Publog Research: Café Paradiso

Based on fieldwork by the Independent Observer, Agatha, AODWF (Aggie's Off-Duty Waiter Friend), Coyote, and the Research Director, on 23 December 2006:

The Pluses (or things we'd rip off wholesale our spot)

• Garage door windows that can be opened onto the street in fine weather (They were closed when we were there...) ;
• Funky future-deco curved ceiling and wall details;
• Nifty light fixtures that looked like little Sputnik satellites, that 4th Dwarf would've liked a lot if he'd been there;
  
• A well-handled fusion menu (Butternut Squash Chili and Apricot and Chorizo Stuffed Chicken Supreme were sampled and judged excellent);
  
• A superior live jazz trio playing selections by Vince Guaraldi;
  
• Service that blended attentiveness and efficiency without becoming presumptuously chummy (We believe waiter-waitee relationships desirable, but best when cultivated over time);
  
• Enough beautiful/handsome/rich patrons to create an exclusive atmosphere.
  

The Minuses (or things we should avoid)

• No convenient watering dish for thirsty dogs at the entrance;
• A waiter who was shocked (Shocked!) to discover that the Paradiso in fact sold pitchers of draught beer -- although he did manage to unearth a clean pitcher and serve it up, once informed that this was the case;
• A decided lack of solo French fry or potato wedge items on the menu, although these could be had with main dishes. AODWF also noted the absence of an intriguingly exotic comestible he called 'deluxe poutine' (don't ask);
• Portion sizes that certain circumferentially-enhanced, low-altitude, high-attitude ESI members would have considered most disappointing, had they been in attendance, and;
• Atmosphere perhaps a little too upmarket and exclusive for ESIs and their usual circle.

These work against it being a regular hangout for our target market, although it's certainly a nice place to dress up for and visit occasionally. Assuming, of course, that you're not wearing permanent fur already.

Publog Research: 4th Ave Wine Bar

Based on fieldwork by Coyote, 4D, the Chair, Audrey, Conchie, the Research Director, Painted Stick and Aggie on 19 December 2006:

The Pluses (or things we should try to copy in our spot)

• Huge fish tank;
• Excellent red wine; and
  
• Full-size robot sculpture made of junk (at least I think it's a sculpture and not just a robot that's been switched off).
  

The Minuses (or things we should avoid)

• Diabolically uncomfortable bar stools;
• $ 5 for a tiny plate of spindly little fries that arrive without salt (instead of a large basket of big potato wedges);
• Waiter takes one person's drink order, ignores others with empty glasses, (and is apparently anti-dwarfistic); and
• A croque-monsieur with fries (spindly little ones) and a salad takes an hour to make.
  

Publog Research: The Parliamentary Restaurant

Based on fieldwork by the IO, Coyote, 4D, Audrey and the Amazon on 19 December 2006:

The Pluses (or things we should try to copy in our spot)

• Put all guests through metal detector and x-ray their belongings to give them confidence in their safety and a heightened sense of exclusivity;
• Gold crest on all china;
• Great view of Ottawa River, Parliament Buildings, etc.;
• Strong possibility of seeing famous people;
• Big selection of desserts;
• Friendly service; and
• When seating people in remote corner with no view of celebrities, tell them "this is the Prime Minister's corner but it's yours today".

The Minuses (or things we should avoid)

• Staff should know whether diet ginger ale is available or not; and
• People with empty coffee cups should be offered refills.

[See: Business Case for the Brilliant Idea]

I was spifflicated, okay?

'Twas the week before Yuletide, and all round the wharf
Not a creature was stirring, not one hyper dwarf
Though his britches were hung from the bowsprit with care
In hopes NASA'd mistakenly crash a shuttle in there

Meanwhile, down fathoms beneath the ship's keel
Conch Shell was saving the world with great zeal
Using ploys and devices considered quite salty
Though no one could argue the outcome was faulty

And The Chair was reclined beneath fresh Naugahyde
For which dozens of innocent Naugas had died
While visions of choo choo trains danced through his slats
City councillors abandoned the O-Train like rats

The IO was polishing personas in his lair
The Don Cherry one wore a plaid-laden glare
That sputtered and stuttered against the formalities
Ya gotta love a hard checker with multiple personalities

The coyote had chronicled it all in bad doggerel
(Something to do with overproof rum and egg noggerel)
When what to his unfocussed eye should appear
But a Mini full of chinchillas, and a cat dressed as reindeer

"They're fake antlers," said Aggie, "And I'll see you later
I'm off for a fling with a much-younger waiter,
And while I'm not certain it'll qualify as intimate,
I can say without doubt that I'm totally into it."

By now all our readers were dazed and confused:
"Hey, wasn't this metablog about that nice young Fifth Muse?"
But Agatha clarified as she jumped on a bus
"Merry Christmas to her -- but it's all about us!!"

...and from somewhere close by, but concealed from sight
Harmony hummed a few bars of O Holy Night...

Newsflash: Conch Shell and Aggie's Brilliant Idea!

Conch Shell and I went to the "Regular Place" (also known as "the usual spot"), and it was too busy, yet again. We realized that Ottawa needs another "regular place". In fact, Ottawa needs the Irregulars PUBLOG. It's more than a pub, more than a blog; it's a lifestyle. You heard it first here, folks.

I faxed the business proposal (that we hashed out last night) to the Chair this afternoon, and we hope he will make a powerpoint presentation laying out some features of the plan. An Emergency Meeting may be called, so do stay tuned.