Fringe Festival

The latest polls seem to be pointing to the return of the Conservatives to government, the only debate being whether they get a majority or a minority. So unless you are in a swing riding, your vote is pretty much useless at this point.

But all is not lost. The fringe candidates could use your support. Getting 10% of the vote helps them in getting a refund on their expenses. And remember: there was a time when the Green Party was considered fringe in this land. Here is the field of local fringe candidates:

Ottawa Centre

John Andrew Akpata (Marijuana Party)

This isn’t John’s first run for the job of Ottawa-Centre MP. He got 387 votes in the last election. In 2004, he got 495 votes when he ran in Ottawa South. It’s clear that John needs to move his campaign further south (not north) to where the grow-ops constituency can give him a bigger mandate. Dave’s not here, man.

Pierre Soublière (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

Ottawa-Centre is one of the few ridings that consistently fields a Communist candidate in an election. Their official name is the Communist Party of Canada (Marxist-Leninist) and it should not be confused with the Communist Party of Canada which has also fielded candidates in Ottawa-Centre in the past. For me, this has led to considerable choice confusion as to which brand of communism I should support. Sadly, such confusion has invariably led to splitting the Commie vote in the riding. According to wiki, the party membership seems to be active with postal workers which probably explains the Kim Jong-il commemorative stamp coming out next month.

Ottawa-Vanier

Christian Legeais (Marxist-Leninist Party of Canada)

According to Christian Legeais, the MLPC stands for sovereignty, the affirmation of rights and democratic renewal. It opposes the restructuring of the state to facilitate annexation to the U.S., monopoly right, fascism and war. Christian is recognized for his work in the defence of the rights of all and his opposition to the U.S. "war on terror" and the occupation of Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and Haiti. I once dated a woman with the same profile. She was also a bit of a pill.

Michel St-Onge (Canadian Action Party)

Where were you when the planes hit the twin-towers? The Canadian Action Party wants to know. And they want the Government to investigate why you were so conspicuously absent from lower Manhattan that day. Where were you? Tell us. Who called you? Michel claims to have grown up with an older sister and had what some would call a “normal” childhood (his quotes). I thought I grew up with a “normal” childhood. My close friends tell me otherwise.

Robert Taylor-Larter (Independent)

I’ll leave it to our colleague here to explain Mr. Taylor-Larter’s background. All I can add is that there is very little on the web about this guy, which has me worried. I’m hoping that at one of the all-candidates meetings, Michel can cross-examine Robert on his whereabouts on September 11, 2001, and he better have a good alibi.

Ottawa West – Nepean

Alex McDonald (Communist Party of Canada)

Alex works as a taxi driver in a small community near Ottawa. He’s the only candidate for the Communist Party of Canada in the Ottawa region. The leader of the party is Miguel Figueroa. Too bad the Communists don’t have a prayer’s chance of winning. Prime Minister Miguel Figueroa has a nice resonance to it. Canadians need to shed that white bread, Fred MacMurray image. You know a guy named Miguel wouldn't be caught dead in a cardigan.

David Page (Independent)

The Ottawa Sun’s Ron Corbett met up with Page recently.

Page certainly has credentials: MA, M.Ed. MBA, and a recently acquired law degree. He has three promises that can be found on his MySpace page:

To faithfully represent the interests of my constituents and to help them with their dealings with the federal government

To represent the interests of the citizens of Ottawa to the federal government and to cooperate with other members of Parliament from the Ottawa area, and;

To do everything in my power to help address the clear and present dangers posed by global warming.

It all sounds too earnest for a politician. Cooperation with other members of Parliament? That isn’t going to get you any sound bites from Question Period.

Ottawa-South

Jean-Serge Brisson (Libertarian Party of Canada)

Jean-Serge “the Rad Man” Brisson is running for the Libertarian Party of Canada in Ottawa South. He claims to have been inspired to join the Libertarians after the introduction of compulsory metrification in Canada in the early 1980s. The Libertarians have a fairly straightforward platform: get rid of Government except for basic civil protection issues. Brisson claims to have never collected the federal Goods and Services Tax (GST) for his radiator repair business as he refuses to recognize the Government’s imposition of it.That’s rad, man!

Al Gullon (Progressive Canadian Party)

The PC Party still exists - sort of. Elections Canada forced the rebels that refused to merge with the Reformers to find a new party name. Its leader is Sinclair Stevens. They think Harper is in cahoots with the Bloc to bust up Canada. They’re probably right. But I mean, really, Sinclair Stevens? It’s so 1980s. I really can’t go back. Rugger pants. Leather ties. Men Without Hats. I can’t.

Stormont-Dundas

Dwight Dugas (Canadian Action Party)

In his own words:

Shortly after being tear gassed and shot at with "non-lethal" weapons, I contacted CAP to register as a candidate in the next federal election. Not long after I received a phone call from Connie Fogal and was accepted as the candidate for S.D & SG.

I’m all for democratic processes, but I think the initiation rights for the Canadian Action Party are a little extreme.

Howard Galganov (Independent)

According to his website, we live in a topsy-turvy world and Howard is going to help us cut through the fog. Some of that fog has to do with Canada’s bilingualism policies. Howard also doesn’t believe in reasonable accommodation. Come to my country and become like us. Don’t expect us to become like you.

If Aboriginal/First-Nations people had the same attitude a few hundred years ago, I guess I’d be living in a tee-pee and speaking Cree. But what form of Cree would be the official languages? Central? Plains? Eastern Algonquian? You see, Howard, no matter what, we’re going to have a language debate in this country.

Porn and Sex and Blog Popularity in Ottawa

Tonight I was with some friends and we discussed the pornographic nature of some television shows. For instance, it was argued that werewolf porn is really just a kink for the fluffies, who are apparently some kind of cuddly fetish group -- and possibly sometimes inclined to disguise as werewolves. This naturally brought us to further discussions about the secrets of getting an Ottawa readership for one's blog. This then brought us to talk about the ESI blog and its appreciated but rather stagnant readership. To grow, it was thought that we ESIs needed to be personal. However, our readers will know that this is something the ESI community completely avoids (so, therefore, beyond our ability). Realizing this, the next suggestion was that we needed to be sexual, especially in an Ottawa context. That was the word for the evening.

Well, the discussion came around to the the core issue: How to get readership when you are a group of people without a single voice for readers to follow, not into revealing personal details, not independently famous, and not interested in working too hard to achieve it? Really, to me, given that we can't discuss our personal lives with any real gore, it's clear that discussing or engaging in public sex is beyond us. So, anyone have some suggestions about how to increase readership other than producing pornography or becoming personal?

NSFW*: ESI Corset Friday

Okay, the election does not engage us. Or, apparently, anybody except campaigning politicians. So far it manifests all the charisma of the Tory blue lint on the PM's "for advertising purposes only" sweater vest - which manifests rather more charisma than the PM. What to post, what to post?

A number of us this week have been riffin' on the redoubtable, antipodal NurseMyra's gig. Her weekly Corset Friday postings are kind of a big deal in certain circles. It's a bit complicated to explain, but they seem to cheer up the inmates patients at Gimcrack Hospital, where she works.

Apparently somebody has been riffing much longer. Harmony commented yesterday that some unnamed vandal had used their Mad Photo Editing Skillz to add an item of intimate apparel to my sidebar icon. So I braced the Short Guy. He said, nonchalantly, that he'd put it there weeks ago.

Weeks? Weeks?! I draw two ummm, three lessons from this:

• First, Dear Reader, keep your eyes on all parts of this blog at all times: ya can't keep up to it without a program. Even, apparently, when you're an Irregular.
• Second, if you Photoshop a coyote's photo, you will be repaid in kind...
• Third, and just in: it seems that tagging an image with "crossdressing dwarf" is a recipe for instant search engine megahits. Who knew?

* Not Safe For Work. But you knew that already...

Thong Thursday

I was going to make Thursday, Thong Thursday. However, given the gravity of the current economic situation, I must shift my focus to non-arse matters. I'm ignoring the election here up north. Not because I think it's boring ( even though it is). But because the Harper majority possibility scares me into a blah-blah-blah-I'm-not-listening kind of state. So, let's shift the focus south. Not that it is less scarey.
McCain has suspended campaigning because......he thinks he can singlehandedly save the economy right before the election? Or, is it because (here's the conspiracy theory) Bush is planning to cancel the election because ......how can they have an election when the "entire economy is in danger"? And watch for another terrorist attack while you're at it.
Apart from all this, the weather has been nice, eh? Warm enough to wear a thong.

Cabinet secrets indeed...

Can the election get any more boring? The eye-glazing ennui sent me scurrying to the observatory library to dig up these little-known but fascinating facts about Canadian politics:

1. Historians believe William Lyon Mackenzie King wrote a final but now lost volume of his famous diaries. Known cryptically among scholars as "Tranche 21," it has never surfaced. But King did mention the volume in at least two letters penned shortly before his death. In one of these missives, King suggests he fabricated stories in the earlier volumes about séances and conversations with his dog to dispel the notion he was tremendously dull.

2. Sir John A. Macdonald's fondness of drink is well documented. But his true weakness was pie. During whistle-stop campaign tours, Macdonald insisted that a fresh-baked pastry -- preferably blueberry or strawberry -- be waiting on the train platform, to be lustily consumed immediately after his public addresses. He even travelled with a personal pastry chef. During the 1891 campaign, the chef fell ill in northern Ontario. Party minions were left scrambling to ensure a suitable pie was ready for the stop in Kenora, Ont., and sent frantic telegraph messages to the kitchen at Rideau Hall in Ottawa for advice. Nervous aides feared the crust would be too soggy or, even worse, too flaky, sending Sir John A. into another of his drunken tirades.

3. In the late 19th century, men in sparsely populated western Canada were allowed as many as three votes: one for themselves, and up to two others for their livestock -- either two head of cattle, or one cow and one sheep. Several years later, women got the vote.

4. The Green Party's campaign signs are completely edible. Coming in three flavours -- mango, pomegranate and rhubarb -- each certified-organic sign contains more protein than the average veggie burger.

5. All of Environment Minister John Baird's toupées are hand-woven from imported chinchilla fur. A special order-in-council was signed last year to allow a dozen of the Andean rodents, which face extinction, to be quietly brought into Canada. They are raised at a secret location in Baird's Ottawa riding.

Images: Sir John A.: Politics, Polls and Pastry, Nofifththing Press, 1976; Cows: www.rampantgames.com/