Ottawa River Crash: What They're Hiding

In the past couple of days, humorous speculation on this very blog has stumbled uncomfortably close to the truth. Ummm. Confession, here. Somebody's been a very bad dog. Again.

It all started earlier this week, when I realized I had only days to remove a, ummm, surplus military vehicle, acquired more or less on the up-and-up in the 1960s, from the sorta disused garage where I stored it (maybe a little less on the up-and-up) at Rockliffe Air Base. Which sadly, is closing July 31.

I just want to say that back in the 60s, I definitely scooped the cream puff. The low-flying lemons went to the US Air Force and the Smithsonian Institute. In fact, for some reason I strangely can't remember, they thought the thing never flew that well. Heh. It's come in really handy. I mean, how the hell do you think I keep evading Temporary Mayor DT's coyote posse?

It's been parked most of this summer - convertible, y'know, and all this rain. But when I started it up and backed it out that night, headed toward a new rented garage in in the west end, it totally purred. It ran so well, I scooted it up to eight or ten thousand feet and started honking up the Ottawa River in the dark. Much like the local Canada geese.

Up there, I am afraid, my natural semi-mythical exuberance got the better of me. When I remembered the parachute flare in the glove box, it just seemed natural to light it off the cigarette lighter and toss it over the side.

Big mistake.

Sigh. You know most of the rest of it. 911 calls. Constabulary and flashing lights and rescue boats and divers and stuff, all over the place. Then the beefy guys with sunglasses and black suits showed up. You know, the ones with inexplicable military license plates on their black Suburbans, and little radar scanners on top. I rather think the cops were politely asked to lay off for reasons of, ummm, national security.

It's all glossed over now, but I'm pretty sure they haven't stopped looking for me. Forty-five years, and they're still cranky about losing their saucer. Some people never know when to give up. Don't tell, 'kay?

Breaking News: Ottawa River crash debris recovered

Turns out it was just a weather balloon. Nothing to see here. Please move on.

Conspiracy or a Jeff Goldblum Flick?

The Facts:

Friday, July 24th -- 12:19 a.m.
Federal government announces that the Alexandra Bridge over the Ottawa River will be closed to all traffic for supposed repair work between 9 pm and 6 am, starting Sunday evening through to Thursday, July 30th

Friday, July 24th -- 12:33 a.m.
Only 14 minutes after the previous announcement, Public Works adds a second bridge to the list of closures. This time it's the Macdonald-Cartier bridge that will be closed to cyclists and pedestrians heading north starting the morning of Tuesday, July 28th at 9 am.

Friday, July 24th -- Late afternoon
West Ottawa experiences a flood that some describe as a "one-hundred year" event.

Monday, July 27th -- 2:55 pm
Ottawa Police issue a press release requesting the public's assistance in identifying two female suspects involved in a robbery of an Ottawa taxi driver. Both young co-eds were unarmed and were not too uneasy on the eyes from what can be gained by the photos. The driver took them from the Byward Market (only a stones throw from either of the above bridges) and drove them to Baseline and Woodroffe where the robbery took place. The two were last seen traveling east on Baseline road.

Monday, July 27th -- ~ 9 pm.
Local media report that the verdict in Larry O'Brien trial to be delivered one-week sooner than planned.

Monday, July 27th -- 10 p.m.
Britannia residents report some suspicious activity involving lights and loud noises over the Deschenes rapids followed by what appears to be an aircraft crashing into the river. Ottawa Police take the reports seriously and issue its own press release at 3 a.m. in the morning the next day. Story is odd enough that Boing-Boing, the source of everything worth knowing, picks it up.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 11:15 am
Police report a kidnapping and theft of an LCBO tractor trailer near Walkley and Bank St. (best accessed via Baseline Rd. east to Heron and south on Bank St.). The incident happened shortly after midnight. The driver is eventually found almost 200 km. east of Ottawa in Vaudreuil, Quebec.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 4 pm
Police issue a press release claiming that the search of the Ottawa River has turned up nothing despite the observations of witnesses. They halt any further search.

Tuesday, July 28th -- 5:15 pm
Police issue a media release that they have completed a two-day prostitution and "John" sweep in Lowertown (not far from either bridges) and Vanier (east of Ottawa) and have made a few arrests. No names are released.

Tasemanian gavel

The Justice Thomas Braidwood inquiry, in a beautifully lucid, commonsense finding that should surprise no one, has ruled that Tasers can kill.

There are caveats, but coyotes who have been on about electrical discharge weapons for at least as long as Braidwood has been inquiring, feel that logic has returned to the debate. Taser International, and cops on this country who may stand to face legal and civil action as a result of their, ummm, overenthusiastic endorsement - Tasemania, if you will - of the damned things, may not.

For the first time in ages, Taser International is not ranked first in the Google results for "Taser". News about the inquiry is. That's gotta suck for sales.

In fact, right after Braidwood's news conference yesterday, Taser International's spokesthingy fired off an email slamming the inquiry's report as "politics triumphing over science".

That would be the science fully-funded by Taser and hauled into a series of courtrooms to legally muddy, squelch and steamroll the faintest scintilla of evidence that its weapon had contributed to any death, anywhere. The science Taser used to sell boxcars full of its products to police forces that have come to regard them as really safe electric people prods. The science that Taser has been regularly trotting out at conventions of police chiefs and various rentacops, to show them how their under trained rookies can be handed stun guns with which to zap drunks and, say, subway turnstile jumpers. The science that Taser has been using to impress our more, ummm, law-and-order MPs when it lobbies them...

Oh, wait! Wasn't that all politics? Oops. Some coyotes just don't know when to stop thinkin'...

A salty dog

We regret to report the death of Gidget the Chihuahua of a massive stroke Tuesday, at a pubescent 15 years.

She is best remembered as the dubbed-male-voice spokesdog for a fast food chain that shall remain nameless, because at this blog, we don't espouse free advertising for any commercial ventures but our own.

The gender thing is not unusual. Lassie - through all 163 or so actors - was almost invariably played by a male dog in drag. Or perhaps a (shudder) neuter. Regardless, the quality of the show's human actors was such that I almost always mentally rooted for him/her/it to shove Timmy down the lousy well... and maybe dangle a judicious leg over the hole before buggering off. I digress.

I needn't go into details. Mainstream news is on this like cheese on a burrito. But as long as we're hinting conspiratorially at coincidental links between recently expired celebrities - and hey, these are the dog days of summer news, so what else are we gonna do? - I'll just arch a significant eyebrow and mention that the reasonably alert among you will have noted again very recently that one of the contraindications for those who wish to avoid strokes is sodium chloride. The kind that one might find in massively oversalted tacos, f'rinstance...

I'm just sayin'.