Why the Harper Government®©™ can't ban asbestos...

Canada Post: still packin' mojo

Yup. When you're a crown corporation with a business model that is:

• aging less than gracefully;
• getting whacked mercilessly by the intertubes;
• stumbling toward long-term decline;
• hated by current government with an ideo-illogic verging on insanity;

and the only ploy management can come up with to fend off discussing a pressing, problematic pension issue with striking unions is to lock 'em out and make a bald-faced, unsubtle, shamelessly opportunistic play for some of that anti-union back-to-work legislation just like Air Canada got...

...Nuthin' says "We're totally ready to face all that down and get on with the whole 21st century thing" like, ummm, repainting all the mailboxes...

Still here, still semimythical, still ornery

Oh, I know some figured us semimythical coyotes to stump off into a semimythical western sunset to die of disappointment after that last election. But nooooooooo. We've been proud pests for the past six millennia, and with luck will keep at it for another six or twelve. We're ornery that way. (Insert trademark "I digress" here - Ed.)

In the post-election-seek-the-silver-lining pall, pundit types speculated that maybe a Tory majority rule would usher in a new era of political civility, now that the PM was comfortable - and so, more reasonable.

Mmmmhmmm. Maybe if you consider his long-gnawed-at ambition to try to root his (many) unpalatable ideas into the national ethos like so much psychic bindweed "reasonable". Maybe if you think authoritarian autocrats with a mile-wide muley streak are likely to do less of what they were doing when they were less... comfortable.

When he brayed "conservative values are Canadian values" to his caucus at the beginning of June, editorialists took it to mean that he was reassuring the two-thirds of the electorate who kinda didn't vote for him that they had nothing to fear.

Coyotes, suspicious critters to a dog, figured it was probably just laying pipe to marginalise anyone opposed to Harper-brand tories by calling 'em "unCanadian".

The new cash collection started at last week's self-congratulaTory convention, to fund a whackdown of their only "real" opposition - "left-leaning media" - kinda ices the poisoned gâteau. Lessee: National Post, Globe & Mail, PostMedia News, Quebecor/Stun chain... they all endorsed these guys. Some held their noses over that piffling, albeit unprecedented, contempt-of-Parliament ruling from the Speaker, perhaps the better to apply 'em to Mr. Harper's butt. Butt they did it.

(I note that that other piffling, albeit unprecedented, thing, the post-election report from the Auditor General that Harper knowingly misled parliament so a couple cabinet ministers could mishandle a whole whack of millions as a personal re-election slushfund for the, ummm, honorable member from Muskoka, was handled identically: a carefully calculated, casual, very public shrug, to reassure the party's dim base that their guys weren't exactly the same kind of utterly amoral, opportunistic, rats as the ones they hoofed out a few prorogued parliaments back...)

Damn digressions! Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. So, I'm thinkin' that means that the only left-leaning media, ummmm, left in this town is Coyote News. These crosshairs feel stylish. Like making a Nixon enemies list. I should be able to dine out on this one for the next four years at least...

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: the Secret Lair

As a criminal mastermind you need more than a hideout. You need a base of operations suitable for developing your nefarious plans to take over the world.

The Diefenbunker - too obvious?

Here in Ottawa there are many properties that will require very little retrofitting to meet your needs. Most are not currently on the market, but as an evil genius, you should be able to overcome that challenge.

The great news is that you'll be able to tour many sites without suspicion this coming Saturday and Sunday as part of Doors Open Ottawa.

Of course, you'll want to see the Diefenbunker. It is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday. In my opinion, the Diefenbunker is too obvious a location for a secret lair, but you're the evil genius.

There are a good number of embassies on the list as well as churches and schools that could meet your needs. Lisgar Collegiate used to have a rifle range on its 4th floor.

Traffic Operations - inspiration?

Even if you don't want to acquire one of the Doors Open properties, you might get some good ideas. For example, the City's Traffic Operations Unit at 175 Loretta Ave has control and monitoring systems you might like to study.

There is one possibly ideal location not on the Doors Open list we expect to be up for sale in the next few months. It's only a block from Parliament Hill and has escalators going up and down to a large basement. I'm talking about the Zellers at 156 Sparks. It's one of the few Zellers outlets that have not been bought by Target.

Your new lair?

If I were a criminal mastermind, I'd snap this Zellers up as soon as it comes on the market and keep it a low price retail store. Not just for the income stream, but also so that my minions could come and go without notice and I could buy their uniforms wholesale.

The light rail tunnel construction starting soon would also cover up the noise and waste from any excavation I wanted to do for extra sub-basements or my own secret tunnels.

Good luck wherever you decide to locate your lair. Feel free to invite us to the house warming party. We'll be sure to bring a suitably evil houseplant.

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: Skill Building

Not quite ready to take over the world? Perhaps you need to strengthen a few skills or develop some new abilities. The City of Ottawa offers a number of low cost programs that can help you.

There are many suitable offerings in the Spring – Summer 2011 Recreation Guide. Here is a small selection from the adult program:

Public Speaking
Improve public speaking with practical tools including breathing techniques and voice work. Build confidence addressing a group in a supportive environment. Skills help in various professional settings.
Nepean Creative Arts Centre – 613-596-5783
Fri 6:30-7:30 pm
Apr 8-May 13 $61.25 645286

Chivalrous Sword Handling
Sword fighting? You mean like Lord of the Rings? Train in the safe handling and fair usage of the European Broad Sword.
Instruction includes parts and history of the sword, shield work, code of Chivalry and how to make chain-maille armour.
Plant R.C. – 613-232-3000
Level 1
Sun 10:30 am-12:30 pm
Jul 10-Aug 28 $90.25 635205

Hypnosis – Basic Techniques
Hypnosis is a tool to communicate with the subconscious. Learn how to achieve a deep sense of relaxation and assist with habits and goals with the guidance of a certified hypnotherapist.
St-Laurent Complex – 613-742-6767
Wed 6-8:55 pm
May 25 $68 636776
Jun 15 $68 636778
Jul 13 $68 636781
Aug 3 $68 636784
Aug 24 $68 636786

The City also has a program to prepare your children to become better henchmen for you:

Spy Camp
Hone your craft, meet ‘real spies’, and run training missions through top-secret briefings and activities. Develop a disguise, make and break codes, use escape and evasion techniques, create spy gadgets, and uncover the science in spying.
Pinecrest R.C. – 613-828-3118
6-8 yrs Tue-Fri 9 am-4 pm
Aug 2-5 $132 644569

FAQ
Q: Are there other courses I should consider?
A: Absolutely, if you haven’t worked your way up to Ballroom Dance Level 10, get on it right away. And if you have not mastered an obscure musical instrument you can start with piano lessons. The piano is not an ideal instrument for an evil genius, but learning it will help you learn how to play the pipe organ.

Q: Should I sign up for one of the dog obedience courses?
A: What? The only dogs an evil genius should have are attack dogs managed by a professional trainer. If you’re looking for pets, it’s cats or reptiles.

Q: Until my plans come to fruition, I’m a little tight on funds. Any way to get a break on registration fees?
A: Of course. Just apply to the Fee Assistance Program.