Death, taxes and, oh yeah, annoying phone calls

You might think Canada's tax collectors would be a sharp bunch. Competent, educated, shrewd, with sharpened pencils at the ready. And the latest electronic tools at their disposal to flag overdue accounts, zero in on debtors and efficiently scoop up cash that's rightly owed to Canadians.

You would also be wrong.

At least, if my recent experience is anything close to typical.

Here is a verbatim transcript, with only minor identity-protecting edits, of a message left on my home answering machine:

"Hi Indochinese Obstetrician, this is Peso Cohlecta from the Canada Revenue Agency. I'm calling in regard to your old numbered corporation X87X97PD. Currently there's a lot of overdue GST returns. And I think we've been having ongoing conversations -- or you have -- with different people at the organization. I just want to get this account cleared up in terms of file-up-to-date and closed. Would you please give me a call and I can help you with that in any way I can. Currently with the notional assessment that's been done, we think you owe $7,500, which is no doubt wrong, but it's the debt that currently stands until this gets corrected, so please call me."

Things I told Mr. Cohlecta upon calling him back:
1. I have never had, nor been involved in, a numbered corporation of any kind.
2. I have not had ongoing conversations with people at the Canada Revenue Agency, just one previous conversation six months ago with him, Mr. Cohlecta.
3. In this previous conversation, I told him my name is Independent Observer, not Indochinese Obstetrician, and that I had absolutely no clue what he was talking about.

Mr. Cohlecta then said, "Oh, we must be looking for a different Indochinese Obstetrician."

"OK," I replied, "what does that have to do with me?"

"Well, your names are very similar."

"Actually, no, they are not even close."

"Are you calling me back from a 905 area code number?"

"No, it's a 613 number. I live in Ottawa."

"Oh," said Mr. Cohlecta, "that's the problem. I'm going to scratch your phone number from the database."

"I'm still totally confused," I asked. "How could this happen?"

"Well, when we are seeking a debtor, sometimes we cast a wide net and go after people with names that might match."

"This is the second call I've received from you. How do I know there won't be more? Could you kindly send me something in writing to assure me this was a mistake?"

"Well, your number has been scratched from the database. You have my personal assurance I won't call you again. And I'm going to be here for years."

We are all doomed.

Tank Top Tuesday

Helping Manny Blue hang up a purple veil.

Overheard on Somerset Street West

"You golf?" she said looking and sounding surprised.

Well, Iggy Pop, the godfather of punk, golfs, I thought to myself.

"Yes, I golf," he insisted.

Minutes: Spontaneous Meeting of ESI Editorial Board

In attendance: [Redacted]
Venue: The [Redacted] Spot

1. The Stragglers
The board discusses the reasons that some ESIs are rarely posting on their selected days and concludes that there are a variety of reasons and that each person is a unique case with special needs. They identify possible reasons they may not be posting:

• Stressful lives
• Busy shagging
• Lack of inspiration
• Microphone Fright: Fear that their post will not be of high enough quality or importance
• Feeling they do not have enough to say
• Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and the other personality disorders that seem to affect all ESIs to varying degrees, especially, ADD and OCD
• Substance abuse
  

Consensus: We must recognize that all we can do is offer our support and create a safe environment for the Stragglers as they struggle with their demons.

2. Inducements to Post
The board discusses possible ways to induce the Stragglers to manage one post a week:

• Stress that a posting need only be a pair of sentences or a single image. (But not "I got nothing" says one board member.)
• Assign story ideas or topics ("That won't work for the Chair or for Aggie" notes the secretary as the Oppositional Defiance issue is recalled.)
• Conduct a Motivational Therapy Session by bringing in a speaker like Tony Robbins ("Or what about XUP?" asks a member who needs no motivation.)
• Rewards and Consequences (or Carrots and Sticks) ("With this crowd? Are you kidding?")
  

3. Focused Comments

Listings: Are any ESIs following the real estate market? How about a weekly Ottawa's worst listing?

Conch Shell:

• We would like to know about the occasional weird thing going on in the celebrity world.
• We would also like an occasional update on your fellow maritime creatures. Especially news about cute or famous maritime creatures.

Agatha:

• All you need to do is ask those piercing questions that come to you.
• We debated asking for more stories of shagscapades, but recalled that they seem to come naturally, all on their own.

Chair:

• There's more to life than watching movies.
• Posts can be short.

Independent Observer:

• The editorial board is happy with your frequency.
• We like that crazy still works for you.

Audrey:

• Just because you're not in the sidebar and don't have a day doesn't mean we don't expect more contributions from you.

Woodsy:

• No need to escalate things with Tank Top Tuesday. As you were advised by 7th Heathen, imaginations will fill in the details.
• However, if you switch days with someone, make sure that person knows they are expected to do a Tank Top Tuesday posting.

Coyote:

• Keep up the good work.
  
• Attending an ESI meeting with female guests, or attending a bloggers' brunch that single female bloggers are attending does not place you under an obligation to date any of those women.

Fourth Dwarf:

• No need for specific instructions for you because it is obvious by your posting the minutes that you found yourself at the Spontaneous Meeting of the Editorial Board.
  

When Bloggers Collide or Secret Identities Often Aren't

Do any of you remember years and years ago when the Atlantic published monthly stories about famous people meeting each other for the first time? Last week, Mae Callen met Hella Stella:

HS: "Hi, nice to meet you too. I love your blog. I read it all the time"

MC: "oh, I ah, didn't realize people actually did, wow, oh thanks, I didn't expect that"

HS: "yeah, and that vibrator (you know the one that gave you 8 orgasms in one night) yeah, I'm totally going to order one."

• Description from MC
• HS Explains