Personal Trainer Update 1: Olga not Carlos

So, I've begun working with my Personal Trainer (PT). When I arrived at the gym, Carlos was nowhere to be seen. Then, suddenly a large 60-something woman approached me and said, "Carlos will not be able to work with you. Madonna needs him to be with her on her current tour. I'm OLGA. I will be your Personal Trainer.

Then, Olga invited me to her office where I sat in a nice comfortable lazy-boy. I thought to myself-- "I guess this is not tooo bad, although it would be even better if I had a coffee in my hand and Carlos at my side. However, I tried to stay positive about this new experience.

First, Olga asked me some very pointed questions about what kind of exercise I'd been doing. It seemed all very pleasant and friendly for while. I told her I enjoyed walking with Conch Shell, that I did the occasional yoga class, that I walked from parking lots into buildings, etc..., that my bike had flat tires, but that if it were functioning, I would be out there with all those Ottawa fitness nuts on the canal.

I think this is when Olga started disliking my attitude. She said, "It's all very nice talking about this exercise stuff in an intellectual way as you're sitting in that comfortable chair, isn't it? Well--you know what? You're not ready to go into the gym. I'm not taking you there. You need to move your ass for the next 8 weeks, then I might consider it."

I became a bit defensive, again pointing out how much I loved walking with Conch Shell while chatting, and how we sometimes walked briskly. Then, Olga asked sharply, "Would you say your walks are fairly light or somewhat hard?"

I responded, "Definitely somewhat hard."

She snorted, "Your definition of somewhat hard is likely fairly light." Then, she wrote something down in her notebook. She looked up and said, "My dear, if you are able to talk to your friend while walking, you are not working very hard at all, are you?" Then, Olga proceeded to give me the following homework for the week:

1) get my old bicycle tuned up (She said it was good that I had an old bicycle because it would make me work harder).

2) buy a coffee maker - the kind that has a timer so I can set it the night before and wake up to the smell of coffee. (She said that she was certain that I was unable to function without coffee)

3) buy or find a gym bag and get some things to put in it, including antiperspirant (I guess I was sweating at that point...)

She said, "Just do the homework. I don't care about the exercise at this point." Then, Olga dismissed me from her office with a brusque, "See you next week."

Caribou!

While imbibing a pint with associates recently, one lifted his stein and said, Ookpik! Another said, Don't you mean, Chimo!? And so began the debate: what is the great lost Canadian equivalent of Cheers! Or was there ever one? Hazy recollections were traded about a movement in the 1960s to get folks to say something uniquely Canuck-like. Well, this was news to me. But I like the idea. And I think we should have a toast to exclaim when we hoist a cold one other than the name of that good ol' TV show featuring Sam, Diane and Woody. After all, the Chinese have Gan bei, the Germans Prost and the Zulus Oogy wawa. For Canada, I propose .... Caribou! Yes, why not evoke the proud northern reindeer? Caribou conjures images of a strong creature on the frosty tundra, sounds pretty good rolling off the tongue and can easily be pronounced even when one is mildly spifflicated. So I will use this toast from now on (unless someone suggests a better phrase emblematic of our nation). From humble beginnings on Elgin Street, the saying could catch on ... And before long Canadians from sea to sea to sea will be clinking glasses with a resounding Caribou!

50th birthday of the bikini: A brief analysis (of unintended consequences)

Coyote and I were musing the other day that some things just can't miss. Until they go horribly awry. Remember, for instance, the paperless society? The four-day work week? Or the Senators' Cup prospects? In this vein, it's worth noting the 50th anniversary of that flirtatiously eyebrow-raising fashion, the bikini.

Upon its debut, only the most daring and darling of models donned the revealing swimsuit. Fast forward to your latest trip to the beach. While some bikini devotees still do justice to the outfit, many others may be better off with swimwear that is, well, more suited to their form. And so we have yet another invention that, like the airplane, is just wonderful when all is right. But one that can be no less than disastrous when things go wrong.

The skimpy swimsuit celebrating a golden anniversary takes its name from the Bikini atoll of the South Pacific, where the atomic bomb was tested. It's not surprising, somehow, that the nuclear weapon dropped on Nagasaki was nicknamed Fat Man. For people of both genders now think nothing of strolling along the sand in a minimal amount of lycra-spandex, no matter how bounteous their shape may be.

And so I, for one, cannot help but applaud our dear Agatha for her springfound desire to nip, tuck and tone. While Aggie is indisputably an admirable paragon of fitness and grooming, she strives to do even better by working with her very own personal trainer. Let us hope that unlike the hapless Sens, she can look forward to success, with no untoward incidents in the arduous months ahead.

After all, history records that none other than Priscilla Presley succumbed to temptation in the arms of her fitness trainer. But let us not be too harsh. Who knows what led Priscilla astray? Just maybe, one 1975 summer day, she caught a poolside glimpse of her husband ... clad only in a Speedo.

Emergency Meeting Minutes: 2006-05-24

Emergency ESI meeting, May 24, 2006, at the usual spot

Present: Agatha, Coyote, The Independent Observer (minute-taker), 4th Dwarf, Conch Shell
Conspicuously absent: The Chair

Assorted beverages are taken, then comestibles.

1. There is consensus the blog is going well after a somewhat shaky relaunch.
2. Agatha suggests a series on her personal trainer.
3. 4D arrives and soon after orders a Gloucester Sunrise. He proceeds to spend what some consider a disturbingly long period of time commenting aloud while staring at the lava lamp-like concoction: "Cranberry, orange. Cranberry, orange. Cranberry, orange."
4. 4D announces he cannot find the [Redacted] card, nor the field binder in which it was held. 4D later asks how and why this issue came up. The IO and Coyote provide an explanation related to the Da Vinci Code that need not be detailed here.
5. The group summarily rejects the idea of front-channelling previously back-channelled material out of concern it would reveal [Redacted] and scurrilous gossip.
6. The group, however, resolves to begin front-channelling redacted versions of meeting minutes.
7. CS suggests a "how-it-all-began" posting.
   Agatha, seemingly suspicious, revisits the [Redacted] card issue: Where is it?
8. 4D recaps finding the [Redacted] card, he recalls being stunned and amazed and insists it was not an elaborate hoax. He then suggests the Chair may be in cahoots with [Redacted], as he is the only one who had opportunity to plant the card in his jacket pocket.
9. CS compliments 4D on his high-maintenance women posting. The others concur. Discussion of HMW ensues.
10. CS raises the issue of HM men. CS then asks whether all HMW are selfish. 4D says yes, they are.
11. CS asks if Angelina Jolie is HM. Coyote says that in order to tell, one would have to live with her for a time, but not in the carnal sense.
12. Discusson of Brangelina. Aggie suggests Brad Pitt is a narcissist.
13. 4D believes Jennifer Aniston is adorable, and recounts an anecdote involving Oprah as evidence.
14. Oprah, says 4D, is definitely a narcissist.
15. 4D "acts out" the Brad / Jennifer breakup dynamic.
16. Discussion of various personal relationship examples / illustrations / horror stories takes place.
17. The 5M: Is she pregnant? Married? Both?
18. Discussion of The Chair's trip to [Redacted] follows. Is he back?
19. ESI vote: 4 in favour of calling The Chair, with 1 abstention. The Chair does not answer the IO's subsequent calls. A sternly worded message, punctuated by group catcalls, is left at his home.
20. 4D approves of Aggie blogging about her personal trainer.
21. CS makes an abrupt exit.
22. In rather awkward fashion, some of the ESIs discover they are not invited to [Redacted]'s party.
23. The meeting degenerates rapidly into aimless banter and wanton rumour-mongering.
24. Agatha continues to wonder about the [Redacted] card episode.
25. The IO, Coyote and Agatha discuss 4D's sly suggestion that The Chair and the 5M are secret allies.
26. 4D departs following an exposition on the "black ballot" technique (used previously to nix idea of front-channelling back-channelled messages). 4D notes the technique was commonly employed during meetings in the dormitory of his university.
27. The IO notes that during meetings in the dormitory of his university, residents drank alcool-spiked grape drink from large containers. Aggie notes this beverage is known as Purple Jesus. The remaining ESIs nod in agreement.
28. The meeting is adjourned.
    

Aggy Gets Personal Trainer

With all the "high-maintenance" talk, I have decided to do a little "maintenance" of my own. (Bob has also inspired me, but what else is new).

So, fellow ESIs and other readers, I am announcing officially today that I have employed a Personal Trainer. Some of you may remember him -- you know, the one who did some work with Madonna? I will be reporting regularly on the progress of my "fitness plan." Carlos has his work cut out for him.