I was spifflicated, okay?

'Twas the week before Yuletide, and all round the wharf
Not a creature was stirring, not one hyper dwarf
Though his britches were hung from the bowsprit with care
In hopes NASA'd mistakenly crash a shuttle in there

Meanwhile, down fathoms beneath the ship's keel
Conch Shell was saving the world with great zeal
Using ploys and devices considered quite salty
Though no one could argue the outcome was faulty

And The Chair was reclined beneath fresh Naugahyde
For which dozens of innocent Naugas had died
While visions of choo choo trains danced through his slats
City councillors abandoned the O-Train like rats

The IO was polishing personas in his lair
The Don Cherry one wore a plaid-laden glare
That sputtered and stuttered against the formalities
Ya gotta love a hard checker with multiple personalities

The coyote had chronicled it all in bad doggerel
(Something to do with overproof rum and egg noggerel)
When what to his unfocussed eye should appear
But a Mini full of chinchillas, and a cat dressed as reindeer

"They're fake antlers," said Aggie, "And I'll see you later
I'm off for a fling with a much-younger waiter,
And while I'm not certain it'll qualify as intimate,
I can say without doubt that I'm totally into it."

By now all our readers were dazed and confused:
"Hey, wasn't this metablog about that nice young Fifth Muse?"
But Agatha clarified as she jumped on a bus
"Merry Christmas to her -- but it's all about us!!"

...and from somewhere close by, but concealed from sight
Harmony hummed a few bars of O Holy Night...

Newsflash: Conch Shell and Aggie's Brilliant Idea!

Conch Shell and I went to the "Regular Place" (also known as "the usual spot"), and it was too busy, yet again. We realized that Ottawa needs another "regular place". In fact, Ottawa needs the Irregulars PUBLOG. It's more than a pub, more than a blog; it's a lifestyle. You heard it first here, folks.

I faxed the business proposal (that we hashed out last night) to the Chair this afternoon, and we hope he will make a powerpoint presentation laying out some features of the plan. An Emergency Meeting may be called, so do stay tuned.

Ottawa Transit Plan B's

So it looks like Ottawa’s transit plan is about to be de-railed. Anyway, if it looks like Mayor Lex Luthor and his posse are about to fully capitulate on the whole idea of public transit, I offer the following plan B’s for consideration.

Idea#1 – Very, very, very-light rail



Did any of you ever visit Upper Canada Village as a kid? Or maybe even as an adult? It seems every year of my life between grade 2 and grade 7, our annual school trip took us to that wonderful pioneer world just off the banks of the St. Lawrence River. I hated it, of course. At the time, I wasn’t into history and found it all very boring. But the cool thing was the miniature train. I’m sure it doesn’t cost hundreds of millions of dollars to build. Once the Feds and the province back out, it may be all we can afford. On the plus side, I imagine we can build enough track to cover all major coordinates on the compass. Imagine taking the North by Northeast Line and transferring to the West by Southwest line to get from Vanier to the Airport. Cool. Of course, we would have to have mandatory tunnels on all lines to appease the coolness factor for the kids. I imagine most of the materials could be provided from a mini-putt supplier.

Idea#2 -- Everyone Loves a Parade

What is the only fun one can have while driving at 5 mph? Answer: when it’s a parade. Under this scheme we don’t do anything to the road infrastructure. Instead, the Queensway commute officially becomes a parade 5 days a week (and anytime there is a Senators home game). I’m pretty sure we can hire those Shriner guys with the go-carts for a song, and Max Keeping is probably good for a couple of shifts a week as parade marshal. Throw in a brass band and some bag-pipers and we’re all set. The Pride-Week commute alone could make it all very entertaining and enjoyable.

Idea#3 -- Return the Rideau Canal to its roots

Before pleasure boaters and skaters monopolized that swath of waterway that cuts through the city, the canal’s main purpose was for transportation (namely to by-pass hostile American waters of Loyalist times). Why not resurrect this function? I like the idea of a high-speed hydrofoil connecting the Rideau Centre to Carleton University, but that’s mostly for the selfish desire that we get a James Bond film shoot in town someday. That said, this whole scheme could be completely self-financing with the tourism spin-offs. First, we would have to dismantle the NCC seeing that they would never support anything so fun. And maybe send Randall Denley on a sabbatical. Wow. This would solve several problems in this town.

Just some ideas, City Hall, in case you're too busy figuring out how to spend your big fat raises on Christmas presents, instead of trying to run a municipality.

Some Canadian Jokes to Lighten the Mood

I ended up getting books for the little ones (the illiterate bastards). There were not enough monster mittens for everyone. Since one of my wee nephews lives in Essex, I decided to educate him about Canada by giving him a book entitled 101 Cool Canadian Jokes by Erin O'Connor.

Here are a few highlights from the collection:

Knock,knock!
Who's there?
Caribou!
Caribou who?
Don't cry--it's only a joke!

What do pigs clean the ice with?
A Hamboni.

What do you get when you cross a great hockey player and a plumber?
Drain Gretzky.

What's smelly, green and gross and works on Parliament Hill?
The slime minister!

Yes, they are lame little jokes...

Required reading

Don't despair, fellow ESIs. We all should take a deep co-dependent breath and avoid a needless slide into a destructive shame spiral. I urge you to read this pamphlet distributed by the good people at The Nonist. It will cure our collective e-ennui.