There goes the neighbourhood

Elgin and Nepean

Photo: D'Arcy McDonell

Why the Harper Government®©™ can't ban asbestos...

Canada Post: still packin' mojo

Yup. When you're a crown corporation with a business model that is:

• aging less than gracefully;
• getting whacked mercilessly by the intertubes;
• stumbling toward long-term decline;
• hated by current government with an ideo-illogic verging on insanity;

and the only ploy management can come up with to fend off discussing a pressing, problematic pension issue with striking unions is to lock 'em out and make a bald-faced, unsubtle, shamelessly opportunistic play for some of that anti-union back-to-work legislation just like Air Canada got...

...Nuthin' says "We're totally ready to face all that down and get on with the whole 21st century thing" like, ummm, repainting all the mailboxes...

Still here, still semimythical, still ornery

Oh, I know some figured us semimythical coyotes to stump off into a semimythical western sunset to die of disappointment after that last election. But nooooooooo. We've been proud pests for the past six millennia, and with luck will keep at it for another six or twelve. We're ornery that way. (Insert trademark "I digress" here - Ed.)

In the post-election-seek-the-silver-lining pall, pundit types speculated that maybe a Tory majority rule would usher in a new era of political civility, now that the PM was comfortable - and so, more reasonable.

Mmmmhmmm. Maybe if you consider his long-gnawed-at ambition to try to root his (many) unpalatable ideas into the national ethos like so much psychic bindweed "reasonable". Maybe if you think authoritarian autocrats with a mile-wide muley streak are likely to do less of what they were doing when they were less... comfortable.

When he brayed "conservative values are Canadian values" to his caucus at the beginning of June, editorialists took it to mean that he was reassuring the two-thirds of the electorate who kinda didn't vote for him that they had nothing to fear.

Coyotes, suspicious critters to a dog, figured it was probably just laying pipe to marginalise anyone opposed to Harper-brand tories by calling 'em "unCanadian".

The new cash collection started at last week's self-congratulaTory convention, to fund a whackdown of their only "real" opposition - "left-leaning media" - kinda ices the poisoned gâteau. Lessee: National Post, Globe & Mail, PostMedia News, Quebecor/Stun chain... they all endorsed these guys. Some held their noses over that piffling, albeit unprecedented, contempt-of-Parliament ruling from the Speaker, perhaps the better to apply 'em to Mr. Harper's butt. Butt they did it.

(I note that that other piffling, albeit unprecedented, thing, the post-election report from the Auditor General that Harper knowingly misled parliament so a couple cabinet ministers could mishandle a whole whack of millions as a personal re-election slushfund for the, ummm, honorable member from Muskoka, was handled identically: a carefully calculated, casual, very public shrug, to reassure the party's dim base that their guys weren't exactly the same kind of utterly amoral, opportunistic, rats as the ones they hoofed out a few prorogued parliaments back...)

Damn digressions! Where the hell was I? Oh, yeah. So, I'm thinkin' that means that the only left-leaning media, ummmm, left in this town is Coyote News. These crosshairs feel stylish. Like making a Nixon enemies list. I should be able to dine out on this one for the next four years at least...

Tips for Criminal Masterminds: the Secret Lair

As a criminal mastermind you need more than a hideout. You need a base of operations suitable for developing your nefarious plans to take over the world.

The Diefenbunker - too obvious?

Here in Ottawa there are many properties that will require very little retrofitting to meet your needs. Most are not currently on the market, but as an evil genius, you should be able to overcome that challenge.

The great news is that you'll be able to tour many sites without suspicion this coming Saturday and Sunday as part of Doors Open Ottawa.

Of course, you'll want to see the Diefenbunker. It is closed on Saturday, but open on Sunday. In my opinion, the Diefenbunker is too obvious a location for a secret lair, but you're the evil genius.

There are a good number of embassies on the list as well as churches and schools that could meet your needs. Lisgar Collegiate used to have a rifle range on its 4th floor.

Traffic Operations - inspiration?

Even if you don't want to acquire one of the Doors Open properties, you might get some good ideas. For example, the City's Traffic Operations Unit at 175 Loretta Ave has control and monitoring systems you might like to study.

There is one possibly ideal location not on the Doors Open list we expect to be up for sale in the next few months. It's only a block from Parliament Hill and has escalators going up and down to a large basement. I'm talking about the Zellers at 156 Sparks. It's one of the few Zellers outlets that have not been bought by Target.

Your new lair?

If I were a criminal mastermind, I'd snap this Zellers up as soon as it comes on the market and keep it a low price retail store. Not just for the income stream, but also so that my minions could come and go without notice and I could buy their uniforms wholesale.

The light rail tunnel construction starting soon would also cover up the noise and waste from any excavation I wanted to do for extra sub-basements or my own secret tunnels.

Good luck wherever you decide to locate your lair. Feel free to invite us to the house warming party. We'll be sure to bring a suitably evil houseplant.