Hiphuggers

Walking out of the Chateau Laurier gymnasium the other day after a rather vigorous workout with the medicine ball, I spied a couple of young women holding signs.

They read: Free Hugs.

Naturally, I scurried briskly in the other direction, fearing these ladies to be intoxicated.

A short time later, I stumbled across a most interesting website devoted to this vexing phenomenon, The Free Hugs Campaign.

It seems things began when a disheartened young man, returning home from vacation to Sydney, Australia, was so starved for attention he sought the embrace of strangers in the street.

The authorities have now seen fit to ban the movement. But that hasn't stopped the campaigners from recruiting new jihugists.

Actually, it all reminds me of the whimsical days of my youth, as I could often be found strolling around the Kent State University campus placing daisies in the barrels of the guns clutched by National Guardsmen.

Ah, but that was a more innocent time.

Bl@gging @ggie

Aggie has hung out a new 'default muse' shingle over on her blog with a new colour scheme evocative of certain, ummm, other muses of our acquaintance, and with a new tag line that pretty much sums it up.

Is it wise to invite, indeed flaunt, such a blatant comparison? I mean, I prob'ly shouldn't be biting the ankle of the hand that's throwin' me a bone here, but hey, I'm a very badly domesticated puppy and I just need to draw up a list or two to straighten out a few things in my own dim doggie mind:

Muse:

• Lives downtown
• Dysfunctional relationship(s)
• Cringeworthy revelatory details
  
• It's all about her

Aggie:

• Lives downtown
  
• Dysfunctional automobile
• Cringeworthy bandages all over her face
• It's all about her

Okay. Not really sure what all of this ecologically-driven (Hah! Good one!) angst over a car is about, since I pretty much walk wherever I go, but maybe we can work with this....

Hey, Aggie! Start combing your bandaids! It's Cecil B. DeMille's third cousin's little sister's former best friend on the blower! Ya might hafta get ready for your close-up!

Emergency Meeting Minutes: February 16th

Place: Usual Spot

In Attendance: 4th Dwarf, Aggie, Conch Shell, Coyote, Independent Observer (in order of arrival ) Guests: Painted Stick, Pandora

The meeting begins with Pandora being briefed on current crisis. Pandora is shocked to learn[redacted]

Conch Shell asserts that the baby cartoon was inappropriate, commenting that the baby was sexualized in the cartoon. Other group members inform CS that they didn't see that at all, and that perhaps that is her own little twisted mind at work.

[Redacted]

Pandora points out that we can't always control how people will respond.

[Redacted]

4th Dwarf uncharacteristically orders a grog.

[Redacted]

Painted Stick asks: "Is the meeting over yet?" then corrects himself: "I mean, how's the meeting going?"

Conch Shell takes minutes while Aggie eats her burger. 4th Dwarf is uneasy about this.

Painted Stick starts talking about his G-string, and the discussion moves to sex.

4th Dwarf reasserts that there was no infraction, while Coyote, Aggie and CS all think [redacted]

Painted Stick says - "We've had a full discussion. Let's vote and move on."

4th Dwarf: "We haven't even gotten to the items of business yet."

The IO (a late arrival) is asked his opinion. He states that the cartoon was "borderline".

4th Dwarf argues that the Baby N cartoon was mentioned in the minutes and that no one had a problem with that.

Aggie complains of a headache. Coyote tells her that someone on CSI had a headache for a week and it turned out she had been shot. Then, a side-discussion broke out about which is better CSI-NY or CSI Miami. CS prefers Miami because of the prettier colours. Coyote prefers CSI-NY and likes all the darkness with lots of blue overtones.

Back to the issue at hand.

Conch Shell: We got lax. Instead of finger-pointing, we are all to blame.

Coyote: Anarchy is what we've been all about since the beginning.

Aggie: Do we need some kind of disciplinary mechanism in place so that this won't happen in the future?

Conch Shell points out that only the blogger-men in the group have Administrative powers: the power to delete postings and comments.

Pandora suggests making a donation to a baby-related cause, like CHEO. We all agree that this would be a proper penance.

It is agreed that Conch Shell and Aggie be given Administrative powers to rectify the gender imbalance, and to prevent future violations.

IO says he likes the new look of the blog, but that topic tags need to be on the sidebar.

The discussion moves to John Baird's hair. Coyote thinks he's hiding a receding hairline. CS says his look is appropriate for the Conservative party.

(CS posts these minutes on Aggie's behalf, as Aggie has become a luddite in the new post-bega blog world.)

Time out from our regular programming

We take time out from our regularly scheduled programming to wish all and sundry in the ESI Broadcasting System (ESI-BS) viewing area a heartfelt, "Happy Quirkyalone Day!"

'Kay. That's it. Go back to whatever you were doing.

Image: www.gothamist.com

Plan B for Aggie

Okay. She tried intimacy. It didn't work. At least not enough to get us talking about her all the time and analyzing her life. Putting cams in the sidebar, inventing cartoons, and all that.

I think she should try expressing controversial opinions and then sticking to them.

Examples:

Bananas:

...I thought, "That's not art", and then felt like a reactionary for thinking this.

Aggie, go with it! Why is it not art?

The Superbowl:

My superbowl companions and I agreed that medleys generally suck.
...
Thanks, Harmony. I sure am glad I used that qualifier...

Come on, Agatha, medleys do suck! If you like the song, you want the whole thing, if you don't like the song, who wants 20 seconds of it?

Lucinda:

She is the goddess of broken hearts.

Who is going to disagree with that? (a) People who don't know Lucinda Williams can't. (b) People who do know her have to agree because they know it's not cool to suggest that someone else is actually the goddess of broken hearts.

Musie's secret blog:

I'm sorry she was driven off the blogosphere....
Perhaps I should have said that Musie chose to remove herself for reasons unknown.

Dame Agatha! Where is your pride? Stick with your guns, woman!

GASP! Anna Nicole Smith is dead!

4D -- excellent minutes, but I did have an excuse. I wasn't actually invited to the meeting!

But, as life rolls along, my God, the vixen/billionaire's wife/heart of gold former stripper turned powerful celeb is dead at age 39! A sad story of success and failure, and for a woman made famous by her physical similarities to Marilyn Monroe, it appears that her legacy of premature death and sadness will also be that of Monroe.

A LIST: As the story unravels, what has caused her death?

1. Ongoing despair over the loss of her son
2. She's thin (at last), married, a new baby, and still life was painful and lonely
3. Too much media attention
4. Natural causes?
5. Unintentional interaction between diet pills/depression pills, and other pills.
6. It's better to burn out, than to fade away?

Minutes: Emergency Meeting 6 Feb 2007

Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: Agatha, The Chair, Coyote, Fourth Dwarf, The Independent Observer (guest: Audrey)
Late with no excuse: Conch Shell (guest: Painted Stick)
Emergency: The Usual
Minutes by: 4D

Opening

Chair: Someone should do a cartoon series for the blog - The Adventures of Bored Baby "N".

4D: [pulls out index card, begins writing notes, does not draw picture of bored baby.]

[Redacted]

Agatha: I'm tired.

Coyote: So, I've been dealing with a person who sends ten emails to arrange a meeting, suggesting tentative times... I just want to know when the meeting is.

Agatha: Maybe she's ADD and could use an assistant. I've got an assistant now. She's great. We're doing a Clean Sweep of my office... She's totally non-judgmental, for instance she'll say things like "I'm feeling really good about this, how about you?"

[Redacted]

4D: [asks IO a prying personal question]

IO: [speaks for several minutes without actually answering 4D's question]

4D: Hmm, very interesting, but back to my question...

Agatha: Just a minute! [through gestures and inarticulate syllables Agatha expresses displeasure with 4D's persistence in questioning the IO. After a suggestion is made that she is once again avoiding intimacy, Agatha shares observations about recent interactions with a close relative.]

[Redacted]

The Phone Call

Agatha: Is it time to call Conch Shell?

IO: [Pulls out his Blackberry]

Coyote: Has anyone noticed these meetings are taking on a ritualistic character?

Agatha: [Rocking back and forth in a manner evocative of Dustin Hoffman's performance in Rainman] Really?

Chair: CS hasn't met her quota this month.

Agatha: Yesterday she told me that she now has more time.

IO: [finally manages to dial CS, leaves a stern message]... and here is what the other ESIs have to say about your absence....

Coyote, Chair, 4D, Agatha: [a chorus of booing and farting noises]

The Aborted Posting

[Redacted discussion of Agatha's aborted Muse on Elgin Street posting.]

Agatha: The lesson learned is "Don't blog while angry."

[Brief discussion of why Agatha was angry, 4D whines about the unfortunate loss of the brilliant comment he had left before Agatha deleted it all.]

Audrey: How about we have a party where the women wear dresses like that one with the polaroid photos?

The lads: [General agreement]

Agatha: [that look she gets when she is nowhere close to agreeing, is too polite to say so, but is not worried that one knows she disagrees.]

Conch shell and Painted Stick Arrive

Audrey: Hey, I went to Oz because of Aggie's recommendation... had the Asian bowl.... really liked it.

Aggie's New Car

Conch Shell: Aggie and I made a list of what she needs in her new car.

Agatha shares her list. The group quickly decides that her list is incomplete and that her new car should be completely pimped. Among the features called for:

• Purple lights on the underbody
• A popcorn maker
• A car phone - old fashioned, big honking thing
• Espresso machine
• Hairwashing sink

Singles > 36 and their Issues

Audrey: Single men over 36 have issues, let me tell you that.

4D: You mean those guys you dated in their 20s didn't have issues?

Audrey: Not like the ones over 36.

Agatha: What about women?

Audrey: I don't know, I don't have issues. Fourth Dwarf doesn't have issues.

Someone asks Audrey about bad sex.

Audrey: I think you can fix bad sex with men if you explain what good sex is.

Fourth Dwarf and the Chair have a side conversation in which they decide to try for new blog feature "Ask Audrey".

Having filled both sides of an index card, 4D concludes his minute taking.

Daddy needs a new cocktail shaker

The banks are having a rough time. Bad publicity about layoffs despite unquestionably handsome profits. Chief NDipper Jack Layton slamming those $1.50 Interac fees. Scurrilous bloggers taking well-aimed potshots.

But there's a golden opportunity to turn things around: Vegas-style cash machines.

Imagine . . . every 500th customer gets an extra $20 bill with their withdrawal.

You're the 10,000th lucky stiff in the queue? A cool $100.

And if you happen to be that most fortunate one millionth button-pusher, get set to walk away with a thousand bucks!

These little prizes would amount to pocket change for the big banks. And, heck, everyone would be so enthralled that the cigar-smoking brandy swillers could quietly jack up Interac fees to $3 a pop.