Some Canadian Jokes to Lighten the Mood

I ended up getting books for the little ones (the illiterate bastards). There were not enough monster mittens for everyone. Since one of my wee nephews lives in Essex, I decided to educate him about Canada by giving him a book entitled 101 Cool Canadian Jokes by Erin O'Connor.

Here are a few highlights from the collection:

Knock,knock!
Who's there?
Caribou!
Caribou who?
Don't cry--it's only a joke!

What do pigs clean the ice with?
A Hamboni.

What do you get when you cross a great hockey player and a plumber?
Drain Gretzky.

What's smelly, green and gross and works on Parliament Hill?
The slime minister!

Yes, they are lame little jokes...

Required reading

Don't despair, fellow ESIs. We all should take a deep co-dependent breath and avoid a needless slide into a destructive shame spiral. I urge you to read this pamphlet distributed by the good people at The Nonist. It will cure our collective e-ennui.

Why are the ESIs not blogging?

Is it because....

1) They miss Musie, and refuse to blog until she comments?

2) They are now all busy saving the world?

3) They are suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder and don't even have the mental energy to blog?

4) They are all out buying monster mittens for their loved ones?

5) They are all having a party that I haven't been invited to -- perhaps on a boat that got lost at sea?

Christmas shopping strategy

My Christmas shopping strategy is simple: get everyone the same thing. Do not enter more than one store, or even one on-line shop.
This year is the year of monster mittens shown above. Last year, I entered one bookstore and got everyone books. The little ones informed me that books are boring. So, this year the little illiterate bastards will get monster mittens.

Delusions of reindeer

Up-front disclaimer: I like Christmas. As a coyote with a walk-on part in another pantheon myself, I also fully approve of, and support, Diwali, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Hanukkah, Sun Dances, Nirvana Day and Ukrainian Christmas. In fact, any open and joyous celebrations of the cosmic oom that haven't been co-opted by politicos or retailers.

Politicizing of religion, or vice versa, is a weighty topic for another time and place. What I'm on about here is Christmas Muzak. Trite and overdone, I know, but anything to help keep the Short Guy's butt from dragging, what with all his unassisted effort posting over the past week. Especially considering the size of his butt, and how close it is to the ground, already. I digress.

In a store last week, I noted with alarm that consumer traffic was way up, its awareness of its surroundings was way down, and supplies of the really good cheap bittersweet chocolate were non-existent. All while I tried to avoid gettin' my tail stomped. Not pretty. But the capper was the shitty 'seasonal' muzak, all crap when it was issued, and completely unimproved by age. Or overplaying. I mean, in this setting, if there's gonna be any pained yowling goin' on, it should be mine.

The Petfinder recently published an article stating that retail surveys show that piping in unending seasonal music beginning in October or so, boosts sales. Gotta love those surveyors.

My trite objection: Retailers never play the better hymns or carols. There's good seasonal pop, too, but nooooo. Might remind people of the true nature of of the holiday, blah blah blah and they don't want that. They go instead for the scummy dregs of recent popular Christmas music, played by the scummy dregs of cover bands, knowing full well that the jackhammer effects of The Little Drummer Boy, Holly Jolly Christmas, Rockin' round the Christmas Tree and, dog help us, any random track from the Boney M. Christmas Album, ad nausæum, puree customers' brains to the point where they'll buy anything. It is useless to resist. Ka-Chinggggg!

Okay, I'll make one (trite) exception. Snoopy's Christmas by the Royal Guardsmen, 'cuz it's about a dog. And the harmonies are terrific. Now, excuse me. I need to go bite a retail surveyor. Or a retailer.