Wankitudinosity

The Irregulars know from wank. And if there's one thing we at ESI Inc. believe we deserve, it is the acknowledgement, nay, adulation, of our peers.

Or not, especially after being stiffed so often in the past by multiple blog awards committees, undeserved slights that have all been chronicled in excruciating detail by our (very short) resident conspiracy theorist.

So I note with complete bafflement, appalled alarm, etc., that we were unaccountably omitted from this week's "Top 100 Wankers of the Year" list, in the newstand issue of Frank Magazine. (Shurely shome mishtake...? --4d ) Not only were we bumped from first place -- a clear error on the part of the judging panel, and one that would lead me to question if they were: a) sober, or; b) bought off -- but we didn't even get on the damn list! Outrage!

Granted, winner of the coveted Number One position is Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay, who has acquitted himself admirably by putting his foot (and possibly other body parts...) into it, on a buncha well-documented occasions over the past coupla years. Then denying it. The Hon. Peter is a palpable wanker.

But c'mon! Anybody who reads us regularly -- or who drops by only once, totally by accident, for that matter -- knows that wankitudinosity is a major part of our brand recognition. (Um, okaaay, it's all of our brand recognition. Now shaddup, go away, and stop buggin' me, kid.)

Image: Possibly Vancouver Sun, or maybe Radio Canada... jeez, there were were a lotta photographers watching him blubber that day....

Emergency Meeting: What's going on here?

It is 6:52 a.m. I am up because my cat decided to come home at this hour. It's sad when your cat has a better social life than you do. But, that's another posting... I thought I'd take this early bird opportunity to give an update on what's going with the ESIs. I called an Emergency Meeting at the Usual Spot on Friday to discuss the ESI's failure to blog. While we did not take formal minutes, here is the gist of what I got from our meeting.

Present at the Meeting: Aggie, 4th Dwarf, Coyote, The Chair, Conch Shell, Harmony, Audrey, and Painted Stick. The IO informed us that he is "fighting something" and was unable to attend.

Reasons for non-blogging:The Chair had a health breakdown over the holidays -- a really really really bad cold. We suspect the IO is currently fighting that really really really bad cold.

Harmony has been busy performing with Painted Stick. She's also been tending to the sick, including one with a really really really bad cold.

Aggie, Coyote and 4th Dwarf suffered from their own special versions of some kind of holiday existential crisis. Aggie tried to remedy this with Christmas baking, but that failed miserably.

Conch Shell has time to show up for Emergency Meetings to drink, but has no time to blog. She continues to be busy with important world-saving stuff.

Audrey suggested we have a party to which each of us would bring a stranger. A stranger to the others, that is; not a complete, fucking stranger. But, the rule would be that we wouldn't be permitted to talk about our blog or blogging. We all agreed that this could be a useful exercise for us right now.

Other topics of discussion: How we hoped for a political sex scandal. Inappropriate pinching to determine body fat index.

The Usual Spot: There were complaints about the crowdedness, the body heat wafting off of the hoards, the crankiness of the staff. We agreed that more publogging needed to occur.

Sightings: the Goddess. Fortunately, we didn't have the usual argument over which of us she desires most: ("She wants me." "No, it's me, she wants...You see the way she smiles at me" etc., etc..) Lots of mojo flowing from the Goddess, as always.

Second sighting: the Crazy Woman. This is what broke up the meeting. Aggie, Coyote and 4th Dwarf fled. Coyote was the first to spot her, and was the first one out the door. We couldn't see his ass for dust.

Aggie's favourite band: Bob Marley and the Waiters

I have never been in a band. That would probably require at least a thimble full of musical ability. Too bad. Because, as the Bucky Awards understand, one of the best things about forming a group is choosing a name. Here's my shortlist of contenders, in case I suddenly find myself in a sonic collaboration:

(*) The Unhappy Campers
(*) Generation Zed
(*) The Frickin' Wallendas
(*) Johnny Resfellow and the Community Standards
(*) Blogworthy

Beijing punk rockers Brain Failure
Photo: www.covertbooking.com

Carbon Dating Service

From CBC Radio 3's Bucky Awards

Best new band name: Carbon Dating Service

Website: www.myspace.com/carbondatingservice
Download: Carbon Dating Service - 2006 Press Kit

Things that go click in the night

An acquaintance is grappling with a mystery. Her television frequently turns on by itself in the middle of the night. Prime theories to explain this odd phenomenon:

1) The TV was manufactured on a Monday
2) North Korea's Kim Jong Il is beaming electromagnetic waves at North America to mess with our minds and our home appliances
3) Gnomes
4) People are wandering around on the sidewalk with remote controls, randomly zapping away
5) The TV, unable to start a blog, has found another way of expressing itself