Tank Top Tuesday

Star bellied...

Hand Kissing

Last Spring, I was kissed on the hand by three different men - a family friend, a taxi driver, and the doorman at a tavern all within a week of each other.

I was surprised by these unsolicited kisses, and I wondered if hand kissing was back in style. Why had no-one warned me?

I mentioned these incidents to the Word Wizard, who seems to know something about every topic. He quickly responded with questions, "Did you offer your hand to be kissed? Did they touch their lips to your hand?"

No, I had not offered my hand to be kissed, and in all three instances I was tricked into receiving the kiss. And, yes, all three had touched their slobbery lips to the back of my hand.

I have since become a little wiser about hand-kissing, and so, gentlemen, if you want to kiss my tiny tender nymph hand

• I must be the one who initiates the gesture by offering you my hand palm down;
• I must know you;
• You must be of equal or higher mythological standing than I am;
• You must slip your fingers under the palm of my hand and gently rest your thumb on my knuckles;
  
• You may either quietly air kiss the back of my proffered hand, or kiss your thumb;
• You must kneel at my feet as you kiss my hand to show that you are in awe of my charms, and
• be forewarned that, according to W.J. Bethancourt III, should you offer an unsolicited kiss I am in my right to eviscerate you on the spot!

6 Ottawa places I don't miss

While I've still got a few minutes left in my posting day, I thought I'd get in on the nostalgia kick with my list.

1. Le Metro - moved from Elgin to Somerset, then closed. If you like snobby waiters bringing you small portions of mediocre food, you may miss the place.
2. The "convenience" store at Bay and Lisgar where the old lady who was always there would malevolently stare at you until you walked out.
3. Café Henri Burger - Maybe if George Radwanski had taken me there for lunch once or twice I'd miss the joint. And maybe if George hadn't been nailed for expense account shenanigans, Café Henri Burger would still be open.
4. The Hull Strip - I do not miss Ontario bars closing at 1am, then going to Hull, then waiting in line to get into some incredibly loud place where you couldn't talk to anyone and then taking forever to get back to Ottawa so you could finally get some sleep.
5. Big Bud's - Sorry, nostalgia nuts, the Dollar-It that replaced it is cleaner, friendlier and cheaper.
   
6. Fuliwah's was not a bad Chinese Restaurant, but the Chu Shing people make tastier food and probably the best dim sum in Ottawa.
   
   
   

Are the MPs Wearing their Tin Foil Hats?

I worry that our MPs and Cabinet Ministers are not wearing their tin foil hats. I was reading a back issue of Hansard's on the bus yesterday when I discovered that some of our opposition members are not wearing them.

As any longtime reader of this blog knows, tin foil hats are necessary to prevent mind control through electro-magnetic rays. (Please keep in mind that while we say "tin foil", aluminum foil is most commonly used, but any electricity conducting metal will do.)

While the copper roofs on the Parliament Buildings should go a long way to preventing a need for foil hats, it is still alarming to thing that our leaders may be vulnerable to mind control.

How do we know that some are not wearing their caps? They as much as say so:

For example, on 26 Sept 2006, Liberal MP Wayne Easter asked about a campaign to undermine the Canadian Wheat Board "using fake letters, manipulating the media, stacked government task forces and circumventing the laws of Canada."

Replying for the government, Chuck Strahl, Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, revealed that Easter was not wearing a protective cap:

Mr. Speaker, I am surprised the member could say that without wearing his tinfoil hat on a grassy knoll.

On 22 Feb 2007, Minister Strahl reports that MP Easter is once again not wearing his cap after a question about ballots:

Mr. Speaker, I think that the hon. member has his tinfoil cap well removed today.

But was the Hon. Chuck Strahl wearing his tinfoil cap? David Anderson, Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister for the Canadian Wheat Board, confirmed not only that he was, but that he had additional facial coverage:

If members take the time to read the motion, they will see that the minister the other day referred to him through his tinfoil hat.

Almost as bad as not wearing a tinfoil hat is wearing one that does not fit properly. This appeared to be the case on 26 Feb 2008 with some NDP members as pointed out by Peter MacKay after a question from NDP member Libby Davies about a secret agreement with the U.S. Armed Forces:

It sounds to me as if those tinfoil hats are getting a little tight down there.

This problem had spread to the Liberals by 11 March. After a question from Liberal Mark Holland about the possibility of Ministerial involvement in the decision by the OPP to not forward an investigation file on possible conversations between Mayor Larry and John Baird to the RCMP. The Hon. Jason Kenney, Secretary of State for Multiculturalism and Canadian Identity, alerts the Speaker of the House to the danger:

Mr. Speaker, we see the tinfoil hats getting a little tight again over there.

Have you spotted the consistent pattern? Liberals and NDP members either not wearing their foil caps or wearing them improperly. Meanwhile, the Conservative members of the New Government (Can we call them the Old Government yet?) were wearing their tinfoil caps and doing their best to draw attention of the opposition members who were leaving themselves open to mind-control.

Perhaps you are wondering if the Conservatives continue to prudently wear their tinfoil caps during the campaign season. I believe they do, or that at least one local Tory does.

Last week, Avaaz.org released ads attacking the Conservative position on the environment. While Avaaz claimed they had raised funds for these ads in Canada from their 300,000 members, and that they had cleared the ads with Elections Canada, John Baird was not fooled.

He smelled something wrong. Or more specifically, he smelled billionaire mystery man George Soros behind it all and sent out a press release titled: “SHADOWY FOREIGN ORGANIZATION ATTEMPTING TO INFLUENCE CANADIAN ELECTION” This may alarm you, but I urge you to relax because:

1. Baird has made a formal complaint so we can be sure that any nefariosity will be dealt with;
   
2. We can't expect all the billionaires to support the Tories; and
   
3. Baird and the other Tory candidates must be wearing their foil caps or they would have been led astray by the mind control rays.
   

Attention Sorosophobes/philes: We’ve hit the big time, y’all by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 11:48 am

Avaaz.ca vs. Baird: The Shadowy Foreign Organization strikes back! by Kady O'Malley October 6th, 2008 at 5:26 pm

How To:

• Tin Foil Hats - for the discriminating

• Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie

• Instructables: Aluminum foil hat

• How to Make a Tin Foil Hat for Your Dog

More Reminiscences for Things in the Past

Following Aggie's and the IO's reminiscences, here are some other things I miss. Although, I am aware that Thomas Wolfe's statement, "you can't go home again," mostly holds true here:

1. Doing my undergrad degree -- all those optional attendance classes. The beauty of all the young, hopeful and enthusiastic people around me. Those earnest and confident discussions. The larger societal acceptance. Never having to be anywhere before 11:30 a.m. The 15-hour a week "full time!" school load. Whipping off mediocre term papers and cramming. Being high.

2. Travelling before cellphones and email existed. The emotional freedom of movement.

3. A time when I told myself that earning money, necessary yet trivial, was something I would do in my future.

4. A time when I didn't worry about my or our future.

5. No fifth thing, but a note to the Chair: I'm a day late. Chair, feel welcome to post.