Sunday

A Sign that Might Not Work as Intended

Gentleman, we aim to keep the toilets clean... Aim too, please and wipe the seat if need be!  Thank you

I look like a slob, but I actually try to be tidy. When I was relieving myself the other evening while reading this sign, it didn't make me less tidy. It didn't even distract me from "aiming". It did tempt me to be oppositional. But I yielded not to that temptation because I am trying to get better at doing exactly what I would have done even if someone hasn't instructed me to do that very thing.

I wondered though if these signs work on the people who aren't tidy anyway.

Because I'm thinking the swinging dick crowd would see them as more of a challenge than a reasonable request.

Friday

Of big swinging appendages *

Our on-hiatus for legal reasons mayor has a pottymouth problem. Among others, since his fascination with the felicitous phrase, "big swinging dick contest", entered the court record this week past on a lo-def police interrogation video. (Hey - who doesn't look guilty on those...? But with no corroborating evidence, he could safely deny the whole rat fuck thing. This was right there in grainy black and white.)

Citizen editorial writer Kate Heartfield - one of the good guys at that eroding edifice - has smartly and thoroughly whacked the language's psychology with a post-modern feminist yardstick, in print and on air. I think that covers it completely, except for small additional light the phrase may cast on O'Brien's record. Ummm, in office.

It's not as if we didn't suspect that he regards his political day - or in the case of the Transpo strike, most of a financial quarter - as an endless series of big dick swinging contests. Supporting evidence for this inference is rich.

Maybe the mayor enters such duels because he honestly thinks his is bigger than everybody else's. Why would he believe this? Possibly because he lucked out in business and has a lotta money. Maybe because he only hires assistants that reinforce his own perceptions. Perhaps because he has temper in private and has demonstrably whirled through a veritable spin cycle of revolving-door staffers.

Doesn't matter. Unfortunately for Ottawa, this view was probably never grounded in reality. Also unfortunately, Mayor Larry is a guy who for some time has been enthusiastically dick-swinging his way straight into The Peter Principle. Problem is, he's so pathologically - and unjustifiably - self confident, he'll never know it. Sorry to keep going on like this. Honestly, I was tired of him before he was elected.
* Just so you know, the photo is named that way because original graphic concept for this post did not make it past certain members of the ESI Ethics Committee. (It also grossed out Woodsy, which takes some doing. I'm kinda proud of that.) And no, it was not what you were thinking just now... and neither is this one. It's a perfectly innocent tee-shirt graphic, for cripe's sake. Purell® your minds, people! We run a squeaky clean metablog here!

Thursday

A Dog and His Man



Coyote, it's not often that I see a doggie that's cuter than you are, but I'm afraid you have competition - look at that proud muzzle, that shiny pelt, those muscular haunches. His human isn't too bad either.

After I snapped the picture the cute puppy continued to be cool, and his man flashed me a sexy smile.

Tuesday

First, we take the Marriott...

I was among the fortunate to witness the sublime Leonard Cohen show Tuesday at the National Arts Centre.

The crack band, stellar songcraft and engaging performance would have been enough. But we also got some good advice from the Minstrel of Mount Royal that went something like this:

"The band spends a lot of time in hotels. And I've noticed that in the bathrooms you will find small, round magnifying mirrors. No one over the age of 15 should look in one of these mirrors."

Hallelujah.

Sunday

RNDP 26: Still on the path to happiness

I was beginning to to think that the quest for a revolutionary new dating paradigm (RNDP) should be shelved because other pursuits, like wealth or fame, are more important. But three researchers from the University of Rochester have just confirmed that the pursuits of wealth and fame do not lead to happiness.

Edward Deci, professor of psychology and the Gowen Professor in the Social Sciences at the University says:

Even though our culture puts a strong emphasis on attaining wealth and fame, pursuing these goals does not contribute to having a satisfying life. The things that make your life happy are growing as an individual, having loving relationships, and contributing to your community. [Press Release 14-May-2009]

And so I am spurred to contribute to the community and help you folks find loving relationships. Because I got too worn out at the garage sale yesterday, I am going to give you more bulletins on recent research instead of doing the hard work of syncretising everything we've learned already in the quest for an RNDP.

Sick of the same old thing? U of Minnesota Researchers finds satiation solution

Joseph Redden, professor of marketing at the University of Minnesota's Carlson School of Management, recently conducted a study on satiation, the process of consuming products and experiences to the point where they are less enjoyable, as it applies to music.

In one of the three studies conducted for this research, Redden and his co-authors asked participants to listen to the chorus of a favorite song 20 times in a row. Then they were asked to rate the clip. Not surprisingly, after 20 repetitions their enjoyment of the song dropped a great deal. Three weeks later, the participants came back and half were asked to recall any television shows they'd seen since the study, while the other half listed all of the musicians they'd listened to since the first session. The group that listed the TV shows was still just as satiated – they didn't like the song. However, those recalling variety in the music category almost totally recovered. "The participants' comments were the most revealing," said Redden. "Those who recalled the TV shows were actually angry to have a song they like 'ruined,' but the ones who recalled musicians enjoyed taking a study with music, etc. If something seems like 'more of the same,' people are just less interested." [Press Release: 19-May-2009]
Redden thinks this method can also work for things like beverages: "... next time you get sick of healthy smoothies and think about grabbing a burger instead, try to recall all of the other drinks you have had since your last smoothie. Our findings suggest this will make your smoothie taste just a little bit better."

If it works for songs and smoothies, maybe it'll also work for that person you've seen a bunch of times who is beginning to seem a little dull. Just think of all other people you've encountered since the last date or all the people you've been involved with before.

New contraceptive device is designed to prevent sexual transmission of HIV

Remember those free-wheeling days before AIDS?

Researchers from Weill Cornell Medical College have published results showing that a new contraceptive device may also effectively block the transmission of the HIV virus. [Press Release: 19-May-2009]

Dominance in domestic dogs – useful construct or bad habit?

Researchers at Bristol's Department of Clinical Veterinary Sciences say that using "dominance" to explain dog behaviour and to train dogs is misguided and potentially dangerous.

Dr Rachel Casey, Senior Lecturer in Companion Animal Behaviour and Welfare at Bristol University, says:

The blanket assumption that every dog is motivated by some innate desire to control people and other dogs is frankly ridiculous. It hugely underestimates the complex communicative and learning abilities of dogs. It also leads to the use of coercive training techniques, which compromise welfare, and actually cause problem behaviours. [Press Release: 21-May-2009]

I know some of you women out there are using dog training methods on your men. If you've been using "dominance" methods, you may want to rethink your strategy. Or not. After all, this research was on dogs. Not men.

Another study confirms that opposite histocompatibility attracts

Scientists at the Immunogenetics and Histocompatibility Laboratory at the University of Parana, Brazil studied major histocompatibility complex (MHC) data from 90 married couples, and compared them with 152 randomly-generated control couples and found that people with diverse MHCs were more likely to choose each other as mates than those whose MHCs were similar.

"Although it may be tempting to think that humans choose their partners because of their similarities", says Professor Bicalho, "our research has shown clearly that it is differences that make for successful reproduction, and that the subconscious drive to have healthy children is important when choosing a mate." [Press Release: 24-May-2009]

Warriors do not always get the girl

Can it be that nice guys may not finish last?

Aggressive, vengeful behavior of individuals in some South American groups has been considered the means for men to obtain more wives and more children, but an international team of anthropologists working in Ecuador among the Waorani show that sometimes the macho guy does not do better.

"In 1988, Napoleon Chagnon published evidence that among the famously warlike Yanomamo of Venezuela, men who had participated in a homicide had significantly more wives and children than their less warlike brethren," said Stephen Beckerman, associate professor of anthropology, Penn State. "Our research among the Waorani indicates that more aggressive warriors have lower indices of reproductive success than less warlike men."

...

The researchers found that more aggressive men do not acquire more wives than milder men. They do not have more children and their wives and children do not survive longer. In fact, warlike men have fewer children who survive to reproductive age. [Press Release: 11-May-2009]


Friday

Coyote's new identity

Oh, hi! Taste testing a new personal corporate identity. The old one is so two years ago. Waddaya think?

See, normally I'm a die-hard rabbit ears guy (They're deeelicious deep fried! Especially with homemade aoili for dipping! I digress!) but after a recent splash through the big dirty puddle that is cable TV, the US, ummm, news network with the canine name has not escaped my notice.

I'm amazed at what Rupert Murdoch accomplished by inferring (shades of Joe McCarthy...) that other broadcast and cable TV networks were a buncha suspicious pinkos. He staked out an underused extreme of the political spectrum and pushed the hell out of it with a clever mix of electronic jingoism, theatrics, bread, circuses, propaganda, vicious arrogance, demagoguery and outright lies. Painting a thin coat of faux (heh) news across the whole sorry edifice to (barely) legitimize the sheer extent of the nuttery was evil genius. Basically, a prefab crypto-religious cult has effectively tilted the entire US news industry's centre - already rightish - even further right.

So naturally I'm thinkin' we need something like it in Canada. Except that most of the news industry is already pretty right wing/business oriented. I mean, lately I read the grey, conservative Globe & Mail because it's the most balanced newspaper around. The local Petfinder, a former Southam jewel, retains a (dwindling) clutch of actual journalists, but years ago, in the name of Conrad-Black-style balance, threw select editorial & op-ed columns to a clutch of otherwise-unemployable righty hagiographers.

So given the rightside weight of things here, I'm going straight for the underused left. Huge shock, I know. I figure I already rant most of the time. May as well consolidate myself under a snappy new corporate identity, preach to the choir, build an empire, and sell lucrative broadcast ads. Lots and lotsa ads...

Huh? Whazzat? Whisper louder! Network TV is dying? Oh. Crap! Never mind! Back to Plan B. Watch for me on a certain blog near you. Same time, same channel. In an ever-changing cyberspace, some things dare to stay the same!

Tuesday

"Um, what did you say was on the pizza exactly?"

The adventurous diner is in her element in Aguas Calientes, Peru

Saturday

Oh. And one more thing:

Today's headlines blare that the erstwhile PM has alleged there was nothing sinister about him glomming cash-stuffed envelopes from sketchy lobbyists. No sir.

Based on the (highly Irish) tenor of some right honourable ummm, gentlemen's past testimony, the Oliphant Commission's lead counsel might wanna next ask the former PM if, by that, he actually meant he only used his right hand to handle them envelopes.

To make real sure this time, y'know, Dexter?

I'm just sayin'...

Friday

No whore like an old whore *

For a guy hellbent on preserving, what he seems to believe is a, ummm, statesman's legacy and good name, former PM Brian Mulroney has quite an approach.

A brief pause to declare biases: my visceral hatred of the man and every oily thing he's done or stood for, has raged undying from the time he started smarming the backroom boys back in the antediluvian era, to this day. We keep punting the bastard out of the headlines. Still he has the nerve to keep coming back and re-offending, already! He once took voice coaching to lower his timbre and sound smoother. Still my large, sensitive ears must instinctively fold themselves shut periodically, to muffle an undertone of nails on a blackboard. Just so ya know.

My distaste stems from a sleazy style and an unidentifiable substance. I possess the clamouring sixth sense that every smirk - and he smirked a bunch, back in the day - signalled (yet another) gleeful skate to the thinnest edge of propriety. He was always more about clinching the deal - any deal - than what the hell actually came of it. Just as long as he could beat his chest in public and brag in private about being the smart guy that made it happen. And he seemed to truly love putting one over on just about anybody, then justifying it in technical terms so narrow and specious that only he and hangers-on seemed to be able to believe they were in the true spirit of the thing. It wasn't about the good of the country, or even his party, or the power. It was about putting one over on someone. Anyone.

You see where I'm going with this. Every time the guy did something, somebody got screwed. They knew they'd been screwed, and resented it. Their last sight usually was of Mulroney skating away on ice so thin it crackled, thumbing his nose over his shoulder. Eventually, most of the country felt that way. He skated off again, ducking humiliation by handing over the party to a Patsy (actually, a Kim...) so that he could say he'd always led the Tories to majorities. Technically.

Since, he has acted to save what he regards as his good name, in ways that beggar the idea of a good name. It's a world where being called Right Honourable is everything. Acting right honourably, not so much. This time he may succeed again - it's important for him to appear to be a success in others' eyes - but only in technical terms so narrow and specious as to hollow out the 'win' utterly. His performance at the inquiry on the Hill this week has been vintage: tightly scripted, smarmy, blustering, self-congratulatory, even crocodile tears. Along with gratuitous digressions that attempt yet again to rewrite history and re-shaft old enemies. Even now, he thinks he can charm the country one more time with sins of omission, half-truths and hubris. Possibly he will. Technically.

But it has been a performance. The guy wants to be liked and well thought of, and has no idea why so many hate him. Even as PM, he made a deeply flawed dramatic character: grandiose, venal, over-eager to be loved, fonder of appearances than actual substance. And pathetic. He still is. And he still deserves no sympathy.
* A curiously relevant Mulroney quote... don'cha think?

Wednesday

Llama dramarama, part four: the mouth-watering conclusion






What better way to forget your troubles than a trip to stunning Machu Picchu? Unless, of course, the place is lousy with llamas and you happen to have a morbid fear of the ankle-biting Andean amblers.

After pointed accusations from Cedric ("You knew there would be llamas here, didn't you?!") and several lengthy apologies from me ("I will personally hand-wash your little red hat every night for the next month!"), Cedric calmed down and began to relax.

Especially once he realized no health-conscious llama would ever eat a centuries-old gnome with flat feet and wooden teeth.

Next we work on Cedric's fear of John Baird's hair ... Oh, right, that's my unending phobia ...

The r*tf*ck effect deconstructed

In the quasi/legal three ring circus that was Ottawa yesterday: ...and I arched what passes for an eyebrow on a dog, over the symbolism of the mayor's alleged utterance to accuser Terry Kilrea at an, ummm, alleged courtesy meeting:

"We could have just ratfucked you."

It is stated that the mayor shook his head vigorously from the pews as if to deny this. The judge, if he's good as he's supposed to be, will ignore that bit of mimery for the voters as, well, mimery. And irrelevant to any legal findings. I digress.

If the statement occurred - and it's not impossible, boys often being locker-room boys - I find it disillusioning yet plausible that a person of the political persuasion might extend the courtesy of not ratfucking a single opponent, the better to do it to an entire city.

I am often cynical. And I am certainly weary. But it seems to me that the subversive common thread in each of these is a tired certainty that for far too long, many short sighted, system-gaming politicians - former, current, and wannabe - consider that playing silly partisan buggers with each other is just business as usual.

And every time they think they've scored cheap points on an opponent, what's really getting ratfucked is a country, its democratic institutions - and every member of the municipal, provincial and federal electorates. Woof.

Sunday

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2009-05-10

Venue: The Usual Spot

Present: Agatha, 4th Dwarf, Conch Shell, Coyote, Woodsy
Guests: Shaggy Waiter

Regrets: Chair, Independent Observer

1. ESI Official Injury

By consensus, those present agree that the "Jones Fracture" shall be named as the official lower-limb injury of the Elgin Street Irregulars.

2. The Out-In Contest Winner

Aggie proposes that Bob be named the winner of her "Two things that are out that you wish were in" Contest.

4D: Why?

A: He hasn't won anything in any of our contests and his answers were delightful.

Woodsy: But hasn't anyone told Bob life isn't fair?

A stern look from Aggie suggests that she doesn't feel Bob needs to learn this lesson and ends further discussion on this line.

4D calls the question, Bob is unanimously chosen as the winner. As long as his choice passes the Ethics Committee, he may:

  1. Post a favourite recipe on our blog;
  2. Select a blog that we will metablog for a week; or
  3. Select a blogging theme or issue for us for one week.

Congratulations, Bob!

3. Giving Grief

4D: What's next on the agenda?

Coyote: Giving grief to the Chair and Conch Shell?

CS: Umm...

A: No, the Chair's not here.

4. Planning for our 5th Anniversary

Coyote suggests that we cannot have a fifth anniversary because the ESIs do not have fifth things. A metaphysical and metaphorical discussion ensues on our relationship with fifths until CS points out that Coyote only just posted on fifths and he admits that he has been hoisted on his own petard.

A brief brainstorming ensues:

  • A blog treasure hunt for fifth things
  • There should be cake
  • A party
  • Fireworks
  • A private party at the usual spot
  • A vernissage of ESI art [possibly including art by our friends that we have blogged about, all our art at exhorbitant prices, no money to charity, not even split amongst ourselves

5. Wither the Blog

4D asks if "Wither the Blog" is on the agenda. "You weren't here last time," says Aggie. "We decided that's no longer on the agenda. It's irrelevant. "

"We're doing what we do best," says Woodsy. "Which is often nothing."

The meeting is adjourned.


Llama dramarama, part three


After a few hours with the photo during our Cusco sojourn, Cedric got used to the idea of being around an actual llama.

So we clambered down four flights of stairs (a lengthy procedure for Cedric) and the tiny troll calmly posed for this photo. I barely had the heart to tell him it wasn't a real llama.

Still, Cedric considered it a step forward. He really is a glass-half-full kind of gnome.

Saturday

Live Long and Oppose - Google Poem


  • Life is too short to sulk. So turn around.

Friday

Fifth things...

Fifth things -- the fifth things that we never include in this blog, because in this dimension of (alleged) reality, the only true fifth thing is our Muse - often awaken me at night. And at the risk of touching off a long, ugly decline into irrelevence, with spring finally here, there's a fifth thing that has lately bothered me. A question, as they say, of import, gravitas, and possibly, crunchiness.

I mean, no less an awesome dude than Bill Shakespeare posed the musical question, "What's in a name?", then by way of immediate answer plopped "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" into Juliet's script.

But I happen to recall an old, small, and according to the great god Google, now completely forgotten story, in which a king and his princess daughter more or less contradicted Juliet by agreeing that everyone would like dandelions a bunch better if they renamed them 'Golden Fancies.' Of course, in this fiction, there was no question of accepting large, evil, international chemical marketing conglomerates' notions of weediness.

Now, Bill was a helluva writer, but not necessarily the final authority on everything. He was born at least five (heh) and a half millenia after certain, nearby, semi mythical coyotes. But while there is no longer any passing mention of Golden Fancies vis-a-vis dandelions left anywhere (And after all, the entire golden construct could be a cruel trick of an ancient and crotchety canine disposed to Alzheimerish daydreams, or a sharp-as-a-tack but completely unreliable narrator - your choice... I digress.) the philosophical saw-off continues to torture my poor doggie brain. Which is it?

Wednesday

Oops...we missed our 4-year Anniversary!

We've missed a lot of things lately. We ESIs get distracted easily. In case anyone is concerned about this, we haven't forgotten about the contest and will have an Emergency meeting VERY soon to determine the winner.
For those interested in looking back at our first post in celebration of our 4th Anniversary, here it is! The 5th year Anniversary will be huge. Just wait. We are already making preparations.

Tuesday

Llama dramarama, part two

Cedric and I have spent a couple of days talking about llamas and alpacas. It is the first step in my plan to help the little gnome get over his fear of the four-legged Andean creatures.

Today we made a major breakthrough: Cedric was able to look at a photo of a llama without shivering violently, falling over or vomiting.

It helps that the tiny man loves to sing: Alpaca-p my troubles in my old kit bag ... (whistling follows).

Cedric thinks he is so clever.

Sunday

RNDP 25: More Dating Developments from those Hardworking Scientists

"Intranasal Oxytocin Increases Positive Communication and Reduces Cortisol Levels During Couple Conflict"

Swiss researchers Beate Ditzen, Marcel Schaer, Barbara Gabriel, Guy Bodenmann, Ulrike Ehlert, and Markus Heinrichs report that a nasal spray of oxytocin helped couples discussing stressful topics have more positive communication. "Oxytocin increased positive communication behavior in relation to negative behavior and reduced salivary cortisol, i.e., their stress levels, compared to placebo." [EurekAlert]

The researchers say they're a long way from using oxytocin spray in a treatment context, so I doubt they've turned their mind to its use in the dating context. Still, if you've been dating a while and you hear the words "we need to talk" a quick sniff on an oxytoxin nozzle might be a great idea.

Can Evolutionary Theory bring us a new Paradigm?

A survey of more than 10,000 individuals in 18 "human populations" has concluded that the stereotype of men being more promiscuous than women may be wrong. Dr Gillian Brown, of the University of St Andrews, said: "The study shows that women are just as likely to seek out just as many partners as men." [EurekAlert; Telegraph; PhysOrg]

This is interesting news for anyone involved in the dating game, but Dr Brown and her team are ready to take their research much further than these initial findings and apply evolutionary theory to understanding human mating strategies.

Recent advances in evolutionary theory suggest that factors such as sex-biased mortality, sex-ratio, population density and variation in mate quality, are likely to impact mating behaviour in humans...

Taking a new perspective on what evolutionary theory predicts about mating strategies will have important implications for how we think about male and female sex roles. We're entering an exciting new era in which evolutionary theory can help us to understand the diversity of human mating strategies.

It could be that further analysis of this data will let us build a data model where we plug in Ottawa's figures for sex-biased mortality, sex-ratio, population density and variation in mate quality and as output we'll get an optimal mating strategy - a critical component of a Revolutionary New Dating Paradigm!

Friday

May Day: The trial(s) of Mayor Larry

As a city pauses to either smell the scent of spring, or (depending on your kink) possibly the mayor, His Nibs will step down (temporarily, he truly believes...) at midnight tonight to deal with that pesky criminal matter pending before the courts. And I just wanna say that it is so unfortunate that others - you uninformed critics and naysayers! - cannot see him in the same optimistic light that he does. Because despite the repeated intrusion of actual, you know, reality, time after time he somehow manages to keep right on believin' in the essential rightness, goodness and smartness of Mayor Larry, to a point that some may call ummm, delusional. In this spirit, it seems like a good moment to pause and recall some of our favourite Larryisms:
  • "Zero means Zero!" - Campaign promise to cut city taxes. And, umm, how did that go? Now an eponymous blog pointing out Our Beloved Leader's piddling, minor, utterly forgivable oopsies...
  • " "I fell asleep on my boat in July drinking a beer and when I woke up I was the mayor of Ottawa." - That's okay, fella. At least a third of Ottawa voters seem to have been blacked out that entire time, too...
  • "Quite frankly I believe with every fibre of my being that I'm innocent." - Right, gotcha. See intro, above... And after consulting (barely) overnight with an unspecified focus group whose opinions seemed to fly in the face of popular majority opinion, he said "overwhelming support" led him to cling to the job instead of bowing out after being charged...
  • "I feel like a rock star!" - To media at Ontario Provincial Police HQ, where he was formally charged and printed, in:re that aforementioned pesky criminal matter...
  • There is, naturally, no fifth quote...
  • "No comment..." - The Mayor's hired spokes-thingy, after three companies that had been signed to build a light rail system slapped the city with $277 million worth of lawsuits. His Nibs had previously persuaded council that it could tear up the contract without major consequences...
  • "Certainly I'd vote for myself..." - Larry announcing his intention to continue screwing up royally ummm, run for mayor again, in 2010 municipal elections. Maybe he went back to the same focus group he used to decide to stay in office, after he was charged in that aforementioned pesky criminal matter...?
Y'know, looking back over these quotes, I'm beginning to see that Hizzoner is in way over his custom-buffed head. Alone they might mean nothing, but there's obviously a pattern of half-recognized denial. Together, they form a highly public cry for help. Mayday, indeed...
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