Newsflash: Lana has a new blog!

Even though the Winner of Best Blog in Ottawa loathes the ESIs and everything we stand for, I would like to pimp Lana's blog a little bit here.

The blog is lovely, and she describes it as "about home decorating, gardens and the spaces in between." Nice. Some gorgeous photos. The woman can take pictures, can she not? Her mango salsa photo made me salivate. She could have a career as food stylist. She is Ottawa's very own Martha Stewart!

I noticed there was a little nod to Fourth Dwarf in her June 24th photo. See the little dwarf figure by her window boxes. Aww. Maybe she is trying to make up with him.

Lana also refers to her TBH. That stands for "to-be-hubby". That part made me gag, but that's ok. It's charming that there are people still getting married and coming up with these little abbreviations of endearment. But, of course, we ESIs would like more details about the TBH and the relationship. We know, however, that being metablogged isn't Lana's idea of a good time.

I'm hopeful that Lana's move means that the 5M is also planning a move soon. Time will tell.

Ghana lost, but...

Ghana lost, which was too bad. The good news, though, is that most of the Brazilian players removed their shirts at the end of the game. They also showed good sportspersonship.

Because of the World Cup, my own personal training is going down the tubes.

Dwarves, Shells, Coyotes, Bunnies: Why can't we just all get along?

ESI Healing and Reconciliation Meeting
As called by 4th Dwarf
When: (redacted)
Where: (redacted) (Or if it's miserable, (redacted) as an alternative neutral territory)

Items:
1) Blame Game: Finger-pointing, excuse-making, responsibility-denial
2) Victim Impact Statements
3) Forgiveness, reconciliation, handshakes
4) ESI statements of recent accomplishments
5) Gentle dealing with creative blocks and other "issues"
6) Quiet reflection
7) Other business

Mis-Jive Meeting Minutes

ESIs Present at The Usual Place: 4th Dwarf , Coyote (crayons), Agatha, The Chair
ESIs Present at Not The Usual Place: (At First:) Conch Shell, the Independent Observer, Audrey. (Later:) The Chair, Coyote, Audrey.
Guests: Assorted others, distinguished in their fields.

Location: Not the Usual Place. Then The Usual Place. Then Not the Usual Place, again. It's complicated.

Coyote arrives at Not the Usual Place, and ascertains he is the only ESI on the premises. Even though he's late. While trying to snag a table on the terrace, he gets his tail stomped several times, twice by a snarky server-person bearing an eerie resemblance to Paris Hilton. Offended, he bites her on the ankle and flees, pursued by enthusastic wait-staff.

Coyote emerges precipitately onto onto Elgin Street, to find 4th Dwarf just coming up the sidewalk . They confer quickly re: ugly bouncers, crowded patios and absent ESIs, and, although lacking quorum, decide to repair to The Usual Place to let the heat die down and make a few calls.

They arrive. 4th Dwarf cadges quarters, on grounds that his interstellar communicator has been freaked by sunspots, and repairs to a phone booth to ask absent ESIs where the f*ck they've gotten to.

Quarters flow like water. Certain ESIs are contacted in person, and messages are left for those who are unavailable.

4th Dwarf returns. Beverages are ordered.

Agatha arrives, trumpeting the advantages of shower caps on bicycle seats.

Those present decry the slow, painful death of the formerly-ubiquitous public telephone callbox, and the general run-down scuzziness of those that remain.

4th Dwarf expounds on the virtues of the [redacted] coffee shop and the utility of the hotties therein for inciting hormonal flow, thus jolting him awake whilst studying for his extremely boring astrogation exams.

Agatha endorses this stratagem, saying that she hies herself to [redacted] in the Glebe when she gets mystery writer's block, to watch, um, stimulating people while she works.

Those present begin discussing relationships.

The Chair arrives, hours late.

Those already present very quickly cease discussing The Chair's relationship, and segue smoothly into something completely innocuous.

Dwarf cadges more quarters, and begins re-calling various venues and cellphones. He discovers that Conch Shell, the Independent Observer and Audrey, none of whom were answering their phones earlier, have apparently lucked into a prime table at Not The Usual Place. Watches are synchronised and times compared, and it is ascertained that they managed to do this mere seconds after Coyote got his furry butt ejected, and he and the Dwarf rolled off to The Usual Place. And that neither party managed to spot the other in the confusion. Coyote is justifiably embarrassed.

"Screw 'em," says Agatha. "This is the official meeting. We have quorum." General nods of agreement. Aggie always gets it right.

ESIs proceed to completely ignore the meeting agenda. It is rumoured that Conch Shell has adopted a pet bunny. Coyote is heartbroken that she's not there. Coyote loves bunnies. Especially young and tender ones ones of young and tender years.

As excited conversation about [redacted] heats up, Aggie begins to gesticulate wildly and nearly spills her pink gin on Coyote.

[redacted!]

Aggie, blushing only slightly, pays her bill and gracefully excuses herself.

With quorum broken, the meeting winds down. Dwarf, citing a previous engagement, buggers off to [redacted]

Figuring the bouncer's shifts must have changed by now, Coyote and the Chair head back up Elgin Street to Not the Usual Place, to see if they can find the Independent Observer and Conch Shell. And find out more about this bunny...

As they approach Not the Usual Place, Coyote and The Chair are greeted by Audrey, who informs them that Conch and the IO have already left with a small exploring party, to survey [redacted]. Coyote is heartbroken all over again.

Rapid exchange of descriptions of bouncers now present. Satisfied with their findings in this regard, Coyote, The Chair, and Audrey repair back into Not the Usual Place, but to a different section, where Coyote remains unrecognized. Fresh beverages are ordered. Relationships of all those no longer present are discussed. The Chair and Audrey, finding themselves famished by this, order a light supper. Coyote orders cheesecake to console himself. But it's not the same...

Oh yeah. The agenda. Final remaining ESIs totter off into the night, in the knowledge that we'll have to try to set up yet another meeting -- this time, one where everybody actually ends up in the same place -- if we're ever going to address the actual agenda.

Shower caps, Bob, and Conch Shell

I'll start with my first in a series of "training tips" I've learned since I got up off my divan and started working with Olga, my personal trainer. This one is brilliant. If your bike seat is wet, just slip a shower cap over it. The elastic grips over it beautifully, and you don't have to deal with the awkwardness of plastic bags, or worse, having a wet arse. This kind of tip is something you might find on David Scrimshaw's blog. That young man is just full of delightful ideas. He may be the most eligible bachelor in Ottawa, come to think of it. But I digress.

On to Bob - I know I worry too much about him. He is so young and sweet and innocent. I will be worried until I know he is safely back from the dangers and temptations of New York.

I'm concerned about Conch Shell, too. She is not so innocent, but her silence on the blog has caused me many a sleepless night.