Coyote and Dating

Coyote should not listen to any ESI pressure to enter into dating world. Dating is an evil construct, based on regressive, repressive outdated courtship rituals. Don't go there, Coyote!

Lavalife and all those places are spaces for people who think they are too busy to get away from their monitors or who just generally have screen addictions. Do you really want to hang around with these types?

In addition to the lavalife stuff, there are a plethora of "dating advice" sites and quizzes out there that are completely obnoxious, and promote relationships that last forever. That's not very postmodern, is it? And talk about heterocentric! We're still in the middle ages with all this dating propaganda.

I also think some of these sites give bad advice. One site advised young men to use this pick-up line: Carry an empty chair to a woman's table and say, "Is this seat taken?"

Now, I would likely tell the young man to bugger off if he used that one. I dare you to try that one, 4th Dwarf! Or, Chair, you could use this line, and replace the word "seat" for "chair". That might be appealing to the ladies, especially if you asked it rhetorically: "Is this Chair taken? Why yes, I believe it is!"

But back to the dating thing, Coyote. The goal should be good old-fashioned shagging, not dating. Don't date. Just shag. Shagging is good for you, you shaggy dog, you!

So Long to the Rat Mole

"The technical term is basal cell carcinoma, but I think you might as well call it a rodent ulcer," said the surgeon at our first consultation.

"Rodent ulcer?" I asked.

"Uh huh," he said and went on to explain that yes, it's "malignant" but almost never metastasises, and it's no big deal to remove.

I nodded calmly, but in my head, I was thinking, what kind of medical marketing genius came up with rodent ulcer as a euphemism? Might as well call it a rat mole.

Anyway, the pesky thing is gone now. It was interesting how few people seemed to notice the growing scabby thing on my forehead while it was there. Many more people noticed the bandage, but I suppose when you use it as display space that is only natural.

First, I went with a post-it note that said "You should see the other guy." Later I realized I could save myself $2.50 on a birthday card. I was surprised at how many people read "Happy Birthday, Jim!" on my forehead and assumed I was Jim. People who actually seemed intelligent in other ways.

"I'm not Jim," I politely said when they wished me a happy birthday. "If I was Jim, this would be written backwards."

Back to the rat mole, it's gone. The stitches come out on Friday and the biopsy results will be a few weeks.

Robbed Again

The Rabid Posse is back at their dastardly tricks! This time, they have kept us off the prestigious Ottawa Xpress Best of Ottawa Readers Poll for best Ottawa blog!

Let's have a look at the nominees and I'll tell you what is wrong with them:

Dial 6-1-3_: It's a music blog. Do they have a cam in the sidebar column for music videos? No. In this post they said "no shows on Monday." The Xpress differs. And the Xpress doesn't even mention the music that's always on at that quaint little pub at Elgin and Frank. On top of that, they don't even mention Bjorn Again at the Casino tonight!

rob mclennan's blog: Of course they had to put that genius at self-promotion on this list, but really, a blog about poetry? More worthy than a blog about blogs?

The Blog of Amanda Earl: Yes, in a transparent attempt to be put on the ballot, she gives links to her erotic writing. But has she ever helped someone find the right mojomaster for their birthday? No.

Matilda: This Jennifer Whiteford is too good to be true. She writes well, is kind to everyone she comes across, loves children, is into indie rock. Even used to be in a band and likely will be again some day. I'd ask where is her edge,? but she hangs out with that sex fiend Megan Butcher. But has she ever posted a series of cartoons that create a comment thread that turns into an alien abduction theory? No.

Asteroidea Press: Speaking of sex fiend Megan Butcher, here she is on the award ballot. Yes, none of us has volunteered to have needles stuck into our tender flesh to gain readership for the blog, and Megan has us beat there. Perhaps IO or CS, this is what you could do to get back into our good graces. Still, Butcher has never created a game based on a blog.

David Scrimshaw's Blog: This pathetic lad may have something going with his groundbreaking series on binder clips. But reading his blog, you'd get the idea that he hasn't had a date since the late 80s.

Humanyms: This is one of those blogs that you have to follow for a while to understand what is going on. Not like our readily accessible blog.

John W. MacDonald's Weblog: This MacDonald is taking terrific portraits of Ottawa writers and artists. He's still getting out even though he's a new father. Admirable, yes. But his blog is so huge it loads forever and where's the RSS feed?

Through the Broken Viewfinder: Fine photos, an RSS feed, but does he have excellent advice on how to get along in a relationship? No.

OnVertigo: She takes amazing photos, and apparently she has big boobs and looks great in a short skirt. But if you've seen me in a kilt, you know I could say the same thing (aside from the photos).

Space to Live: Well, well. Look who is at the bottom of the ballot. Our old friend Lana. Yes, I've heard through the grape vine that she doesn't hate me. But answer this, how does someone who hasn't posted since September 30, and whose blog has only 15 postings wind up on the ballot when we're on the scrap heap?

Conclusion: We're not at our best. Musie is lying low and certain Irregulars have become more like Incommunicados. But I'd match the recent work from the Chair against anything on these other blogs. (Except perhaps Ms Butcher's tattoo photos.)

Still, we're not the only ones who got robbed. What about Marmite and Sot?

Fishing Off the Company Pier

Office dating is nothing new. It’s a product of our time. Most of us have done it. Most of us have survived. It will continue. In fact, at my old haunts, I didn’t think this topic warranted discussion. In the words of one colleague: It’s passé. Or as those in Ottawa on French training say: it’s passé composé.

Then Peter McKay comes along and reminds us that not all have learned the conventional wisdom on this topic. Given Musie hasn’t given the ESI’s much to work with lately, I thought I’d use the moment to help the Peters out there to understand the wisdom around office dating. Most of you know this, and I apologize for the redundancy of this lecture.

The Chair’s Wisdom on Office Dating

Rule #1: Keep it a secret, even to yourself

Okay. So you’ve bedded the office hottie. All your buddies (married ones included) have been vying for this chance and you’ve landed her. Don’t parade the trophy. We know the primal urge is to throw your catch over your shoulder and trot through the office showing all potential threats that you have won and that you are now the king but you must not succumb. And it’s no better if you passively let it out when asked. Be coy. Lie. Psych yourself into believing it is not happening. This denial will help you in the future.

As for Peter and Belinda, while the backroom press chat had long confirmed the two were an item (having been spotted jumping on the same plane to the Caribbean), it wasn’t until Mr. MacKay started doing public interviews on the subject that things got out of hand.

Rule#2: Know your partner’s m.o.

Knowing whether your recent office love partner has a history of fishing off the company pier can help you keep things in perspective as to where things might go. With one of my indiscretions, I had already learned that there had been a recent “other guy” who was currently in therapy following his momentary lapse in judgment involving the same woman. This prepared me well for the final relationship crash, allowing me to immediately access the appropriate therapy, which, by this point, had turned into an encounter group of ex’s meeting weekly over coffee and cigarettes in an Anglican Church basement.

If Peter had done his homework he would have realized Belinda’s first marriage was to Don Well, a Magna executive she got friendly with while on company road trips. Her second marriage was to a Norwegian Olympic gold medal-winning speed skater. Okay, maybe not work-related on the second go, but a Norwegian? Two words: The Scream.

Rule#3: When it goes south – suck it up.

I’ve been twice burned on the office romance front. And in both instances, the formers started up new romances with other office mates. Yeah. Major bummer. Taking my cue from the Queen, I’ve always remained stoic. Found a few confidants to take me out for drinks, maybe a side trip to a peeler bar, and offer some solace. What I didn’t do was have a camera crew follow me out to a potato patch (what were you thinking??) while I tried to find a dog to pretend to like me. Just sad.

Rule#4: Keep it civil

So they’re not going to be your best friend. Or maybe they will be. Either way, getting sulky doesn’t work on so many levels. Level one, the more you sulk, the more your former will be vindicated for dropping such a loser. Being civil may actually instill some guilt in her for her behaviour, and I’m always a big fan of passive-aggressive behaviour. Level two, it doesn’t help your case with chasing after the new hottie on the backbench (or front bench, for that matter --- hello Rona Ambrose, let me tell you about my global warming…). Level three: have you seen her new beau? I’ve never been a fan of Tie Domi, but I’m not going to slag his girlfriend either. He’s sort of mental. Taunting former Leafs goons is not a good play.

Rule#5: If you can’t be civil, at least be witty

Maybe Hansard doesn’t have a fuddle duddle equivalent for referring to one’s ex-girlfriend as a dog. So the record will never show what was said. Either way, Peter Mackay’s response was just plain un-witty. And to boot, I’m just waiting for a Garth Turner / Belinda Stronach joint-appearance on Rick Mercer to one-up the whole thing. At that point, we will be laughing, Peter. But not with you. Just at you.

BlogAdmin and the Cams

Our Blog Administrator is a quiet fellow, his only comment comes with the cam views in the side panel. I don't catch them all, but here are the ones I have caught along with my best guess as to what he is referring to.

15 Dec 2006: Mayor Lex Shops for Lawyers Cam [Ref: LRT - Plan B; CBC]

11 Dec 2006: Depression Cam [Ref: 1, 2, 3]

1 Dec 2006: Porno for Asexuals Cam [Ref: six reasons to love an asexual ?]

29 Nov 2006: Keeping Secrets Cam [Ref: Emergency Meeting 27 Nov 2006]

28 Nov 2006: How To Flirt at the Office Cam [Ref: The Mannerly Guide]

22 Nov 2006: Searching for New Muse Cam - Candidate #2: Psycho Girlfriend

21 Nov 2006: Searching for New Muse Cam - Candidate #1: Yuckos the Clown

20 Nov 2006: What Really Happened to Aggie Cam [Ref: 1 2 3]

19 Nov 2006: Dueling Hipster's Cam [Ref: MatildaZine]

17 Nov 2006: Happily Ever After Cam [Ref: Musie's Goodbye]

15 Nov 2006: Good-Bye-Rummy, Now-Lets-Go-Home Cam

13 Nov 2006: ESI's Salute Coyote's Good Deed Cam [Ref: 1 2]