Gym Teachers Named Diane from Nunavut Need Apply

Some people look to the election as an important milestone for Canadians to take stock of their democracy and possibly set a new course for the future. For others it’s a time to possibly apply for a new job. In fact, in the last election 1,356 citizens applied for the job of Member of Parliament. And why not? It pays $155K a year, and if you can get re-elected two more times, you get a pretty healthy pension. And getting re-elected may not be as hard as you think – about 85% chances, if you look at the recent past. That’s why 278 incumbent members re-applied for the job. You’ve got until Monday at 2 p.m. to throw your hat into the race.

But how can one possibly win, you ask? Here is some advice to help you:

Run for the Conservatives in Alberta

With the last election, the Conservatives booted out the last-standing Liberal in Alberta (“Landslide” Annie McLellan) and took all 28 seats in the province. She lost, even though she got over 38% of the vote in her Edmonton riding. Your big challenge in getting on the Conservative ticket in Alberta is winning over your riding association.

Run in a small riding where only a few people vote

The average winning MP had to get about 23,000 votes in order to be invited to sit in Ottawa. That said, if you were lucky enough to run in a small riding, like Nunavut's Nancy Karatek-Lindell, all you needed was 3,673 votes to get the job. Hell, that’s hardly more votes than one needs to win student council president. And you get to represent a territory almost four times larger than France.

Have the right job to start with

Many people think being a lawyer is your ticket to political life. Of the 86 lawyers that ran in the last election only 21 got elected. That’s almost 25%, which isn’t too shabby, but not a sure thing. Other jobs with better election odds one might consider as a prelude to public office include:

Occupation / Odds of Winning / Examples

Car Dealership owner / 100% / Dave Van Kesteren
Gym teacher / 100% / John-Yves Laforest
Chiropractor / 50% / Jim Lunney, Ruby Dhalla
Clergyman/ 50% / Bill Blaikie
Cook / 50% / Catherine Bell

Name Brand

I remember once hearing John Diefenbaker speak to reporters in the late 1970’s about governance in Canada. At one point he sarcastically said that “you can’t let any Joe run the country.” Of course, Joe Clark was the sitting PM at the time, making the statement all the funnier, but if a guy named Barack thinks he can win the Presidency, then surely names don’t make a difference in politics? Here’s our take on the results for a few common names:

First name / Number of Candidates / Number of winning candidates (%)

Dave or David / 53 / 9 (16%)
Mike or Micheal / 50 / 8 (16%)
John / 45 / 8 (18%)
Jim or James / 30 / 10 (33%)
Joe or Joseph / 12 / 6 (50%)
Diane / 7 / 4 (57%)
Bev or Beverly / 8 / 2 (25%)

Tribute to the Owner of Elgin Street Video

The Elgin Street Video Store is my favourite video store in the city. It's filled with rather high-end choices of movies and TV series, and the store itself is one large tribute to Hollywood, complete with artifacts and momentos from movies over the past 50 years. The place is part museum, part video store, and one is always in good hands there when seeking advice on movie rental pics. Today there is a sign on the door explaining that the store is closed until further notice due to the sudden death of the owner, Bill Kinsman, age 60.

My condolences to his family and friends. Elgin Street will miss him.

Breaking News!

Woodsy said...Would Woodsy posting a bosom picture (à la Nursemyra) showing off the special pirate top she wore today in honour of Talk Like a Pirate Day be considered "breaking news"?

Harmony said...
Probably not, Woods. But it would be a rum jury rig to distract the mangy cur Coyote from dominating that niche so much!

Unnatural (S)election '08: I got nuthin'

Yeah, yeah, I know. You've come to rely on me for the kind of incisive and perspicacious insider political analysis that you can't find anywhere else. And this is my day to post. But dizzy and reeling from all of the hurricane-force spin doctoring happening north and south of the border this week, I am in exactly the same boat as everybody else. I began this election feeling disengaged and pissed about having to go through with it. Now, I just wanna hide in my burrow, clamp my eyes shut, and wrap my paws over my ears until it's over...

Yet I persist. I don't know why. We coyotes are not generally known for our masochism. But be warned. I have no incisive and perspicacious insider political analysis this week - only dumbass questions.

To whit: "When did the strain of watching two elections at the same time finally sink my finely honed, impartially cynical loathing of all politicians into abysmally deep new submarine trenches a la The Vendetta?"

And: "Why does Sarah Palin remind me so much of Tracy Flick, and why doesn't anybody else seem to have noticed?"

And this one, after rereading posts in which my pierced, pottymouthed, and also perspicacious counterpart from the BC interior, Other Coyote, called the current government The Cons: "Does this make Stephen Harper a Con Troll Freak...?"

There is no fifth thing. And no fourth, for that matter. I'm not interested enough.

Photo: Wikipedia Commons

Talk Like a Pirate, Y'Scurvy Dog!

Being the nineteenth day of September tis Talk Like a Pirate Day and I, yer faithful Fourth Dwarf, be here to help ye master the lingo.

As ye'll likely not be sailin' off fer adventure and treasure, but sitting in yer government or corporate meeting chamber, here be the proper piratical way of expressin' yer lubberly thoughts.

Landlubber Talk	Shipshape Pirate Talk
We have achieved a positive outcome	We’re bung up and bilge free
We have gained a market advantage over the competition	We’ve sailed to windward and taken their weather guage
Perform a post-project evaluation	Tally up the butcher's bill
Dialogue with a stakeholder	Chew the fat with chummy
We will meet this afternoon	Ye’ll see me when the sun be over the yardarm
A good candidate for senior management	A right smart upper yardman
Recruit new human resources	Pressgang a new crew
We must increase our efforts	We’d best put some wind behind our sails
Acting contrary to the direction of the chief executive	Crossing the bow of the old man
Insufficiently prepared for an unforeseen contingency	There’s the devil to pay and no pitch hot
We shall now adjourn	Hoist the Blue Peter and weigh anchor
Several staff members are asking policy questions	We’ve a few sea lawyers among the hands
Intervene in a consultation without an invitation	Shove an oar in
Reduce quality to increase quantity	Water the grog
An effective temporary measure	A rum jury rig
Cost recovery	Flogging the booty
Reduce overhead to enhance efficiency	Jettison the supercargo
Our initiative failed to meet its planned targets	We were right scuppered
Assert our brand identity	Hoist the Jolly Roger!