

A: That's it! The perfect insult for the ESIs. Write this up.

IO: Can you include a graphic? With one for each of us including little tails?

4D rolls his eyes and notes in the minutes that if individuals wish to insult us without being thought of as sexist misogynists, they would do well to call us "scumbags" rather than "douchebags".

3. Jasmine

Coyote proposes that we address the issue of the mayor's new press secretary. "Is she still hot?"

4D: Do we need a united position on this?

Woodsy, Aggie and IO ignore Coyote and the Dwarf and discuss eye wear. The topic lapses.

4. The Reality Show Post

4D notes that there was no reaction to his post about reality show opportunities. The others reassure him that it was a worthwhile post. Perhaps too long for our regular reader's attention span, notes Coyote.

5. Cedric

Woodsy asks IO why Cedric didn't attend the Patti Smith concert in Florence. The IO's quiet response is buried by the background noise of the Usual Spot. 4D doesn't ask for a repeat because he doesn't care where the little gnome goes.

6. Tea with Woodsy

Woodsy shares her idea of having tea or sweets with notable individuals and blogging about it. The Irregulars are highly supportive.

7. Jasmine Again

Coyote brings up the Jasmine topic again. This time there is more discussion, but 4D doesn't take notes. Instead he puts away his minute book and the meeting devolves into a generic conversation.

Ottawa's Light Rail Re/Up/Set

Today, Ottawa's mayor and certain of the council are spinning their version of City Hall's latest light rail trainwreck like a 37-million-buck pinwheel. Maybe hoping that dizzying fuzzyheaded quadrupeds such as myself unto pukin', will compel us to ignore the fact that this week's good news on the light rail front is, ummm, last week's out-of-court contract settlement with Siemens AG.

Because, you see, during the election, the mayor famously vowed to "hit the reset button" on the previous administration's fatally flawed north/south light rail plan. Once in the mayor chair, he airly persuaded council to nix that signed and sealed deal in favour of his (unarticulated) better idea, claiming his vast business experience told him the penalty would be negligible. Last week the city paid Siemens that vast-bucks legal settlement.

Now we learn that the first leg they're thinking of building under the new improved light rail plan is, ummm, that fatally flawed north/south line. Because, hey, Siemens, by a huge coincidence, had already drawn the plans and done the environmental studies, before the mayor smacked that big ol' expensive button.

What Hizzoner and council apparently failed to clarify among themselves was that when you hit "reset" on a system that's nominal in the first place, you merely waste a lot of time rebooting - in this case, enough years that the damn thing would've been close to done if we'd stuck to the original plan - to get much the same system. Apparently, I am not the only one confused by council's inability to grasp this.

Sometime long before he was elected, the mayor shaved his head bald. I am not party to his reasons. My head is still as fuzzy as nature intended well-dressed coyotes about town to be. But at this point, I'm thinkin' he could hot-wax and buff that sucker 'til it glows in the dark, and he'd still look totally fuzzyheaded, next to me...

Because the night...

She may be the queen of rock 'n' roll, so why shouldn't she play a palace?

Patti Smith and two of her band members, Lenny Kaye and Tony Shanahan, put on a knockout acoustic show at the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence on Wednesday night.

Smith delivered compelling renditions of signature tunes People Have the Power and Because the Night, as well as a stirring Helpless, the timeless Neil Young song, which she dedicated to her late husband. Smith sprinkled mesmerizing poetry into the mix. The highlight: a ferocious version of Allen Ginsberg's Howl.

This was pretty much Patti Smith week in Florence, a series of appearances and performances featuring the New Jersey-born muse to mark the 30th anniversary of a memorable show she gave in the city.

A small gallery presented some of Smith's own photos, an opening she saluted by playing a few songs in the street. An exhibit at the city archives, meanwhile, offered a black-and-white photo chronicle of that notable 1979 gig.
Smith seemed pleased and humbled to be feted in a city where the creative vibe is generously appreciated.

Get Yourself on TV

Say, have you been reading this blog for a couple of weeks and wondering why OttawaStart said we were essential reading? It is because every now and then we give you something that you didn't even know you needed and wanted. Like this post.

Did you know that you can get on reality TV right here in Ottawa? You can. Dust off the camcorder, set up the tripod and start rolling your audition tape.

Knight Enterprises is advertising for articulate extroverts:

Are you a chef, designer, funny-man or just all around fantastic person? We are always on the lookout for articulate extroverts with a passion for what they do, if this is you then let us know & you could become the new face of lifestyle television!

Knight produces or has produced:

• Cook Like A Chef
• License to Grill
• This Food That Wine
• Road Grill
• The Great Canadian Food Show
• Junk Brothers

Mountain Road specializes in home design shows and they are looking for larger than life personalities:

• Real Estate Rookies - people taking the real estate licensing courses or who are recently licensed real estate agents
• All or Nothing - home owners with no budget for a makeover
• Sheltered - a native Canadian carpenter able to travel to Africa and South America
• The Building Adventures of "Your Names Here" - two people (including at least one woman) who have decided to build a house or cottage together
• Divide and Design - 2 interior designers who have been through divorce (with each other) to help others going through divorce with their new home design challenges

GAPC Entertainment isn't specifically advertising for reality talent, but they have some shows "in development" that might need your skills. What would it hurt to send them a link to your audition tape on Youtube?

• Car Crusaders - 13 x 1/2 hours unscripted drama series
• Shop Therapy - 13 x 1/2 hour lifestyle series
• Mesmerized - A 13 x 1/2 hour make over series

Insight Productions is not Ottawa based, but they did shoot season 2 of Project Runway Canada here and they are now looking for "real Canadian women" aged 19 and over who reside in Ontario to appear in:

• How to Look Good Naked Canada

$250K to transform 3 ? The RCMP needs us!

Y'know, this front page item totally arrested me (heh...) as I pawed thru this morning's Petfinder: the RCMP is set to pay $220,000 to send three deputy minister-level guys to counselling in Arizona, in hopes of transforming their organization, particularly its sliding public image. Factoring in travel, taxes, meals and booze, they'll likely sock out $80K to $85K to ship each warm body out for, ummm, transformational counselling. Which will then, of course, drip through the RCMP org chart like wholesome milk through a bowl of Grape Nuts...

I have no quibble with transformational counselling. What with tasers sizzling amok; questionable training; organizational arrogance and rot; PR stonewalling and BS*; and all-round not-getting-it-ness, the Mounties lately have been driving their spiffy squad cars in the PR ditch more often than not. They need to change.

What gripes me is the fact that we're outsourcing this lucrative gravy train ummm, serious and delicate matter, to US counsellors...

I mean, just yesterday, Aggie was saying that our long-term plans to (somehow) make tunza bux off this blog and never work again, were in serious peril. This story is karma!

I'd like to note that we ESIs are long-time experts in both personal and systemic transformation. For $85K a pop, I'm pretty sure we can offer the RCMP a competitive service. And it shouldn't stop at three guys. Oh, no. In fact, we recommend our comprehensive counselling package for all 25,000-odd sworn and unsworn members of the force.

According to my calculator, this rings up at a touch over $2 billion. Give or take a few bucks. Almost enough, I think, to keep us in the style to which we would love to become accustomed...

We have one condition: our fees are non-refundable. Because, while we, as professional counsellers, would do our utmost to create conditions for transformative change, it's up to the Mounties themselves to (heh, again....) cop to the responsibility. They've got to really want to change...

* Blue Serge...

A new kinda Pisa topping

Thanks gang. Leuven? More like leavin'! I located Cedric in Brussels face down on a waffle, slurping maple syrup. The chagrined gnome and I hopped on the first plane to Italy.

Cedric agreed to accompany me upon learning we'd visit the leaning tower of Pisa en route to Florence. However, he was mightily disappointed to discover the famous landmark was not made of tasty tomato-and-cheese pies.

The ingrate. It was all I could do to refrain from dropping him off the tower in a recreation of Galileo's gravity experiments.

Since you asked, Woodsy...

Cedric seems to have slipped away. He is now taunting me by sending photos of himself in foreign locations!

I'm not even sure where he is half the time... perhaps you can send this down to the ESI lab and identify his location in the latest picture?

The Ottawa Glebe & Mall

Welcome to the new ESI Glebe & Mail's great grey op ed page. Another time, we'll deal with Mayor Larry's diabolical hiring of Jasmine MacDonnell, thus placing the ESIs in an ethical quandary. Right now, the Lansdowne Park issue affects us, and Ottawa, in bigger ways.

This week, Lansdowne Live's local powerhouse developer triad presented its fine-tuned plan to grab and commercialize a large and prized piece of public land in the Glebe.

Subsequent council and public debate has again highlighted the projects' flaws.

Last fall, the developers sent an unsolicited bid to city councillors and staff, claimed it to be "revenue neutral", then, in a particularly ballsy move, gave them a tight deadline to respond. The most blatant pressure tactic in the book. Administration and council bit and swallowed enthusiastically, when they should have raised a collective eyebrow, then continued with open public consultation and an open design competition.

The mayor and certain councillors proclaimed that Lansdowne Stadium was crumbling, the attached park was a blight, and we needed to do something fast. But was a "Do Anything As Long as it's Quick" strategy for Lansdowne Park the "Right Thing" for all of us? Ummm, not so much.

From Casa Coyote's jaundiced vantage point, the proposal seems to be about nabbing scads of public green space and turning it essentially private. This week's plan shows, riding on the dubious coattails of a football stadium upgrade and few sops of green space, a gigantic "commercial development" that boils down to (another damn) big-box shopping mall. Oh, and a whack of condos that council stated it didn't want in there.

The space is public, and precious. It shouldn't be only self-diagnosed movers and shakers who drive what happens there, it should be all kinds of ordinary people across the region.

Let's put aside for a moment the appropriateness of rolling the dice on (another) Canadian Football League franchise after three failures. And whether we should even give the CFL a toehold in the debate, when it has no team in town anymore. And whether, even granting the above, a stadium should be rebuilt at Lansdowne, instead of somewhere else with, say, more space for parking and better street access. Forget those picayune bits.

What I'm sayin' is, I've never met developers that didn't deeply believe that they could vastly improve green and open space by filling it up with ugly buildings that make them scads of cash. It's their mindset, and they honestly don't seem to understand any other viewpoint. But we should not be enabling their no-doubt-interesting pathologies here.

I think it gets down to the fact, that, in its haste to grab a dangled lure, council slewed away from an open, fair and transparent public development process toward an ethical shoulder. Maybe the ditch.

Lansdowne is the kind of city-changing thing you want to do right, not quick. Frankly, I don't give a rat's heinie if the proposal is nominally revenue neutral - the Lansdowne space is the kind of historic public jewel a city council should never, ever try to cheap out on. Or give away.

Just so ya know, Randall Denley of the Petfinder solidly backs the current project. And just so ya know, whenever we coyotes start thinkin' that maybe he's on the right side of an issue, we reflexively pat ourselves down to check for signs of the apocalypse. He's usually that wrong.

This little piggy...

Image: Mercato Centrale, Firenze \ flickr.com

Calling all 100-mile dieters. Vegeterians. Vegans. Meatatarians. And the lactose intolerant...

A suggestion for Ottawa, courtesy of the ESI Research Director: Let's emulate our friends in Florence and countless other fine cities and establish a year-round, full-on food market in the Cattle Castle at Lansdowne Park.

Whaddaya say?