What's been going on...

While some of us have been going to fancy dinners, lounging about with personal trainers or sniffing out recipes from the Trilateral Commission, I've been investigating a series of events that affect us all personally. Through careful research, long hours, sleepless nights, and some activities that might skirt the fringes of the law, I have learned of a nefarious plot against us.

I believe I've gotten to the bottom of the whole scheme and to save time in explaining how all the evidence fits together, I've prepared a visual aid that explains it all.

Click on the image to see my new animated featurette.

The Legendary BilderBurger

We in Ottawa have heard [too] much this weekend about the Bilderberg Conference, just now wrapping up in beautiful west end Kanata. There seem to be two commentator camps: one that shrilly suspects high conspiracy, and another that (equally) shrilly pokes slaggish humour at conspiracy junkies. [see Earl McRae of the Ottawa Stun and some anonymously-puerile Petfinder editorialist demonstrating way too much conversance with wacko conspiracy theories to be anything less than suspect. (Step on up, either John Robson or Scott Anderson....)]

Actual Bilderbergers, famously, say nothing about what they actually do behind their famously closed doors. But as the Independent Observer said to me not too long ago, it's gotta be something -- they've been coming back at it since 1954, fer cripe's sake. And Top-Sekrit bunfests drawing assorted heads of state, billionaires, media moguls, oil barons, high-tech elflords, chairmen of the also-shadowy Trilateral Commission, et cetera, do kinda prompt one to ask what the attraction might be. I mean, these are guys who know better than any mere mortal that time is money. And the golf course was rained out all weekend...

Nevertheless, your humble, hairy correspondent believes he and the IO may have answers. One is that Bilderbergers, much like the Elgin Street Irregulars, are total wankers. With exponentially more money and power. What better way to say "Really, It's All About Us" than to hold a party and exclude everybody who doesn't know the Top Sekrit Handshake?

And what better way to say 'party' than to have the overpriced kitchen help sear a few burgers on the grill while everybody boogies like it's 1954 again, among the citronella-scented tiki torches? Which is what led your humble correspondent to the Brookstreet Hotel. Being a semimythical coyote, I was ignored by the thicknecked types clad in earpieces and cheap suits with suspicious bulges. Being a semimythical coyote, I also ignored them. Also the political discussions in the salon. I give not a rodent's rearmost for such things. I homed straight in on the kitchen, just followin' my pointy nose. And struck gold. Well, actually a garbage can, with a slightly smeared and aromatic recipe card.

Dare I say this is what keeps bringing 'em back?

The Legendary BilderBurger

1 lb -- minced AAA filet mignon, formed into a patty, and seared to blushing medium rare over select endangered rainforest hardwood charcoals.

Place on a President's Choice Gigantico (white bread) poppy seed bun, spread with with garlic aeoli spiked liberally The Macallan 25-year old single malt scotch whisky.

Garnish with:
1.75 oz. Beluga Malossol 000 Black Sea Caviar;
2 oz. black and white shaved French truffles, (none of that upstart Asian crap...)
a soupçon of dijon mustard,
hydroponic tomato,
pickle slices
fresh-ground black pepper to taste.

Serve with:
Fresh-cut fries and a side salad of assorted rare in-season (somewhere in the world) melon balls tossed with castor sugar and Pinar del Rio Gautier cognac, served in iced crystal.

Suggested beverage: Krug Clos du Mesnil Champagne, chilled.

What's it like? Who the hell knows? I only smelled the sucker. But is not wretched excess almost always tasteful...?

Personal Trainer Update 2: Caught in a Lie

Olga caught me in a lie. When she asked me in our last session how far my home was from my workplace, I told her it was a 20-minute bike ride. It is really only a
10-minute bike ride. I didn't realize that Olga had access to my personal information, including my home address. She started off today's session by peering down her glasses at me and saying, "I see you live only 10 minutes away from your work." I blushed, realizing that I had been caught in a lie. Then, I started babbling and stuttering about how I had done my homework: my bike was tuned up; my coffee was all set up; my gym bag was nearly ready to go... I added that I had taken a very long walk with Conch Shell. She said, "You seem really proud of yourself." I told her that I felt I was following the plan quite successfully. She said, "Your homework this week is to bike home the long way -- and I mean the long way. I nodded. Then, I said, "I think it would be good if I kept a little notebook of all this." She laughed and said, "You seem to like notebooks, and these kinds of things, don't you?... Sure keep a notebook, why not?" The next time I see Olga is after the July 1st long weekend. This is when she wants to see real progress.

ESI's in therapy

4D's meeting minutes made me realize that our ESI's are in need of some emergency therapy on one another in this blog AND asking for it.

Just as a starter, I'm concerned about Aggie's violent tendencies -- and the Chair's closed emotions. Let's start with those two problems. So, why would Aggie get violent? Hours and hours of arguing leading to a clock being thrown . . . Is this reasonable anger, or does this show that deep down Aggie could turn murderous, given the right provocation?

I wonder if her years of being "too nice" have created an evil alter-ego that should remain emotionally shackled except for in controlled environments. Perhaps, at the next ESI meeting, someone should bring a pillow and urge Aggie to punch it while she yells.

Next -- the Chair referred to his emotional distance issues. No doubt, he was "joking" in the meeting -- but -- we know how many of us use humour to relay the truth in a less threatening way. Maybe the Chair should be banned from humour for a while? Maybe then his emotions will get closer to his heart instead of his mind?

Ad hoq Meeting Minutes

Special Theme: Commitment

ESIs Present: 4th Dwarf (scribe), Coyote, Agatha, Chair
Guests: Anonymous Woman, Grumpy Guy
ESIs with better things to do: Independent Observer, Conch Shell

Location: Not the usual place.

• Grumpy Guy (GG) asks how the metablog is going now that it’s back. “It’s a little uneven, but we’re finding our feet,” says Coyote. “Ah, ha, sophomore jinx!” says GG. 4D pulls out his notebook. “Write that down,” says Coyote.


• “So, are you a blogger?” GG asks Anonymous Woman (AW). “I used to be,” says AW, "now I only drop in on Coyote's Blog." The others are silent. Until the waitress arrives.


• Beverages are ordered. 4D orders water with his “coffee”.


• The beverages arrive. Coyote starts drinking 4D’s water. 4D takes this well but observes that one could go into a rant about how the server should bring everyone water when one person orders it. “I might have said that,” says GG, “but if I did, 4D would have said I’m always grumpy.” “That’s right,” says 4D, “I would have said that.”


• Agatha arrives, forcing the group to move inside to another table. Where we are surrounded by Roman Catholic images and iconography. We have brief fun swearing in French Canadian as there is a sculpture of Christ holding the “tabernacle” on a shelf behind Coyote.
  


• Our new server places a tall lit candle on the table. She has a remarkably brilliant set of tattoos on her right arm that provokes a lively discussion of tattoos when she leaves. The ESIs and guests all conclude that our commitment issues preclude the possibility of any of us ever getting a tattoo.


• When the server returns, Agatha compliments her tattoos and we receive a brief presentation. The tattoos, done by the gentlemen at five cents tattoos are flowers that represent herself and various women in her life. The flowers relate to the women’s astrological signs and birth months.


• The Chair arrives. AW asks why he didn’t reply to the invitation emails. “He doesn’t reply to these emails,” says 4D. “Not when I can’t commit,” says the Chair, “and I’ve been very busy.”


• The Chair starts to order a pilsner, but when the server is confused, chooses a lager instead. 4D observes this is good because a movie star on Letterman said that guys who order pilsner in Britain are “pussies”. The others ask which movie star. 4D strains his foggy memory and finally recalls it was Tom Hanks.


• A lively discussion ensues about Tom Hanks' new hairstyle. When this topic is exhausted (which took longer than the dwarf would have expected) we move onto the Da Vinci code. Coyote’s review of the movie: “Stupid, but great fun.”


• 4D wonders whether there are any hidden messages in the religious images around us. We discuss the source material for Dan Brown’s novel. The Chair announces he will be working on a new project “Da Vinci’s Postal Code” “It could be D3V 1L5,” suggests 4D.


• Over the evening, several conversations are sparked by the poster above the left urinal in the men’s room. “Viagra” it says on a large blue pill and “Talk to your doctor” on a line underneath. 4D suggests he would like to add some text to the sign but cannot think of anything worthwhile. Neither can the others.


• A conversation ensues about the use of Viagra. “The dick is very complex,” observes the Chair. All agree.


• AW decides to go chat with friends from her old home town of [redacted] at another table.


• GG announces he must leave to “take care of some things.”


• The ESIs notice that there are now only metabloggers at the table and begin to talk about the state of the metablog. “GG put his finger on the problem,” says Coyote. “What’s that?” asks the Chair. 4D consults his notes “Sophomore Jinx.”


• “Of course,” says the Chair. “We put everything we had into our first album and now we’ve got nothing for the second,” says Coyote.


• “How do we get through it?” asks the Chair. “We just push on through,” says the Dwarf, “we have to get through the bad stuff before we can get to the good stuff.”


• We discuss Agatha’s failed attempt to draw out the 5th Muse. All but Aggie believe that 5M is not blogging anywhere and not reading the ESIs.


• We discuss what other blogs we could metablog and conclude that we have not yet found a suitable replacement for the 5M. Qualities necessary for a replacement:

Literary merit (or readability);




Drama (or the kind of stuff people talk around a water cooler); and




An anonymous author who won’t be freaked out by us analyzing everything they write.

• Possibilities put forward but decided against:
  

Hannah Rockhead – well written, funny, but too infrequent, not enough ongoing character development




Naked Condo Guy – Vetoed by Aggie out of hand (having just checked him out to get the hyperlink, he just seems to be about naked pictures now anyway.)




Asteroidea Press and Matilda Zine – Highly readable, dramatic, but not anonymous.




Tap My Glass – Anonymous. But where’s the drama? And cleaning out a colon doesn’t count!

• The ESIs decide to continue looking.


• AW returns.


• The conversation moves on to the horrors of childhood road trips and our father’s reaching over the seat to attempt to whack us in the backseat. We determine that this is no longer done because parents no longer hit their children and DVD players and playstations mean that children on road trips are silent. AW shares horror stories of otherwise intelligent adults who are ruled by their children. Agatha contributes a story of a mother whose toddler picked up a pair of sharp scissors. “It makes me anxious when you pick up those scissors,” said the mother.


• “I’m glad I was raised to be the emotionally distant person that I am,” says the Chair.


• “I had a brief relationship with a man who was raised by therapists,” says Aggie.


• “That’s like a step away from being raised by wolves,” says the Chair.


• Aggie: He would say things like “but Agatha, I’m just honouring my feelings.” “Oh, yeah,” I’d say, “honour this!” {Agatha makes a gesture that uses only one finger of her right hand.} He was the most manipulative person I ever dated…. The only person I ever got violent with.


• Coyote: Violent?


• Aggie: Oh, yes. I hit him… stuff flew across the room… I tore a clock off the wall. It was two-thirty AM and I yelled “Do you know how long we’ve been fighting?”


• The evening winds down. The Chair returns from the mens room and reports that the gentleman using the urinal with the Viagra sign had failed to trigger the infrared sensor on the automatic flusher. “It was like he was a vampire or something. It gave me the willies.”


• “No pun intended,” says Agatha giving us the last line recorded by your faithful secretary.


• Someone notes how short the candle on the table now is and 4D takes a photo.