Tips for Criminal Masterminds: the Secret Lair

As a criminal mastermind you need more than a hideout. You need a base of operations suitable for developing your nefarious plans to take over the world.

The Diefenbunker - too obvious?

Here in Ottawa there are many properties that will require very little retrofitting to meet your needs. Most are not currently on the market, but as an evil genius, you should be able to overcome that challenge.

The great news is that you'll be able to tour many sites without suspicion this coming Saturday and Sunday as part of Doors Open Ottawa.

Of course, you'll want to see the Diefenbunker. It is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday. In my opinion, the Diefenbunker is too obvious a location for a secret lair, but you're the evil genius.

There are a good number of embassies on the list as well as churches and schools that could meet your needs. Lisgar Collegiate used to have a rifle range on its 4th floor.

Traffic Operations - inspiration?

Even if you don't want to acquire one of the Doors Open properties, you might get some good ideas. For example, the City's Traffic Operations Unit at 175 Loretta Ave has control and monitoring systems you might like to study.

There is one possibly ideal location not on the Doors Open list we expect to be up for sale in the next few months. It's only a block from Parliament Hill and has escalators going up and down to a large basement. I'm talking about the Zellers at 156 Sparks. It's one of the few Zellers outlets that have not been bought by Target.

Your new lair?

If I were a criminal mastermind, I'd snap this Zellers up as soon as it comes on the market and keep it a low price retail store. Not just for the income stream, but also so that my minions could come and go without notice and I could buy their uniforms wholesale.

The light rail tunnel construction starting soon would also cover up the noise and waste from any excavation I wanted to do for extra sub-basements or my own secret tunnels.

Good luck wherever you decide to locate your lair. Feel free to invite us to the house warming party. We'll be sure to bring a suitably evil houseplant.

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Skill Building

Not quite ready to take over the world? Perhaps you need to strengthen a few skills or develop some new abilities. The City of Ottawa offers a number of low cost programs that can help you.

There are many suitable offerings in the Spring – Summer 2011 Recreation Guide. Here is a small selection from the adult program:

Public Speaking
Improve public speaking with practical tools including breathing techniques and voice work. Build confidence addressing a group in a supportive environment. Skills help in various professional settings.
Nepean Creative Arts Centre – 613-596-5783
Fri 6:30-7:30 pm
Apr 8-May 13 $61.25 645286

Chivalrous Sword Handling
Sword fighting? You mean like Lord of the Rings? Train in the safe handling and fair usage of the European Broad Sword.
Instruction includes parts and history of the sword, shield work, code of Chivalry and how to make chain-maille armour.
Plant R.C. – 613-232-3000
Level 1
Sun 10:30 am-12:30 pm
Jul 10-Aug 28 $90.25 635205

Hypnosis – Basic Techniques
Hypnosis is a tool to communicate with the subconscious. Learn how to achieve a deep sense of relaxation and assist with habits and goals with the guidance of a certified hypnotherapist.
St-Laurent Complex – 613-742-6767
Wed 6-8:55 pm
May 25 $68 636776
Jun 15 $68 636778
Jul 13 $68 636781
Aug 3 $68 636784
Aug 24 $68 636786

The City also has a program to prepare your children to become better henchmen for you:

Spy Camp
Hone your craft, meet ‘real spies’, and run training missions through top-secret briefings and activities. Develop a disguise, make and break codes, use escape and evasion techniques, create spy gadgets, and uncover the science in spying.
Pinecrest R.C. – 613-828-3118
6-8 yrs Tue-Fri 9 am-4 pm
Aug 2-5 $132 644569

FAQ
Q: Are there other courses I should consider?
A: Absolutely, if you haven’t worked your way up to Ballroom Dance Level 10, get on it right away. And if you have not mastered an obscure musical instrument you can start with piano lessons. The piano is not an ideal instrument for an evil genius, but learning it will help you learn how to play the pipe organ.

Q: Should I sign up for one of the dog obedience courses?
A: What? The only dogs an evil genius should have are attack dogs managed by a professional trainer. If you’re looking for pets, it’s cats or reptiles.

Q: Until my plans come to fruition, I’m a little tight on funds. Any way to get a break on registration fees?
A: Of course. Just apply to the Fee Assistance Program.

Never Trust a Google Poem

* Never Trust a Hippy
* Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be
* Never Trust A Junkie

* Never trust your solder joints
* Never Trust a Man in Crocs
* Never trust a millionaire quoting the sermon on the mount
* never trust an attractive woman that you meet in a dungeon

* Never trust the media guys who tell you to “go ahead and leave your mic on”
* You Should Never Trust Someone Whom You Don't Know To Take a Decent Picture
* you should never just trust a review

* Never Trust a Scrawny Foodie
* Never trust an international guarantee
* Never trust a CEO with your personal well-being
* Never trust a cloud!

* Never Trust Your GPS.
* Never Trust the Internet to Always Be Your Friend
* Never trust Google Maps when walking!

* never trust a fart no matter what.

* Never trust your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
* Never Trust A Jawa
* Never, NEVER trust your form inputs.
* You Should Never Trust The Photos Hotels Post Online

* Never trust downloads even if it is from a respected official download site because it might still be a threat
* Never Trust a Politician
* Never trust a warlock

* Never trust a fart. I had a rather unfortunate experience after tonight's 10 mile run.

* Never Trust An SEO Salesman
* Never Trust Anything With That Much Wicker Around
* Never trust a man who wears a sweater vest
* Never trust a big butt and a smile

[*]

You've been warned

Barking up the Big E-Bike Ban

Yesterday, the National Capital Commission moved to ban E-bikes -- at least honkin' big ones -- from recreational paths. Public consultations, fines for perps, and everythin'.

Don't get me wrong. I love e-rides. One of the biggest hoots I've had in the past year was hijacking somebody's robo-mower for an exhilarating l'il motocross through Greely. Hilarity with a minimal carbon footprint! I digress.

Normally, us coyotes see the NCC's double-mittsful of planners as, ummm, Double-Bureaucratic Twits. Like many bureaucrats and planners, removed from the real world. Except by about times two. Maybe squared. More likely cubed.

But on the Big E-Bike Ban, I'm gonna go all Randall Denley on ya, and agree with the twits, maybe actually be one myself. I reluctantly concede that they might get it right by accident. Sometimes.

The cycles in the NCC's crosshairs are the ones that look and act pretty much like full-fledged motor scooters.

Dealers of these things say they're being targetted unfairly. And kinda ignore the fact that like their gas-snorting kin, they're plenty heavy and drive at city traffic speeds. Sure, e-scooters sport pedals, but they're evolutionary vestigial tails -- near-fictional afterthoughts to skootch owners past motor scooter license laws on a technicality. Honest owners will admit their spiffy e-rides are way too heavy for such sweaty nonsense.

I mostly blame bicycle brain. Cyclists that think they're not on real vehicles, and so are not subject to real road rules.

Bicycle brainiacs do all sortsa crap. Elbowing walkers on sidewalks, blowing off stop signs and red lights with that cute li'l semicircular sidestreet deke that abets the private fiction that they haven't done anything illegal or dangerous. On recreational paths, bicycle brain causes 'em to barely nod to the, ummm, strong suggestion to ring their bells when they're overtaking unaware pedestrians in speedy silence. Even if there are only a thousand or so in the city right now, calling what amount to full-on scooters that weigh a couple hundred pounds and go 50 or 60 kph, "bicycles" and letting 'em loose on recreational paths is just askin' for disjointed tails. Or worse. And I know from disjointed tails.

So just this once I tip my semi-mythical hat to the bureaucratic twits. Bask in your coyote kudos! We know it can't last...