Robbed Again

The Rabid Posse is back at their dastardly tricks! This time, they have kept us off the prestigious Ottawa Xpress Best of Ottawa Readers Poll for best Ottawa blog!

Let's have a look at the nominees and I'll tell you what is wrong with them:

Dial 6-1-3_: It's a music blog. Do they have a cam in the sidebar column for music videos? No. In this post they said "no shows on Monday." The Xpress differs. And the Xpress doesn't even mention the music that's always on at that quaint little pub at Elgin and Frank. On top of that, they don't even mention Bjorn Again at the Casino tonight!

rob mclennan's blog: Of course they had to put that genius at self-promotion on this list, but really, a blog about poetry? More worthy than a blog about blogs?

The Blog of Amanda Earl: Yes, in a transparent attempt to be put on the ballot, she gives links to her erotic writing. But has she ever helped someone find the right mojomaster for their birthday? No.

Matilda: This Jennifer Whiteford is too good to be true. She writes well, is kind to everyone she comes across, loves children, is into indie rock. Even used to be in a band and likely will be again some day. I'd ask where is her edge,? but she hangs out with that sex fiend Megan Butcher. But has she ever posted a series of cartoons that create a comment thread that turns into an alien abduction theory? No.

Asteroidea Press: Speaking of sex fiend Megan Butcher, here she is on the award ballot. Yes, none of us has volunteered to have needles stuck into our tender flesh to gain readership for the blog, and Megan has us beat there. Perhaps IO or CS, this is what you could do to get back into our good graces. Still, Butcher has never created a game based on a blog.

David Scrimshaw's Blog: This pathetic lad may have something going with his groundbreaking series on binder clips. But reading his blog, you'd get the idea that he hasn't had a date since the late 80s.

Humanyms: This is one of those blogs that you have to follow for a while to understand what is going on. Not like our readily accessible blog.

John W. MacDonald's Weblog: This MacDonald is taking terrific portraits of Ottawa writers and artists. He's still getting out even though he's a new father. Admirable, yes. But his blog is so huge it loads forever and where's the RSS feed?

Through the Broken Viewfinder: Fine photos, an RSS feed, but does he have excellent advice on how to get along in a relationship? No.

OnVertigo: She takes amazing photos, and apparently she has big boobs and looks great in a short skirt. But if you've seen me in a kilt, you know I could say the same thing (aside from the photos).

Space to Live: Well, well. Look who is at the bottom of the ballot. Our old friend Lana. Yes, I've heard through the grape vine that she doesn't hate me. But answer this, how does someone who hasn't posted since September 30, and whose blog has only 15 postings wind up on the ballot when we're on the scrap heap?

Conclusion: We're not at our best. Musie is lying low and certain Irregulars have become more like Incommunicados. But I'd match the recent work from the Chair against anything on these other blogs. (Except perhaps Ms Butcher's tattoo photos.)

Still, we're not the only ones who got robbed. What about Marmite and Sot?

Fishing Off the Company Pier

Office dating is nothing new. It’s a product of our time. Most of us have done it. Most of us have survived. It will continue. In fact, at my old haunts, I didn’t think this topic warranted discussion. In the words of one colleague: It’s passé. Or as those in Ottawa on French training say: it’s passé composé.

Then Peter McKay comes along and reminds us that not all have learned the conventional wisdom on this topic. Given Musie hasn’t given the ESI’s much to work with lately, I thought I’d use the moment to help the Peters out there to understand the wisdom around office dating. Most of you know this, and I apologize for the redundancy of this lecture.

The Chair’s Wisdom on Office Dating

Rule #1: Keep it a secret, even to yourself

Okay. So you’ve bedded the office hottie. All your buddies (married ones included) have been vying for this chance and you’ve landed her. Don’t parade the trophy. We know the primal urge is to throw your catch over your shoulder and trot through the office showing all potential threats that you have won and that you are now the king but you must not succumb. And it’s no better if you passively let it out when asked. Be coy. Lie. Psych yourself into believing it is not happening. This denial will help you in the future.

As for Peter and Belinda, while the backroom press chat had long confirmed the two were an item (having been spotted jumping on the same plane to the Caribbean), it wasn’t until Mr. MacKay started doing public interviews on the subject that things got out of hand.

Rule#2: Know your partner’s m.o.

Knowing whether your recent office love partner has a history of fishing off the company pier can help you keep things in perspective as to where things might go. With one of my indiscretions, I had already learned that there had been a recent “other guy” who was currently in therapy following his momentary lapse in judgment involving the same woman. This prepared me well for the final relationship crash, allowing me to immediately access the appropriate therapy, which, by this point, had turned into an encounter group of ex’s meeting weekly over coffee and cigarettes in an Anglican Church basement.

If Peter had done his homework he would have realized Belinda’s first marriage was to Don Well, a Magna executive she got friendly with while on company road trips. Her second marriage was to a Norwegian Olympic gold medal-winning speed skater. Okay, maybe not work-related on the second go, but a Norwegian? Two words: The Scream.

Rule#3: When it goes south – suck it up.

I’ve been twice burned on the office romance front. And in both instances, the formers started up new romances with other office mates. Yeah. Major bummer. Taking my cue from the Queen, I’ve always remained stoic. Found a few confidants to take me out for drinks, maybe a side trip to a peeler bar, and offer some solace. What I didn’t do was have a camera crew follow me out to a potato patch (what were you thinking??) while I tried to find a dog to pretend to like me. Just sad.

Rule#4: Keep it civil

So they’re not going to be your best friend. Or maybe they will be. Either way, getting sulky doesn’t work on so many levels. Level one, the more you sulk, the more your former will be vindicated for dropping such a loser. Being civil may actually instill some guilt in her for her behaviour, and I’m always a big fan of passive-aggressive behaviour. Level two, it doesn’t help your case with chasing after the new hottie on the backbench (or front bench, for that matter --- hello Rona Ambrose, let me tell you about my global warming…). Level three: have you seen her new beau? I’ve never been a fan of Tie Domi, but I’m not going to slag his girlfriend either. He’s sort of mental. Taunting former Leafs goons is not a good play.

Rule#5: If you can’t be civil, at least be witty

Maybe Hansard doesn’t have a fuddle duddle equivalent for referring to one’s ex-girlfriend as a dog. So the record will never show what was said. Either way, Peter Mackay’s response was just plain un-witty. And to boot, I’m just waiting for a Garth Turner / Belinda Stronach joint-appearance on Rick Mercer to one-up the whole thing. At that point, we will be laughing, Peter. But not with you. Just at you.

BlogAdmin and the Cams

Our Blog Administrator is a quiet fellow, his only comment comes with the cam views in the side panel. I don't catch them all, but here are the ones I have caught along with my best guess as to what he is referring to.

15 Dec 2006: Mayor Lex Shops for Lawyers Cam [Ref: LRT - Plan B; CBC]

11 Dec 2006: Depression Cam [Ref: 1, 2, 3]

1 Dec 2006: Porno for Asexuals Cam [Ref: six reasons to love an asexual ?]

29 Nov 2006: Keeping Secrets Cam [Ref: Emergency Meeting 27 Nov 2006]

28 Nov 2006: How To Flirt at the Office Cam [Ref: The Mannerly Guide]

22 Nov 2006: Searching for New Muse Cam - Candidate #2: Psycho Girlfriend

21 Nov 2006: Searching for New Muse Cam - Candidate #1: Yuckos the Clown

20 Nov 2006: What Really Happened to Aggie Cam [Ref: 1 2 3]

19 Nov 2006: Dueling Hipster's Cam [Ref: MatildaZine]

17 Nov 2006: Happily Ever After Cam [Ref: Musie's Goodbye]

15 Nov 2006: Good-Bye-Rummy, Now-Lets-Go-Home Cam

13 Nov 2006: ESI's Salute Coyote's Good Deed Cam [Ref: 1 2]

Great Google features: A cautionary tale

Overhead in the coffee line-up this morning:

Guy 1: So, I'm not going to the ball hockey tournament in Windsor this weekend?

Guy 2: Why not?

Guy 1: My wife was doing a Google on our home computer and when she typed the letter 'S', the auto-complete displayed 'strippers windsor'.

Guy 2: So, she won't let you go because of that?

Guy 1: I guess. Like what does she think is going to happen?

Conch Shell greets her fellow ESI's, and issues message

Ah, you guys. Thanks for making the Conchie Returns video for me, although aren't you giving your identities away? Yes, it's been a long dry season. But slamming organic food was just too much.
Especially when I know what all those toxins are doing to my fellow marine creatures. You know, all that run off of chemicals goes somewhere. But, on a related note, I have a public message for my fellow bloggers. Not organic, or recycling. No, sustainable seafood. If you care about the future of Conch Shell's essential habitat, maybe you could follow ethical seafood eating guidelines. In short: say no to food produced from bottom dragging the ocean floor (and other horrendous things). Say yes to fish taken in a sustainable fashion: Do a Seafood Search Or print off your handy little guide.
Anyways, that's my one "Save me! Save me!" message of the year.
On a side note, I knew Aggie wouldn't give up juicy details about herself. She hasn't yet even taken off her bandages.

Newsflash: Conch Shell is back!

Conch Shell has finally resurfaced on my blog. It seems that my trashing organic food got a rise out of her.

Alternatives to Muses?

Although Aggie has been trying to make up for 5M's lack of edge, the sad fact is that her life lacks drama that she is willing to detail and she's not mean enough to name initials. With this in mind, I thought I would do a targetted search for women who identify themselves as being perhaps not so nice.

Unfortunately, as you will see by my comments, while some come close to being metabloggable, I failed to find a perfect replacement muse.

AngryBlackBitch: Comments on all the American stories that everyone else is commenting on, with the occasional pointed rant you don't get everywhere, and enough references to vodka and cranberry to you'd think she had a thing for our friend the Chair.

Bitch Ph.D.: A leftist, feminist American academic who invites comments and discussions and seems to get them.

Claiming my Inner Bitch: This self-described progressive, born-again Christian has an amusing adult content warning, but spends more time battling depression and complaining about things than talking about sex.

coldbitch.blogspot.com: A 20-year-old in Singapore who doesn't know how to use periods or the shift key. Calls her boyfriend "mi dearest", gets struck with jealousy, and blames herself for it. Not bitchy.

coldheartedbitch.blogspot.com: Dead blog. Depressed 18-year-old who thought swearing made her a bitch.

coldheartedbitch.com: Porn site. And not a good one.

The Company Bitch: A highly readable blog by a young woman in NYC. I especially like her nicknames, for example: "Re-boyfriend". [If she lived closer to Ottawa, I'd metablog her.]

Confessions of a Horny Bitch : A sex loving and monogamous young woman who gets really worked up by uninformed negative comments on her blog.

Heartless Bitch for sale at Heartless Bitches International

Heartless Bitches International: A club for Heartless Bitches, where those whose applications contain grammar and spelling mistakes are mocked, "nice" guys are pilloried, and you can buy Heartless Bitch merchandise. Definite bitchiness here, but the head heartless bitch just spent over $900 to save her cat's life, on the other hand, she didn't seem to care about the third world people she could have saved with that money.

humorless bitch: Rants on Mac software and U.S. politics that assume you know the context.

innerbitch.com: Under construction

innerbitch.net: Two computer gals who like blogging, sci-fi, and the seafaring novels of Patrick O'Brian. They'd be perfect for the Dwarf, but the one with a cat is married, and the other has a dog. The bitchiness is so "inner" it's invisible.

innerbitch.blogspot.com: A dead blog with a single posting from a woman with poor writing, typing and spelling skills.

kinky bitch: It looks like this young woman who enjoys pleasuring herself and thinking about sex with men is more interested in finding love now.

outlaw bitch: A fellow Canadian who goes apple-picking and coos over baby cows. An outlaw? A bitch? Maybe not.

Reap the whirlwind

Hmmm. What to do, what to do. With all of this back and forth between A)Muse and B)Muse, a coyote feels like he's mostly chasin' his own tail.

Shrug.

'Scuse me, now. I need to go find something I think I left behind. Where did that furry thing go...?

Why the Chinchillas are not being blogged

1. R may have suggested that the wee chinchillas are not a suitable topic;


2. 5M had several rough experiences with previous pets and perhaps suspected that unkind commenters would leave nasty remarks or speculations on her reasons for even having chinchillas; or
   


3. that others would make satirical cartoon series about them.

Those are my guesses.

I wish her well with them.

I understand that chinchillas aren't the easiest pets to care for, but I'm sure she's up to the challenge.

No Coat for Siren

What's this? The original Muse is back? And where are the baby Chinchillas? This is so confusing. However, I find it a little too coincidental that Aggie disappears just when Musie comes back. Hmmm. Enough said.

As for finding a 1st-year-since-1st-date anniversary gift, I found out that Ms. Hatton does have some works for sale at the Dale Smith Gallery. They range from $800 and up. Maybe a bit out Musie's price range, but when it comes to 1st-date anniversaries, is there really a price too high? And if it is a money problem, I believe our former ESI'er, Siren, would buy a few of those new Chinchillas.

Lushness and Aggie

Is our Aggie an incipient lush? This is not an idle question. When the Irregulars enter the social whirl, the girl's always enjoyed a hearty pink gin. Or two. In her brave quest to develop interesting new dysfunctions for us to metablog, she has lately mentioned scarfing two bottles of red in quick succession.

And she's a writer. We all know what that means. Big risk factor. Think Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Dorothy Parker (Hell, the entire Algonquin Round Table...), Raymond Carver, Adela Rogers St. John, Charles Bukowski, Jean Stafford, and for all I know, Ann Landers and Dear Abby.

Just yesterday, she posted that trying to be a metamuse was more difficult than she'd ever imagined, and wondered what it took for us to notice her. I sense that this bid for attention may be a wrenching cry for help.

Must we ESIs stand idly by as Agatha sinks into a slough of sloe? Will we urge her to find a 12-step program as we enter one of our own, for co-dependents? Should we stage a showy intervention, a la certain extended-cable-package reality televison programs with lamentable production values?

Or perhaps we need look to the danger signs behind the windows of our own glass houses first, and ask ourselves what roles we have played in this sorry saga -- 4th Dwarf's ever-present rum flagon and documented bent for erratic nautical courses; the Chair's trademark martini glass and Dean Martin-esque warbles at parties; Conch Shell's secret compartments and unexplained -- but fishy -- long absences; the Independent Observer's penchant for glasses of all kinds. And yes, my own weakness for quantities of fermented chokecherries.

Tangled questions. Perhaps we need to call an emergency meeting...

Those clever buggers at the Ottawa Citizen are pretty sharp at knowing which stories to give free access to and which ones to put their little key symbol next to.

Turning strip club into university earns Ducharme an award

Ex-Hull mayor joins diplomat, elections boss as recipient of highest Mexican decoration

The former mayor of Hull, and later Gatineau, has been inducted into a major Mexican order for turning a strip club into a university. [link]

A bit of web searching has turned up an award speech. My French is weak, so I'm not exactly sure where it talks about the Strip Club, but I think it must be the espace plus confortablement they call the Maison des Citoyens.

Il a également logé les fondateurs de l'école représentant l'Extension de l'UNAM au Canada, l'UNAM-ESECA, leur offrant tout d'abord un petit espace dans les installations de la Société pour le Développement Économique de l'Outaouais, puis il a généreusement offert un autre espace, ce qui nous a permis de travailler plus confortablement car les deux espaces se trouvent dans la Maison du Citoyen.

Crittercizing design

Being who -- and what -- I am, I'm a huge fan of lurking alongside roads at night, so that when headlights reflect the red glare from my baby-yellows, it jolts the crap outta drivers. It's a coyote thing. It amuses me.

But last night, restless 'round three or so, I was rudely aware of the rather astounding number of unwanted and unasked-for little electrical eyes floating in the once-pristine dark of my den -- smoke detector blinking every 30 seconds, power strips, clock, CD player, DVD player, VCR, amps, tuners, modems, RF converters, cell phone charger, cordless phone, answering device, microwave oven, what-have-you. (I'm a surprisingly plugged-in coyote...)

Each of these indoor light pollutants, singly, is egregious enough. In concert, they turn the joint into a red/green/yellow/blue Christmas tree. I thoroughly resent the clueless electronics components makers, engineers and industrial designers who perpetrate this. Light emitting diodes and backlit liquid crystal displays have become dirt cheap -- a penny a pop. So product designers all plonk these things unthinkingly onto their gimcracks, some merely to let me know the damned thing is plugged in. (Of course it is. I plugged it, and don't expect the f*ing plug to fall outta the wall anytime soon.)

Costs 'em squat, and they can call it a 'feature'. A pointless one, resulting in one more selling point to list on the box, when I'd actually pay extra for its removal. Feature this, boneheads: one irritating little light to 'inform' me a thing is plugged in, and yet another to 'confirm' that it's actually turned on, when I know that already too, ain't a feature, it is crappy industrial design. And I have black electrical tape that trumps your stupidity. And makes your ugly 'design' even uglier, but so what?.

I am an aesthetical coyote. I just figure little glowing eyes in the dark are a privilege to be reserved for animate (and animistic) critters. Thank you very much. You may now return to more blogworthy creepy videos of little girls being harrassed about breakfast.

(Image: Environmental Science Program, Dedman College, Southern Methodist University)

Moderation

Wine Pour by katiew

It's hard to imagine Aggie being down to only two bottles of wine on a weekend. I wonder how this'll go with her seasonal affective disorder.

For my part, I'm going to make sure to not bring Dame Aggie to any genocide movies this year and the next time I'm at the store, I'll picking up some very bright lightbulbs for her. Some of these new energy savers can really brighten a place up.

Conchie, have you been taking our dear friend for her constitutionals? You know those are always good for her spirits.

A Break from Regular Programming

While Musie is on an extended break taking care of her Chinchillas, I've pulled out the following film from my Grade 4 Social Studies class. I ask all the ESI's (and guests) to view and discuss.