Wednesday

The Great Pretender

Hey everyone. Let’s go clubbing! Seal clubbing, that is. As most Canadians don’t know, this marks the start of the annual seal cull. Europeans seem to be more aware of this Canadian tradition than us. If you didn’t catch it, former Pretenders uber-babe Chrissie Hynde waded into the protest with an online piece in the Globe and Mail.

I loved the Pretenders. And Chrissie Hynde was the best thing in tight leather pants in 1980’s. My grand-father clubbed seals to make a living and provide for his family in an isolated out-port on the east coast. But my grandpa was also a sucker for a pretty face from what I remember. Too bad he isn’t around to see the latest celebrity to come to the rescue.

If Ms. Hynde had been around in his heyday and showed up in those tight pants and asked him to stop clubbing those cute little harp seals, he probably would’ve obliged. That’s just the way grandpa was when it came to requests from certain hotties.

Tuesday

Emergency Meeting: Monday, April 2

Called by: Eigga
Venue: The Usual Spot
Present: The Independent Observer, Eigga, Coyote, Fourth Dwarf, The Chair, Conch Shell
Guest: Painted Stick
Food: Soup, Burger
Beverages: Beer, Coke, {redacted}
Major Topics Discussed: New directions for the blog, Post-traumatic unbloggability, A special project
Major Topics Neglected: Shortlist of names for new Rideau Canal pedestrian bridge
Overall: A dreary start to the meeting, but then candid and vigorous exchanges about sex
Minutes by: The IO

Discussion ensues as to whether the meeting should a. even be taking place b. be moved to a different venue.

There is much intermittent debate about whether the blog should take on a new direction.

The Chair: This blog is always trying to find a new direction!

Dissection of gathering Saturday at a different venue where The Chair, in the company of his mother and Fourth Dwarf, witnesses a disturbing incident. The same evening, a barfly hits on his mother, which he finds only mildly disconcerting.

4D chides The Chair for not blogging the episode.

I was too traumatized! The Chair insists. Besides, he adds, I can't blog when I'm hanging with {redacted}.

How are the readership numbers? The blog is drawing 35 visitors a day, says The Chair.

Someone notes that we probably collectively account for the 35 daily hits.

No, says The Chair, these are visits by people other than the ESIs and their virtual posse.

Dwarf notes that a certain local blogger, {redacted}, is doing much better.

An eyebrow or two arch upwards.

Coyote raises the question of SRW tags.

Dwarf: I don't even know what you're talking about.

It turns out SRW stands for Self-referential wanking.

Ideas to help the blog: More revealing titles, more frequent posts, swapping of posting days.

Conch Shell's absence is noted. The IO says the attendance of CS and PS is a 51 to 49 per cent possibility. The Chair puts the possibility at 10 per cent. Fourth Dwarf pegs it at zero.

Conch Shell and Painted Stick arrive.

Other ideas to help the blog: Animated profiles of the ESIs a la Rocket Robin Hood, more sex, theme weeks, adhering to the one-screen rule, sensitively metablogging the {redacted} who is about to begin a blog.

Digressions:

(*) It is observed that tambourines make good tip bowls.

(*) Fourth Dwarf, whose employment prospects appear uncertain, announces he is investigating the colour of his parachute.

(*) Eigga asks about a previous gathering, and whether anyone picked up a vibe that {redacted} was {redacted} the {redacted} woman.

CS: Yes

4D: He was trying to work his mojo.

CS: Do {redacted} people tend to just naturally put their arms around one another?

There is no consensus.

(*) There is, however, agreement that holding the Junos in Saskatchewan was a grave mistake.

(*) PS asks to be completely redacted. His request is denied.

It is decided there will be ESI Theme Weeks, each with the prefix Dysfunctional. For instance, Dysfunctional Ottawa Culture Week.

There is subsequently much talk of a special ESI project, which raises the following questions:

(*) Do we need a lawyer?

(*) Should it be a {redacted} or a {redacted}?

(*) When should we tell {redacted}?

(*) Should the project simply focus on CB Radio culture?

Additional digressions:

(*) Each of the ESIs should have MySpace and Facebook pages.

(*) The new gmail sign-in procedure is a major pain.

Final thoughts on the special project:

(*) Should Will Ferrell be involved? Scarlett Johansson? Colin Firth?

(*) Agreed: First, we need a {redacted}.

Monday

PuBlog Research: Canadian Museum of Civilization

Fieldwork by Agatha, Coyote, and the Independent Observer, April 1, 2007:

Pluses (Concepts to Steal)
  • Fast cafeteria-style service and nice wrought iron tables beside a glass curtain wall facing pleasingly scenic bits of downdown Hull;
  • Handy to a highly eclectic gift shop with a $6.99 price-point fetish;
  • Handy to the capital city's combined IMAX/OmniMAX theatre;
  • Handy to the children's museum (you may have figured out by now that this wasn't that other, larger cafeteria with the great view of the Ottawa River, but the satellite kiosk on the main floor);
  • One hot dog spinning round and round and round on the electric rotisserie. (Call me weird. This appealed to me as a piece of conceptual art.)

Minuses (Things to Avoid)

  • Shocking lack of booze;
  • Nachos sport an un-nachoral orange sauce apparently composed of nuclear waste, salt, semi-liquid "process cheese food" and unknown quantities of food dye;
  • Taking its cue from its proximity to a movie theatre, the kiosk obviously ripped its prices and menu straight from Cineplex Odious' playbook. A large popcorn ran to pretty much the better part of 10 bucks. (Let's not even get started on the popcorn/drink combos);
  • A preponderance of wailing children (see above) As worthy and educational as museums and IMAXes are for young minds, many of 'em just wanted to get the f*ck outta there... "Right F*cking NOW, Parental Units!"
  • One hot dog spinning round and round and round on the electric rotisserie.

Summary: Healthy food choices were in short supply, and soothing libations were non-existent. I do not count fizzy cola drinks as 'soothing', no matter what ad writers may try to impose upon my world view. The IMAX theatre was a nice touch. We all enjoyed Deep Sea - celebrity narration by Johnny Depp and Kate Winslett, creative munching, crunching, smacking and slurping noises dubbed into the Danny Elfman score, as strange marine creatures consumed even stranger ones with gusto. Also, realistic seasicky sensations, due to the extra-large-screen movie format. Let it be noted that Aggie mentioned Gravol, and that we reeled with vertigo when we exited. If we plan to serve food and drink for money, this may not be optimum. Then again, it might've been those radioactive orange nachos...

Sunday

Begging for Metablogging

I've been trying not to metablog both Jo Stockton and Asteroidea, but with Jo Stockton's announcement that she is moving into the apartment next to Asteroidea's, [the announcement], I've just got to ask, is this where they jump the shark? or will it become a whole new level for us to appreciate?

Jo has compared it to Mary Tyler Moore, but that analogy fails because the show started with them being in the same building, and when Rhoda was well enough established, Rhoda moved away to her own show.

This is more like Mary Tyler Moore moving in to an apartment building with Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett. (If Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett were people who told you about their first orgasms.)

Also, Mary Tyler Moore didn't have bats.

Thursday

Causes Conch Shell Might Donate to This Week

Pine Forest Cheerleading Camp - "the camp where the Booty Drop was born"

Wildlife Preservation Canada - working to save the Piping Plover, Swift Fox, Burrowing Owl and Spiny Softshell Turtle.

Spring Cleaning the Capital - Clean up public property or an area in your neighbourhood to help keep Ottawa clean, green and litter-free.

The Ingmar Bergman Foundation - to administer, preserve and provide information about Ingmar Bergman’s collected artistic works.

The Hank Williams Appreciation Society - Celebrating nine years on the internet please...

Dental Clinic for the Homeless - Extractions, fillings, cleaning, restorative, root canals. All of it.

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