Metabloggers Missing in Wake of Rita

MIAMI (Reuters) – Noted Ottawa metabloggers, the Elgin Street Irregulars, were reported missing after the vessel they had chartered failed to return to port this morning. The Vendetta set sail for the high seas late yesterday afternoon as the group celebrated International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Listed among the missing are: Coyote, 6th Apostle, 4th Dwarf, Agatha, Conch Shell, and the Independent Observer.

The vessel was last reported about 250 km south of Grand Bahama Island. Tropical Storm Rita has battered the region with maximum sustained winds of over 100 kph. Sources with the U.S. Coast Guard have stated that some debris was retrieved from the area but that it is too soon to determine whether it can be linked to the missing ship. A Coast Guard member, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that a prosthetic leg, typewriter, rosary beads, telescope, and what appeared to be some type of canine fur were pulled out of the warm Atlantic waters near the island of Bimini.

“I’m just devastated,” said Alvin, Coyote’s twin, on hearing of their disappearance. “Though, I do wonder why I wasn’t invited to the celebrations.” The former Chair of the metablog could not be reached for comment.

Maybe today she'll run into Arrrrr!

Avast me hearties, 'tis a glorious nineteenth of September!

Yesterday, the wee she-demon had a mysterious force guidin' her steps to take her out of the path of that scurvy dog B.

But the powers o' good are doin' little fer her obsession with M. That bilge rat has made an indelible impression on her mind and there's no laser will remove it. Reminds me of a problem I've had. Fer what seemed like good reasons at the time, I had a fella tattoo the name "Abigail" on me forearm. Two days later, didn't the heartless wench run off with an infantry man!

I can tell ye, having a lassie's name tattooed on yer forearm makes it hard to win the affections of another maid. So I went to another fella. This one, much more skilled with th' ink an th' needle. He turned the name of that disloyal Abigail into a fine portrait of me true love, the good ship Vendetta.

The moral o' this story? If ye're covering up one tattoo with another, ye need a skilled artist t' do the new tattoo.

Too many lives to blog

Fantastic news: because I did so well on that coaching test, I now get regular emails encouraging me to become a coach. Here is an excerpt from today's

Has this ever happened to you? We convince ourselves we HAVE 'decided' to do something when, in reality, we're only trying it on for size. We call ourselves something to see if it feels right and to see how other people react. We start looking around at what might actually be involved in becoming this new professional. We haven't really decided. We're just fixin' to get ready.

You can learn from my mistakes. Decide YOU ARE a coach.

Meanwhile, 5M is having frustrating dreams about hockey players. Here's my coaching tip if you're getting into these situations. You have to train yourself to identify when you are dreaming. Then when things start to go wrong, like the hockey player says he needs to get some "stuff", you can magically make the "stuff" appear so the hockey player stays. You can also use this technique to turn a fall off a cliff into flying around your city.

5M also tells us that Pool Guy really isn't her "type". When I say that someone isn't my type, it generally means I find them to be either a) loud and obnoxious or b) overweight. I suspect though that when a woman says a man isn't her type it's more nuanced than that.

Why were we de-linked?

Has the honeymoon ended? Have a few naïve bloggers, with some odd notion that an online public blog is essentially a convenient storage space, akin to a night-table for one's private diary, convinced our cherished 5M to remove herself from close association to us? Or, is it simply, through changing her blog appearance the links were forgotten? Is it a mind-game? Is it temporary, a warning, of the disassociation she may impose?
How does this affect us? Do we feel the rejection of it, or had we always expected it? Can we, together, power over our inborn desires to be liked? Most of us remain anonymous, but one of us basically outed himself with a trail of clues. For him, I expect, this has become a somewhat different experience, because he risks having to personally take on any negative sentiments felt for the rest of us.

A change in one's font is as good as a rest

Looks like Musie is making some real changes. Out with the old fonts, in with the new. I like the new colour motif. Less frou-frou, which is more appropriate for a gal of her style. Also looks like she's turned her blog into a team one. Where's Coyote on that list? I thought he would have had a chance at membership. And Aggie, your Bobbie is there.

We don't know either

The Pool Guy, the Dude's Ex and the M Countdown

I'm at home tonight, recovering from my plastic surgery. I expect to be looking fabulous in a couple of weeks when the bandages come off...

I was not surprised to read that the 5M will be meeting the Pool Guy for dinner. Question: Is there an obligation to go out for dinner with any control freak who asks us just because there are no other "explorations" on the horizon? I'm hoping that the Pool Guy has more to offer than the paternalistic comments about her clothing choices. But maybe he's a nice guy. Maybe we need to give him a chance. He is a lawyer, after all!

Now, on to the Dude. The 5M felt guilty -about her phone etiquette?- when she talked to the Dude's ex-girlfriend. So, she decided that she'd "show her good will" by attending the Dude's ex-girlfriend's yoga class. Question: Can someone help me out with this one, please? Conch Shell, perhaps you with all your Zen spiritual yoga training could enlighten us on this? (You see, Aggie does NOT always get it).

M: M is leaving Centretown. At first, I thought it might help the 5M if we put up a "M's leaving Centretown countdown" on our blog once all that Pirate crap comes down. But I don't think it will help. M's moving to Kanata. That is depressing in itself. It's easy to say that the loss of M is for the better. I must say, I'm not feeling all smug and judgmental about this one. And fellow ESIs, I'm not just saying this because I'm trying to endear myself to the 5M's rabid little posse...This is a sad story.

Coaching

What is a "balance coach", I asked. A little googling turned up a website with a list of balance coaches and their photos, men and women. Some are cute but they probably have some ethical thing about not dating their clients.

This Life Purpose/Spiritual Coach, is Laurie Rockwell

A modern day Socrates. Know thyself is what it's all about and Laurie helps you take charge of your life based on the "true you."

"Once I put my heart, mind and my intention into it, Laurie was able to help me discover my purpose in life." - Mary Kelley

Now 5M, might be looking for a coach, but I'm thinking some of us might want to be a coach.

That's where Coach Training Alliance comes in. These folks are all set to take us from being smug judgmental wankers to becoming professional coaches who:

enjoy the financial rewards and personal fulfillment of owning their own businesses while making the world a better place.

They've even got a quiz that will tell you if you've got what it takes [I do, 49 out of 50 points. Hint: it looks like coaches are strongly agreeable, wink, wink]

More M reflections

I forgot to remember to forget -- Kessler/Feathers

Getting to closure is tough when it comes to some relationships. The irony, of course, is that sometimes it’s not necessarily the great relationships that get all this afterthought. As Muse has pointed out in her latest missive, the relationship with M did not even have the passion she so desired. So why all the post-M obsession? From my experience, sometimes the focus on the one individual (for example, M in this case), is not the true obsession. M may be no more than a vessel to focus upon. Is the real issue more likely: "why does it never seem to work for me with anyone?" As was once pointed out to me, I am the only common denominator of all my failed relationships. That may be a trite but sobering thought. And it doesn't dismiss what responsibilities others have in making it work, but it is something we need to consider.

It's a new day

I find it interesting how we all want to share our experience of learning of the 9/11 destruction and how quickly we realized "everything's changed".

The man who made the "Arab brothers" remark shows that it wasn't the same change for everyone. I imagine that fellow already lived in a scary world.

Two highly interesting commentator developments:

Bridgehead Phoenix - I'm curious as to what flames Computer Guy is rising from. He's introduced himself with a nicely layered paragraph.

Kyle Foley - a poetry spammer! who knew that such people existed? sort of the digital version of the lcp and those folded 8.5"x11" sheets.

Back to Musie's Issues
5M has mentioned a couple of times lately that she's looking for someone with a high emotional quotient (EQ). I suspect a discussion on this topic would have people on various sides. (The Wikipedia entry on EQ has one of their "The neutrality of this article is disputed" warnings.) I thought I'd take an EQ test, but I'm halfway through and it just doesn't have options I can go with:

A work colleague does something that angers you. A month later the two of you spend some time together Response:

• Make a statement by walking away

  Let it go. The time has passed to talk about it

  Get your anger off your chest. You’ll feel better

  In a calm and forceful way, explain what made you so angry

Where's "run him through with your cutlass the instant he first catches your ire"? I guess I've got an Emotional Quotient that's off the chart.

Come back, dear commentators

So we have scared off 5M's commentators, and she likes you guys. And that makes her sad. So, come back, look through, and comment with wonder and awe, or encouragement, or your own little piece of emotional scenery, but no flaming, because she'll only delete you (as will we).

If you do, will we question your motives? We'll try to offer some restraint anyway. We already do.

Creeps and Voyeurs

Pool Guy lives on the sixth floor. Nice of Musie to tell us. Although it would have been nicer if she'd told us before we installed all that surveillance equipment on the floor below.

I'm kidding of course. We're not that creepy. But I'd like to explore a bit how how creepy we really are. And also to explore a bit about the unwritten blogging codes we've broken here at the metablog.

A good place to start is with someone we haven't heard from for a while. When 6A came back from the Vatican, he decided to see what Evolver had been up to.

Evolver did not react well to our existence:

...on to what creeped me out. What really spooked me was to discover one of my read blogs is basically... well, I'd consider it that anyway - stalked

...I've always imagined that what I write is read by no more than three or four people in a circle of folks who all read each other's blogs. And I've further imagined that what I comment isn't in fact read by anyone (including frequently the blogger themselves.)...

He was particularly affected by our reaction to his comments, in particular that we found him to be "creepy".

...'creepy' is the worst reaction of all...

I suppose I've always feared that ...

And I've always been terrified by that specific variety of bullying that plays to this vulnerability...

I imagine I'm not the only one on the metablog who feels uncomfortable being cast in the position of a "bully" and therefore probably not the only one who was glad to see him feeling better enough to get some shots off at us a couple of days later :

I'm a little past my wounded "inner child" (so to speak) today. Getting called creepy by people involved in an enterprise as spine-chillingly disturbing as that metablog is really not something to take that seriously. I mean these folks photoshop fake magazine covers regarding the blog they until recently secretly lurked in. One post refered (perhaps facetiously) to an 'ethics committee' that their metablog has. Its pretty chilling to think that this is their reined-in behaviour...

I was the first to comment here on Evolver. It was in a comment following one of Coyote's more focussed postings, but not related to it:

...this Evilver guy. He's more obsessed with 5M than we are. Posting vaguely inappropriate comments within minutes of her posting. Focussed on her sexuality when isn't he supposed to be some kind of born again Christian?

[I nicknamed him for the same reason we nicknamed everyone when we were operating in stealth-mode. We didn't want the metablog turning up on vanity Google searches. (Who knew it would take months for Google to notice we exist?) The "evil" part? It was just too easy. ]

Going back through the 5M archives, I don't think my comment on the sexuality focus was fair. My take now on Evolver's comments is they were vague but encouraging remarks. His blog has a big focus on his Christianity. That's something that creeps me out. I have a kneejerk oppositional defiance reaction to evangelism. That E'ver is an active member of Father Joe's congregation doesn't help.

The thing is that any of us who follow Musie's blog are under suspicion for being voyeurs. Yes, we read her to connect with the human condition and all that, but we also want the sex and the gossip, to see just what intimate details she'll reveal. If it's about someone we know, all the better.

And she talks enough about wanting more and better sex and more and better love that any man who reads her blog and makes contact is automatically suspected of being a creepy predator. (Except Bob who comes off like a puppy who wants to play. He's got a deft touch, that lad.)

Evolver left a comment asking about Westfest when 5M said she'd be going to it. He may well have been only interested in learning about this community event and somehow not realized he'd get a faster response typing westfest ottawa into Google. To us, it was a clumsy attempt to make contact with Musie.

When we blog readers are finding each other creepy, a good part of our perception comes from our projection of our own thoughts and feelings onto each other. "If I only wanted to learn about Westfest, I'd just Google it, I'd not try to invite a dialogue with Musie and see if she'd suggest we meet up there."

As long as we follow an intimate details blog of a woman who lives in our city, goes places we go, and knows people we know, we are going to be perceived as creepy voyeurs.

On top of that, with our metablog, we are breaking unwritten Blog-o-sphere rules. Here are the ones I'm aware of:

1. Don't ruin it for the rest of us readers by making the blogger self-conscious and aware of their lack of privacy so that they stop being so frank. (Oddly, we seem to have accomplished the opposite.)
2. Don't spy on the blogger. (In our defence, there's not a lot we can do when she chooses the best downtown cafe as her perpetual hangout. At least she's safe drinking at the F&F. )
3. Don't criticize the bloggers or the commenters. (We've been treating 5M as though we're literary critics or members of a book club and she's a writer or a character in a novel; not like we're fellow members of a big support group.)

I don't think any of us feel guilty about breaking these rules. When you create a public site on the web, it's open to any of us to read it and react to it as we choose. That doesn't give us permission to break any laws or presume there is a relationship between us that doesn't exist, but if bloggers don't want to feel like celebrities under a spotlight, they shouldn't step onto the stage.

Wayward fruit

Does anyone know how to respond to the 5M's latest? I'm suspecting there is a little bit of "What-does-this-woman-want?" going on. The fellow with the nice car offers to help her with her grocery bags, and she refuses. Then, she's offended when he doesn't help her pick up her peaches. Clearly, she likes male attention, but the "olive skin"/"scraggly hair" comment just doesn't quite work for her. Neither does the sitting next to her ogling other women thing. The men in the 5M's orbit are not quite getting it right.

This brings us back to recent stats and conversations on the former Chair's blog in which it was noted that "Knowing what you want" seems to rate high on the Lavalife "values" list. Dwarfie interprets it as follows: "I don't know what I want" can be code for "I don't know exactly what I want, but it's not a committed relationship with you." So, perhaps, those lavalifers who have been rejected in the past, opt for this "value", thinking that they just need someone who KNOWS WHAT SHE/HE WANTS--in other words, someone who won't reject them.

In the lavalife schema, the 5M would be considered one of those people who doesn't know what she wants. How about in the ESI schema?

Haircuts and heartbreaks

I commend the 5M for chopping off her hair in protest. F--- you, M! And F--- you, too, and your red hair, Y!!! The great thing about hair is that it grows back. It's not like lopping off an ear.

A haircut is a great way to mark a personal change. I remember shearing my tresses when I was a heartbroken young lass. Someone commented, "You've changed your hair." My response was, "No I've changed."

But these days I don't need a heartbreak to go for the transformational haircut. I give my hair stylist free reign over my locks. Recently, I've come out looking like Rod Stewart, but that's ok.

Music to hurt by

Agatha yesterday mentioned wallowing in Lucinda Williams and Haagen Daaz, and the Chair, elsewhere, has spoken of Billie Holiday and scotch. For me, it's about the music.

We all have them. Those discs, artfully camoflaged in our music collections, that we keep because we know we'll need music to hurt by at some point. When we feel like we're off our heads, it's a given that we don't select the tunes we'd choose when we're fully compos mentis. It's not the cool stuff, the good stuff, the great stuff by which we want our friends to judge our otherwise-excellent musical taste. Entirely the opposite, sometimes.

It could be the cheesiest, most egregious, most awful bubblegum slush, but it doesn't matter if it helps you make it through the night. Sometimes you find yourselves singing heartfelt choruses to the most banal lyrics imaginable, feeling as if they're near-poetry. Sometimes the music has no words at all. It may be about matching one's mood, or perhaps lifting it slightly, or just saying, "Fuck it" and greasing yourself straight down the tubes and doing a splashy cannonball into the slough of despond. Sometimes it's about finding a safe place to float temporarily between the emotional storms, not unaware that you're sad, but able to shelter yourself for a bit. And of course, some of it is actually good, and good for the soul.

I don't doubt that we all have top five and top ten lists of hurtin' music. I have twelve. Hey, it's arbitrary. We coyotes tend to avoid the country and western standards -- too many bad connotations to do with guys who want to shoot us from the backs of half tons. I realise this list dates me some, but everybody's music is tied to certain times in their lives, and considering I'm a millenia-old trickster, and could've chosen a proto-Sundance drum chant just as easily, I figure I ain't doing badly:

* Astral Weeks -- Van Morrison
* Late for The Sky -- Jackson Browne
* A Night to Remember -- Cyndi Lauper
* I'm Alive -- Jackson Browne
* River's Gonna Run -- Patrick O'Hearne
* Ashes Are Burning -- Renaissance
* Flight to Jordan -- Duke Jordan
* White Ladder -- David Gray
* Outskirts -- Blue Rodeo
* Touch -- Sarah McLachlan
* Partitas for Violin Solo -- J.S. Bach, played by Viktoria Mullova
* Way to Blue -- Nick Drake

Two Jackson Brownes, I know. I just like him 'cuz he howls a lot...

Poems and Obsessions

Yesterday's Poem: I know that by saying this I'm going to catch flack from those harridans on the Ethics Committee, but I liked yesterday's poem about the poets in Musie's life. I bumped into the Chair and he told me that he liked it too.

Today's Musings: You've got to admit that it's good to see her out with R. And it's good to see that we have helped her get over M.

Wait, perhaps I should run that last sentence of mine through the "De-sarcasticizer". Yup. Turns out that what I actually meant was:

It's too bad that Musie isn't over M and finds herself thinking about who he might be sleeping with. But on the bright side, it's given me an excuse for a bit of clever photoshopping.

Why men lie

Perhaps Google can provide some light on this age-old question.

Number of hits for google search on term "what men want": 39,200

Number of hits on term "what women want": 639,000

Number of hits on term "why women lie": 2,490

Number of hits on term "why men lie": 8,110

Ratio of "what women want" to "why men lie": 79 to 1

Ratio of "what men want" to "why women lie": 16 to 1

Looking at the stats hints that the greater the wants, the higher the likelihood to lie. Looking at the ratios suggests something interesting about the propensity to lie. Are women 5 times more likely to lie than men for the same level of wants?

Corrected Poll Results

As you see in the confession below a certain furry metablogger has confessed to shamelessly voting over and over again for the same option on the most recent poll.

While this means we cannot truly be certain of the exact numbers for any of the options in the most recent poll, we can be certain that there were no votes for any of:

• Another starving artist,
• A younger guy,
• A dude, or
• Another PhD student.

An option that would apparently be supported by the majority of respondents would be for 5M to hook up with a successful lesbian who welds metal sculpture while wearing blue coveralls.

So far we've turned up no matches on LL or Yahoo dating, but we will keep looking. I understand that Jennifer Beals, the hot welder in 1983's Flashdance is now on the L-Word, perhaps she'd be available.

How can 5M meet her successful semi-blue collar gal? One possibility would be a continuing education course with the Ottawa School Board (pdf file of courses). None of the downtown schools offer suitable classes, but Brookfield High isn't too hard to get to. One class that 5M could sign up for is

Home Maintenance for Women (Ms. Fix It) (I & II)Confront household problems such as: basic carpentry jobs,caulking, plastering, painting, grouting, weather-stripping, leaky faucets, problems with toilets, electrical repairs, etc.

Brookfield HS, Tony Bravo ............................. (4661)

Oct 15 & 29, Sat 09:00-03:00 PM ..................... $90.00

(Added bonus: In a pinch, 5M could fix up things around the apartment and so not have to rely on inefficient building staff.)

But there is one thing we have to accept. 5M just might not be into girls. As much as one of our members likes to say that "we're all on a continuum", every continuum has points at the end. As one New York City woman was recently overheard to say:

I'd rather be a bitch than butch. I'd rather have a thousand men than one woman.

Mea culpa * with an asterisk

Okay, okay. It was Coyote. In the Conservatory. With a Monkey Wrench. I did it. I skewed the poll. I am a shameless dog. It was indefensible. Give me the chair. (The Chair might not like this idea... ed.)

However, I can't help suspecting that others may have been working, albeit less diligently than I, to load the results also. Perhaps others with sick, voyeuristic fantasies. I'm just sayin'.

And without sinking into whining self-justification too far, I wish to add that this tawdry confession has an asterisk.

I'll resort to the toxicity model. I think we may agree that the Muse's relationship with M had elements of the toxic sort. For that reason, I felt the need to introduce a little further social engineering into our already-suspect results. If a relationship is toxic, it stands to reason that when it ends, one needs time to detox. We speak of strong emotions here. I am baffled that others would advocate trading in one relationship for another right away. It smacks of trying to kick, well, smack, by switching immediately to crack or crystal meth. We'll save the whole methadone debate for another time. What I am saying, people, is that even if you hop from one drug to another in an effort to avoid the withdrawal symptoms -- in my books, necessary withdrawal symptoms -- the cumulative emotional/psychic payback when you finally hit the wall and have to stop is going to be overwhelming.

Like so many other things, you can do this when you're a dumb yet resilient teenager. But as you get older, there are things you just don't want to get into anymore. They hurt too much, for too little gain.

What the Muse is doing right now -- assuming the Dude thing stays strictly platonic, as advertised -- is getting her head back on straight after a life-altering experience. Takes time, people. Takes time. And sometimes the things that one most ardently seeks -- say, a satisfactory relationship -- come most naturally when one finally stops looking so darn hard for 'em. It is essential to lose that underlying anxiety that drives one to overvalue lousy relationships as if they were actually worth something, and so lose other, better potentials. Try to force the process, and you're back on that badbadbad mainline. I speak not just of relationships, but of whole lives.

Of course, there's always the question of whether I actually know what I'm talking about. We coyotes are notoriously unreliable narrators.

Some nobody woman may work

Latest poll results:

What would 007 do?

Where is Sixth Apostle?

If I was a cartoonist, I'd draw some witty pictures. I'm not, so what's with his absence. I really don't approve of this silent treatment. What is he trying to say?

Empty Space

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." - Woody Allen

A bit of a melancholy day. The painful disengagement process from M. And a reminder that even dysfunctional relationships can fill up space in our lives. And then Mags leaves this week. Empty space does not seem to offer any creative possibilities for the 5M this particular evening. But we know that can change.

Life after Lavalife

So, Lavalife doesn't work. I think the CRTF team showed us that the options just weren't that great. (Although that Italian motorcycle guy in Toronto seemed quite charming.)
So, I picked a blue-collar worker in the "next person for 5M" poll. I recall reading in the paper last year that Ottawa's male government workers were among the most depressed group people in the country. Something about golden handcuffs and the guilt of knowingly wasting all our taxpayer dollars on circular activities that end up nowhere. I think the article went on to say that men in the trades are the happiest group of people.
Now, apparently male blue-collar workers make just as much as male white-collar workers in this country. I don't know the stats on this, but doesn't it seem like these blue-collar types: know how to laugh, have male friends that they do manly things with, tend to love their families, and understand responsibility.
Now, these artist/intellectual types, so many are pansy whiny, insecure, threatened by others, needing to perform one-up-manship. (Male ESI's excluded, you're an atypical bunch) And then, finally, because of their insecurity, ultimately unfaithful.
So: how about a smart, attractive, caring, fit, blue-collar worker, who will adore the 5M for all her intelligence, will be proud, and have time for her to do thesis stuff and general intellectual writing and whatnot because he's out camping with the guys, or playing soccer on Tuesdays? Or maybe fixing the car in the garage?
What about him?

Feminist Sensibilities and Yoga Booty Ballet

1) Feminist Sensibilities

5M tells us that M: "tolerated my feminist sensibilities, even if he didn't agree with them"

In 2005, what sort of man merely merely tolerates feminist sensibilities? Not a confident one, I'm thinking. An informed, confident man should be embracing feminist sensibilities. Freedom and equality and none of this crap about, "well, I wouldn't want a tiny little woman rescuing me from a burning building." You wouldn't, you imbecile? You'd not want a four and a half foot tall 92-year-old rescuing you either, but if I showed up and pulled you out, you'd be damn glad in the end, wouldn't you?

I came across a nice but longish definition of what feminism means to one woman the other day. If you can find anything in there that a person could rightly disagree with, I'd like to know what it is.

Perhaps M and 5M come into conflict on the objectifying women issue. Conchie brought it up the other day referring to the lcp's comments on women in their 20s. She told us: Feminist thought says this is simply the "but I'm the superior one here" types going down with a defiant struggle.

Maybe it would be easier if we chose sex partners the way we chose jobs, apartments or cars. You know, see what the options are, weigh the pluses and minuses, make an offer and see if it's accepted. But instead, there's all this compulsion and the smallest things release all these chemicals and hormones so that we're acting on instinct as much as anything. I have two scientist friends who've been married since 1983 and he says that what hooked him on her was the way the pink pockets on the back of her pants moved when she walked.

While "objectifying" eliminates all manner of qualities of a woman -- her mind, intellect, character, creativity, etc -- it's not all about creating inequality and limiting women's freedom.

2) Yoga Booty Ballet

In the past year or two, the Chair and I have observed that Yoga seems to be the in-exercise for women in Ottawa. Pilates is over. Kick-boxing peaked before it really caught on. Belly dancing got the feminist makeover five or ten years ago, but either Western women couldn't get the gyrations happening or they felt silly in those costumes, I don't know, but it didn't hit the big time.

In the winter, some of the celebrity women on talk shows had started talking about doing aerobic strip-tease. "It's not for the men, it's for us," they'd say, "although my husband does seem to really enjoy it." Several weeks ago, one of my friends happily told me that she and her roommate have started taking Strip -Toning lessons. They're thinking about installing a pole in the rec room to practice on.

(Being the cultural anthropologist that I am, I suggested I should observe a practice or two, but I have not yet gained the necessary trust and confidence of the study population. )

This morning I discovered that some exercise genius has combined yoga and strip tease -- Yoga Booty Ballet. I saw part of an infomercial for it this morning while I ate my breakfast. (I am not making this up.) They've got yoga moves, like upward-facing dog and downward-facing dog. And they've got some aerobic, shake your booty moves.

And they've got moves that combine the two.

One is called "upward-facing beetle". I tried to find a photo of it on Google image search, but I just don't have time to wade through that much porn this morning. It's like a combination of the upward and downward facing dog. Face and booty both up, knees slightly bent and then the pelvis is moved quickly up and down.

Which brings me to my conclusion: The issue of objectification is complicated for many of us men and I hope you women will from time to time cut us some slack.

Don't Worry, I know who I can count on

Hmm, 9 votes and only 6 ESIs on the internet this week. I'm going to assume that only one of my fellow ESIs would let me twist in the wind. And let's just say I've got a good idea of who that would be.

That individual might want to investigate Political Misery Syndrome.

And while I'm giving out links, like a straightforward blogger, here's one that is only for you Coyote. (Seriously folks, you don't want to click on that link.) Normally, I wouldn't give you any encouragement in this direction, but I feel it won't be likely to harm me as you're lying low, laughing in the grass as it were. (Isn't there some other animal known for hanging out in the grass?)

Saving the 5M from the lcp

Given the high drama of yesterday's events, as well as some ESI opposition to the lcp mini-series, a piece of the story has not been adequately analysed. Did M really try to "save" the 5M from the lcp? And, did M really directly say--"I seduced you because I wanted to save you from the lcp." If he did indeed say this, we're not seeing the kind of vitriolic anger that we should be, are we? I'd be sending the Dwarf and his merry band of thugs after anyone who said such a preposterous thing.
The 5M is now calling herself an "unreliable narrator", and we heartily approve of that feminist po-mo position. However, there is unreliability and then there's unreliability...

Edge

through prairie grasses
coyote's voice dances freely
a howl or a laugh?

Cover Blown at Spins'N'Needles

I'm sad to report that Aggie and I won't be able to do any more undercover fieldwork. Yes, the muse saw right through our disguises.

It started before I arrived with me asking a lass on the sidewalk fer the time. As she gave it to me, I realized, that's no lass, 'tis the wee she-demon! And she had a grin on her face that made me think she saw right through my disguise.

But alas, as I was working on some wee stars and Aggie was working on a collage of her trip to the Riviera, the 5M herself came along, gave us a picture she'd drawn and engaged us in conversation.

But you know, my mistake was wearing the wrong disguise. Rather than a dog costume, I should have worn my rabbi outfit.



We cleared up her confusion over the mistaken identification and had a fine little chat.

She went away for awhile and then came back to give us this note:



Not many men turn out to the Spins'n'Needles. Miss Grafton drew a picture of one. There was also a table full of men working through their issues by making collages in scrapbooks. Now I should probably have practised carving on whalebone because that's what a sailor does when he wants to turn his artistic side to the world, but I thought why not try out this collaging. Here's my effort at working through my issues.

When 5M finally left with fellow bloggers Minty and Lana, she gave us this parting message:

The LCP Poll

Does anyone remember the year Saturday Night had the phone in poll about the lobster? Phone one 900 number and the lobster would live, phone the other and it would die. The lobster lived.

A year later they did a similar vote. This time if the vote went one way, Andy Kaufman would never appear on SNL again, the other way, he would appear again. Andy lost. I paid fifty cents to vote against him because I thought that would be the funnier outcome. It was reported years later that Kaufman engineered the whole thing.

There hasn't been a lot of humour in the 5M's blog, but this new poll made me laugh out loud for a good while. It's a list of choices worthy of the Chair.

The Navy Guy

I'm assuming this is not the gay Navy guy (why am I thinking of the Village People?)
I did have a bit of a deja-vu reading the 5M's latest, but can't find her original post. I have to confess, the 5M's description of M's "consoling" shoulder pat put a lump in my throat.

Metablog to M: Renew your Passport

As we can see from this entirely scientological poll, the majority of responders want to see M sent far away.

The weakness of these polls is really illustrated in the "talk about him" or "don't talk him" choices. Are the "don't talk about him" people voting that way because they think it's the harsher punishment and he deserves it? because they think it's a softer punishment and maybe he'll pay for his conduct in other ways (if he's not been punished already)? or are they just sick of hearing and talking about M?

I could handle more M-talk, but frankly, I'm enjoying this lcp and Alpha A stuff we're getting more.

And Bob - what about Bob? We like him.

What happens with no kissing

This morning I read about the sixteen year old, who said she wouldn't kiss until she was married. By the way, her name was Bethany Patchin. She'd written this in a Christian magazine. The mag got 100 letters. A fellow contributor, Sam Torode, wrote a rebuttal, also published.

Referring to Patchin's desire to keep her bow tied, he wrote, "This sort of statement cannot help but drive young Christian men mad with desire. I can see the love letters pouring in now, from saps all over the country, proposing to poor Ms. Patchin. Never underestimate reverse psychology!"

He then quoted Flannery O'Connor: "She had never been kissed before and she was pleased to discover that it was an unexceptional experience and all a matter of the mind's control. Some people might enjoy drain water if they were told it was vodka."
I will have you know, within the year these two were married. Within one week of that, she was pregnant. And still only 19.

What now?

"What now?" the 5M asks. And so do I. Since my return from the Riviera, I have been suffering from an acute case of blog block.
She says she's "got us". I'm not sure what that means. I don't think she's got us anymore than we've got her.
Maybe we ESIs need to reconfigure ourselves as a breakup recovery team.

The Independent Observer's Summary from the past week

In the spirit of Agatha's update following the memorable Crisis Weekend, here's a precis of the last seven days:

1) After receiving the fateful e-mail, the 5M pored over the metablog last Monday morning. She seemed intrigued, flattered and, to her credit, only slightly defensive about the most critical comments. The Muse even suggested a meeting. The ESIs felt that was rushing things.

2) A meeting was convened to discuss the day's events. Coyote, 4th Dwarf, Conch Shell and the IO wished the Sixth Apostle a successful journey to the Vatican. It was noted that Agatha telegraphed a message from the Riviera inquiring about events.

3) The 5M continued to peruse the metablog archives and, understandably perhaps, felt the need to defend certain actions and comments. Much blogging ensued. But the tone was mutually respectful and at times playful (see the 6A's depiction of the 5M as a South Parkie).

4) A red flag went up for Conch Shell when the 5M mentioned she still loved M, sparking generous and fruitful discussion.

5) The 5M began engaging the ESIs not only through e-mails (how old are you guys? do you know me? were you the people in the back of the martini joint last night?), but by referring to the Elgin Streeters on her blog in a good-natured way and by posting directly to the metablog. Some of the 5M's regular posters and many of her lurkers (BlogAdmin figures about 100 people visit her site daily) stopped in to check out the metablog. Some posted, most just had a look and left.

6) In the midst of all this, 4th Dwarf took the wheel of the good ship ESI and reminded all of his preference for rough justice, while restraining his most piratical instincts -- so far. The one-legged scallywag also immediately brought a distinctive and (to my mind) most engaging nautical flair to the metablog visuals. What BlogAdmin will think of this I shudder to imagine.

7) The 5M turned the tables on the ESIs by commissioning her own poll (!) as to what she should write about in her blog. Thus, The True Eventual Story of the (l)ower (c)ase (p)oet began, and continues.

8) Our Muse also revealed that M had been in touch with the Trois-Rivieres chick, now known as J, against the 5M's wishes. Following a round of paw-pointing and much breathless banter among the ESIs, the 5M intervened to state that what really upset her was M had concealed from her these contacts (a phone call and some e-mails) with the 3R chick.

9) In other developments: the 5M has done some lava-dating, but now seems to be on hiatus; the Dude continues to hover platonically in the background; Minty is being her usual supportive self; the Muse has become more sensitive to the fact she is not so anonymous, hence the changes to her blog subtitle and declaration that it is all a work of fiction. Kind of like life, no?

A lot of crust

A theme! We coyotes like themes. They're something we can sink our fangs into. This one is about varieties of crust -- pizza and poetical.

I see that our Muse is a traditionalist in the way of yeast, using it as if it were live, rather than one of the quick varieties. I approve. Nuthin' like fresh yeasty pizza dough, straight outta the forno. We coyotes tend toward the home-ec-dropout, quick-rise cheat ourselves, but that's because if we don't have to punch it down, we don't get as many of those little dough balls stuck in our fur. As for toppings, I note that she leans heavily toward the vegetarian end of the scale, again with many traditional picks. I like bunnies, myself, but that's just me. It's really the crust, the sauce, and fresh ingredients that make a truly decent 'za, don'cha think?

The other variety of crust would be that depicted in the latest episode of the lcp story. Human politics often baffle me, but I will say this: the poet seems to have a talent for striking at a moment calculated to have the greatest effect on others. I'm not entirely sure if it's really subtle, or really blatant, but it's certainly well-practiced.

As for the eternal question of which type of crust is the cheesiest, well, that's why we have comment threads. Dig in!

Coming soon to Mags and Fags

Ouch

So we get to it, finally. M isn't asexual. Or gay. Just a rodent. I'm sad for you, Muse.

Certain guys of the male persuasion tend to think 'no harm, no foul' to themselves as long as there's no body contact below the belt. But our Muse is now experiencing, somewhat after the fact, the very concrete betrayal of an emotional affair -- unfortunately from the outside. Harm and foul.

M always kept one foot halfway out the door during the relationship. This J stuff was, in the rationalizing part of his mind, barely a foot-creep further. But for practical purposes, he was involved with someone else. And if he didn't tell ya about any of it, then in some more honest part of his mind, he knew he was in the wrong. I'm not going to go into any more about emotional affairs, because the information is out there already. Even Ann Landers and Dear Abby write about it.

What M does or says at this point, or any future one, is now immaterial. He's shafted the Muse. (And she's doubtless thinking "Duhhhh!" to herself at this point in the narrative...) Interestingly, her posts have shown a half-awareness, all along, that M has not been there for her. That awareness only started becoming conscious a couple of months back.

The Muse's next move may be to wonder whether she herself was passive-aggressively manipulated into pulling the plug, made to do the work so that M didn't have to emotionally dirty his hands. Which would pretty much follow the pattern of the entire relationship. The next after that may be be to wonder if M. has had even more contact with J than he has so far admitted, and is hoping to use the old "she dumped me" gambit to get reinvolved with her.

I'm gonna suggest not descending into that particular endless circle of hell... In my pungeant (stolen) phrase of a coupla days back, 'that way lies rump of skunk and madness'.

To the Muse, I'd say, forget him now. Do what you need to heal. Make sure it is about you, and not about M. Get on with the business of getting past him and whatever he's done or is doing, and seeing to your self. If that involves feeling crappy for awhile, do it. But don't get stuck there. See friends. Move on. You've got a life.

Who is Watching the Watchers?

Say, Metabloggers, remember earlier in the summer when we'd go a week between 5M postings, so we'd riff on aluminum foil hats and translating things into unreadable dialects?

The Wee She-Demon is keeping us busy now. Where to start?

The Martini Bar
Were we the litter of kittens at the martini bar? 20-somethings? I'm afraid Conchie made me promise that I'd not get into a 20-questions game with the 5M.

It can't feel good to always be wondering if that person over there is an ESI or that gang over there is alll of us. On the other hand, before we revealed ourselves, there were already 150 or more people reading 5M's blog every day. Some of them must be visiting places she's known to frequent and have a good idea of what she looks like.

The True Eventual Story of the (l)ower (c)ase (p)oet
An excellent opening. Lots of drama with the fiance bit.

More Misconceptions

1. Latest A = Original P, ≠ Icy-Eyed Runner P, excellent. But it never bothered me anyway.

2. I wonder why 5M would think the Chair thought she was creepy. I have trouble remembering his formula for older women and younger men. Oh yes, 0.75 times her age plus 3. Has the 5M been in a relationship with a 26-year-old? That would make the relationship creepy to the Chair. For me, as long as the woman is hot, I don't think it's creepy. But let's not have this discussion here. The Chair has a perfectly good place for it. It's too bad the Chair is off getting re-caned or we could ask him. I'm pretty sure he's never thought 5M is creepy. He'd have mentioned it to me if he did.

3. We really like Bob and Minty, but I think we've seen some evidence that not all 5M's readers would meet her criteria for good and decent.

4. We missed a reference!! You see this is what happens when there are multiple postings and people are taking trips to the Vatican and the Riviera! (Research Department, can you get to the bottom of this?)

5. The line about Abhoria advising us to be more self-revelatory in the interests of a richer narrative made me laugh. Score another one for the wee she-demon.

The New Blogger Button
Have you noticed our blog and 5M's blog has a new button at the top "Flag". Is it a coincidence that I didn't notice it before she gave us the "I love my cunt" quote?

And More
News of Maggie the Giant Cat and pictures. Including an image of her! Honestly, Aggie can't get back to soon to please me. I'd even be glad to see Siren.

Blog-iverse to ESIs: Get a Life

5M comes out swingin' at the ESI's

Well, I'm glad she's defending herself. It's about time, 5M.

The coyote chronicles

So I've been sniffing about the hideously-named blogiverse these past couple of days, finding much new stuff. (I'm a very curious coyote. Apparently with waaaay too much time on my paws...) Some of it was laid open to me by Occidental Girl, who until now has been a lurker on the Muse's site. (I've already admitted elsewhere that I'm not a techie coyote -- comes of being a prehistoric/mythical/animistic kinda canine -- but you can look her up over there.) Glad ya came out, by the way, OG -- from the Occidental Tourist, you seem like a nice virtual person, and you in turn have sent me trotting by Snowball in Hell. Who also seems like a nice virtual person, by 'virtue' of posting a really good recipe for stovetop chocolate oatmeal cookies.

Dear me. One paragraph and I'm already digressing. Assuming I even started with the intended topic. It's that damned doggy attention span... and we won't even go into the whole gratuitous use of parentheses thing.

Oh yeah, I remember now. Also in my recent travels, I came across this BBC interview with the gentleman who built the world's first web page, dog's years ago. He mentions how gratified he is that blogging seems to be enabling new forms of literate creativity. This interests me, because we purport to run a creative (meta)blog here. Well, at least a little outside of the norm, anyway.

Our Muse so far has proved receptive to the week's revelations. I like to think that this shows a certain flexibility on her part. Others have wondered about 'creepy'. Still others have wondered whether this blog's time is now over. To them, I'd have to say that to our own certain knowledge we've jumped the shark at least three times already. Wearing the full Brylcreem, leather jacket and water skis ensemble. Yoohoo! Still here! We honestly don't know what happens next, either.

But I think that what I want to underline here is that blogging is a creative medium. Creative. Not destructive. In fact, we practice a certain respect. It's certainly a long shot from anything like reverence or utter seriousness, but it is respect nonetheless. So, when some of ya need remindin' of your manners from what certain of my cowboy, ummm, acquaintances call a no-good, low-down, belly-crawlin' coyote, well, look in the mirror and draw your own conclusions. Or a really ridiculous magic marker moustache.

How's it goin', "A"?

Now I'm confused. This is not the same "A" she was talking about a couple of weeks ago. And I can't seem to link him to the other cast members. Help me out ESI'ers.


Good to see she's getting the support she needs.

Kens wanting Barbies

A while ago you also said you want a man who has never been married and has no kids. I'd say you better be looking for a man who's a lot younger than you.
I'd say a man your age who wants a nice committed relationship, AND has never been married or had kids, doesn't exist.

This is a recent comment from Ken on 5M's site. Okay, nice of him to try some advice, I suppose. But this is either a conceited and stupid man in his 20s, or he's mean. What's the average age of first marriage these days? 34.3 for men, 31.7 for women (Stats Can, 2000). Given that lots of people (presumably like Ken) get married first time in their early 20s, lots do it in their 40s too. And generally, not to virgins.
Now, I think going the cougar route is a bad idea. I know, this isn't necessarily the standard feminist viewpoint, and I used to argue: right on girlfriend. But personally, I think it makes a woman feel older to hang out with men who are younger (and typically wanting even younger women than themselves). And if babies are the agenda, these younger guys just waste time and lo-and-behold -- as unfair as it is that the biological clock ticks despite ourselves -- it becomes too late. (China excluded -- cute little backup plans provided you got an extra $30,000).
One other comment, Dude is coming through for 5M. She can be honest with him (given how he's written off as inappropriate), and he in return can say what he's thinking.

Heisenberg Directive Revoked

Regular readers might be interested in noting that the answer to the third question on the answers page has been revised.

And so far, she seems to be okay with what's here.

It's funny how often we hear that we have too much time on our hands. But then more than one person who has said that has become a frequent contributor.

Since she linked to us, I suppose we could spell out what 5M stands for, but I'm just too used to typing the two characters.

Anyway, it is good to hear that she is taking down the Elphin posting. I hope she eventually gets to the comments we've exchanged on the dangers of talking about the K-witch.

Ahh, the ironies of life

It looks like M has come under the spell of Saint Agnes the Chaste.

I'll leave it to the rest of you to provide any further comments on this observation of M's guilt-based obsession with the Virgin of Trois Rivieres. (Ooo..I just had a chill. Do I sense a new beatification coming from la belle province?)

Chick Flicks and Swift Kicks Beat Dude Licks

Going Back to the Elphin

I've been thinking about 5M's Elphin posting now and then since she posted it the other morning. It bugs me.

Ex Maleficio asked: "Why does she seem to have such a need to malign people?"

And the Elphin posting begs that question more than most of her postings have. Much of her criticism of the supers are cheap shots on the way they look, dress and celebrate holidays.

If these people are not as bad as 5M makes them out to be, I feel badly for them. If they are as bad, I feel badly for 5M that she has given them ammunition to use against her.

5M says she is "a nice girl" and has complained more than once that M didn't compliment her for being a "nice person".

I'm not a big fan of "nice". It has connotations of blandness and accepting situations that one shouldn't have to accept.

But this posting goes beyond "not nice" into "down right nasty".

I used to have a friend, Pixie, who seemed nice when around people, but when you were alone with her, she would share all sorts of uncomplimentary things about these other people. It was entertaining for a while, but then I thought, "what does she say about me when she's with other people?" I'm glad Pixie didn't have a blog and I don't know.

Another thing I wondered was, if Pixie thinks so many negative things about other people, is she thinking that we're all having these sorts of thoughts about her? And I believe she was thinking that. Because she saw malice towards her when I'm sure there was nothing more than thoughtlessness, or even a misplaced effort at being nice.

Okay, kitties it is, then

Our speculations about what the Muse most needs at this time in her life have been answered in today's post. She is now the proud foster parent of Maggie, a , quote, 'giant cat'. Okay, giant kitties it is, then. I approve. Oily snakes are not what she needs. Kitties, on on the other hand, are good for all sorts of ailments of the spirit. I imagine that large economy size kitties are that much more effective. But then, I merely may have been swayed by watching way too much television advertising. Not my fault. I misunderstood when they said TVs came with rabbit ears. I'm just not always a very tech-savy coyote, I'm afraid....

Lets hope someone doesn't Google Kuz'n..witch

Once again, the 5M flirts with potential litigious-provoking language in her review of life in her old apartment.

UPDATE 2005.08.16: The litigious elements of the 5M post were subsequently retracted.

Meech Lake with the Dude

My apologies, fellow meta-bloggers, but I'm changing my tune here. I think it's ok for the 5M to hang out with the Dude for a little while. I'm thinking a little Dude-action would not hurt and might be a good antidote to what she's been dealing with.
Sometimes the situation calls for hanging out with a silver-tongued devil with six offspring. This may be one of those situations.